Lunar New Year (2012)

Lunar is to mean Moon, as opposed to Chinese.

To celebrate the Lunar New Year must mean a New Moon.

Yet, is there a new Moon
or even the birth of a Full Moon,
but a new Moon ‘born’ visually in sight, in the context of the human mind,
or more truthfully,
the seeing of simply, Mind…

Blessed New Moon then.

May all that you remember as joyful and loving purpose for this celebration
be yours for all appearing of the Moon within your visual sight in any moment.

Blessed Be.

Breaking Free from Worry

A Little Overwhelming

It is indeed a little overwhelming, being everywhere... and I do mean, the mind. It is crazy because there seems to be much to do, yet noticing every moment is perfect as it is, as if there is nothing to rush, nothing to delay for all is happening in its own time. And I don't really have to do anything, except to wait a little, do a little, speak a little, write a little, smile a little, giggle a little, smurf a little..

There are a list of things written on the magnetic white board. And I am moving along each item where the flows take me, a little bit here and a little bit there.. and it is quite amazing to me, while seated on the chair and staring at the screen attempting to squeeze the creative juice out of my brains on one project and find that the creative juice was squeezed out for something else irrelevantly from the one that I am apparently looking at.

I smile a little again.. and then head off to the hall to spend some time with the little one only to realise that she has been in her room for hours eventhough I promised her just the night before that I will spend an hour a day with her just watching TV, the ipad, the ipod or even whatever that is on the iphone. Yet, by the time she comes down, I will have to go up to shower and get ready for work.

Still, there is no fault in there... and I find myself enjoying the ride to the centre, at the same time receiving numerous calls or messages on 'when can we meet? I need you.'

A little feeling of constraint slipped in, and it is not so much that I am limited in my physical body, but more of that busybody-ness of the mind wishing to uplift another. And all I can do, at that point in time, is to joyfully do what I am apparently already doing and trust that whoever that is at the end of the line be bestowed with light and to stay present to what is around them or what is already arising in them. Any form of emptiness, loneliness, or needing another's presence is simply, simply an error or an egoic trip.

We cannot sing redemption's hymn alone. My task is not completed until I have lifted every voice with mine. And yet it is not mine, for as it is my gift to you, so was it the Father's gift to me, given me through His Spirit. The sound of it will banish sorrow from the mind of God's most holy Son, where it cannot abide. Healing in time is needed, for joy cannot establish its eternal reign where sorrow dwells. You dwell not here, but in eternity. You travel but in dreams while safe at home. Give thanks to every part of you that you have taught how to remember you. Thus does the Son of God give thanks unto his Father for his purity.

- A Course in Miracles

New Bloggie Address

I've finally managed to transfer relevant entries of 'the Mind' category into a new blog - http://journalingtruth.com/; dedicated to myself and for those who resonate with my previous entries of the Mind. If you had like this category of entries, I would like to extend an invitation to you to drop by the new bloggie address instead.

Just decided to keep this space a little less serious. :)

The Egoic Cycle

This is existence is as such, at least on this plane. We want the success, the joy, the happiness, the excitement hence we had inevitably 'agreed' to accept the failure, the pain, the sadness, the fear; in our experience. To understand this is to see through the veils of illusion. To see through this illusion, is to finally understand that they are merely different sides of the same coin. To see though the coin, is to come to peace with it. And that peace too, is an illusion at another level. For in peace, there exist too, a space of non-peace. When peace as an illusion is finally understood, then there is impartiality.

But this impartiality, also comes with its imitation versions. It is the 'none of my business' illusion. You see, the ego will never want you to have it easy. To the unwise, 'none of my business' is merely an unconscious attachment to peace; a wise 'none of my business' understanding is where whatever that arises; the ups and the downs; the recognition of impermanent nature. The recognition of impermanent nature, is understanding that the 'none of my business' illusion consists of no "I" or "you" or "him". There is nobody there. Just impermanent nature. As what Sayadow has mentioned, "it is all just a misunderstanding".

The whole consciousness is egoic on its own. The human realm thinks that they are in trouble, and then they call upon teachers and others realms for help. But who are their teachers and those from the other realms, but their own imagination, another form of egoic existence.

Not that there is no Truth. Not that there is no enlightenment. Not that there is no teacher or guide. But they are not meant to be put on a pedestal, nor an altar. When we unconsciously idolize them, we are then again separated once more. Only we don't remember, what we are here for. As shared in Matrix 2 - you have already made your choice, you just need to understand why you made it.

