Giving Up of an Old Meaning

Today started out just as any ordinary day. Except that Thea and I both overslept for her class and my gym. I stayed home, talked to hubby, showered and then had lunch. After that, I left alone to a chiropractic session, got myself adjusted and then headed home. I decided to go to pasar malam to buy some fish and vegetables (they seriously have very fresh fish and vegetables there) and then went for pedicure.

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In the midst of my shopping in a cooling day at the pasar malam, my dad called. He asked me if I could make it to the annual temple dinner on the 16th. I told him that I could not make it because I have a prior dinner appointment on the same day. He probed further and I lied, saying that we will be having dinner with Thea's friends to celebrate her birthday. He got frustrated because he thought that I should make the temple dinner a priority over the dinner with my friends. The truth is, I was not having dinner with Thea's friends. I was having dinner with my mom, Chow, grandma, uncle & aunty to celebrate not only Thea's birthday but also mom's birthday. Due to the so-it-seems disharmony situation that we have at home (as in the families), we are never able to gather everyone peacefully and in harmony to have one big dinner together. Or perhaps that is my creation, I don't know.. but that is not the point now. The point is, I lied. I was mindful that I was feeling guilty of the lie; and not giving dignity to my mom that I was proud to have dinner with her and her family. While the vegetable fella was calculating how much money had to be transacted over the vegetables I picked, I text my dad telling him the truth that I am actually having dinner with my mom on the 16th and apologised that for the lie.

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His reply, as expected, was not very nice. He said a few things that would have made me feel pretty uneasy if I had not changed my mindset about myself. Surprisingly, I did not feel hurt or angry or anything. Just some sense of relief, and thanked him for the blessings. In the same text, I shared that I've embarked on a journey of peace within myself; accepting the good, bad, beautiful and ugly in me and also everybody else including him. He wrote back and said that his personal opinion of me is that I am full of shit. Again, some sense of peace; as opposed to before, I would have felt insulted, rejected or defensive. I thanked him again for his expression; and reminded him that if I was full of shit, it was entirely my business and that perhaps he should start thinking if he himself is full of shit because for one to recognise a quality, he or she must know or have it. I know this might sound a little harsh reading it; but genuinely, I typed these text in peace, while noting the fear that was creeping inside me - the fear of his reactions (which will strengthen my sense of rejection and unworthiness) and the possibility of our relationship deteriorating further. I figured that this is my space now, and my moment. There is truly no one out there, and I was merely sharing what I've experienced, known and learnt in hope that he too could, turn the radar in towards himself; rather than focusing and pointing fingers on the outside; to find peace within himself. Whatever people or events that surrounds or happens to you are simply your own projections from your own unconscious guilt and fear. And you are indeed the only one who has a choice to either continue nurturing that guilt and fear, or to leave the drama entirely by forgiving it.

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Anyway, I text hubby soon after (while I was in the midst of my pedicure) of what happened and that we should really get our own car. He has been too generous to us, sharing his abundance with us and I am deeply grateful. But beneath the surface of gratefulness, I noticed a kind of attachment. The attachment to an idea that as long as my dad supports me, I am loved. And if I ever do give him back the car, it would; according to the old thought system that I had; be as if I am cutting off support from him. Now, support from him had always, if not mostly been monetary or material. Believe it or not, when I was aware of that thought, I felt certain aches at my lower back soon after. In spiritual sense, when you experience aches or pains at your lower back, it means that you worry about the lack of money subconsciously. I knew that my mind was worried. It had afterall, been running this idea that without my dad's presence, I'd be doomed. I smiled and quietly told myself, "hey, not to worry, we'll be fine. It is just a lesson, and he is still in my heart." Miraculously, the discomfort went away.

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I reflected a little here and there on what happened between my dad and I. Although to the outside world, I had always seemed like the hard-headed daughter who went against my dad's wishes, used him and etc etc.. I knew deep down inside, all I wanted from him was just to love and accept me for the way I am, or not. I even went into this drama of moving out when I was younger, not depending on him so much financially to prove my Independence. And yes, I did well on the outside; and yet, I lost - because of my attachment to the idea of what my dad is to me.

