Usefulness

Been feeling kinda funny lately. Just wanna rush here, rush there while hubby strolls... hmm, definitely a conflict here, and somewhat a contradicting atmosphere too! He is supposed to be the stressed up one, the busy one, working his butt off (he really enjoys his work by the way) while I am the supposedly lady of leisure! So what on earth happened here? Why was I fidgeting and he smiling all the time?

I was rushing here, and rushing there.. even while driving, I noticed my right foot a little heavier than usual, a certain wanting to get to the destination fast! To put things into order! Oh, as if!!!

And this went on for quite a while. I just didn't understand what was happening - state of mind was not clear, hence mindfulness was not possible (trust me, I tried the breathe in-breathe out and only realised that I was too, rushing that process). It was irritating. That led me to being in a foul and confused mood - blaming hubby for not talking to me, blaming hubby for not taking me out, blaming hubby for not kissing me more, blaming hubby for everything!! (yeah, I know I know.. poor hubby ;p) Believe me, I even contemplated going back to work!!

As I stayed with the feeling, I knew that it was a feeling of wanting 'to do something'. And when I lift my butt to 'do something', somehow the feeling was not subdued. There was just no peace! I was just practically finding fault with everything!! To elaborate on this scenario, I kept rushing to do something, or thinking that I need to do something, to keep myself busy (or more truthful, to keep myself useful now that I've realised!); but when I am doing that something which I had settled for 'doing', I find no enthusiasm or passion or 'mood' to do it!

Crazy huh?

Today was the turning point though. I finally went to the gym - a long awaiting activity (due to weight gain and deteriorating fitness). The Biggest Loser-Asia really inspired and motivated me ;p. And after gym, I returned Boon Ling's call. We chatted for quite a while, and shared the same sentiment of this feeling - the rush, the wanting to do, and then the non-contentment of doing. It was clear, I was feeling useless for not doing anything (not working, not cooking, not cleaning, not writing, not whatever!) and the rush was to 'con' myself that if I was able to drive faster, eat faster, talk faster, or what-so-ever faster, I'd be able to accomplish more things in a day and that would make me a more useful person!! LOLS! What a laugh I had!! The reward that accompanied this realisation was of course no other my dear pal, peace... I was finally able to come back to myself, taking my own sweet time to pamper myself :D. What a relief!!

It is indeed not the destination, but the journey which makes the destination more meaningful. I am thankful for this experience, for it has revealed to be a little bit more about myself, and to appreciate myself a little wee bit more... ;D

Oh Beloved One

I look onto you, as if you are my whole world;

I didn't know that it was control over me, that I had given you.

So now I depend on your Love, your words and your touch,

So that I could deceive myself that I am loved, wanted and cherished.

And so my torture begins... I thought I loved you, and I thought I owned you;

and you see, it was all a trick, which was only the other way round.

I don't love you neither do I own you;

and you probably don't love me, neither do you own me.

But you see, my Love, you see.. I so want you to love me and own me...

Because when you love me and you own me,

I am free from taking responsibility for myself and free from facing my worst nightmares..

And then I realise that there comes a point in time - Your generous Love itself cannot save me from me...

Will you leave me, dear beloved one, when you know how dirty I am inside?

Or will you stay to listen to what I have to express?

Will you know that I am only speaking what words would have me say,

without any intentions whatsoever to attack you at all?

But how will I know myself, if I am not attacking you at all?

How will I know if my intentions are set right?

If I knew my subconscious, then it wouldn't be called 'subconscious',

Oh beloved one, will you bear with me...

Dance with me, beloved one, dance with me...

Can we just surrender ourselves and just move with the flow..

Can we finally let down our masks, to our imperfect dance?

And then finally meet one another, without our shinning white armours?

Will I finally receive your Love when I've finally met myself?

Will I then return your Love, when I've finally loved myself?

How could I not, when I am then Love?

Only Love recognise Love, and there is surely no other way...

The Mirror of Ignorance

I look into the mirror.

What do I find?

A face staring back,

a face not satisfied.

The focus is everywhere,

yet, denial is everywhere...

Look at those sagged breasts,

look at the bulging tummy.

It's not sightly,

the dissatisfied becomes disgustedly.

Can I look beyond?

How come the unwillingness?

How come the persistence to dwell in the discomfort,

seeking to blame, seeking to hate?

Can I not recognise beauty?

Can I not recognise Love?

Where are you, oh Acceptance?

Where are you, oh Peacefulness?

So easily, we attempt the superficial

Believing the beauty outside, is the beauty within;

Oh when will I ever learn? Oh when will I ever see?

That it is so within, latterly so without...

