Some unpleasant event happened on Christmas Day, so my dad never got the chance, or rather got into the mood to open the Christmas present that I gave him. A few times I asked him why he hadn't opened it and he'd sarcastically reply, "You already gave me the best Christmas gift." Ok, yes, I boo-booed. Although I didn't think that it was entirely my fault but I do admit that I was insensitive to the situation and do have to take full responsibility of what I did. And no, I will not go into details because no use crying or mentioning about the spilt milk right?
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Anyway, this evening dad suddenly called me and invited me to his house to discuss about the residential committee's newsletter about dogs. There was this newsletter that our president sent out and he had asked me over to clarify certain matters. That didn't take long. Thereafter, we started chatting about other stuffs comfortably. After a while, I remembered about the present which was still lying on the side table in his hall. So I went to take it and gave it to him. Being my grumpy dad, he nagged a little about what happened on Christmas Day but when I finally placed the present in front of him, he opened it carefully.
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It was a book on the 100 Wonders of the World. I know how much he loves traveling especially to places which borne historical meanings. I was so pleased when he flipped each page of the book, one by one; with me sitting beside him. We talked about the places that he has been and the places that he wish to visit. It was truly truly a pleasant father and daughter bonding session. I enjoyed it.
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When he finished flipping the last page, he said this, "Now, don't think that this book that you gave me can make up for all the things you did to me..." I laughed at him. He was just so cute when he said that. I told him that the gift was not to make up to him, but to support his interest in traveling the world. Before I left, he said, "Thank You." and I gave him a hug before I walked home.
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Yes, I do love my dad very much and I know he loves me too. I guess I was very childish then and did not have the wisdom to understand the hardship that he had been through to have said or treated me in a certain way. I failed to see that all he ever wanted was to give me his best, although I knew it. Now I've come to understand that knowing one thing and understanding it is 2 entirely different things. Now that I am older and am on this spiritual journey, it has helped me understand that many a times when I was hurt and angry, it was not because of him but because I had allowed myself to play the role of a victim when in actual fact was never his true intention. It was all love. Love from a dad to a child; sincerity from the heart. Just that he had his own issues too, just as I had mine.
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Sometimes I feel bad that I am unable to be the daughter that he wants me to be. But then again, if I'd ever thread on that line again; I'm pretty sure that I'd be a bigger disappointment to myself because I'd not be true to myself and for that, in some way or another, fail him miserably.
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I am feeling more peaceful now.. being able to turn my radar inward from the initial outward. Because I am now able to see more clearly that whatever that is outside of me, is merely my own reflection and creation. And sincerely, I choose to create my world with love.
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Blessed Be.
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