His Passing On

Heard from my brother that a family friend's youngest son passed on yesterday morning. I think he was probably 16, or 18. Hubby suggested that we should pay a visit to the family since he has close resonance with the parents of the boy but I resisted, citing reasons that I am sensitive to energies and there is nothing that I could do for the family. For confirmation sake, I 'tuned' into his accident to make sure that there were Saints or Angels with him to help his transition; he appeared to have already been 'received'.

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So this morning, I went to Chezz for a hair treatment with Pauline in different cars. On the way there, I saw a signboard with the departed's name. Very suddenly, there was a calling in the heart to go to the house, hence the call to Adrian (the departed's cousin) - confirmed that it was alright to go at 12pm.

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So after the hair treatment, I left for their place which was really nearby. Was greeted by Uncle Addy, Yu Jeen, Sue Ann and then Aunty Josie. Aunty Josie just kept crying. Well, it was understandable. Through the conversations with Yu Jeen and Sue, it seemed that Aunty Josie was up and down.

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As I sat down outside with Yu Jeen and Sue, they didn't seem to mind to tell me how the 'death' happened. They did not seem to mind talking about their dear brother, Yu Vern at all. I kept still in case I could hear or see Yu Vern (the departed); in case there was something he needed, or wanted to say. But he was fine. I could not see him literally, but I saw him with 4 angels - 3 of his own, and the other was AAGabriel. He did not tell me much, but I had a sense of knowing that it was his decision to move on. I know, it sounds absurd that he would 'chose' to pass on. All I can say is that he was given a choice; and after witnessing what would become of him and his experience with his family after he recovered; he made his choice, with the Grace of God.

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We usually think that death is scary, or as a bad thing. The bad thing about death is not about that person passing on; it is the guilt that we carry towards the person who has passed on. It is the 'I quarreled with him this morning!'; 'I still have so much to say to him/her!'; 'I did not do good enough!' and etc that make us repeatedly beat ourselves up for the death of another. But if we had given our best to the one who had passed on, where can guilt exist? Surely, we must grieve over the loss. The question is, what loss? Yes, we miss that person because we can no longer see or touch or hear that person anymore as we had earlier taken granted for. But really, if we had taken for granted their existence already, what made us think that we would not revert to the same old patterns when they'd recover from any misfortunes encountered? So, really - is that person gone? really really gone?

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The 'missing another' is the guilt we possessed and the attachment that we have. Can we love without attachment? It's possible, but difficult. If you love unconditionally with detachment, there would be no space for guilt to surface. There is no sadness, anger or hatred but only love, appreciation and respect. If you knew that the departed was really just going 'Home', would you still moan or would you then celebrate his 'return'?

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My experience during my time with the family was that I was an instrument to bring certain understanding to the family. It was strange, because I consciously knew that I was not there for the departed (what could I do right?), but more for the living ones. For they are the ones who must get over the 'death', they are the ones who must move on and continue to live their lives and they are the ones who must, in somehow or another, understand that this 'death' is not about blaming, not about guilt, not about whys.

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AAGabriel & AAAzrael, I asked that Yu Vern's journey Home be smooth. Please make him feel comfortable and loved when he is Home. AAHaniel & AARaphael, I asked that his family - Uncle Addy, Aunty Josie, Sue Ann & Yu Jeen be blessed in God's grace and embrace for their own journey of recovery. May love, light and support be onto them each time they think of Yu Vern.

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Thank you.

Unworthiness

Again, scenarios/set ups for the sense of 'unworthiness' has arisen for healing to begin. Perhaps, also my hardest journey because it includes resonance with my relationship with my dad, my brothers and me as a leader. Too much, too overwhelming.

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I took the step to 'resign' from my post as a team lead for writers for this website that has yet to be launched. Initially, I was excited. Perhaps it was that calling to be recognised, to be acknowledged that the opportunity was presented to me. And yet, after acceptance of the post, I noticed subtle pressure, resentment and judgements upon myself and also others. Amazing! All defilements. A defilement need not be expresed outwardly. A judgmental thought itself is already a defilement which calls for inner reflection.

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I question myself again and again - what is it that I am lacking to go forward? How is it so that I have no will to do anything, except to reflect inwards; at the same time accepting that as my journey. You see, I am blessed. Blessed that at such a 'young' age, I could stay home to spend time with hubby and Thea as I wish, blessed that I could buy and demand anything that I wanted as long as my clever little mind could find reasons to justify the 'purchase', blessed that I could anything that I wanted whenever I wanted - and still receive blessings for it. But yet, there is always this discomfort I feel within myself. A wanting to 'do' something; and then also a wanting to 'not do' anything - because there is really simply nothing that I could do that would make a difference. See? Another sign of 'unworthiness'. I guess, I am just not important at all.