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So, the car is not a "cut-off" from dad. But rather, a detachment. It is just an obvious action of intent to detach from the old meaning I had of my dad all these while. Now, detach does not mean that I don't love. It only means that I am now giving up my old idea of dad, to see dad for who he truly is - another being trying to live this life.

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Anyway, I am aware that I have slowly regained back my power. I am not speaking of any supernatural powers or an independent power that draws me away from him. He will always remain as my biological and loving father who gave life to me, nurtured me and gave me whatever he thought was best for me. And while it is hard to regain my grounds to stand firm on my own values - and not his; I am now finding more peace within myself of how I relate to things, people and the events that surrounds and happens to me.

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It is truly interesting how I have evolved. Of course, nothing stops me from going back to my old addictive pattern of self lack in terms of love and integrity. But will I, or will I not? It is ultimately, still my choice and no one else's.

Young, but Wise

Last night, I was working on my laptop. As usual, the little one came climbing on top of me to either join me in my work, or to irritate me. It was really annoying because I was trying to finish my work quickly so that I could take a break for the day. Stressed was building up especially when she kept attempting to type on the keyboard I was using. Soon, I could not take it anymore and blurted, "Thea, mommi's getting angry." After I said that, she kept quiet and burst into tears. She turned around and hugged me. I hugged her back for a very short while and typed away as she held on to me.

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After a while, she got down from my lap and went to watch TV. I could still hear her whining as she watched her favourite Strawberry Short Cake VCD. I made a mental note to give her an assuring hug and kiss after I was done with my work.

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Soon after I've finished my work (I am currently working on a project and some other voluntary work), I went to her. She was sitting at her little sofa all curled up. I told her that I've finished work and gave her a big hug and a few big kisses. She continued to sulk. I decided to leave her alone and proceeded upstairs to watch TV with hubby.

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Hubby and I were quite engrossed with the movie that was playing on Star Movies. She came upstairs and greeted us like normal.

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Thea: "hi dada, hi mommi!"

Dada & Mommi: "hi Thea!"

Thea: "Thea finish crying already."

Mommi: "Why were you crying?" *amazed*

Thea: "oh, because mommi was feeling angry with Thea."

*Mommi feeling guilty, shocked and touched by her sheer honest expression*

Mommi: "oh, I am sorry, pumpkin, for feeling angry earlier..." *hugging Thea tightly*

Thea: "oh, it's ok mommi, it was only an accident." *smiling*

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I had only taught her thrice, that she is not anger, and that anger is only a feeling; and there she was, explaining to her best capacity of what she understood... and what amazed and touched me even further was that she was able to understand that the anger was not intentional, and that it was just a feeling that came and went; not permanent. And by being able to "wake up" from the "victim" mode all by herself, she surely taught me a thing of two: -

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You have a choice to choose what you want to believe. You can choose to believe something that will make you feel better or worse... because no truth, is ever the REAL truth. The truth is, only what's real to you. And what's real to you, shall be what binds you; or free you.

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Thank you, my little pumpkin.. my young & wise teacher... With gratitude, I love you... :)

The Start of the Tupperware Business!!

I finally got my tupperware sales kit today!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! Although I don't know much about it, but somehow there is an overwhelming feeling when I got it from the bunch of things that my mom gave me. Just this feeling of excitement!

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The business is one thing, but really, just a sense of ownership and authority being able to speak about it! Can you imagine, I'd be able to know more about Tupperwares and get access to the various goodness and designs of them! It is just too exciting!!

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I have managed to close one sale about a week ago. Thanks to Jenneifer for her generous support and her profound honesty that she loves Tupperwares too except that she doesn't have anywhere to place them yet. Although it is not much and my earnings is only about RM6 but I think it is a good start. It is afterall, a good product!! And by being a newly signed-up Tupperware distributor, I get new tupperwares for free too! I am so excited because I was just complaining to my maid the other day that I have to get so more of these because there isn't enough to put the biscuits/cereals that I bought for Thea! Now I have 3 extras! The feeling is great!

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Come on, join me to indulge in the world of Tupperwares! It will change the way you view your kitchen - one of the more vital sections of your home!!!

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Cheerios!!

Heroes Season III

This is actually long overdue. I marked in my calendar about 2 weeks ago that I would stay home to watch Heroes Season 3 Marathon airing on Astro on 2nd March. It started at about 2pm and ended about almost midnight.