I need my husband, my husband needs me; I need my children, my children needs me; I need my job, my company needs me - all egoic; albeit in its own sense. Albeit in its own sense; all the same trap. In truth, no one needs us, and we don't need anyone. We only think we do and they only think they do. We like to think we are heros, we are important; we like to think that we have heroes too, that we have people important in our lives. So we are forever like little children. No wonder we will always have a 'father' and a 'mother' and later on be a 'father' or a 'mother'. No matter how much we try to deny it, it is in all of us. Even if a person is not our biological parent, or our biological child, there comes a point in time where we play that role anyway.

So are we important at all, we ask ourselves? Surely there must be something I can do. Yes, yes, we are all important! But surely you must know that it is not in the meaning that you have thought it to be. But what else is there? We hear ourselves ask. Seek and ye shall find, but be forewarned because there will be no turning back.

Do I know? I do not know. The ego would like to arrogantly say 'I DO!' and also unworthily say 'I don't..." So do I know or do I not know? The Spirit already knows, so what is there for the ego to know? Why must the ego know but to satisfy its needs? And what needs are those, but to strengthen the meaning of "I".

Could it then be possible that there is just knowing.. with no "I" in it? I don't know..

Ah, but you see.. there is still an "I" in it... Soon I will realise that I can never get rid of "I". But the "I" can be transformed or rather, transcended as what my teacher say. As long as we are no longer succumb to the automated mode, we are already making progress and deserve a pat on the back. Oh dear, so it looks like you are here to stay...

So who is this "I" which I think "I" am? Actually, just programmes in the mind which I had mistakenly thought it was - I.

Not to know I know is Peace

If I truly know what I think I know, then there must be peace.

So if there is no peace, then I must not truly know what I think I truly know.

For what I truly know will only result in peace.

And for that, I must know now that what I think I know is not what I truly know.

But if I were to truly know, how will I know unless I think I know?

Could it be that by the time I think I know I had already truly known but now no longer know?

Then what is it that I think I know or that I truly know?

Such ridiculous irony! It's best just not to know!

Yes, that's right - not to know that I truly know, so there will be no barriers for growth.

To conclude that I think I know, I block my own way path.

To conclude that I truly know, I limit my own expansion. 

So what is the importance in this knowing or not,

Nothing really except my own meaning to it.

Soon we find that information of freedom can too bind us,

But all depending on one's choice of attitude; either one of grace or one of grip.

What is knowing? But only a bundle of thoughts.

So knowing is not as important per se,

But the peace that allows me, that what which is meant to stay.

Because in that peace, all that is needed is unconditionally fulfilled.

Namaste.

Stories, am I?

Who I think I am, therefore I am; but who I truly am, is not who I think I am. - so, who am I?

How do you tell someone that whatever they go through in life, whatever stories they tell, are just simply, a story? How do you tell someone that what I go through in my life, even if I were to share my experiences of what I go through, are just stories? How do you tell someone, that the stories that we each tell, are all unreal, but a story?

We indulge ourselves in stories. Really. Who don't like stories? We line up to watch movies, read novels - all for a story. And then we meet a friend or a relative for cuppa or dinner, and then what do we tell each other but our stories?

And stories come from roles we take on, or from observation of the roles that others take on. But all in all, they are nothing, but stories.

As if we do not take on enough roles in this life time. When we are revealed or told that we are so-and-so in our past lives, we get so excited, become attached to it in a way (albeit a past) and talk about it all the time. As if, the story in this lifetime is not enough. We need more stories of the past to reinstate who "I" am - I was a warrior; I was a king; I was a queen; I was his wife; I was his concubine ~ really, does it matter? Even today, I am a tycoon; I am a mother; I am a wife; I am a CEO; I am a maid ~ does it really matter?

If it does, surely it must give us peace. If it really does, surely it must liberate us, and we must be contented. But are we truly at peace? Do we really feel liberated? Do we notice that somehow somewhat, there is always something missing? And for that, we are always unconsciously striving for something?

When I was talking to a loved one today, whom I am normally quite fearful of, I listened. I listened to his stories, his reasoning, his blaming. I see his guilt, his need for acknowledgment and his call for love. Perhaps I am not normal, I don't know, but after having understanding and dealt with my own inner demons, I finally saw him, for him. I did not see him as someone who was victimizing me anymore, nor pointing fingers at me or anyone. I saw him as someone who was calling out for love - to be understood and acknowledged.