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Look for a job? Trust me, gone through that and done that. It's always nice to have a salary as appreciation for one's service. But there is something more that I am looking for - a sense of fulfillment, a sense of purpose. It was the easiest to work for dad - because work was not difficult (the most difficult was having to sit in a meeting with him and hear him talk for HOURS!) and the sense of purpose was to help him. But then that is not to his definition. I know he wants me to be better than just an Admin or Finance manager but yet I find no courage or calling within to commit to anything more than that. It's not hard for me to speak the 'YOU' language, but it is hard for me to sacrifice my time with hubby and Thea to do that.

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And then I am labeled - selfish, ungrateful, naive and arrogant - by no one else but my own family. It's painful, that my bio-family is the one who cannot accept me for who I truly am. But it is just a lesson for me to learn I am sure. It is not that they don't love me, or don't accept me. It is just that I, myself can't even accept myself - so how could they do so? Perhaps they see something in me that I don't see within myself - a greater sense of my being, than just me?

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When you are on your own spiritual journey, you start to realise that anything or anyone that triggers you are your gifts. They are the ones who repeatedly remind you what else you need to work within. It first starts with people who are not so close to you - still have not learnt your lesson? Fine, then comes people that you are close to - gosh, still don't get it? Then, people whom you love and thought would never hurt you come in to play that role - do you now get it? Like it or not, I think most of us learn our lessons the hard way.

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I now observe a sequence of events happening right before me. Painful, and of course, that only means that I'll have to work on it some more. Now I believe that the lessons never stopped. If you don't see it, you are just ignorant to it.

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I don't know what to do. Feels like I am now in darkness - beaten and weak. But you know, as I sit myself in this darkness - believing that I am the only one who can pull myself out of it, angels such as Tuck Loon & Angeline surfaces. It's like, they find their way around my darkness, poke a hole through it and shouts, "hey, there is a way out here!". I realise then, I must somehow be worthy; at least worthy of their time, worthy of their presence in my life. And to empower me, they do not dig the tunnel through the darkness in order for me to see the light, they stay where they are - cheering me as I will, move my way out of darkness - so that we could all celebrate my freedom together in light.

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I give thanks to the 'actors' and 'actresses' who'd so willingly taken up the 'roles' to make the scene possible for my 'unworthiness' to surface. And I thank you, Tuck Loon and Angeline, for giving me support in my journey of self discovery, and self empowerment.

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Love.

An Impromptu Outing

The plan was to have dinner with the girls in Subang. Then in the morning, my dear guardian angel reminded me that it was her birthday and that she requested if she could have dinner with her friends. I agreed with no hesitation because I did promise her that she could have dinner with her friends somewhere nearby some time ago. So there it was, a promise kept and another broken.

Since hubby was also home, he suggested at 6pm if we should have dinner in 1U. I was elated!! It has been a long time since we have been there and it used to be my favourite hang out place before we moved to KK! So we got changed and after dropping the guardian angel at McD's, we headed towards 1U EXCITEDLY!

We wanted to try something new, instead of eating the same old things at the same old restaurants. So we walked into this Pasta Zonmai. Japanese Pasta. Not bad!

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I had a soft shell crab handroll wrapped in Tortilla instead of seaweed. Delicious! Hubby had some pasta with clams and Thea had (believe it or not!) rice with curry chicken!! She only finished halfway. I think she likes it, but then wasn't really overwhelmed by it either.

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This is a moment of hubby carrying Thea up and kissing her.. haha

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After dinner, we walked around 1U. As usual, I went to Locitanne. After all a shopping quickie, we went to get ice-cream. Hubby wasn't too keen on us having ice-cream in the car so we sat on the bench opposite Gelato Fruity (where we bought our ice-cream) to finish off our ice-cream. All the shops were closing and this was indeed the first time witnessing the shops closing one by one!

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This is the ice cream parlour. Only 4 flavours left for us to choose.

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This is Thea, leaving chocolate ice-cream traces on her lips... sighs...

