Smoking

I don't think I've not told anyone that I want to quit smoking. I've been trying to do that since I was 21 and I am now 31, turning 32 later in the year. (Aikes, did I just disclose how young I am? ;p) Gladys is right when she said that to quit smoking is the one thing that I've failed miserably every year. Really. Sometimes I tell myself, ahhhh... heck it, I will just smoke because I enjoy it and want to. But honestly; as I ask myself many many times; do I really enjoy smoking?

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Let me tell you what I don't like about smoking: -

1. The smell of my breath after a cigarette
2. The smell that stays in my hair after I smoke or when within the vicinity of people who smokes
3. The occasional heaviness I feel when I smoke
4. The smell of wet ashes from the cigarettes on ashtrays or wet cigarette buds
5. The smell that stays in a confined or somewhat confined area (eventhough classified as outdoors) of cigarette smoke
6. Actually, just the smell of lighted cigarettes
7. How my heart beats like crazy just before I retire at night
8. The heavy feeling in my chest when I wake up in the morning
9. The non-alert feeling I get when I wake up in the morning
10. What it will eventually do to my health
11. The heat in my eyes & body when I smoke too much
12. When Thea sees smoke coming out from my mouth and she says, "mommi, you blow fire?" (yeah, I know it sounds funny but honestly it is not THAT funny)

So far, these are all I can think of. Not sure if there's more... but even if there is, does it really matter?

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Now, let me tell you what I enjoy about smoking: -

1. The social effects
2. It accompanies me when I am bored and alone (I realised that I smoke more when I have nothing to do or when there is no one around me)
3. Its replacement for food (I feel like munching when I am actually full)
4. The idea that it does have some sort of relaxing effect on me (as true as it sounds, it's just an idea.. I can't verify if it's entirely true)

Hmm... and that is all that I could think of. Imagine.. my feelings of dislikes overpowers my feelings of likes for a smoke, and yet there I go; puffing away like a bloody chimney! How odd!

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You ask me, "So, now you see it, can you quit?" I'd tell you, I'd still love to. Some days I am good.. I can just go by with 2 cigarettes a day. And then the next few days, I'd be puffing away a whole pack. Don't ask me why, I myself don't know. Although I can be mindful about my intentions, but somehow there is a part of me that is not allowing me to see it.. why I need to smoke so that I could put a stop to it in hope that when I've found the reason(s), it'd release that unconscious guilt in me that is governing my need to smoke.

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Yeah, it's nonsense. If I want to quit, then I will and can do it. If I don't want to do it, I'd have 1001 excuses. Typical huh?

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I read a brochure that day about quitting smoking. It says that to quit smoking is like a battle, where victory can also be witnesses through perseverance. It also confirms that results of cold turkey usually ends up with 90% failure. It's really like training for a marathon until you reach your goal.

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I don't want to give myself a target to when that will happen. But I do want to give myself a pat on the shoulders for the times that I've chosen not to indulge when I was aware of my intention or urge to do it. Hubby told me this, "Honey, you are much stronger than this. Do it only because you want it, not because you need it."

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Well said, huh? :)