And again, how do you tell someone that? That beneath all those stories that he has shared are his own ancient pain, guilt and shame that only he himself can elevated himself from? I emailed my teacher this morning, telling him brutally how I felt no compassion for people who don't own up for their own pain. Yet tonight, as I witnessed this loved one, compassion automatically set in as I realised that I too, had been unconscious before, speaking of which I still have a tendency to fall into the unconscious mode from time and time. The only difference between him and I today is that now I've understood and choose to remember it as often as I can - to be mindful, that is and to take responsibility for my own shit.

Suddenly stories are not that important anymore. I remember friends used to gather round just to talk about other people or our own stories. I am not saying that we shouldn't talk to each other or share with each other, but have we considered the intention and essence of sharing? Are we calling out for love? or are we reinforcing our illusionary meaningful roles in this existence? Are we meaning to feel better about ourselves after gossiping about or blaming others? Is it possible, that our lives are in fact meaningless, that we have to "do" something to make it meaningful; to satisfy a need we are not conscious of? And why the need to make it meaningful, except to strengthen the meaning of "I"? I could go on with this "I" thing.. but it's just too much bullshit.

It pains me to witness even when compassion arises. But that is only happening because I forget that there is someone out there, a 'body' out there so to speak, hence the separation. And when Wisdom fails to set in, I buy into that 'story' and fall into a depression. How egoistic. But if I could forgive myself for my projection of unconscious guilt, then no one is suffering. And even if I am still seeing a 'body' out there, I could always choose to perceive from a Wisdom point of view so per se - to respect their journey, and to see them perfectly as they are, trusting that everything is in divine order.

Afterall, I am no saviour. Just a passerby with lessons to learn and to grow in my journey of a-loneness.

The Clinging On & The Release

Past few weeks I had been diligently editing my teacher's entries for his work. From the first time I 'officially' took on the job, I felt a kind of flow through me while reading and editing his entry. There was a sort of clarity and surety in it which I am unable to express or put into words. It's as if, the work is not done by me - or as if, the understanding that came to me, was not from me, but through me. It was as if too, because of my willingness to play the role of supporting my teacher or rather more of the work that he was and still doing, I got roped into the Wisdom flow.

The experiences I had were joyful. With reflections as gratitude and appreciation coming back, it was not hard to start the process of 'clinging on', unconsciously. Who doesn't like to be appreciated, or be gratified... and most importantly, be 'rewarded' with the flow of Wisdom? At least I know I do.

And for that, I unconsciously held on to the experience which gave birth to expectations. This hanging on to the experience of Wisdom flowing through me to allow my understanding of my teacher's articles (so that I could rightfully edit or proofread his work so per se) was a new kind of thrill for me, or more truthful - to the ego. To the extent that since the past few entries, I had noticed a 'disconnected-ness' from the flow of Wisdom; as if Wisdom had left me thus making me feel as if I was in a dumb state. I could not really understand what he was trying to convey in the entries which inevitably hit the button of unworthiness. It was a vicious cycle, and a cycle that I had unconsciously rode on. There was much self-judgment at this stage. I also became somewhat miserable.

Soon today, as I was speaking to Angel, I suddenly realised that I was attached to the experience of having Wisdom flow through me to edit or proofread my teacher's work. It was of no surprise to me, although now it is my ignorance that is revealed. I was not mindful. Fullstop. Nothing to it, and for that I 'suffer' the consequences of the 'attachment' albeit it was nothing physical or tangible to it.

It is ironinc to learn that to have something, we need to let it go. To desire of it, and yet harp on it is to bring an end to what we desire. Thus the saying, 'Let Go'. And then we ask ourselves, what is it that we have to let go? What if we let go, and it never comes back? And that is the gift of it - the learning of trust and surrender. Having said that, it is always easier said than that. But what is truly important is not the experience of having Wisdom flow through me (in the context of this story, that is), but the peace of mind that allowed me to see that the hanging on to this experience was causing my suffering - a sort of mini self-bashing session I was quietly going through in my space. It's silly. And now that I realise it, it is comical; and yet that silliness has brought me to another revelation. So how could that be silly, but a wise connotation?

Wisdom has never left me except my own blocks that disallow me to access it, or rather for it to access through me. It is never about the Ancient Masters not coming to me, but my own inability to lift up the barrier between us. And so here, I trust that whatever I experience from moment to moment is my entitlement, and I surrender whatever wilful desire to His plans. As my daily lesson today in ACIM depict - Only God's plan for salvation will work. Mine will never work, for the ego's plan for salvation will always be one that hovers around grievances.  And again, as quoted in ACIM for my daily lesson few days ago - My grievances hide the light of the world in me.

