MamaMia - The Opening Performance (18dec08)

I know, I know.. many people are waiting for my updates on Rebak Island. I am already trying to upload the photos on facebook but am having difficulty doing so.. so please please bear with me...

This blog, however, will be a note on my thoughts during the MamaMia performance. Tonight is the opening night, also a charity event organized by the Star. I think the total collection was RM1.2 million and they invited Najib to present the cheques to several charitable organizations.
Anyway, back to MamaMia. I was actually quite excited being included in my dad's generous invitation list. Apparently the ticket was RM758, and to be able to watch this awesome play with my family (except hubby because he has to go back to JB tonight), it was really an event that I looked forward to.

When one of my brother gave me the tickets, I was really excited as we were going into the theater. However, when I realized that my dad and the brother who gave me the ticket was not going to sit with me and some others, I was rather disappointed. They were all going to the "higher" class seating which was upstairs. Needless to say, they sat where Najib sat. Well, Najib is not the highlight. The reason why I mentioned him was to explain how much upper class they were seated compared to some of us at the lower ground. I was seated with my other brother, his friend, my dad's staff and other not-so-VIP friends. Although I should have nothing to complain or be upset about because I was seated 6 rows from the stage. I had very clear view of the whole entire performance. I know, I should appreciate and grateful... and suddenly a thought came to my mind, that I'd enjoy myself more with hubby and the friends that I had originally planned to come to this play with. I guess I just wanted to watch MamaMia with my family. Ya, I know... we WERE watching it together but... you know, just not really really together. In fact, the last time I saw them for tonight was before we walked into the theater. I did not see them during the intermission, or after the show.

I went supper with my one of my brothers and his friend after the show. We had a good time, just talking.. and my brother's friend promised to be my client for General Insurance... heheheh.. so something good did happen that made my day after all... :)

The show was good. The young lead has a very beautiful and strong voice. Although I thought some acts could have been better, but on the overall it was alright. However, I think I still prefer the movie.

Flowers... With Love (5Dec08)

He has done it again... romanced me, and filled my heart with utmost joy, happiness and love... it is amazing how when you start letting go of expectations, the willingness of others to reflect how you are loved in their own ways surprises you totally.

And it's lilies again... sighs... so sweet hor...

Today is indeed a memorable and beautiful day. It is the day that we met 5 years ago. And we got together 5 days later and in the same month of the following year, we registered ourselves legally as husband and wife, and celebrated our union with our beloved ones.

December is indeed a meaningful month for me, because so many wonderful things happened to me in the month of December by just being with him. He showed me that I could be so loved, like how I love others; he showed me that I could be so cared for, so nurtured, like I how I care and nurture others. We have been in countless relationships before meeting each other; and each relationship thought us a thing or two to bring along our lessons to the next relationship; until we met each other. Sometimes, I wonder why I get so worked up thinking about his exes, when all they did was teach him better how to love me. In actual fact, I should thank them; for it is them that has made him grow up a little bit more, it is them that helped unleashed his true beautiful self to me... And now, I am truly grateful, for our exes were nothing but great teachers to us, in how we should honor, appreciate, respect and love each other.

No doubt there has been trying times. And those trying times always bring about pain to us. But these pain are also the ones that help us grow more within ourselves and with each other, with the support of the Universe, the Angels, our families, our beloved friends and the unconditional loving beings surrounding us.

This December, this anniversary - may it mark yet, a new beginning of our learning process together - that our lessons be learnt with peace, with harmony, with divine love and with light. May we always be blessed and surrounded by wonderful and loving beings who will guide us thoroughly in our journey together, in our journey of life... That, would be my anniversary wish for the both of us.

I love you, Jay Sheng, with all my heart and soul. May our exploration of the world and what is actually the truth in what we see, always bring us closer together with love and light, in this lifetime, and also in our other enduring lifetimes.

Happy Anniversary to you too. Love to you always... :)

A Teacher of Life, A Student of Life (14Nov08)

It is wonderful the so many things this journey that I've embarked on has taught me. Sometimes I get so excited that I want to share it with all the wonderful people that I love and know.

However, also from what I've learnt, I've come to understand that everyone's journey is defined by their own time; therefore only those that are relevant in certain knowledge that I've gained am I able to share what I've learnt.

It was last night, that a thought dawned on me; that I am not only a student of life, but also, in some ways, a teacher of life. Angeline once told me in one of our late night conversations that when I am healed, everyone around me will be healed. At that time, I brought up an awareness that struck me, that everything, in nearly every situation was always, always about me. Then, I'd feel so ashamed drawing that kind of attention, and questioned indefinitely, "Why me? What's wrong with me?" I remember when the Autopups were so crazy about playing with the Angels, the Angels always focused on me and told me things even when I don't ask. They always had messages for me! And when I bring people to see Master for their tzewei session, he would always focus his attention on me at the end of the session as if the reason why we were really there, was because of me. I couldn't understand it at all. It really made me quite uncomfortable.
But now I know, that all these situations/lessons/teachings were for me so I'd become the student of life. And when I learn and practice my knowledge, I then also become a teacher of life to the different people in my life.

Now, I know this might sound a little arrogant. But let me first start with being a student. I think I live one of the most colourful and fanciful life anyone had could ever have. Some may interpret it as drama, but now, I'd like to call them "lessons". Each one of them taught me something about life. When I didn't learn my lesson, the lesson would repeat itself again and again until I learnt them; and these lessons made sure that I learnt the right thing and that I learnt it well. And throughout the journey of these lessons, I am blessed with individuals who crossed my path to teach me a thing or two, whether implicitly or explicitly.

The obvious teachers of life are people like Christopher Moon, Master, Tuck Loon, Hari and books. They teach me certain things that a normal friend would not be able to share, although when I start understanding the lesson, and observing my environment, I'd notice that some of my friends already had those beautiful qualities in them that I never took notice. One of my wisest friend, is Gladys. Sometimes I just could not understand her reasoning and actions despite her efforts to explain it to me; I'd just accept it, but not learn from it. But now, I realize consciously that she was actually my teacher too; just that she came in a form of a friend rather than a spiritual teacher. Here, I am an obvious student of life. Penny is also one of my wisest friend-teacher. Although I don't see her often, but each time I have a problem; she departs valuable wisdom and knowledge to me that just hits straight to my heart. Beautiful, isn't it?
So then, I would then be blessed with friends who have problems. They would come to me, share their discomfort, feelings and problems with me. For whatever that is obvious to me that I am able to share, I then become the teacher of life. They gain my knowledge and my insight, digest it and try to live their life better since they felt better talking to me. At some point that when I shared with these friends, young or old; I noticed a kind of arrogance in me, rather than compassion; that they did not see or understand what I knew about life. It irritated me to a certain extent because I was repeating myself like a broken recorder from one friend to another. To me, the answer was so obvious that would probe me to question silently at the back of my head, "why can't you see it?" Just to clarify, I am talking about friends who had embarked in their spiritual journey way much earlier than me. I couldn't understand why they couldn't see the answers when I could! I got worried because I did not want to indulge myself in arrogance. So I shared my story with Tuck Loon where he shared his wisdom with me, that my irritation was due to my judgement on those friends. This was really something that I needed to be mindful of. So that brings me back to being a student of life.

And then there are another set of friends who also have problems. I again become the teacher of life to these friends when I depart my insights and knowledge to them. This set of friends are special because they are the ones whom I never had to seek any opinion from any of my spiritual teachers. The lessons just comes to me as I share! I was having supper with my friends from Clove&Clive earlier when I suddenly realized whatever problems these friends had that I saw the answers to, were also teaching me something that related to my life which I also needed to learn and practice. Having the knowledge and the wisdom is simply having answers to questions. But by cultivating and putting into practice that same new knowledge and wisdom that arose from my mind was the new lesson that I needed to learn. This was without guidance from any of my mortal spiritual teachers, but from my very own friends who had problems! See how very soon I became the student of life again by being their teacher of life?

These friends will not realize that as I was a teacher to them, they were also, in their own ways, my teacher. Because it was their problems who has taught me something new, and my sharing of past knowledge and wisdom that uplifted them. It was a fair "trade" and a full cycle. Amazing, isn't it?

Things that I have learnt this past week from friends not from spiritual background: -

1) When there are too many bad memories in a relationship between two people; focus on the few good and happy memories to remember the true loving soul of one another. Angry and fearful words or actions arises from the ego are the causes of bad memories; but the good memories are formed by LOVE. If a relationship is to prevail, much effort is needed and that is to let LOVE flow and not let the ego and the mind limit it.

I learnt this lesson from Terri and Ramesh. Thank you, my teachers of life.