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What a wonderful evening spent with hubby and Thea!! The best part was that it was not even planned! It's nice having home cooked meals at home (twice a day, I must add!) but sometimes some spontaneous outing like that is equally fun! I remember that we hardly did the 'impromptu' thing eversince we had Thea because we were always so worried about her food, if she'd be comfy and all.. but now that she is growing up, it is much easier to move around spontaneously! I am sure she had fun too! More to come, Love-Love, just you wait and see how fun you mommi & daddi can be! *winks*

Pleasant Miracles

Today I received an email from a stranger who immediately became a friend. Her willingness to share her experiences with me on her sessions with Hari touched my heart immensely. I felt very much overwhelmed with love & gratitude.

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In fact, this is the second email that I've received with regards to Hari's sessions. The first one enquired the hows & whats of Hari's sessions. I hope I had provided sufficient support for her first session of healing.

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What dawned onto me were moments of joy, love & gratitude. It was as if I'd served my purpose. I was moved to tears in my own space. I don't know what I had done to deserve or to attract such emails (although there are only 2 of them to my personal emails and several comments on the blog) but I am thankful for my courage to pen down my expressions of love and gratitude, and Navitha's intention to spread the word.

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I don't know what has happened, and I don't really want to define it because it is in truth, unexplainable to the heart. If any explanation were to be done, it would be too limiting for the mind to comprehend.

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A few days ago, I had a conversations with J. It went like this: -

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My hearted called out, "Let me do Your work." i.e. God's work.

I heard His voice, "You are already doing God's work."

Followed by, "only sometimes the EGO gets in the way."

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Did J really say that? I don't know. But it seemed that the 2nd sentence of "only sometimes the EGO gets in the way" did not really come from Him. It sounded more like the mind mimicking His voice.

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The whole night, I felt His presence, His Love; and then I understood that He has always resided in my heart.

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I don't know what I've done. I don't know if I have a purpose. But I know that as I consciously live my life, every 'do' or 'say' frees me further from the bondage within. And as I free myself, it seems that I have 'freed' others too. I have been taught, it is called 'Collective Consciousness'. Then let me serve as an Instrument of Love & Peace as quoted by St. Francis of Assisi, to do God's work. And when I speak of God; I am speaking of the God within.

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Miracles do happen; whether big or small. Every moment of life is already a miracle unfolding itself. Experience it, my dear friends. You will find fruits to your 'labour' of doing & undoing.

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Namaste.

Guilt

It's amazing how Guilt can ruin a person's day. All derived from a 'want' or 'don't want', indecisiveness, options and mainly stories created in the mind.

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All of us feel guilt towards people and situations. Sometimes we face it by admitting our vulnerability; but mostly, we blame it on others whenever we are unable to face the guilt within; or at times, we seek approval from others just to justify that there is no need to feel guilty. The truth is, if the guilt is there, it is already there - and nobody can 'remove' the guilt within, or 'shift' that feeling until you come to terms with it and find out its source.

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Tuck Loon always quote what Jesus said, "the idea has never lost its source" and "you are never really upset for the reason you think it is". Perhaps he quoted more, but these are the 2 that are running in my mind now.

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So why do the mind create stories for the feeling of guilt to arise? I don't know. I asked him today, "when will we ever be fully awaken?" and he replied, "forget it. Go back to sleep."

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Strangely, the mind did not see that as a relief. Could it be that the mind has been working so hard at being awaken, and now to be asked to go back to sleep would then mean going back to old patterns of who's out there? I don't know.

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I have been faced with a situation. My heart tells me something; the mind tells me another. Clearly, it is time to make a conscious decision. Which scene would I joyfully partipate in? Here or there? Am I willing to give up an opportunity for where moments of joy, love and happiness already exist; or do I give myself an opportunity to be accepted and loved in another for it to exist? Choices. Choices. Both will be filled with guilt. "Why must there be guilt?" you might ask. You are not me, you wouldn't know; likewise, I am not you, I can't be like you.

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Perhaps, deep within, I am still yearning for that chance to belong; which is illusional. And perhaps, deep within, I am afraid of that opportunity because I don't want to be where I won't be reminded of who I truly am. Where I already know where love exists, there's acceptance and no pretence. No need to be careful of what I say or do. Yet, do we always shy away from situations which can serve as opportunities? But then again, it is not my day. Only that I do wish to be there to give my blessings.

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Next question, do I really need to be present in the ceremony to give my blessings? Do they not already have my blessings? Again, who needs my blessings? Oohh.. that unworthiness thought!

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So where am I? Back at the source which is already an effect of something deeper. It sucks. Because now I have to dive into that unworthiness to find out another cause to that effect; which may very well be another effect of another cause.

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Thank you, Guilt. I see you and I will work on it. Thank you.