And in truth, I am the light, for I am too the beacon. And if I were to continue to be the beacon, then I must remain the light that is within me.

Namaste.

What if we never meet again?

I begin to realise how very often we take each other's presence for granted. Today, as I was getting ready to board the aircraft to HK all on my own for the very first time, a question popped in my head 'What if we never meet again?' Since there was still time, I sat down and wrote a text message of gratitude and love to my loved ones. Forgive me if you did not receive this message as I wasn't sure if you would take it the right way. No, please, don't forgive me for that as there is nothing to forgive there. Instead, forgive me for not trusting you enough to be ready to receive such a message from me. My bad, my bad...

Although I already had some sort of expectations on the responses I would receive after sending out that particular message, still I felt a sense of surprise upon receiving them. Those replies went, "Are you ok?"; "Are you not coming back?"; "Why you say like that?" I could imagine what went on in their heads. It's like a sudden wake up call, "What if we really, never meet again?"; "What if that was the last time we'd ever see each other again?"; "What if that was the last time for us to hug?"; "Is that to be the last time I'd tell the person I love him/her?" And it boils down to guilt -> guilt of "have I said or done enough?"; "have I given enough?"; "have I loved and appreciated enough?"; even "have I been loved and appreciated enough?"

And it is heartwarming to also receive reciprocal replies! Like, "I love you too!"  What I could only sense from this space is a sense of mutual respect, gratitude and love. It's as if, the friendship or relationship is being lived moment by moment to the fullest, hence its tank is always full and thus, could we conclude, that we have given and received what is blessedly entitled to you and me?

Nothing is ever enough for the ego, so to speak. But the mind will always need a sort of completion. And that inspired me to make that expression to my loved ones. I will never know what would happen. To constantly pray for the safety of my family, loved ones or even myself while away from them (at this moment, that is) is deviating my attention to something beyond my control, and away from what is there for me in the present. As if I would know if I did die today, it would not be for my highest good. Like I said, I will never know.

And if I am fully present to each and every of my relationships, no guilt could penetrate as evident from the several relationships that I had experienced. No guilt! Just mutual respect, love & gratitude. So there cease the egoic relationship and emerges a spiritual relationship where learning is made possible with mutual respect and support without ever overextending or underextending ourselves.

I wanted my loved ones to know how much I love them, and how much I appreciate their presence in my life.. that I am so grateful for the lessons that I've learnt through them. I wish to say that I am at peace. Nevermind that no one knew or understood me, for today I have understood myself and that is all that matters.

To put it into words more real to my experience, I felt as if "I" am dying inside. From moment to moment, as we come closer to the Truth, a little bit of the old "I" dies, with the reborn of another. We die slowly, withering the false self for the True Authentic Self to emerge.

As what dear Paul Ferrini shares in his book,

"Once you enter truth, the ego dies, for it can get no foothold. But the ego is not assassinated. It dies into truth. It surrenders. It is not a painful act, but an ecstatic one."

~ excerpts from Illuminations on the Road to Nowhere by Paul Ferrini ~

And so I surrender myself and my loved ones to the Spirit who knows it all. That each moment as "I" die, I am reborn again in Spirit.

And for that, as "I" die, we may really, never meet again; but as and when we meet again, we will meet in Spirit, in essence, and in Love.

Namaste.

And so She Falls in Love...

At first she fell in love with authority, because she thought that she was not a leader.
And then she discovered that she was a natural, inborn with leadership qualities.

Moving on she fell in love with praises, because she thought she was not beautiful.
And then she realized she was beauty, by being her very authentic self.

Later she fell in love with money, because she thought that she was lack.
And then she learnt that she was abundance, that whatever that came to her was her entitlement.

And so she fell in love with Love, because she thought she had none.
And then she learnt albeit the hard way, that she was no other than Love.

And now she’s in love with Wisdom, because at first she thought it was not hers,
And soon she realized that Wisdom belongs to everybody, never excluding her…

And still she stayed with Wisdom, for reasons only clear to her,
Because the diligent path she threads, leads her to her freedom.

The Other Side of it

The other day one of my teacher's entry which I was editing screwed up my mind a little. I thought I had understood what he was saying and had worded it distortedly, but apparently it only proved that I had a fixated view on it. When I finally got hold of him for purpose of seeking clarification, I got a glimpse of what he meant. Unsatisfied still, I called Angel to talk about it. Although she was confused by what I was saying and what my teacher had wrote, it somehow brought more clarity to me.