2) By neglecting our responsibilities is also an act of betraying our true self. My mom always told me not to go too spiritual because I still have responsibilities. At that time, I didn't really quite understand what she meant. All I knew was, it was important not to neglect our own spiritual journey. I questioned myself why I did not want to go to Christopher Moon's 10-day Leadership Course in Penang late this month when I knew that it would help me tremendously in my spiritual journey. Despite the course being too expensive (which really isn't the reason why I am not going), I wanted to spend time with my family - my husband and my daughter. Hubby will be on leave and I feel that it is important for the three of us to spend time together. I feel that I have done quite sufficiently for my spiritual growth this year. I've attended the Christopher Moon Course in September, Master's Chakra Course in November, the Tuesdays sitting at Clove&Clive (although not every Tuesday) and am involved in the Body, Mind and Spirit Event held this coming weekend for Clove&Clive. While my spiritual growth and journey is important, it is also vital for me too to nurture my family life. They are also part of my journey.

I learnt this lesson from my mom, Angeline and Yoke Fong. Thank you, my teachers of life.

I told Angeline today that she is not my spiritual friend, nor my spiritual partner (last night we had a chat on the phone and agreed that we were spiritual partners to help each other). When I meditated today and thanked my spiritual teachers and guides, her face came to mind. I immediately knew that she was one of my teachers too. When I told her, she looked at me, blur; insisting that she had nothing to teach me. I explained to her that when she openly shares her worries and problems with me, I am; at that very moment; being taught by her and am her student of life.

As many people know, I don't shy away from friends' or anyone's problems or sadness. By saying this, I am also not deliberately inviting people to share or tell me their problems. I believe in fate and timing. If it is meant for me to know; to help & to learnt; then the Universe will by itself arrange the opportunity for me.

My all-along-with-me teachers of life whom I had failed to acknowledge but would like to now express my deepest gratitude to: - my parents, my siblings, my husband, my child and my friends.

To my teachers of life, thank you for imparting your valuable knowledge, wisdom and love to me. To my students of life, thank you for sharing your problems with me and allowing me to be your student of life. :)

Blessed be.

Blast from MY Past: 13 November 2008

64.5kg (13th August 2008) to 59.7kg (13th November 2008)

Simple calculation: -
64.5kg - 59.7kg = 4.8kg
4.8kg/3 months = 1.6kg per month

This is the amount of weight I have lost in the span of 3 months since August 2008 averaging 1.6kg lost per month. Wow!! I deserve a pat on my back! And I am proud to announce that I did all that the healthy way - by observing my eating pattens, eating the right food, not allowing my body to go hungry, regular workout and with the Universe's Grace! By the term "regular", it doesn't really mean fixed days/times in a week. It is more like, whenever I get the opportunity, even at home, just to work out my cardio - I just start jumping, jogging, dancing around or just stretch!

Just to share with everybody, my target weight is 54kg. This was my weight before I got married. After I got married and before I got pregnant, I was 60kg. Apparently, this is natural because my body was getting ready for pregnancy. Then when I was pregnant, I was about 75-78kg I think. Then after I delivered and until August this year, I was averaging between 61-64kg I think. When I signed up with a personal trainer at the club in September earlier (which I had only been 3 times), he told me that 54kg would be too thin for me and suggested that 55kg would be ideal. I told him this, 1kg less of ideal would mean that I have space to pig out on certain days! hahaha... needless to say, he laughed along with me.

Later after my tattoo recovered (where I didn't exercise for about 1 month), I signed up at a gym approximately 1.5 weeks after sending Thea to a 3x a week class at Tumble Tots in Subang Parade. See, for the first 1.5 weeks, I was merely just walking around, shopping and sipping coffee at Subang Parade for a good 2 hours each day that I was there, waiting for Thea to finish her class. I was wondering to myself if it was possible that I'd be broke soon from the allowance that hubby generously share with me if I continued this pattern, especially for 3 times a week. Seriously, how much can I shop???

So I decided to do what was good for my heart, my body and soul. I enrolled in the gym. It jives perfectly with what the Health Ministry is promoting - 3 kali seminggu, 20 minit sehari. Hehehe.. unfortunately, the gym classes don't end in 20 minutes. They go for like about 50-60 minutes and I simply LOVE IT!!!!!! I've not felt so good in a long long time!

But I do need to mention this, when I first joined the gym, their personal trainer did a test on me and told me that my BMI was high and that I was obese (really, felt like slapping him), and then he told me that my ideal weight was actually 51kg! I looked at him with disbelief because I remember when I was 54kg, many of my friends were already complaining that I was too skinny (compared to my younger chubbier self la) and I was thinking if I am 51kg, I would be as skinny as Amber Chia, their ambassador! Hmm.. maybe they were taking her as a bench mark?

Anyway, I told him that I am not that ambitious yet.. I just want to get down to 54kg first and then will surely sign up with them when I am done with my personal trainer at the club and decide to get down to 51kg. Anyone wants to share their views with me if I should be 51kg or 54kg?

Well, I am proud of this recent weight loss, and I am more motivated now to gear myself towards a healthier and fitter body. 59.7kg - 54kg = 5.7kg more to go... GO! GO!! GO!!!

Blast from MY Past: 12 November 2008

Beautiful Angels whom I've Encountered since last Thursday

Thea had an ear infection on Thursday night which led to some allergy reaction and subsequently diagnosed as Erythema Marginatum. Please do not ask me what exactly this is.. all I know is that it is some skin manifestation arising from a viral infection - some other kinds of reaction other than fever, cough, flu and etc.

It has been a heartache week seeing Thea developed rashes from one part of her body/face to another part of her body/face. Each time her skin rash is at the worst, I would take pictures of it, so that I could send it to hubby and mommi to share with them what Thea and I were going through. It wasn't my intention to deliberately share pain with them, but more to share the journey with them since they are so attached to both of us.

Today is 6th day of her condition. While her fever is at bay, her rash that goes from here to there are scary. But rest assured, she is still very active and loving and fun! I didn't want her to go to class because I thought it'd be best that she rested but she purposely woke up at 7am this morning to tell me that she wants to go to class!! Amazing! Anyway, I brought her to class and she enjoyed it immensely! I am glad she was happy.

Coming back to Thea's condition, I will not explain the whole process of going to the 24 hour clinic, calling her doctor, speaking to a pharmacist and etc... It is simply too long a story and I think, is not important. I think some of you may be wondering that at this stage, the first thing on my mind would be to find the ultimate cure to her condition (and I won't deny that it is one of my priorities) but I do not want to forget to acknowledge and thank the Wonderful Angels that was with us during this journey...

The Angels that so selflessly showed their concerned and love: -

Dr. Jonathan - The first doctor we saw and diagnosed Thea's condition. He was also the one who soothed Thea's allergy to one of the medication prescribed.

Mdm. Boon - One of Thea's music class' classmate's mother. She introduced me to her pharmacist cousin, Wai Chi and also text to show concern of Thea's condition the day after.

Ms. Wai Chi - The pharmacist who highlighted several possibilities and reminded me that Thea's body needed to do its job.

Mr. Kuna - My neighbor who so selflessly, and without hesitation gave me Dr. Vino's handphone number. (Dr. Vino is his SIL)

Dr. Vino - Thea's doctor who willingly called me back from her mobile after I left messages (it went to voicemail when I called her) on a Sunday (her off day) and gave me specific instructions on Thea's conditions and assurance that as long as Thea was active, she will be fine. Her dedication has indeed touched me deeply.

Dr. Megan - The pediatric doctor we saw at Dr. Vino's clinic when I could no longer bear to see Thea's rashes spread wildly across her body.

Angeline - My spiritual friend who did distance healing for Thea and reminded me that I had to let Thea go through her journey.

Joanne - My Autopup pharmacist friend who works in Tawau for giving me assurance that Dr. Megan's prescription of medication and time will heal Thea.

Hilda & Elly - My Autopup babies who kept Thea in their prayers.

Adrian - Elly's husband, who copied the definition of Erythema Marginatum and its possible prescription to me on MSN.

Sukanah - My domestic helper, who assisted me in taking care of Thea, feeding Thea, bathing Thea and ensuring her comfort during her discomfort.

Thank you, all my dear Wonderful Angels! Know that I appreciate you sincerely! Although Thea is still not yet 100% recovered, but I believe with the loving kindness that you have shown my little Thea, she soon will be at her best once again.

This lesson is perfect as it stands. Although I do not yet know what this lesson means, but I thank with my heart, the Universe for bringing so many Angels to walk with me during this period of healing.

Dear Angels, you have done well... perfectly. God bless you all!

Blast from MY Past: 5 November 2008

Flowers

On 03/11/08, I received a very pleasant and sweet surprise. I was on the computer trying to find out some wedding packages for hotel ballrooms for my brother when the door bell rang.
This malay guy carried a bouquet of flowers to me. I thought it was from Penny, and wondering what was the occasion! When I finally opened up the message card, I realized that it was from hubby!!

It was a bouquet of lilies. I think they are pink casablancas. I told him some time back that ever since the experience with Dreaming Daisies, I had come to appreciate and love flowers... Also, that I would like him to send me flowers. Since it didn't happen, I just thought that I'd probably got to wait for my birthday or something.. hehe.. You know, long ago I thought that flowers were just a waste of money, although it was nice to receive them once in a while. Now, whenever I pass by a flower shop, I would think of getting flowers, especially lilies - because they smell sooooo nice!! I especially love casas, and madonna lilies!