My Ice Cream Treat

Headed to Swensens. Delicious...

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On the way there, I stole some shots of Thea.

Full potential to be a pilot like her dada! And she'd definitely make a huchi one too! :D

Mommi & Thea

Thea's ice-cream

Hubby & I shared this ice-cream.

This was the first time I was trying out a different sort of ice-cream, i.e. ICE-cream on a HOT plate. Amazing how creative these people were. A thought arise. I always stuck to my old fashion 1 or 2 scopes of ice-cream of various flavours and this time I took the chance to try something different. I enjoyed it. I would have missed out the pleasure of enjoying this ice-cream had I decided to continue to be conservative in my choices.

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Moral of the story: Don't be afraid to try out new things, because no one other than you would be missing out on something that you might actually enjoy.

Creamy Fish & Mushroom Pie

I was feeling really moody today. Don't know why. I think I must have got up from the wrong side of the bed. Haha! Just really really moody... don't feel like talking, don't feel like going out, don't feel like doing anything.. you get the meaning right?

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So came 5 o'clock. I can't escape it. Last week, I'd outrightly announced to hubby & the guardian angel that I will be cooking dinner on Wednesday night (tonight) - Fish Pie. Recipe is from Classic Fish Cooking by Linda Doeser. So I gotta do it, if not; we'd have no home cooked dinner.

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I dragged myself to the fridges to get the ingredients that I've prepared since Saturday. Everything there. Perfect... only that... gosh, the doubts of actually doing this... A PIE!!! Damn challenging. Nevertheless, I stuck to my word. And the guardian angel, being an angel; stood by me 'just in case' I needed assistance or her support. Truly a gem. She helped to sift the flour, peel, wash, cut and boil the potatoes ;p

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What I taught would be a quick fix (seriously, how long can you take to bake a pie right?) ended up to a total preparation + baking till finalisation of 2 hrs++. Maybe it is because I am new, I don't know.. but I kept referring to the recipe again and again, just to make sure that I got it right. I was even doing hand movements of pouring the milk to this, stirring, mixing this and that in thin air while the angel just stood beside me and smiled. Yeah, I know.. it must have been a funny sight.

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So, the result was this: -

Creamy Fish & Mushroom Pie

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The angel and I actually thought that Thea would not eat it. But she did.. she loved the mushrooms! And hubby had 3 servings! To be honest, I was actually doubting if it was actually THAT delicious. Yup, it was :), except that perhaps it was a little too creamy for me. Well, I guess they don't call it CREAMY fish & mushroom pie for nothing!

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And guess what, I will be rewarded. Hubby will be taking Thea & I to SS2 for ice-cream later tonight. Yummy... Can't wait!

Shit Happens

Since Tuesday, I have been feeling pain in my chest area. Mainly on the right side of my chest. Sometimes I am quite sure that I picked it up and sometimes I am quite sure that it is my own. But since I am feeling the pain, it is already in my space hence my responsibility to resolve it.

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I tried all ways... self reflecting and many a times tempted to just point my finger out onto a scapegoat, but then that would just be too easy.. too easy for me to 'relief' the pain temporarily and then harder for me to clean the shit of what my mind is projecting out.

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I surrendered this afternoon this pain to the Holy Spirit and told my Higher Self to take care of it. After that, I just felt peace. Later in the evening, it was revealed to me where the pain came from. It was from all over the place and it was somehow not mine. I was just experiencing oneness with others; which Hari had explained to me about. I don't know how to go about it helping others or myself; so I just merely did the Forgiveness process and surrendered it back to the Holy Spirit again - aspiring that whose ever painbody it was - God, you deal with it.

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Yes, it happens. And a conversation with Tuck Loon this morning confirmed that there is something that is happening around us which brings up the fear and painbody in most people for an opportunity to heal, to be awakened; or to go down deeper into the rabbit hole.

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So yeah.. shit happens; and for good reasons. You'd always have choices of how you want to deal with it -self reflect and face it head on; surrender it to God; or continue the blaming game.

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Blessed be.

My Mother's Day Flowers

Got this at about approximately 4ish today after mahjong with the girls. From hubby... *love-love*

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Just in case you were wondering why the lilies are closed. I requested for them to be closed the last time I received a bouquet of lilies so that I could watch them grow myself. Told Jess the last time (which was months ago) that I really don't mind that they came in buds as long as they lasted longer in my care. Lovely Jess bundled the flowers so efficiently this time that all I had to do was untie the ribbon, remove the pink wrapper, pull out the plastic and cotton beneath and put them straight in a vase with water.