When I first embarked on this journey, I learned and realised that we were all victims, because we allowed ourselves to be. We don't know how not to be one, because that was the conditioning since young - to dishonour ourselves, for we are not important - as long as others are happy. We give so much power to others that when they are happy, we are happy. When we sit down and think about it, it is really silly. I am happy because you are happy? So obvious that I am relying and dependant on you for my happiness! How absurd!

So then we start rising up to ourselves. We start honouring and loving ourselves, standing in our own integrity to be responsible for our own happiness, our own decisions. We learned, that no one out there is to be blamed, it is all our own creation.

And then my teacher's entry titled Wherein the Discerning Mind had truly made me see the other side of things. We are so concerned about others making us victims, and yet so often, we are unaware that we too, are victimizing others. Of course, a victim can only victimise another when he himself is a victim. There is no other way. The cycle repeats itself again and again. When my parents do unto me, I do unto my child; how my boss treats me, that is how I'd treat my subordinates. Because we now feel that China is coming up and the language is so important as we experience it, we want our children to attend a Chinese school environment despite the kids' reluctance. And as if that is not enough, we impose the exact same ideas on our fellow relatives, friends, colleagues and etc. The other parties definitely have a choice of their own, but can you imagine, the guilt trip we are sending them onto? When a child tells a parent, what he wishes to learn, if the parent resonates with that interest (which is normally in alignment with the norm of the society or surroundings), then it is a yes. If not, the parent will try in all directional ways to convince the child that that is not a good thing to do because, because, because... imagine how the child would feel!! So the child begins to, in future, makes his move to seek approval, to dishonour himself and simply never learning to trust himself. Having said that, it is not the case for all. But, most.

Time and time again, I am faced with situations where people share with me, "I can't leave the company because of my dad.", "I can't move out because of my mom", "I can't be what I want today because of my parents", "I cannot go for fun book club because I got family dinner". Oh my goodness!!! When will we all start to take responsibilities and start honouring ourselves? "I can leave the company but I choose not to because I can't face the guilt of leaving my dad. You see, I am not important!", "I can move out but I choose not to because I can't bear the guilt of hurting my mom. You see, I am not important!", "I can be what I am today but I choose to stay like this so that I can continue to blame my parents for who I am today so that I don't have to face the guilt within for dishonouring myself! You see, it is too painful to see that I am not important!", "I don't want to go to fun book club because I don't want to be guilty for not spending time with my family! You see, I am not important!"

Can we just rise up to what's truly inside us? Can we begin to take responsibility? Can we begin to see that everything has something to do with guilt and then transcend it? Rather than abiding to it all the time, all the time, repeating the cycle of self-abuse - of not honouring thyself ~ and really making that I am not worthy story more real than it is actually not?

May we slowly withdraw our own tentacles on others, and consciously allow others to withdraw theirs from us. Let us all disentangled ourselves from this illusionary entanglement which is so unnecessary. For what, you may ask? For our freedom.

Bring Me Back to Life

This resonates deeply...




How can you see into my eyes like open doors?

Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb
Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can't wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)

Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can't wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I've become)

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can't wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)
Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can't wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I've become)

I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life

Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead

All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me

I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything

Without thought, without voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can't wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)
Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can't wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I've become)

I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life

She's delusional.

She's been told a few stories. And then she creates evidence to support the stories, not conscious that this is what she has chosen to experience. And then she realise, she's in a dilemma, a tough position. No one can get her out of it, except herself.

As what her teacher continously tell her, we create our toy, and then get scared by it ~ she got scared by her own toy, her very own playground which she had created.

And now she wants to run away. She wants to get rid of the toy, and even the playground, tear down all the play equipments and even sack the caretaker! She thinks that by doing that, perhaps she could still retain her diginity; or so she thinks.

Yet, strangely there's apart of her that knows -  that could not be the way. Who would she be running away from, except herself?

Still, she thinks maybe she could do this, or maybe she could do that.. or perhaps, she could just forget about any previous information related to the incident that had come to her. Could she really? She would really just be burying deeper what had been surfaced, an ancient pain. An illusionary ancient pain.

She knows what she wants, and yet finds it difficult because of the guilt, the shame and fear. "It's not real." she tells herself when she is conscious; but totally bought into the drama when she forgets who she really is.