So back to receiving the bouquet. It was indeed a very big bouquet! I was really touched. When I called him to thank him, I was moved to tears... In his message card, it was his apology for causing me all the heartaches, and assurance that he really does love me. It was beautiful. The moment was perfect.

I decided to take a picture of the flowers to share it on my blog. My blog, is after all, my memory...

Flowers are done by Dreaming Daisies. Thanks Penny and Jess. I think this is the biggest bouquet I've ever received in my life. But then again, I've never received lilies before. It is always roses, gerberas, tulips. I used to tell people that my favourite flower was tulips. But now I realize that I don't really have a particular favourite flower per se. It is the arrangement of the flowers - whatever flowers, the colour combinations and most of all, the message that those flowers bring from the sender.

Thanks so much, my darling hubby... the bouquet is beautiful (I am about to put it in a vase soon) and so is our marriage. I truly appreciate your gesture and your intention. I love you.

Blast from MY Past: 1 November 2008

The Dragonfly Tattoo II

Merely just an update of my dragonfly tattoo.

Thea has accepted the fact that the dragonfly is staying, and has begin to feel sympathetic towards the dragonfly so each time I put cream on it, she says "Oh.... dragonfly sick know..." ;p
Family members and friends have also accepted the fact that I've got a tattoo.. hmm... actually, come to think about it, I think my family are in denial.. hahaha They just don't talk about it! :{ My friends think its cool, so I am happy.

Ok, as promised... here's the picture of the tattoo. Sorry la.. the picture taken is not perfect. We are not really experts in taking photographs especially for purpose of putting it up on the blog. This will be my first. :) So, please encourage me ok?

Here goes...

I don't know why I can't seem to centralize the picture. So I guess this will have to do for the moment. Indulge!! ;D

Blast from MY Past: 28 October 2008

How I lost my handphone

I don't know why, I feel a need to just share how I lost my handphone. Really, I just think it is such a shocking experience for me to have seen how I lost my handphone right before my eyes! I still can't get over it, but then thinking about it does bring a silly smirk to my face... crazy huh?
I was in JB. That night was a farewell party for hubby's colleagues who will be posted back to KL from JB in a few days time, so we went clubbing. That's what they do. Clubbing.

So we went to The Zon. I won't comment on JB girls because I think it is not a very nice thing to say here but if you really want to know, call me k? I will surely tell you. ;p

It was boring. There were no girls or leng chais to see and the music was crap. I was nearly yawning and hubby encouraged me to drink more so that I might feel better. You know la, when you drink, you get high, everything around seems to be more entertaining right? So I did. Drank till I was a little tipsy, and hubby was right, I started enjoying myself a little tiny weeny bit.

Soon, he told me that he had to take a leak. I tagged along because of similar needs. So we went to the loo. The cubicle that I went into was a squatting one. I thought nothing of it then because it could address my needs. As I stood up after squatting, my handphone fell from my back pocket and fell into the jamban right in front of my very eyes!! I was like.... OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At that moment, I woke up from my "tipsiness"!

When I got back into the disco, I was cursing and swearing and telling hubby how much I hate JB. Terrible terrible place! Bah! Of course, I was only angry la.. Luckily he promised me to get me a new handphone.. if not, I die standing there! hehehe.. Honestly, the devise and the phone numbers are all secondary; it was the videos and pictures of my sweet Thea that I am most heartached about... Hubby assured me that there will be plenty more memories with the new phone... Sigh, I guess that is the only thing I could console myself with right?

Anyway, that is the whole story of how I lost my handphone. So far, only one person sent his condolences to me on the lost of my handphone.. hehehhe...

Goodbye, purple K770i, you have served me well... I will miss you... *sob*sob*

Blast from MY Past: 27 October 2008

Rekindled

It's amazing what the past 7 days have given me. All thanks to the grace of the Universe. I must say this, before I forget, that I am grateful for the experiences accumulated for the past 7 days. The reason why I had defined it as 7 days, rather than the past week, is because... eh, today is Monday la.. if I said the past week, you might have misunderstood that it didn't include today right? Well, this does include today, and I pray that good things do not stop here.

Last Saturday I was in JB where I lost my phone to the toilet bowl. It is not too long a story to share here, but then it is not relevant to the subject. Before I lost my phone, I received a call from an old friend that I have not heard from for years. We grew out of touch because of certain sensitive issues then, and the phone call also didn't really come as good news. The point was, at least I got his number! Anyway, I lost my phone that same night and was out of touch with the world (except through hubby's phone) until Monday evening. I got a new phone! :D I was contemplating on getting the SE C902 but it cost a bomb and since I am only a simple housewife, I settled for the old model I had, the faithful K770i but in different color - BROWN. Nice, really! It was cheaper anyway too. ;p

Friday night was an exciting night. I was supposed to meet Terri at Subang Parade and since I was early, I decided to go do a little shopping while waiting for her. After I finished shopping for my last item, I bumped into two old friends whom I have not met in years!!! Ralph and Siew Fan! We exchanged phone numbers (I actually deleted their numbers because I never thought that I will ever see or talk to them again! Shame on me! :() and caught up a bit on each other's lives. Unfortunately, we couldn't chat longer because they had to go and I had to meet Terri. So we said our goodbyes and promised to catch up with each other again.

Terri was already at Dome when I arrived. She shared good news with me that night. And later in the night, Ramesh - a dear friend, joined us!! It was magnificent! I had not seen him, also for years! It was a great catch up. We talked a lot, mainly just sharing of what we had been missing out on each other's lives. It didn't feel awkward at all! Throughout the conversation, I just felt the sincerity and excitement of being there, chatting up with them again! In the midst of the chat, I received a text from my brother informing me of a family dinner the next day (Saturday); I confirmed my attendance. Soon, the night got late. So we hugged each other good bye and headed our own separate ways. As I was reversing my car, I saw him holding her as they walked, I smiled.. for it was a great sight. :)

Dinner on Saturday with dad, Jon, Pauline and Bee in terms of food wise was not fantastic. But you know what made the night special? We played mahjong. Don't know why, Pauline wanted to play mahjong. So we all played with her, except Bee (because he doesn't know how to play). But Bee was kind enough to entertain Thea so that Thea would not disturb our game. It was a long time since dad actually sat down to do something like that with us. Usually, it was always talking, talking and talking or eating, eating and eating... We really had a good time, and I won RM19.10! I need to stress this - it is the first time I won money from dad! kekeke...

Had brunch with Donald and Jenneifer on Sunday (yesterday) at the Dim Sum place in Taman Megah. I used to go there with the Autopups and being there brought back lots of memories. I missed them. The laughter, the hanging out, the eating... it was all good fun. Of course, it was equally good with Donald and Jenneifer. I felt so happy to be able to see Jenneifer again because eversince she started working for P&G, I hardly got to see her or to catch up with her. Brunch was just excellent!

And came evening, we had dinner with mom at LaLaCheong, Ara Damansara. Ok, food was crappy... but again, company was excellent. Jon and Bee just loved to tease mom, and I think mom secretly enjoys it. Well, teasing a person is another form of attention given to a person right? My brothers definitely love and pay attention to my mom.. just that they are boys, and they can't be lovey-dovey like me. Too bad for them! :p After dinner, we proceeded to my mom's place. Lepaked there for a while and got myself a new 1L Tupperware brand tumbler for gym use (mom is an agent). And guess what, the night doesn't end there! Jon and Pauline came to my house for another mahjong session!! My luck was in and rollin' I tell ya! I won RM20.50! ;D

And today... is Deepavali. I don't have many Indian friends. In fact, I think all my Indian friends are Christians so they don't celebrate Deepavali. But we make it a point, every year to visit this family - the Samy's. Uncle Samy was my tuition teacher when I was in primary school and he loves me like his own daughter. He especially took good care of my brothers and I since he was living in our neighborhood then (Klang). He passed away from a heart attack in year 1995 I think, leaving behind his wife, Mrs Samy, his son, Siva (who is now a general surgeon in the Ipoh Hospital) and his daughter, Renu (who is now a practicing lawyer in Klang). Every year, we visit them and vice versa during festive season. Although Siva and us are not very close, but we chat up quite a bit with Renu whenever we do meet. They are indeed our old family friend and this tradition of visiting them every Deepavali will continue until they don't celebrate Deepavali anymore, or should they decide to move outstation.

When I got home, it was another boring day. Changed to my shorts and t-shirt and got to my computer. Pleasantly, Elly - another old friend, whom I had not been in touch with for years added me on facebook, and sent me a message. That was all it had to take, to rekindle another good and old friendship back. We added each other on MSN and started chatting away, filling up each other of moments and experiences that we had missed out in each other's life. A boring, yet rewarding day... :)

See? Amazing 7 days right? All these people (excluding my family members) are people that I thought would never cross my path again. But today, they are all here (at least on my facebook, MSN and phonebook). Maybe losing the old phone and getting the new phone was a sign... of another new chapter of my life beginning again. And it need not be the same as before, it could be better (I think my new phone color is better than the old one ;p). Whatever it is, it has been a beautiful week (including today). Although I do not know if times will ever be like before with the good old friends, but at least there is no excuse now not to appreciate - because now they are only a phonecall, a message or just a "facebook" away...

