Unworthiness

Again, scenarios/set ups for the sense of 'unworthiness' has arisen for healing to begin. Perhaps, also my hardest journey because it includes resonance with my relationship with my dad, my brothers and me as a leader. Too much, too overwhelming.

...

I took the step to 'resign' from my post as a team lead for writers for this website that has yet to be launched. Initially, I was excited. Perhaps it was that calling to be recognised, to be acknowledged that the opportunity was presented to me. And yet, after acceptance of the post, I noticed subtle pressure, resentment and judgements upon myself and also others. Amazing! All defilements. A defilement need not be expresed outwardly. A judgmental thought itself is already a defilement which calls for inner reflection.

...

I question myself again and again - what is it that I am lacking to go forward? How is it so that I have no will to do anything, except to reflect inwards; at the same time accepting that as my journey. You see, I am blessed. Blessed that at such a 'young' age, I could stay home to spend time with hubby and Thea as I wish, blessed that I could buy and demand anything that I wanted as long as my clever little mind could find reasons to justify the 'purchase', blessed that I could anything that I wanted whenever I wanted - and still receive blessings for it. But yet, there is always this discomfort I feel within myself. A wanting to 'do' something; and then also a wanting to 'not do' anything - because there is really simply nothing that I could do that would make a difference. See? Another sign of 'unworthiness'. I guess, I am just not important at all.

...

Look for a job? Trust me, gone through that and done that. It's always nice to have a salary as appreciation for one's service. But there is something more that I am looking for - a sense of fulfillment, a sense of purpose. It was the easiest to work for dad - because work was not difficult (the most difficult was having to sit in a meeting with him and hear him talk for HOURS!) and the sense of purpose was to help him. But then that is not to his definition. I know he wants me to be better than just an Admin or Finance manager but yet I find no courage or calling within to commit to anything more than that. It's not hard for me to speak the 'YOU' language, but it is hard for me to sacrifice my time with hubby and Thea to do that.

...

And then I am labeled - selfish, ungrateful, naive and arrogant - by no one else but my own family. It's painful, that my bio-family is the one who cannot accept me for who I truly am. But it is just a lesson for me to learn I am sure. It is not that they don't love me, or don't accept me. It is just that I, myself can't even accept myself - so how could they do so? Perhaps they see something in me that I don't see within myself - a greater sense of my being, than just me?

...

When you are on your own spiritual journey, you start to realise that anything or anyone that triggers you are your gifts. They are the ones who repeatedly remind you what else you need to work within. It first starts with people who are not so close to you - still have not learnt your lesson? Fine, then comes people that you are close to - gosh, still don't get it? Then, people whom you love and thought would never hurt you come in to play that role - do you now get it? Like it or not, I think most of us learn our lessons the hard way.

...

I now observe a sequence of events happening right before me. Painful, and of course, that only means that I'll have to work on it some more. Now I believe that the lessons never stopped. If you don't see it, you are just ignorant to it.

...

I don't know what to do. Feels like I am now in darkness - beaten and weak. But you know, as I sit myself in this darkness - believing that I am the only one who can pull myself out of it, angels such as Tuck Loon & Angeline surfaces. It's like, they find their way around my darkness, poke a hole through it and shouts, "hey, there is a way out here!". I realise then, I must somehow be worthy; at least worthy of their time, worthy of their presence in my life. And to empower me, they do not dig the tunnel through the darkness in order for me to see the light, they stay where they are - cheering me as I will, move my way out of darkness - so that we could all celebrate my freedom together in light.

...

I give thanks to the 'actors' and 'actresses' who'd so willingly taken up the 'roles' to make the scene possible for my 'unworthiness' to surface. And I thank you, Tuck Loon and Angeline, for giving me support in my journey of self discovery, and self empowerment.

...

Love.