When she listens, the flow of wisdom sets in momentumtarily and there is peace; but when she forgets, she beats herself up for the guilt, the shame and the fear. She forgets that when she is oblivious to what is running in her mind, she behaves that way. She wants to cry, she wants to scream.
*

She is in great pain, only because she is delusional. To protect herself, she seemingly attacks and then blames herself again. Poor, poor her... running around her own prison, seeking for the way out.

Somehow though, her constant nourishing of the habit to reflect within has inspired her to be alone, to be still. For that is when, she knows that the listening is possible, the flow of wisdom is possible, the release is then, finally possible. She trusts her cultivation would pay off for that is what which is keeping her sane in her seeming insanity. It would always be worth it, because that would lead her to truly see the truth - that everything is just a misunderstanding - everything, even her own self, is just a dream.

Meaninglessness of Words

When we were little, we learned ABC. Once we were familiar with the entire range of alphabets, we were taught to form words with them, and then to put meanings into them.

The other day, Microsoft Word had red lines underneath some words which my teacher had typed on some articles. I was sure I had heard or read those words before, but somehow Word did not accept them as words, giving me the impression that they were either spelt wrongly, or no such words exist. Not satisfied, I checked the Oxford dictionary and some Word Power dictionary that I've purchased from Reader's Digest. Still, no word to be found. I decided to google them, and most words (which I had googled) did have their definitions though they were not the source of words; and beside them, in italics or in brackets explained to me why these words were not in the dictionaries or accepted by Word. They were less commonly used.

My darling Angel (ahem, as in Angeline) is a very cute girl. Many a times, when our teacher tells us a word, or when I tell her a word, or someone else tells her a word, she would say that it is not it. When I ask her to explain to me her experience of what she deemed to be different, I'd soon find out that she meant the same as what our teacher said, what I said or what someone else had said. And then she'd say, "eh, but I thought that was YYY (as in the word she used differently)!!!" And we'd both realise that we had the same meaning or experiences but had worded them differently. Similarly, hers and my meaning of the word 'Innocence'; albeit the same word; is different.

Who is to say that what she perceived of the meaning of a word is not the word that is not right? And who is to say that what we perceived of the meaning of a word, so commonly used, is right? In truth, there is no right and wrong because words are meaningless. They are merely alphabets put together, and being conjured a meaning as a mean to communicate with the public. 

So easily we judge ourselves or others when we see things differently from the norm of the society. It's either we are wrong, or they are wrong ~ so we either beat ourselves up, or we have mental wars with others. It's a never-ending story.

Of course, it serves a purpose to communicate in the same 'lingo' per se. But really, even if we are really speaking the same language, using words which are commonly understood by the norm, can we be sure that I am really understanding you, or that you are really understanding me? I can never be sure and will never know. Can you?

Distorted Reality

When someone gives you, it is your entitlement; when you give someone, it is their entitlement. Simple as that. It is when anyone starts putting meaning into an action, the storyline begins.

This morning, I received a text from a friend saying that he will be in Pyramid on Tuesday. Because it is Tuesday today, I wasn't sure if he was referring to today or whichever Tuesday. So I replied seeking clarification. He replied, "Today". I replied again, citing that I'd be at Gardens and then received no more text from him, until I have arrived at Gardens. He said that he could detour to collect some documents from me if I had taken them out with me. I didn't bring out any documents with me.

Without a thought, I told him that I was already in Garden, and added, "you replied so late..." Very soon, his reply came back concluding, "ya.. ya.. everything is my fault." I was surprised, as I did not see it that way. When I queried him further if he felt guilty, he answered saying no, but was given the perception that it was so. I quietly laughed at myself. I must have sent out that energy.

In truth, nothing has happened. So he replied late in my experience and that was a fact to my experience. However, I failed to see from his point of view that, that was the best he could do at that moment because he was caught up with something else and could not reply to me earlier. And, that's really ok. That was reality, because it happened that way.

But how the conclusions came about were resulting from the ideas that were running in both our minds. "I should have called earlier."; "I shouldn't have said that.". Thus, the beginning of the externalised storyline. What is the difference? It has happened and could not happen any other way - as in, us being unable to meet. That was reality, and we both unconsciously distorted reality by concluding that it was his being late that had resulted in another delay.

And earlier, my aunt called me to share with me her experience of a credit card overcharged, resulting in my uncle having to pay heaps more than expected from her 'carelessness' of not checking details prior to signing a form. This resulted in a lot of guilt arising within her. Having said that however, everything has been resolved todate.