Blast from MY Past: 21 October 2008

What's in it for me?

The incident from the last blog upset me until I gained some light after my usual Tuesday meditation sitting. We usually do some sharing after meditation. Tuck Loon shared with us that usually when we show concern about other people, there is always something there for us that our conscious mind does not see or realize. That prompted me to analyze the reason of my irritation towards the incident and soon brought about a realization that it was indeed for myself that I wanted him not to go clubbing and the genuine concern was not for him. Don't get it? Read on.

Before this, I analyzed that it could be that I still don't trust him.. but when I thought deeper, it really wasn't that because that answer did not "wake" me up. I also analyzed if it could be his friends that I was not comfortable with - and the answer is no. I thought and thought and was very sure that it was mainly because of his health which even he found it hard to accept. I myself wondered why I was getting so upset if it was only concerning his health!

After the discussion with Tuck Loon, I realized that the reason why I wasn't comfortable with him clubbing so often was because I was afraid. The fear that if his health deteriorates or if something happens to him, the responsibility will then be on me - to take care of him, or to take control of the family. This, was the answer that "woke" me up. It's amazing. Just take an example, if we see a beggar on the streets, we give them some money. Why did we do that? Was our intention really to help the beggar, or was it to make ourselves feel better? Deeper realization would be that it was because it made us feel good being able to help. It had nothing to do with the beggar. While I agree that helping the beggar turns out to be a win-win situation; but the real intention of pulling out that dollar from your wallet or purse - it's really ultimately just for ourselves, not the beggar.

I have come to realize that a lot of things we do for other people comes with the question, "what's in it for me?". The subtle or sub-conscious mind works its wondrous way around our consciousness and actions, making us believe that we are selflessly helping other people. There is no right or wrong in this... just a realization that the self is important, and how it works its way to ensure we continue to feel good about ourselves.

Since the realization, hubby and I had a talk. He was not convinced that I was upset for the reasons I told him. He felt that there were more to me feeling upset and boy, was he determined to find out! However, after my selfish confession, he understood and assured me that he will take better care of his health and will listen to whatever I ask him to do to better his health. That's a good sign!

I have to admit that embarking in this spiritual journey has created more awareness in me about life, myself and the people who surround me. I have stopped initiating to provide assistance to people around me unless they ask for it. I have leant not to be a busybody and not to get involved in other people's business. I have also learnt to see and understand the reasons behind every word spoken and action taken by myself and other people. Of course, I am still not an expert and am still learning. Just the other day, while I was meditating, I saw that a lot of things that played in my mind did not exist and it was actually all in the mind. What I thought it was, what it meant - it was all like a movie, all played in the mind. Now I begin to understand that when a person says something about you or to you, only you can make it directed at you by responding to it. When you don't respond, that person is actually just talking to himself or the wall. Amazing huh?

Well, hubby and I are doing great. A few hiccups here and there, but nothing major. We have learnt to communicate better and appreciate each other's existence and company. We have to take the initiative to step forward if this is what we want, and stand still when we are unsure. I am enjoying my journey currently. Ask me if I am happily married? Well, I have also come to realize that a marriage is in the state of mind. I am enjoying a beautiful relationship with him, and Thea, and the other people around me. It will only turn ugly or not so beautiful when I allow it to be.

Blast from MY Past: 4 October 2008

IRRITATION

So this is it. I believe, my first blog with a negative heading. Or really, is the word irritation just a neutral word but because of the majority of people who perceive such behavior or feeling as negative, it then becomes negative? Beats me, but that is how I am feeling now.

Many people who read my blog came forth to ask me if so and so and I are ok, if things are better now and etc etc.. ok, I think it must have been really naive and absurd of me to have believed that people might not be able to guess who I was blogging about when it was indeed so obvious - he who holds my heart. Yes, it is him. Need I really confirm it? My darling husband was the one I had a really bad patch with and yes, I am still trying to deal with it although on the surface, everything seems rosy.

Why I decided to be discreet about who it was in the beginning was really because of one simple reason - to protect him. I didn't want people to think that I had a bad husband, or that my husband broke my heart or made me cry or whatsoever. I didn't even want people to think that I might not feel the same way about my husband anyway because I had to protect his "face", his "name" and him. But really, I just realized that I am such an idiot for doing so! Who the hell am I to protect him? To shield him from whatever humiliation or embarrassment or negative views of other people? What is the use of me trying to protect and defend when I myself don't even look at him positively?

And perhaps, part of the reason why I was also discreet was because of my pride. EVERYONE knew that I had it good.. a perfect courtship, a perfect marriage, a perfect husband, a perfect daughter. Seriously, how often is it a plain old Jane like me get to date and marry a pretty good looking pilot who adores and loves me right? And to stop working by the age of 29 to fully take care of our perfect daughter right? Right, a perfect life it is! And I really mean it in a REALLY sarcastic way now. And I guess admitting that there was a flaw in my marriage would mean that I failed terribly!! Well, so I thought. I didn't fail. Yes, I fell, but the most important thing was that I picked myself up from where I fell and I am much much stronger now. So heck the perfect marriage! And Ok, need to clarify this - my daughter, she is still perfect! :)

So yeah, we made up. It was nothing romantic or whatsoever. He just came back one morning realizing why he was pissed with me and why this and that and said he wanted to work out this marriage. I said ok. Yup, he had it easy alright. The truth is - I am happy, but not elated. It's like, after all the shit that he has put me through and that's it??? Ok, fine.. give him time... and though I have to give us (and not him alone) the credit that things are in fact getting better - as in we talk better now, spend more time with each other now, ah-hem more now also - but yet, I am still irritated. Sometimes I am cool, but sometimes I find that I can't live with such irritation. It's like - WTF, grow up man!! Forgive me for saying this, but as matured and wise and intelligent as the man that he was, now he is like a lost teenager trying to find his direction in life! First, he blames me that because of me, he suppressed himself and doesn't love himself.. and then he says he is angry with me because I don't take care of myself since I don't exercise and make myself a babe. But now, as I look at what he is doing to himself and with his life when he is not working, honestly it's disgusting. I am absolutely fine with partying and clubbing, but the f*%king intensity of it just takes a toll on me.

When we first dated, we were both tired of the clubbing scene which led us to cool places like Waikiki. You know, nice pub with good music. You feel like dancing, you stand up and shake that bum-bum of yours but if you don't feel like it, you just sit down and enjoy your drink. The other night I went to RP, and I enjoyed myself there - the drinks and the dancing. The music was great and the crowd was more matured. It was a Wednesday night and although there were many people, the place was not packed like sardine. I was thinking that my dear husband should be along the same wave length as me.. and little did I know, what he prefers now is a DISCO. Ok, disco is fine.. what really shocked me was that he admitted that he actually preferred partying on a Saturday night where there is more crowd! Sorry, but I find that a bit stupid. You go to a club because you want to have a jolly good time drinking, dancing and smoking with your friends; but to be packed like a can of sardines? Maybe I am a little judgmental here, but doesn't that bring us back to our "wannabe" era? Anyway, that is not what I am pissed or irritated about. It's really the frequency of it. It's like he is jumping at any chance just to get out there' even when it's a working day, or on a day when he knows he shouldn't. No offence to people who hold a 5 or 5.5 day job who have no choice but to party on a Friday or Saturday night, but we are talking about a man, who is married with a kid, who need not join in the can of sardines... tsk! tsk! Like I said.. a 30 year old going backwards to becoming an 18 year old. I feel bad saying this, but I am kinda losing respect for him in this aspect. Man, just childish!

I am seriously beginning to think that he is really not all that great. Yeah, I love him and all... and I would still do things for him and take care of him and all that.. but really, I think he is just not good enough for me. Well, maybe he thinks the same about me too because if I am good for him and he loves me so, he wouldn't irritate the shit out of me and would really do things for me. Since we made up - hmm... let me think if he has done anything nice for me.... well, if you talk about going out lunches, yum-chas, the sex... ok la.. but to me, those are just ordinary stuffs. He told me that it is what he enjoys. I enjoy them too, but they're just really normal stuffs a couple does. And I guess the really extra-ordinary stuffs that he does for me - is to make me worry about him and to irritate the shit out of me.

You know, I used to ask him to read my blogs. And from this moment on, I am not going to anymore. It's really none of his f*%king business what I think and what I feel since what I think or feel doesn't concern him anyway. Seriously, if he really cares, he wouldn't make me feel this way. I really don't know what I was thinking wanting him to read my blog so that I could share every detail of my life with him!

Seriously, what is a relationship? And what is love? Is it knowing that your spouse will feel uncomfortable and unhappy (with valid reasons, that is) when you do something and yet still proceed to doing it? No doubt, we should always love ourselves first before we could love others; but is it really to this extend of making the others feel hurt and irritated? I find it really unreasonable.

