I am wondering...
You see, something happened for me again today, a repeated incident; although the casts of this incident, or rather story, is different; it has something with me putting pictures up on the Facebook.
I don't understand it. What is privacy? Do we really have privacy? If we do and treasure our privacy so much, then why do we create an account in Facebook? or even blog for that matter? Of course, we have our options to limit our information available only to people that we are 'friends' with, then in that case, why do we have 'limitations' to what we share?
Recently, my brother complained to me about some photos of him (actually, more of his wife - his picture was not in existence in that album) in one of my Facebook album which I had put up months ago. He requested that I deleted those pictures (those of his wife) because they bore the same background of some pictures of Mom and Chow. His reasoning was because he didn't want dad to see them, in fear that it would upset dad and therefore may threatened his relationship with dad. Ok, I can understand that. While it was against my will (because I argued that it was MY facebook account!), I removed the pictures to ensure that I did not leave any trace of him, hanging out with Mom and Chow. I chose peace. Of course, much later, I found out the separation hinted by one of my Masters, and the energy of my thoughts infused with that photo album.
So, I thought that lesson was over.
And then today, my girlfriends told me to remove their pictures (though not in exact words) in an album that I recently posted. I can't understand why. Perhaps they didn't look pretty enough? Perhaps my photography skills sucked that it did not make them look good? Perhaps, they thought they looked like fools in their stunts? I don't know. I really don't, because I thought that those photos, or any photos that I had put up were as beautiful as the moments that I had enjoyed with them. They, are beautiful to me irregardless. And then I found out, that I could actually customise the album to only allow selected people to view them. Ok, I learnt something new. But it was still disturbing me. I don't understand it. What were they reflecting? What were they trying to tell me about me? What was it that my subconscious mind was projecting?
I called Angel. She always has a clear mind and always had her ways of making me see things when I am unable to. BB told me it was guilt. But, whose guilt? Although I recognise that it was just a meaningless story, then why I am being affected by it? I am quite sure that I am still ignorant to the message this story brings.
And then, just a moment ago, I wondered... gosh, is everything -all guilt-, mine and mine only? I can't understand it. They are the ones who feel bad about something and because I am the one who had 'done' it, I needed to 'undo' it to resolve the matter. I wondered again, how come, it is always me that puts people in such situation? It is either I have bad memory, or I just can't seem to pinpoint a situation where someone has put me in 'hot soup' as I've put them? is it really, always me? how come, I am the one who creates all these misery, anger, disappointment in other people? And how come, I don't see it? And when I believe that "I" am the one who did it, I feel guilty and bad.. wanting to resolve all the ill feelings in the situation, others and myself... but when I remember that they too have their own 'shit' (otherwise they won't be feeling those kinds of things towards what I do, right?), then I feel a need to stand in my own truth of not wanting to do what they want me to do... and then, when I remember that "there is no one out there, but me", I feel like shit again, because it all always comes down to me!
On the surface, how come I don't feel affected that other people put up my ugly pictures, or where I've been but other people feel that? On the inside, I know... I know... it is all my projection - but WHAT IS IT?
On the surface, I wonder... when we all go out together, you bring your camera, I bring my camera, we snap away... you pose for me, I pose for you... isn't that already permission granted in each other's space? And then, wherever you or I wish to upload, photoshop, edit, even to print out the pictures to throw darts at, isn't that our own thing? And then, do we have the right to request another to do, or not to do this or that? I realise, we don't. We don't actually have the right to request someone out of another person. Well, yeah, we could request, but whether it is done or not is totally irreleavent to the person who made the request. And then, the person to whom the request is made to is left with a choice - their own choice, to comply or to stand in their own space of authority.
Please don't misunderstand. I am not angry, upset or pissed off with any of the casts, i.e. my brother or my friends. I am just pissed off with myself because I believe that time and time again, I am always the one who create shit for people. Gladys told me yesterday over MSN (though I am not sure if she is joking), that everything revolves around me. I used to think not because I revolved around them (the Angels) in the past, then I revolved around hubby and Thea for a while, and now, I admit that I revolve around me. Well, at least most of the time. I acknowledge that everything happens for me and me only. I used to feel guilty about it, but now I receive with love. But then again, is it ALWAYS me? Really really? I don't know. Sometimes I don't think so. Like the time when I have my conservations with Angel, yes.. while we do talk about me, we also talk about her. And, like the time I have my tea or breakfast or dinner with Jer Lin, we talk about me, and we talk about her too... And, like the time I listen to hubby talk about his work and me about losing weight, there is a balance no? But then again, I am not so sure, because these are just my filters, my perception, the meaning that I put into each situation, the "you"s and the "I"s.. the separation, the story.
I so want to call someone to ask, "is it always me?" to clarify if really, "it's always me". But I realise that whatever response that I want to hear would determine who I'd call. See, isn't it always me? What a joke I've created for myself! Hah!
I long for people to take responsibility for their own 'shit' so that there'd be less blaming in the world, or more specifically, directed to me (see, it's me again!) because I do take responsibility for my own shit. Or so I think... I will always remember Gladys face when she said this to me last last last friday when I visited her hurt toe, "That's what you think only!" and she is right. I love her, always giving it straight to my face. The reminder that kicks me in the butt. :)
Oh gosh, do I now need to seek her permission or anyone's permission to put their names in my blog? But this blog is about me, no? Can I express in my blog how much I love such and such a person, or a moment, or a situation? And are you not associated with me, within my circle of life? Are you not aware that once within the space of my vicinity, permission is granted? I trust that I give credit where it's due - whether to another or to myself. The love and gratitude can come from an advise, a conversation, a meal, a trip, or simply by just remembering and appreciating the moments I have with that person, that place, that situation. Even in entries that I am writing about a seemingly "bad" thing, I am appreciating it. Otherwise, it wouldn't even come out from me, no?
Ah well, it is THAT obvious, it is ALWAYS me, and about me!
I am happy now. This is, as what Byron Katie says, very very good news. :)