It was obvious to me, the ideas that were running in her head. And she asked me, "Should I go back to work?" I laughed. This cycle is so ancient and it happens to all of us, and yet we cannot see what is it that makes her say that. "I am bored" we say, or "I want to make my own money". It is all an illusion. An illusion that keeps us here, recycling what is ancient within us, blocking us from seeing what is really being called to see.

"What is the Truth?" she asked me. Oooh the ego so wants to know... "it depends where you are," I told her. The Spirit already knows. The Spirit always knew. Only when we continuously run around, not listening; camouflaging what's within; we see what's we have always seen before, never realising that there is always something more.

My teacher told me the other day, my past wisdom is my present ignorance. To be honest, I was very much triggered by it. I had just acknowledged my progress!! And yet, there was wisdom in what he said ~ there is no conclusion to wisdom. To see things as before, is not seeing it at all.

Namaste.

It's back to the Self

It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.

~ Buddha ~

thus, the beginning journey back to the Self...

The Chattering

Although on the surface, everything seems fine, the inner world is what we truly experience as real. So constantly and unconsciously that at every moment in time, whenever we see a 'body' out there, we are either seeking approval or something else from another. It could be a simple sms, which did not require an acknowledgment, and yet the mind wanders off, wandering... "eh, how come he/she never reply one?"

Is there a need to reply an sms when all that one sends in a text are merely expressions? As what BiBoo said in the comment of my previous entry, we look like we are talking to each other, but in truth, we are just talking to ourselves - verbalizing our internal talk. It is like those people you see in asylums, or in the midst of getting caught up in work. They start talking to themselves and we label them as 'mad' or 'crazy'.

The truth is that we are all mad. But on another level, that too, is an illusion when we are finally aware of our immersion with the automated programmes running in the mind. There are two inner worlds that are struggling within ~ one that sees the truth and the other that lives the lie.

Yesterday I went through some saved chats I had with some friends. As I read through consciously, I realised how easily we misinterpret or misunderstand each other. I'm sure you know how it is, words flying across the chat rooms without stopping.. sometimes it is confusing until someone decides to stop a while and wait for the other to finish talking. And yet, even if that person has or has not, we wouldn't know.. because that person does not say so unless we ask. So it is always in our guessing, and for that the possibility of interruptions and misunderstanding each other is so high.

Another thing I realised about myself was this. I like silence, but yet fear of it. That is why I talk a lot, even in chats. I just type on, not paying full attention to what is being presented to me because I am afraid of the silence which could potentially arise. And I cannot allow that silence to come up, especially when I deem there is a 'body' out there communicating with me, because that would trigger discomfort in me - all learning from a delusional idea, the wrong perception from the observations of past experiences. So you see how the mind is always chattering. At least in my case. Even when we see a quiet person, we perceive that the person is peaceful and has nothing much to say thus conclude he must have a peaceful mind. Check with him deeper, and he will reveal that it is not so... there are many, many chattering in the mind, only that he did not take the path to externalise it.

Sometimes it comes to the extent that there is really nothing to say because you will never get what I mean and I will never get what you mean. When I think I get what you mean, it is only because what I think you are saying is what I think resonating with what I think it is. In truth, I may never be sure if that is what you mean for words that come out from you are going into my ears and my mind, which are then interpreted by the old programming which still runs.

It's hard to shake this off. But it is only hard because we judge. Although self-awareness is important, what's more important - according to my experience and my teacher's repeated teachings - is our attitude towards it, and our choice to consciously choose again.

In truth, nothing has happened. It was all a dream. It was just our imagination. It was just an illusion, which we had unconsciously took it as real... opps... ;p

The Acknowledgement

The other day I was having a chat with one of my teachers over Skype. He commented how much I had grown in my journey and that I was resonating with his teachings. At that moment, although I was sure he was right, there was sheer shyness obviously stemming from the sense of unworthiness. The praise I would say did ‘make my day’ although constant thoughts of doubt filled my head too. My teacher, noticing my silence and, understanding the mind too well, reminded me to ignore the ego talks.

After that conversation, I felt a little elated and a little proud. I excitedly told hubby what my teacher had said and hubby too, acknowledged the same. At that moment, I wondered… how would he (hubby) know that I had grown? And then I realize the sense of doubt had surfaced again.

At this stage, self-inquiry has become a natural process for me. It was always a matter a time when this process sets in for the right understanding to surface. I questioned the mixed emotions; pretty sure that it was all of egoic nature, or rather unconscious projection at play.