And just in case, baby, if you do read this - I really don't mean any bad intentions. This is my space and I am entitled to my own thoughts and feelings - just as you are of your own decisions and actions which I play no part in consideration at all.

Yes, this is an angry and irritated blog. I am so unhappy and uncomfortable with feeling like this that my head and body are aching. I hate this feeling. Wouldn't it all just be easier if I could just stop loving him?

Blast from MY Past: 2 October 2008

Approval, Justifications & Judgements

For many people who knew me for a very long time would agree that I was the sort of person who seek approval from people around me before I did something. Or even, after I did it, I would still go around talking about it to people to justify that what I did was right or acceptable. For a long time, this worked on me. This was how my life was, always living righteously in the perception of others. Because if others didn't agree, that would mean that I'd made the wrong decision, or said/did the wrong things; at least in the eyes of others. And because I was so concerned about what others thought, or what the society perceived; I led my life always explaining myself, explaining a situation, or explaining my actions; even when sometimes I feel that there was no need to.

There is certainly a shift in me, and I am positive it is for the better. For one, I am now more confident of what I think, and what I do. Although there are still times when I would still evaluate my true intention of certain words I speak or actions I take; in fear of the image or perception I was going to or already portray(ed) to others; I now usually conclude that it is my decision and my responsibility. When I do or say the wrong thing, I apologize and learn from it; when I do or say the right thing, it's my freedom and my right - in short, good for me.

I recently made a decision about a certain aspect of my life which I believe many people thought I had resolved some time back. I have decided not to disclose the full details of it due to the lengthy and sensitive story behind it. The thing was, I hadn't resolve it. I just thought I did because I refused to face it. I did what most people would do; swept it under the carpet. It was until the a recent self development program by Christopher Moon that I attended which gave me the light/intuition or whatever you call it - to make a certain decision.

Friends and relatives asked the intention of my decision. I simply just replied that I do not wish to be angry or to harbor any negative feelings anymore. It was and still is, as simple as that. Some said, "well, good for you and I am happy for you" and some said, "aiya... don't know you la!". While I appreciate good wishes and disregard those who think it's a huge mistake to do so, I am still going forth to do what I feel and think is right to do. I don't deny that my doing has caused certain discomfort to some people and I have to stress that they do have the right to feel, think or opine anything they want. But is this not, my own journey to walk?

Before, I used to be fine when people tried to tell me to do certain things, or tell me certain things without bothering how I feel. I had also been labeled 'fake' for not being honest or straightforward with how I feel with them especially when it came to negative feelings. I just didn't think it was wise to share those negative feelings because I felt that it was my business how I felt so I should deal with it myself and not let it effect anyone. Only when I felt there was a necessity to share or tell, then I would. But because of the intense pressure of losing my beloved ones, I changed myself to accommodate their wishes so that they would continue to love me and accept me.

Now, I feel quite upset when people try to impose their values on me or judge me on certain things I do or say and I feel this particularly towards people whom I've never judged or imposed my values on before; especially people who are dear to me. Why force me to be like you? I appreciate your advise, support and encouragement and I know that most of what you tell me is for my own good. But is there a need to be upset with me, to feel betrayed by me and/or say one or two mean words to me? Is there really a reason to doubt me? My decisions are my decisions and it does not even involve anyone. How could it had made anyone of you feel uncomfortable? Whatever that anyone of you had chosen to do with regards to anything, now or before; even at times when it made me feel uncomfortable or betrayed; I had never judged or impose or even say anything on what you think or feel that was right to do; I had never expected you to live up to what I think you should or should not be; so why make me do that when it comes to you?

Having said that, I of course understand that everyone has their rights to express however they feel towards an action, a thought or decision. But evaluate this, what is your INTENTION of expression? Was it really to share a thought, or to hurt a person? People always give themselves excuses that they are straightforward and direct, therefore other people should either just forgive or accept their bluntness; that's fine. But how about them accepting others? Is it really that difficult to be more mindful of our own actions and speech? And while playing the part to be mindful of our own actions and speech, is it our doing that other people are still effected by it? Does it then give them the right to point fingers at you to say that, "It's you that has caused this uncomfortable feeling in me?"

Well, I have 'evolved'. I am no longer that sick little puppy dying for people to love and accept me according to their terms and conditions. It's either you love and accept me for who I am and who I am not; or you don't. Simple as that! If you are my friend, my family or my lover, I love and accept you as who you are and who you are not. I have respected your space, your growth, your decisions, your freedom and you; I ask for only the same. Please don't try to make me you, and please try not to say or do mean or abusive things to me. Although I will always forgive and accept you, I do not wish for you to feel guilt over things that you had never meant to say or do. As the saying goes: Don't do unto others, what you don't wish others to do upon you.

Times when I feel that I cannot agree with what you say or do, I will deal with it myself and be a better person after that. If I choose to tell you how I feel, I will; and if I choose not to; please be assured it is not because you are unworthy to know; it is just because I don't think those negative feelings are important enough to be surfaced to make you feel bad, uncomfortable, guilty or angry. Nope, not even a tiny weeny bit of it. Life is short enough already, why would I want to waste even a minute to make a person feel low?

I'd rather spend my time loving and being loved...

Blast from MY Past: 28 September 2008

Independence

I have recently developed this profound sense of independence within myself emotionally. It's like, I don't really need a special friend or a special someone to make me feel any better about myself, or happy, or loved.

I go about now doing my own things, enjoying the things I do. If you ask me if I am happy, I am. I am more relaxed now, not so kan cheong except for the time before I got my tattoo done, and I am so so enjoying my alone time, or just time doing things that I want to do.
Good? Yeah, I think so too... especially for me.

Why this urge to blog about it tonight is because since last night, I realized certain things in myself that I feel is not healthy for a relationship that I am currently in. I do not know why, but there is now more clarity on how I am handling the relationship currently.

What is a relationship between 2 people? Love, sharing, understanding, trust, passion, communication, feeling of importance, reliance? Ok, it is definitely not only limited to these, but these are all I can think of at the moment. Ask me what is wrong? I seriously don't know. I was so sure of the relationship for the past few years, and now, it's like, it's not that important to me anymore. Yes, I still do love this person concerned... but I don't know why I just don't feel fulfilled. Not by him anyway.

Why the confusion is because while a person is supposed to be independent, and responsible for their own happiness; it is also vital that a relationship is created to enhance and enrich a person's life. In my situation now, or so I feel; this relationship is merely here to support my current lifestyle, and not so much emotionally. This person concerned asked me, if this relationship was still important to me. Given before, I would have said yes without hesitation. But now, I am not sure. Well, I wouldn't say that I don't think it is not important because it links me up with some other people who have become very dear to me. And by breaking up, it might mean that I might lose these 2 very beautiful people in my life. And by saying this, it also doesn't mean that I deem this relationship as not important. At present, I just can't answer that question because I really don't know.

Terri commented, that perhaps I am too overwhelmed with this new found space I discovered. I am reluctant to agree... Yes, I enjoy my new space and I am sure this person concerned is also happy for me. But I am of the opinion, that while I enjoy my space, there is no reason not to find joy in this relationship and to include him in my space.

Perhaps, it is because I still feel unimportant, disrespected, and invincible in this relationship. It's like, I am in this relationship to support, to love and to care for this person concerned. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't enjoy doing all these; but it's just that since I found myself, my independence; I am questioning my existence in this relationship; my importance, my honour, my heart. It has suddenly become like, what I thought or what I felt didn't really matter anymore, because I have to deal with it myself. There is no support, no encouragement, no assurance. Maybe it might sound selfish to some people to be somewhat calculative... but hey, a relationship is about interdependence and is never self-reliant! If it was, then have a relationship with yourself instead! Do I not make sense?

My relationship is intimate to a certain extend. But somehow I just don't feel connected. If there is a difference between talking and communicating; then I guess I talk, but not communicate because I find myself incapable of doing so right now. It's like I am unable to fully express my thoughts or my feelings... and I truly feel that coming from a relationship perspective, it is somewhat unhealthy.

I do want a healthy relationship. With a person whom I can love and be loved by, laugh with, share my inner thoughts with, trust, support, cry with, be playful, intimate and passionate with and etc... But a relationship does take 2 hands to clap. So does a friendship, a working relationship or what have you.

I am getting a feeling that I would like this special someone to do something nice for me. Thick skin hor? Well, this person concerned has no interest in my blog or my emails so I guess this person concerned will never know. And I guess I would also not want to tell him because Jer Lin once told me that sometimes, after you ask and you get it, it's like not so nice or sincere anymore. I agree with her. I guess I still like to be surprised and romanced... you know, those things that we do for each other at the starting of the relationship just to put a smile on the other person's face? Hahaha.. I guess I am still a hopeless romantic... It's nice and sweet huh? Would you conclude it as pointless fantasies? I think not. I think it is things done for each other constantly to remind each other of each other's existence in each other's hearts.

Perhaps, it is my fear of losing my independence that is preventing me from moving forward, being emotionally intimate in this relationship. Perhaps, it is the fear of being hurt again. Or perhaps, it is the fear of fully trusting this person concerned, or not trusting myself enough... I don't know. As much as I seek guidance, support, encouragement and assurance, I guess this is ultimately my journey and I would have to deal with it myself.