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Although I would have liked to be glued to the TV to catch every second of the show, very unfortunately I did not due to certain happenings in my house. Well, something not very nice has happened, but it is not to my home or any of my loved ones; except that it happened in my house because that incident was not within control. It was something unpleasant, but it had nothing to do with my dear ones. Just someone that I knew and was trying to accomodate during her time of troubles. I am still thinking if I should blog about it.. since it is not my business, but then again, the fact that I am inevitably "involved" in her recovery process, I am already in that shared space. Anyway, we'll see.

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Back to Heroes. Now, I must say that this season is more 'chi kek' compared to Season 2. I did not managed to watch every detail of it but the parts and puzzles of it helped me more or less understand what was actually going on. Although some friends had told me that it is no longer interesting, but I find it still quite challenging. To me, it has many lessons to be learnt and reflects many truths about us, being humans on the surface of this world; our thoughts, reactions and who we truly are.

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Take for instance, Gabriel a.k.a. Sylar. There were a few episodes where he was actually the good guy, which was in fact, his true nature. He did not have to kill others to attain the ability (this season explains why he wanted to get other people's abilities) and he actually found a way to get it without having to kill anyone. However, his surroundings did not permit him to move on positively; for he was deceived by lies and manipulated by others plus strong views from others that he was indeed a killer; and not someone of a good nature; for that, he turned bad again; a killer; whom he had come to terms with in some ways, that is his true nature. It was truly a heartached story for him. For he wanted a chance, and he seeked the second chance from others; and it was sad that he didn't know that the second chance lies within him and not from other people. Now, this is just a fiction. Perhaps if he had really turned good, that would mean the end of Heroes. But in reality, many people dictate their lives on other people's perception on how they should do it, or truthfully, who they are. The truth is, who knows you better than you? Yes, mistakes are always done.. but they are only meant to be corrected, and not punished. Sometimes, we point the finger outwards, blaming others or the outside for the misery that we put ourselves through; relying on the outside world a.k.a. a third party to make us feel better... to give us love and peace. But really, it is until you are willing to face who you truly are inside, and acknowledge it - the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly that you would truly be free and peaceful inside. There is no one out there.. there is only you and you are responsible for the life you live.

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Hmm.. it looks like I have diverted. But I can't help it at this juncture. I think this incident that is happening relating to someone I know is somehow putting a lot of thoughts in me. A girl, who shared her dreams with her friends only because she thought it was safe to be shared; and then manipulated and having to go through the consequences of being merely an innocent child, a dreamer... My heart aches for her. All I can do at this moment is just be by her side whenever she needs me to. But, it does take a toll on me because I have other needs and responsibilities to fulfil as well. I just pray that she will get well soon.

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Back to Heroes 3 again.. it is a good catch! At least, to me it is. Enjoy! :D

The Weight

Disgustingly, I think I've put on weight again. And my dad had to send me a text this morning to remind about it. Hubby, always being the encouraging and loving hubby would assure me that I am fine and that it is just water retention. I chose to believe him and consoled myself until I saw a picture that Mervin tagged me today - AIKES, I have gained weight and I look TERRIBLE!!

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Sickening. Truly truly sickening. I feel sick in such a body shape and I don't know what is stopping me from doing anything about it. I admit that I do eat, but I don't indulge. I think it is that confidence that I've gained since losing off some weight and relaxed my diet a little.. as in, I started indulging in carbos again. Being a PCOS patient, my body is insulin resistent - which means; if I am not ready to exercise X amount of hours to burn off fats, then I ought to only eat X-Y amount of food. Disgusting!

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I am feeling pretty upset now, which is no good. But then again, maybe it is good 'cause it curbs my appetite. But that is certainly not a healthy way to lose weight. Shucks.. and all that resolution about getting to 51kg. Can I really do it? Mom said that it would be harder once I've reached a plato in losing weight and it will be harder. Sh*t!!

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I think now, I am not proud of what I did to my own body. Hmm.. maybe I should find a picture of a body that I like and paste it on my dressing table mirror to remind myself of my goal. Yeah.. will do that tonight, and tomorrow start psyching myself to go to the gym to work out, work out and work out. Eat right, eat right and eat right!

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ARGH.... Give me back my ideal body!!!!!!! Damn it!