And soon, I realized…

I did not dare to acknowledge my own growth - this failure to acknowledge myself had put me in an inferior position, seeking approval or acknowledgement from the outside. And once I get that from the outside, I became somewhat superior! However, that superiority did not last when plays of doubt set in. It just could not surpass that inferiority because that superiority was merely a swing from one end of the pendulum from the other end. Get what I mean?

And yet, I cannot deny that I have indeed grown. Even Angel commented that the contents of my blog entries are somewhat different from the past. Being true to myself, I realized that my understanding had heightened to the extent that I could edit my teacher’s work with a kind of clarity and surety. I clearly understands what he is writing - even having the courage to correct his sentences to put out what he means clearer. Previously when I was bestowed such tasks, I would just proofread per se. Just grammatical errors if you know what I mean, not having the guts to question, suggest or say anything at all simply because I wasn’t really sure if I understood what he was writing!! And I assure you, what my teacher writes is D-E-E-P! Now, I could put in words; suggest another way to present what he means and etc. That, to me, is real progress in my journey.

So having realized my own progress, and finally acknowledging myself for it, I came to peace with myself.

How did I know?

On Thursday, I went up to Ipoh with my teacher and a few friends. During our mum-mum time, my teacher mentioned once again to one of our friends that I was one of his fastest growing students from the centre. Another accompanying friend acknowledged that. I kept quiet and watched the mind. I did not feel anything. I did not feel elated, or shy, or even in doubt. It was strange, but I knew. I was impartial to that statement because I had already acknowledged myself for it. I did not need anyone out there to acknowledge me in that way anymore. In fact, I never needed any acknowledgement from anyone, except myself. Although having said that, I still appreciate your expression, teacher!! *winks*

It is easy to tell ourselves or other people that whatever that we have ever needed is within, and that in truth, we don’t really ‘need’ anything from anyone out there. But until the experience is true to me, then I could vouch for it. And now, I can vouch for it.

I used to be pretty upset when people misunderstand my blog entries too. When I write, I write from the space of truth – my experience of truth, that is – and my intentions are purely to share, or to remind myself; but somehow I would receive comments telling me not to think so much, not to be sad, angry or upset… and that life is simply too short! As if I belonged to some mental hospital!!

Oh, if you only knew the Truth! And really, I am just jotting down what I’ve learned and what I’ve experienced… not upset, or angry or sad, or depressed.

But that aside. That is not what I was getting at. What I am getting at is this; I am no longer effected by other people’s comments on my blog… I finally understand them, because I have understood myself. And, this understanding liberates me.

The Quick Defense

The other day, I saw how I so quickly defended myself when someone comments something about me which I deem as untrue. Untrue, because I think I am not what they think me to be.

My MIL commented that I will not be able to live without a maid when I said that once my dogs die and guardian angel decides not to renew her contract, I would move to a smaller residence and live without a maid. My MIL laughed and said, "You will still need a maid right? You've never been without a maid!" That is not entirely true. I have had the luxury of not having domestic support. However, as I pondered deeply upon my quick-to-defend behaviour, I begun to understand why she would have such a perception of me, and why I couldn't agree with her perception of me.

She was right. In her knowledge of my life's experiences, I had always been blessed with a maid! Only when hubby and I lived together before our little gem was born did I experience a brief period without a maid. That too, I had part time helpers to clean the house. Not that I couldn't do it on my own, or that I needed cleaners. Just that I chose to hire them.

What she thought or perceived of me was right. It cannot be wrong because that was her observations of me and her conditioning had made her conclude that I could not live without a maid. And what has her perception got to do with me, except to allow me an opportunity to self-inquire my auto-mated reaction?

I realised that I was triggered because I think what you say about me is untrue; and I don't like you to think that way of me. Again, what have what you think of me got to do with me? That's right, absolutely nothing. Anyone is entitled to think what they think similarly to my entitlement to freedom.

So it seems that while others have perceptions of me, so have I of myself. And when I find that you say or think a quality of me which does not agree with the list of qualities of what I think I am, then I'd say, "you don't know me." But do I really have these qualities - those I think I have and those you think I have? Yes and no. Yes due to the nature of impermanence; and no because what is inconsistent cannot be real. What is real is always constant and consistent.

So what I think I am, and what you think I am is ultimately not important ~ because they are all not me. And who I am; whom you think you see, whom I think I see; is but only a bundle of false ideas, hiding behind a persona to fool the world and myself that ~ this is I. In fact, there is not even an "I". Get it?