Honestly, I just wish that this person concerned would just make my existence more felt in this relationship and make my journey a little easier. This is really challenging. I don't deny that I am the one who needs the address the issue, but I am sure I'd appreciate some kind of acknowledgement or booster.

I know who I am and where I stand in my own space. But somehow, I just can't seem to ground my position in the space of this relationship.

Blast from MY Past: 26 September 2008

The Dragonfly Tattoo

Today, is another milestone of my life. I braved myself, nervously (and alone) to Borneo Ink for my very very first tattoo. My appointment which was supposed to be 12pm was delayed because Lina (the tattoo artist) had to touch up someone's tattoo. After she was done, we spent quite some time just working on my final design. She drew and drew, and we discussed about colours and exchanged ideas.. She is nice, really. :)

Lina began her magic at 1:30pm. She was really patient and gentle. I will have to admit that the initial touch of the tool on my skin was not as excruciating as I thought it would be. In fact, it was more like ant bite, and a little itchy at some point. Yes, certain parts hurt more than others as she went round the design; but I have to say that it was not that bad an experience! I remembered to just breathe!

And to think that, I was having thoughts of chickening out (really, shame on me!!); trying to distract my mind by reading a book while waiting for Lina to finish up her touch up with another client; holding on to my phone tightly just in case I might need to call someone to chat just to get my mind off the pain during the session... really, how silly! I wasn't that weak! Good on me!!
The whole session ended about 3pm, which was rather short. I then decided to re-pierce the higher part of my left ear which closed up after I gave birth to Thea (I had to remove my jewelery to get ready for labor and forgot to put them back again after that). Now that, was quite painful. Vanessa (the piercer) said that I'd probably ran out of endorphins! haha!!

Ok, I am not really a photo person on the blog which I think is quite obvious from my older blogs. So sorry mate, you wanna see the tattoo, you gotta buy me limau ais, or latte at Dome ;p. Just kidding! Maybe I ought to learn from Alina how to put photos on the blog so that I could show off my new tattoo; but definitely not now.. Lina said it would take 2 weeks to heal so by then, I think the tattoo would look perfect (not that it is not perfect now also la.. just that it is still raw if you know what I mean!) I really really can't wait!!

To be honest, I think I would have never had the guts to go for it if not for what happened in the past month. I know that there will be people who will ask, "why ar?" and my only answer will be "It's just me and I live for me." I have thought about it long time even before I got married. It's just that at that point in time, it seemed not appropriate and then we got married and had a kid (well, I guess part of me also chicken la ;p), I just thought it should just be a fantasy. Someone told me that she respects people who have tattoos on their bodies because it's like people are making a statement about themselves. And I guess, to a certain extent, I do agree with her.
Why dragonfly? Really, I also don't know... but I just like them, and feel that they are the only living creatures that I could live with on my skin. And I have 2 dragonflies, which are entwined in a circle and connected with a smaller shining circle. One of them is me, and one of them represents all the beautiful and wonderful beings that I am connected to, and with. They could be my family, my husband, my daughter, my spiritual teachers, my friends... or just anyone that I had and would cross path with in my life. The dragonflies are almost symmetrical. They are facing each other, but not in entirety. It symbolizes that while we are connected in this universe, sharing a bond, a love, a relationship, a friendship or whatever it may be; we are still our own individuals walking our own journey in this space. Although we share a kind of interdependence on one another, we are also independent beings responsible for our own happiness, actions, lessons and experiences.

When I showed my daughter my tattoo, expecting her to say "wow... dragonfly..." Her response awe me. She went, "eeeee.... what happened, mommy??" I went on to explained that I got a tattoo and when I asked her if it was nice, she shook her head quickly and turned away. When I tried showing her again, she got really worried and told me to put down my shirt! hahaha.. it was hilarious.. and I think she found it a little scary that there is now something new on my back! hahaha.. cute...

Anyway, it's fun. I am actually already thinking of my second tattoo.. hahaha... Now I have learnt that a tattoo is a very personal one (thanks Gladys, for explaining it to me :)), I will slowly take my time to search and design what next that I hold dear to my heart, and want to make a statement of.

But for the moment, enough of excitement la - had the belly re-pierced, tattoo and ear re-pierced all within a month wei!! I think I will take a break for now! :P

Blast from MY Past: 25 September 2008

Shopping, Sales, Vouchers and Girlfriends...

A chat with Alina on my way back from Pavilion today made me realize that I have been torturing my loyal readers... :{

Apparently, she had difficulty reading my blogs because my font size was too small. Adding to the fact that my blog entry is usually long, the poor woman had to reread my entry twice just to make sure that she did not miss a line or two.. how sweet huh? So anyway, I have decided to increase my font size for her sake (Here's to you, girl! :P). Sorry la.. hehehe... I like small things mah... But hmm, come to think about it, the increase in font size does make typing this blog easier too.. it is REALLY easier to read! hahahaha...

Today, I headed to Pavilion for one purpose - SHOPPING! Hubby bought me this Aigner bag for my birthday and was blessed with a membership card with the Melium Group and some RM180 voucher to buy anything from the stores under the Melium Group. Since it was expiring at of the month, I thought I might as well make a trip down town to see what other things I could add to my collection.

Before my REAL shopping began, I met up with Terri for lunch. What was intended to be a lunch for two kinda date ended up with an "orgy" when I bumped into another friend, Jazzy who was coincidently hanging out with her 2 colleagues, of which one of them, Ezra, was a common friend that Terri and I both knew. We had lunch at Sakae Sushi and while they left early, Terri and I stayed a little longer to chat. After she shot back to work (in a hurry), I started my little shopping spree...

Ok, I will spare everyone the details, of how I walked here and there, tried on this and that. Conclusion of sales made today are as below: -

1) A pair of ALDO shoes on discount (original price was RM350++ and I ended up paying RM297.60 - 25% off)

2) A ROXY tube top on discount (original price was RM149.90, they had whole wide store discount of 10% and because I was a member, I got additional 10% discount, so ended up paying RM121.50 - 20% off)

3) A COLE HAAN card holder (original price was RM225.00 less voucher of RM180.00 so ended up paying RM45.00 - no discount, but voucher was good! :D)

4) Some LOCCITANE stuffs (Total cost was about RM489.95. No discount, but free gift I think was worth about RM70 or more)

5) A DEVAJU mascara from Sasa worth RM59.90. This one no discount or voucher.

Not bad huh, for a half a day shopping? And because of my spending, I could redeem 2 hours free parking at Pavilion... hahaha.. It is quite a day!

What I realized as I walked to my car with bags of stuffs in my hands was how much I actually enjoyed shopping!! And sales, discounts or vouchers were there to make shopping MORE enjoyable (provided you go on a weekday when there are not many people there to snatch with you!). All these while, I could never ever understand why women liked shopping, sales, discounts and etc.. I mean, the only thing I really enjoyed out of all these was really the vouchers which I redeem from the credit card points so that I could go to Parkson or Jusco to buy stuffs for Thea! But now, I do understand... It is a new found joy and pleasure... I must admit though when it comes to buying clothes, I think I would still need the help and opinion of my girlfriends cause I think these kind of things kinda take time to build confidence on. But other than, I am all so ready to take on shopping!! Thanks to hubby's generosity!

I used to want to save, save and save.. you know, for Thea's education, for rainy days, for so and so's birthday or Christmas presents... and whenever I do get around shopping, it is always buying things for other people, or for their kids!! Well, not that I won't do that anymore, but it has somehow become more interesting now shopping for myself! hahaha.. and the best part is having my mom or some good girlfriends with me! The last time I went shopping was with Gladys, Alina and my mom and it was fabulous time spent! I so look forward to more and more and more now.. ok ok, not only the shopping; but also time with them... ;)

So what are you waiting for girlfriends??? Let's grab our handbags and go shopping!!!

Blast from MY Past: 23 September 2008

Penang

Finally, I did one of the things I've always wanted to do - that is to visit Penang, whether with hubby, family or by myself. I must say that it was one of the most fantastic thing I've ever done in my life and I am truly grateful for the experience of doing it by myself. I came home, feeling more self fulfilled, satisfied, contented, happy and loved...

I boarded the 1:40pm plane which cost me only RM25, thanks for the privilege of being Captain Jason's wife. :) I arrived at about 2:30pm in Penang and was picked up by a friend I've not met for ages - Nee Nee in her black Honda City. I've not met her since year 2000 I believe. She was my college friend whom I was not very close to then. We were all in the same group, but just didn't hang out so much because we were closer to other friends.

We went to Lorong Selamat to eat the famous Fried Kuey Teow. We didn't finish that plate of Kuey Teow because we were more interested in catching up with each other. There was just so so much to talk!! We then proceeded to check into the hotel, Holiday Inn. It was a nice hotel, although not so much of 5-star as Marriot, or the previous hotels that I've stayed with hubby during his night stops when he was still working with MAS; but it was good enough for me! We chatted some more and decided to take a walk at the beach which was at the old wing (I was upgraded to the new wing). It was a looooong stroll... we talked, talked and talked... until our legs got tired! hehehe.. after that, we washed our feet by the swimming pool, sat at the benches and chatted some more. It was truly wonderful...