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Please see below...

I know. The buds are still closed. And just so you know, they are surrounded by Barbados (don't know if I got the spelling right) and carnations.

I expect the lilies will bloom beautifully in the next few days. The best part is, I will be able to watch them myself. :D

Thank you Jess for personalising this bouquet for me - according to my hubby's wishes as a sender and my requirements as a recipient. Well Done! ;D

And thank you, hubby... for remembering me on Mother's Day... :)

For those who are looking for flowers to grace an occasion or just to brighten someone's day, widen your options by visiting http://www.dreamingdaisies.com/ or call 03-5633 3393 to look for Jess! She's one hell of a creative florist as long as you tell her what exactly you want!

Oh yes, will officially update about Mother's Day when Mother's Day is officially over.

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HAPPY WESAK & MOMMIES' DAY!!!

HAVE A BLESSED WEEKEND FILLED WITH LIGHT & LOVE...

The Return of the Old Camera

After a seemingly pleasant dinner with dad and my bros and their other halves, we took a slow stroll back home. Hubby had to remove certain stuffs from Lex (Lexus) to JayD (Alfa) because he was going to take JayD to work tomorrow. Don't know why, he suddenly opened the dashboard, and guess what - he found my faithful camera, the Canon IXUS 85 IS!

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Yes, I know. A shock. After all the trouble of camera researching and shopping and gratifying, there it was - the old camera. My first thought was, "shit.. what am I going to do now? do I tell dad, or do I not?" The dilemma lasted for a while. I called him; and he gave me a mouthful - as if regretting from his end why he even thought of 'compensating' me a camera when he was not responsible for the loss of my camera; or rather, it was not even established if it was his doing. He was really pissed; outwardly, he was pissed because it seemed like he thought that I was blaming him or had taken advantage of him (AGAIN!); inwardly, it felt like he was pissed with himself for allowing me to make him responsible for something that had nothing to do with him. Whatever it is, I felt bad. His mouthful was not just a mouthful. It was like... 10 or even 1000 mouthfuls, linking to the past of how I never stood up for him, protected him - about how I helped my mom leave him and blah blah blah. I was quite mindful of my feelings though - discomfort when he said those words but made no defence because it was really my carelessness that had made him lose RM2K++ because he bought the idea that he was the one who caused the lost of my camera! That silly, and yet generous and loving man who can also be so calculative when he is unconcsious.. hahaha.. ;p

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Well, anyway, he slammed down my phone - something that I am quite used to already. I merely text him thereafter, with sincerity in my heart, "Daddy, I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you..."

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Lesson learned from this chain of incident: -Never allow anyone to take responsibility for your loss although it seemed as if they are the ones responsible for it; because the truth you thought you know may not really be the truth. Further to that, even if they had taken responsibility for your loss but not from the space of love, it backfires.

Gratitude arising from the ownership of G10

Yup. Am still at it.. the G10.. haha..

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I felt inspired this morning to put in an entry about Gratitude from owning this G10. I've been clicking away and the pictures are beautiful although I'd still have much to work on my skills. But here's to you - those that had been with me through the journey of my ownership of the G10. Without your contribution, it wouldn't have been possible.

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Gladys & An - thank you for doing research on cameras to help me find a suitable one for my needs. thank you also sharing the excitement of my ownership of the G10.

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Gladys - thank you giving me the 'umph' to buy the G10.

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Tuck Loon - thank you for showing me your G10, which inevitable led to my ownership of one.

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Aunty Mandy - thank you for checking out the prices of the other cameras for me and asking me to consider the SLR. (I did seriously think about it!!)

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Hubby - thank you for accompanying me to Fotokem to help me pick out the G10.

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Allen - thank you for instilling the idea that G10 is a good one to consider, sharing on the zooms and later on, the notice on G10 that needs to be sent back to Canon for service. Mine is safe.

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Jon - thank you for your message on FB from dad to ask me to go get the camera myself.

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Thea - thank you for being my model. *winks*

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And most importantly,

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Dad - thank you for your love, generousity & understanding that made this ownership of G10 possible. For those of you who doesn't know yet, he has paid the full amount of the camera as a birthday gift for me.

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I am truly touched and feel my heart swaming with gratitude as I type away this entry. I only hope that I had not left anyone out. It's the journey of owning the G10, that makes owning the G10 so meaningful.

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Love.

My new Canon G10

Picture is Complimentary from Gladys

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Do I need to say more...?