The Witch of Portobello -- Paulo Coelho

I have finally finished reading this book - one of the books I had taken forever to finish! ;p

The coincidental part about this title (this particular book, that is) is that I bought this book for Terri for her birthday last year (I think), and immediately on the following day, I received the same title from BB and LF on the last session of the Mindfulness, A Starting Point course held at Clove&Clive.

What awed me even more later, was that I found out through Gladys' blog that she was reading the same title too! Coincidence? By the way, this was last year too. ;p

The beginning of the book was really interesting for me. Even Gladys mentioned to me that she thought I'd find this book interesting! Somehow, coming to the middle parts of the book, my interest withered away, don't know why.. which prompted me to move on to other books first, or more real, to move further along my own spiritual journey -- and finally, with much more information, knowledge and experiences that I've acquired, I found more relevance when I picked up the book again - only to find myself immersed in the book once again.

There are too many excerpts which I had mentally captured where I had initial intentions to share in entries but changed my mind afterwards. Due to sheer laziness.. lols! But there are 2 paragraphs extracted from the story which I would like to pen here, to remind myself of what we perceive as most important,

"Love is not a habit, a commitment, or  a debt. It isn't what romantic songs tell us it is - love simply is. That is the testament of Athena or Sherine or Hagia Sofia - love is. No definitions. Love and don't ask too many questions. Just Love."

"That was the only time I dared to ask her: 'Why do you love me?'

 She replied, 'I don't know and I don't care.'

 Now, as I put the finishing touches to these pages, I believe I may have found the answer in her last conversation with the journalist. Love simply is."

*excerpts from The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho*

I remember Hari asking me this once, "Why do you read?"

He knew clearly that I was reading out of a 'kiasu' (scared to lose) attitude to acquire more knowledge, thinking that the more information, knowledge I acquired (which in truth, I was actually only reading again, and again, materials with the same kind of essence all these while), I'd be able to progress further in my journey.

And he continued, "Why not read because you enjoy reading?"

Yes, I do enjoy reading.. but when I imposed conditions on 'what I have to get out of it', I so subconsciously burden myself, which robbed me the joy of reading.

You see, as long as I have not grown, what I read from book-to-book would display the same kind of messages to me! My perception could not be otherwise! lols!

When I finally released my expectations and just read whenever I felt like it, flowing with the flow; I not only enjoy reading whatever that was in front of me, I could relate the message in which the dear authors try to convey. :)

The Witch of Portobello is a good read, only when we are ready to receive what dear Paulo is trying to convey. :) Kudos, Paulo!

Far, but Near...

I remember I was really sad when a dear friend of mine, Hilda had to go to UK to further studies. Not sad for her, but for myself. I was happy for her, because she was flying off for a better-rounded education, experience; but sad because she was leaving my vicinity so to speak.

And then we hardly caught up, due to her busy-ness, due to my busy-ness. My bad, my bad.. I was caught up in my own ruckus...

She's been through hell and back on her own; so have I; since then. :)

I knew her through puppy.com. Thanks to Elly somehow pulling all of us together. With Joanne too, we had had a series of good fun with our furkids. :)

I remember telling her before she left for the UK, "Oh Hilda, what am I to do without you?" She was one whom I had spent lots of time with, baking, talking, chatting, laughing.. and especially time when I was alone at home (whilst pregnant) she would come to accompany me - play scrabbles, watch movie, eat... and boy, she can really really eat!! Sometimes I wonder where all those food go within her little petite body!

And today, I finally get news that she is getting hitched this May! FINALLY! Another one of the member bites the dust! Lols! And I am guessing her everything - which is her little 'Ah Kow' would be her maid-in-honour. ;D

What inspired me to write this blog is - remembering how lost I felt for a little while during her absence and somehow being able to cope with the flow of life eventually without the company of this beautiful friend made me realise that I survived! Of course I survived! And so did all of us. So it is a lie that we would not live without anyone. We are all alone. Being one of the last (I have the perception so) to know that she is getting married brings me back to the point of asking myself of my own presence in her life all these while when she was away in the UK. All these talks to myself, with hubby, with her, with some other friends of visiting her in UK never materialised. All those talks about her coming back also never materialised! Lols! How ironic. Not that we don't miss each other, but I guess we each must have been fully lived our own live right where we are; trusting that whoever afar was good and fine.

This is a friend for keeps, despite the distance, the time spent apart, the moments that we missed being together. As I remind myself that although she is physically not available, her friendship or presence is embedded into the heart.

What are friends for? Of so many reasons that could be different to each individual. To me, they are all Love; all Love's presence in my life.

God bless you, Hilda. I love you. :)