When it was almost dinner time, we took turns to freshen up before adjourning to this hawker place, called New Lane. We had A LOT of food!! Chee Cheong Fun, Orr Chien, Prawn Mee, Lobak and some Fried Orr Kak or something like that... it was fun and we were so so full!!! hahaha.. after that, we decided to go for a movie at Gurney Plaza. Managed to catch "Money No Enough 2". It had a pretty sad ending, but we did laugh hilariously throughout the movie. It was really time well spent between 2 girlfriends who had not met for many years!

I got back to the hotel at about past midnight. After talking to hubby for a while, I thought I could fall asleep; but I was awake for some reason. So I decided to pamper myself a little.. did some DIY facial, listened to music, chatted online and watched tv. I believe I fell asleep at about 3 something am right after calling the operator to request for a wake up call at 830am the next day (seriously, I don't know why I did that...).

Came the 830am, the wake up call. Nah, didn't wake up at all. Went back to snooze and finally got my ass up at about 1030am. Freshen up and started exercising in the room. Just simple stretching and some jumping around.. I hope the room below me didn't have dust falling down from their ceiling! :P

Nee Nee came to pick me up for lunch at about 130pm. We went to eat Assam Laksa and it was so so totally yummy!!! Again, I was stuffed!!! After lunch, I followed her to Island Plaza to get a gift for her friend and she brought me to her friend's shop to look at accessories. There, I picked a few that I liked, and guess what... she paid for me!! She was so nice! I truly felt very touched. The appreciation didn't come from the material things; it was more the appreciation of her also showing her appreciation of our friendship and being truly nice and sincere to me. I accepted them with grace and told her that each time I wear them, I will think of her. :)

She dropped me off at the hotel at about 5pm because she had to attend a dinner. So I was all by myself from then until about 830pm. I listened to music, read, watched tv, danced, downloaded music and blogged (the last blog was written in Penang :)). I truly enjoyed time to myself so so much that I was smiling to myself the whole time! The joy was just bursting in me, being able to enjoy my own time and most importantly, to enjoy being me! I imagined people who'd think how crazy I am if they were to find out about this, and yet my constant reply to myself is, "I am not crazy, I am me.. and I am happy and joyous and loved... by myself!" It was simply beautiful!
Came 830pm, I had dinner with another old friend whom I had not met for more than 10 years, Ravin. He was one of those angels who constantly sent me messages of encouragement, positiveness and hope during my lowest times. We had German food at the Penang Swimming Club where I bumped into another Penang's swimmer's mom. She thought I looked familiar until I approached her to re-introduce myself. She was pretty shocked that I am a housewife! hahaha... hmm... seriously I need to find another nicer word to replace that... hahaha.. "tai tai", perhaps? Anyway, we had a great dinner mainly talking about him. He has gone through so much in his life and is such a wonderful being to those around him. He surely deserves to be loved, respected and appreciated like how he does to others. I, for one, do appreciate and treasure his friendship. :)

We said our good-byes at about 1140pm. It was a pretty early night considering that he picked me up an hour late! hahaha.. but it was not the length of time, or quantity of it; it was the quality of time spent together. I think I slept pretty early, at about slightly past 1am. I guess I must have been really tired. Oh yeah.. did eye mask too ;).

I checked out at about 1130am and had lunch with Nee Nee again. Some Indian Mee Goreng in Pulau Tikus and it was delicious!! Nee Nee dropped me off at the airport at about 1 something pm. I honestly felt a bit reluctant to leave this beautiful place, and my two beautiful friends. I invited Nee Nee to stay over at my place if ever she was ready to stay the night in KL. We hugged each other good bye and went forth to buy my ticket home. Ticket was RM28, all thanks again to the privilege of being Captain Jason's wife :P.

I arrived 15 minutes earlier than the scheduled arrival. Took a cab back to my dad's place to pick up Thea. We were so happy to see each other!! We then went home, rested a while and then got ourselves ready to dad's birthday dinner at Oriental, Jaya 33.

It was indeed a great trip, and I think I am getting the hang on being a pilot's wife ;D ! ID 90. It was indeed a good retreat. For the moment, I think I will stay put at home. Until my next trip out!

Blast from MY Past: 19 September 2008

The Beautiful & Perfect Lesson

It's been a long time since I blogged. Not that I didn't feel like it, but I just didn't want to blog things that were half way, and I told myself that if I had to blog or announce something, I'd want it to be real, concrete and the truth...

And of course, a happy one... :)

Well, it was a very difficult journey for me. I totally cut off from a lot of friends or people who tried to show concern to me. It was not because I didn't want to accept their concern or care, and definitely not because I don't trust them. I just didn't want to talk about it, again and again... I just wanted to be left alone... and I did tell anyone that I did speak to, even blogged about it, that if anyone really wanted to help me, just pray for me and to radiate positive energies to me. And I guess they did, because I am finally out of my little cave, ready to face the world, in a totally different manner.

In this journey, I realized a lot of things. It was definitely a wake up call for me; and it was by God, the Universe and Buddha's grace, that it happened. It taught me a lot of things which a lot of people told and warned me before which I brushed off. I brushed off because I kept thinking that what I did was right and that as long as I kept at it, everything would be beautiful. But what I wasn't aware of was how it was taking a toll on my life, my family and my soul. While half of the world thought that I became more selfish and tense when it came to my family, I was actually simply so selfless and at the same time pressured by my obligations to everyone, especially to those that I love and hold dearly in my life. When the pain came about, I still couldn't see what I did wrong... and I asked the Universe to help me...

I began my journey by attending a free talk on "Compassionate Communication" thinking I could learn a thing or two. But little did I know, my purpose there was not intended for me to listen or understand the contents of the talk. It was to meet an old teacher, my meditation teacher (whom I've not met for years). Our conversation that night was the start. He encouraged me to attend this 4-day course conducted by Christopher Moon. It opened up a lot of things in my heart that I thought I had let go, and had no mind in it. I cried a lot for the 4 days and there, I met many many beautiful people. I was very lucky to be picked to be the focused person. At that moment, a lot of things he said, like I was too dependent on this person who hurt me; and that I needed to find my independence; I felt, while I cried and listen, I couldn't really understand although I did feel a little better. After my session, many many people came forward to me to hug me and to give me love. Well, so I thought... I was hugged because I, myself was LOVE... and they were there to remind me. The Universe and my angels wanted me to know that... I must admit that I felt so much, so much peace within myself that I wanted to give up on what disappointed and hurt me as I thought that since I am so peaceful now, I didn't need anyone or anything to make me feel terrible.

And then I found out, that I was still running away. Many people overcome bad situations or bad feelings by ignoring them, escaping from them, or just simply forgetting them. And then, I was destined to meet another spiritual healer, Hari. He pointed out a lot of things which I initially also didn't understand. he explained that the basis of what started my trauma was because, I was never entirely honest with myself or how I feel. I didn't love myself. He gave me some affirmations to recite. It was difficult reciting them initially, but I was determined to change my life, my energies and to give myself a chance. After a while, I realized that I did feel better... not about the situation I was in, but about myself! I was smiling a lot more, and I was happy most of the time! It was fantastic! I just felt so good being ME, for the very very first time!! Of course, I still had fears. I had fear of saying the wrong things, feeling the wrong things and doing the wrong things... especially to the one whom I love dearly, and had hurt me deeply. Well, Hari sounded me.. and asked me, why was it so easy for me to love others, but not easy for me to allow others to love me? I was very surprised and shocked from his statement! He told me that I've never accepted love from anyone!! Of course, I didn't agree initially! I argued that I do! And he answered this, that I had to love 10 times more in order to accept it. Now that, I finally kept quiet and agreed. He pointed out that I've always been hard on myself, and the way I love is through seeking approval. It's as if other people's happiness were more important than mine, and that I was not important at all. While I had family and friends who loved me, they don't really know how to love me and find it difficult to do so, because I wouldn't allow them to! I had this extremely high moral values and this excessive obsession for perfection, which brought me back to a lot of people who loved me, treasured me but left me, because of that.

The fact was, I deserved to be heard, to be given to, to receive, to be beautiful, to be forgiven, to be loved and most importantly, to be who I am, and who I am not. All those compliments that people give me, I shrugged them off because I thought they were just being nice; all those gifts that people gave me or wanted to give me, I took it lightly, or sometimes don't even accept them because I thought that they were giving it to me because I have given them so so much... The realization woke me up even further. And after that, it dawned on me... HOW ON EARTH WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HOW TO LOVE MYSELF AND TO ACCEPT LOVE?? Was it by being pretty? Was it by having a good career? Was it by doing what I want at any point in time? Questions, questions and questions... and I took very very little and safe steps... when people gave way to me on the highway, or a parking lot, I just smile and say, "Thank you for loving me..." I know it might sound silly, but it was really a start for me and trust me, it was not at all easy for me! And then I took a conscious effort, a very very BIG effort, to start accepting people doing things for me, saying nice things to me, buying me things and giving me things, be it big or small... As days went by, it didn't feel pressured. I used to think that when this person does something nice for me, I need to give it back and be nice too.. you know, so that the relationship is balanced and that we don't owe anybody anything... but the fact is that, who is keeping count? Sometimes, people do things nice things because they want to and feel like it, and as long as they are sincere, we should just accept it. Likewise, when we want to do something nice for someone, it must be because we want to, and feel like it, and it shouldn't be based on obligations!

These lessons are valuable to my life, and I am learning them still... I've not only decided to be kind to myself, love myself and accept myself unconditionally, but to also embark on my spiritual journey. I've neglected that part of me for a very very long time since Thea was born. That is a part of me, and I know I am meant to do great things by bringing genuine love and joy not only to other people, but most importantly, to myself... I, afterall, do deserve the BEST... :)

Now my life is back on track, even better than before. The person who hurt me deeply, whom I still love very very dearly; we made up :). It has been ever more beautiful since and will continue to be from now on. Sometimes it is ok that things are not perfect in the eyes of the society, or what others perceive. We all have to know, understand and accept that, things ARE perfect the way that it is... And that is how this lesson is in my life too, lots of pain, tears, sadness and confusion; but a perfect lesson in every way...

I am LOVED, perfectly in every way... The happenings in my life, perfectly in every way... I am BEAUTIFUL, perfectly the way I am... I am HAPPINESS, perfectly sowed in my heart...

Thank you, Universe, Lord Buddha and my spiritual teachers - for enlightening and nurturing me to be a better person.

Thank you, my dear family members - for being kind, understanding and giving me my space.

Thank you, my dear friends (you know who you are!) - for your never ending support and encouragement.

Thank you, all of you - for always loving me, never giving up on me, and accepting me for who I am, and who I am not.

I love all of you very very much...

Blast from MY Past: 20 August 2008

Positive Thinking...

It has been a difficult month for me. I don't know if this has anything to do with the lunar 7th month, but it is really difficult for me.

I just want to let those who have been showing concern to me that I am really sorry that I am not able to be myself lately. It will take time.. and I am determined to be positive and to ride through this phrase. I know that it will pass and all will be well again. All I ask of all of you who reads my blog, to please please radiate positive and loving thoughts to me.. Please don't wonder what happened to me, or what is wrong with me, or worry about me.. Worst, please do not ever be angry, or hate. Instead, please focus your thoughts and radiate happiness to me.. I know that some of you really want to be there for me, just to listen, or to give me a shoulder to cry on... but please know that what I really need now is spiritual support from all of you in order for me to be go throught this. Please submit kind, loving and positive thoughts to me, if you really care for me and love me as your friend or family. It is really a difficult time for me, and I need all of your spiritual support.

My gratitude to all of you...

Blast from MY Past: 4 August 2008

2nd August 2008, 2:39am

This day, this time depicts the darkest moment of my life. I was hurt and betrayed by this person that I loved and trusted very much. It was totally unexpected and it came out to be a shock to me. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and couldn't do anything. All I did, was cry, cry and cry...

Only a fair few knows about what had happened and all of them had offered me their support and wisdom. I am very grateful and appreciative. Did I mention, that they were all as shocked and disappointed like me?
It was the most horrible day of my life that I had to endure... Now I can understand what other people mean when they say no words can describe the kind of hurt and pain they feel in their heart. I had no opportunity to be alone because I had Thea. The maid was kind... she tried her best to distract Thea so that I could be left alone to mourn... and yet, I still felt that I was not left alone... maybe it is because at the back of my mind, I couldn't completely withdraw into my own shell because at anytime or place, I knew that Thea would be calling out to me for a hug, or a smile... which she periodically did.

This person called to apologize and make up the very next day, 3rd August 2008, 12:40pm. I was at a friend's baby's full moon party in One World Hotel, trying to look strong, flash a few smiles to the kids who adored me and just trying to keep myself in one piece. How come I took notice of the time? I just did... because I was waiting for the phone call which I wasn't sure I'd receive. We talked for a very long time. Until I couldn't take it any longer, I walked into the hotel restroom and burst into tears. The cleaning lady was also very understanding... she left the toilet to leave me alone with my sorrows and tears. To know that that person feels sorry and wanted to make things better and earn my trust again, I felt relieved. Still hurt, yes... but relieved... because there is then a chance still, for things to be back to the way it used to. For the rest of the afternoon, after I left the party, we talked on the phone... I really thought that everything was fine...

Came evening and night time... I don't know why... I became fearful again. I suddenly got scared and felt hurt again. My hands and feet were cold, my body shivering and thoughts were running through my mind. I tried to control my thoughts, but questions just popped.. "what if?", "why?", "are you sure?", "how do you know?" I didn't have answers to them... I felt sad again... and then I couldn't sleep again...

I woke up this morning feeling lost. The people who knew what happened are trying to encourage me and support me still, reminding me that the most important thing is that this person realized and is willing to change.. reminding me that no one is perfect... and that time will heal... and that I must be strong to support this person in order for things to be wonderful again... And then selfish thoughts crossed my mind... WHAT ABOUT ME???

This person has assured of enormous efforts to earn my trust again... I forgave this person and also assured that I will try my best not to bring up the past... I was really sincere when I said that... but how could I let go, when I know that it will take awhile for this person to overcome/forget and let go of what has prompted this to happened??? Is it really possible?? Will things really get better?? This person kept saying.. "Trust me..." but wasn't that what I did before, only to be hurt and betrayed?

I thank my dear family and friends who knows about this and have shown their great concern and support for me. I am sorry that I cannot mention names here because I don't want any exposure of this incident to any other people. But you know who you are... please know that I appreciate and love you... you have been so wonderful to me, standing by me... I thank you so so much. Thank you for your words of wisdom, encouragement and efforts in trying to keep me sane. I really don't know how to thank all of you...

Days ahead will be tough... much tougher than I thought it would be. May the Buddha and the Universe help me heal and recover... so that I may be a stronger person, not only for myself... but for my daughter and for those who never gave up on me.

Blast from MY Past: 16 July 2008

Entertainment

Ever wondered what a pregnant housewife would be doing at home besides making sure her little daughter is well-fed, bathed and napped?

You'd be surprise at this pregnant housewife.. hahaha... I am into politics. Hubby once asked me, since when was I so interested in politics? I think my interest started in the previous election before the March 8, 2008. No, I didn't vote then because believe it or not, I did not know the location of the school I was suppose to vote. I actually woke up early and drove around Kota Kemuning just looking for that school but I just didn't know where it was! Anyway, I told myself I will vote the next election (which was the last March 8, 2008 election).

This time, I actually knew where the school was and planned the time to wake up to make my vote. I was thinking that I could actually bump into Thea's classmates' mom there, go for breakfast or something... I was so so ready to make my first vote despite the confusion of whom I should actually vote for.

At the end of the day - I didn't vote again. Not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't know whom I should vote for. On one hand, I didn't want our government to go, but on the other, our government is getting a little out of hand. You wouldn't believe it, I actually went to the oppositions' websites to read about what they could offer too!! And although it was all so inspiring, a certain doubt existed if it was at all possible. I admit the temptation to believe, but can it really?? Can three parties, all with different objectives come together to serve the country? Can Malaysia, and will Malaysia finally recognize all of us, as ONE race - rather than the Malays, the Chinese and the Indians? I'd really love that... although I must admit that some of us Chinese and Indians don't really care about the Malays' special rights (for the fact that we have always fend for ourselves). We just want to be able to put rice on the table!

I get my thrills when I go to one of Thea's class as that is the one class where all the moms, including the teacher discuss a little about politics. We are mainly Chinese with 1 Malay lady. Everyone agrees that we love UNMO for the independence that it brought to Malaysia... but we also condone to the opposition playing its part in checking and balancing the overall system in our country.

Some of my friends are actually surprised that I follow up with the political comic in Malaysia. The petrol, the reformation, the schools, the Atlantuya murder and etc... They probably think that I am just a nosy little housewife.. haha.. but honestly, I am concerned... very very concerned about how all these turn out. It is overwhelming yet scary when so many people are expecting and anticipating Anwar's takeover, trying spirits who try and try again to belittle our dear PM to get him to step down. This, afterall, will determine our children's future.

As what the Muslims say, God Willing - Let PM mend the ship before he steps down. Honestly, I feel that he just wants to leave the party and the position in good faith. While I agree that he may not have been aggressive like our dear old Dr. M, but he has been mandated and he is not running away from his responsibility. He is sticking on to sail the ship. Of course, they are many who also think that it is because he still has to defend his so and so... but honestly, we think what we think, and people cannot control our thoughts and likewise.

It is suffering to be catching on to news like these everyday - not certain of our country's future, or what holds for our children. But I guess with the road blocks, rallies, price hike, inflation and etc going on, it is indeed the best form of entertainment for me at home now...