Meaninglessness of Words

When we were little, we learned ABC. Once we were familiar with the entire range of alphabets, we were taught to form words with them, and then to put meanings into them.

The other day, Microsoft Word had red lines underneath some words which my teacher had typed on some articles. I was sure I had heard or read those words before, but somehow Word did not accept them as words, giving me the impression that they were either spelt wrongly, or no such words exist. Not satisfied, I checked the Oxford dictionary and some Word Power dictionary that I've purchased from Reader's Digest. Still, no word to be found. I decided to google them, and most words (which I had googled) did have their definitions though they were not the source of words; and beside them, in italics or in brackets explained to me why these words were not in the dictionaries or accepted by Word. They were less commonly used.

My darling Angel (ahem, as in Angeline) is a very cute girl. Many a times, when our teacher tells us a word, or when I tell her a word, or someone else tells her a word, she would say that it is not it. When I ask her to explain to me her experience of what she deemed to be different, I'd soon find out that she meant the same as what our teacher said, what I said or what someone else had said. And then she'd say, "eh, but I thought that was YYY (as in the word she used differently)!!!" And we'd both realise that we had the same meaning or experiences but had worded them differently. Similarly, hers and my meaning of the word 'Innocence'; albeit the same word; is different.

Who is to say that what she perceived of the meaning of a word is not the word that is not right? And who is to say that what we perceived of the meaning of a word, so commonly used, is right? In truth, there is no right and wrong because words are meaningless. They are merely alphabets put together, and being conjured a meaning as a mean to communicate with the public. 

So easily we judge ourselves or others when we see things differently from the norm of the society. It's either we are wrong, or they are wrong ~ so we either beat ourselves up, or we have mental wars with others. It's a never-ending story.

Of course, it serves a purpose to communicate in the same 'lingo' per se. But really, even if we are really speaking the same language, using words which are commonly understood by the norm, can we be sure that I am really understanding you, or that you are really understanding me? I can never be sure and will never know. Can you?

Distorted Reality

When someone gives you, it is your entitlement; when you give someone, it is their entitlement. Simple as that. It is when anyone starts putting meaning into an action, the storyline begins.

This morning, I received a text from a friend saying that he will be in Pyramid on Tuesday. Because it is Tuesday today, I wasn't sure if he was referring to today or whichever Tuesday. So I replied seeking clarification. He replied, "Today". I replied again, citing that I'd be at Gardens and then received no more text from him, until I have arrived at Gardens. He said that he could detour to collect some documents from me if I had taken them out with me. I didn't bring out any documents with me.

Without a thought, I told him that I was already in Garden, and added, "you replied so late..." Very soon, his reply came back concluding, "ya.. ya.. everything is my fault." I was surprised, as I did not see it that way. When I queried him further if he felt guilty, he answered saying no, but was given the perception that it was so. I quietly laughed at myself. I must have sent out that energy.

In truth, nothing has happened. So he replied late in my experience and that was a fact to my experience. However, I failed to see from his point of view that, that was the best he could do at that moment because he was caught up with something else and could not reply to me earlier. And, that's really ok. That was reality, because it happened that way.

But how the conclusions came about were resulting from the ideas that were running in both our minds. "I should have called earlier."; "I shouldn't have said that.". Thus, the beginning of the externalised storyline. What is the difference? It has happened and could not happen any other way - as in, us being unable to meet. That was reality, and we both unconsciously distorted reality by concluding that it was his being late that had resulted in another delay.

And earlier, my aunt called me to share with me her experience of a credit card overcharged, resulting in my uncle having to pay heaps more than expected from her 'carelessness' of not checking details prior to signing a form. This resulted in a lot of guilt arising within her. Having said that however, everything has been resolved todate.

It was obvious to me, the ideas that were running in her head. And she asked me, "Should I go back to work?" I laughed. This cycle is so ancient and it happens to all of us, and yet we cannot see what is it that makes her say that. "I am bored" we say, or "I want to make my own money". It is all an illusion. An illusion that keeps us here, recycling what is ancient within us, blocking us from seeing what is really being called to see.

"What is the Truth?" she asked me. Oooh the ego so wants to know... "it depends where you are," I told her. The Spirit already knows. The Spirit always knew. Only when we continuously run around, not listening; camouflaging what's within; we see what's we have always seen before, never realising that there is always something more.

My teacher told me the other day, my past wisdom is my present ignorance. To be honest, I was very much triggered by it. I had just acknowledged my progress!! And yet, there was wisdom in what he said ~ there is no conclusion to wisdom. To see things as before, is not seeing it at all.

Namaste.

It's back to the Self

It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.

~ Buddha ~

thus, the beginning journey back to the Self...

The Chattering

Although on the surface, everything seems fine, the inner world is what we truly experience as real. So constantly and unconsciously that at every moment in time, whenever we see a 'body' out there, we are either seeking approval or something else from another. It could be a simple sms, which did not require an acknowledgment, and yet the mind wanders off, wandering... "eh, how come he/she never reply one?"

Is there a need to reply an sms when all that one sends in a text are merely expressions? As what BiBoo said in the comment of my previous entry, we look like we are talking to each other, but in truth, we are just talking to ourselves - verbalizing our internal talk. It is like those people you see in asylums, or in the midst of getting caught up in work. They start talking to themselves and we label them as 'mad' or 'crazy'.

The truth is that we are all mad. But on another level, that too, is an illusion when we are finally aware of our immersion with the automated programmes running in the mind. There are two inner worlds that are struggling within ~ one that sees the truth and the other that lives the lie.

Yesterday I went through some saved chats I had with some friends. As I read through consciously, I realised how easily we misinterpret or misunderstand each other. I'm sure you know how it is, words flying across the chat rooms without stopping.. sometimes it is confusing until someone decides to stop a while and wait for the other to finish talking. And yet, even if that person has or has not, we wouldn't know.. because that person does not say so unless we ask. So it is always in our guessing, and for that the possibility of interruptions and misunderstanding each other is so high.

Another thing I realised about myself was this. I like silence, but yet fear of it. That is why I talk a lot, even in chats. I just type on, not paying full attention to what is being presented to me because I am afraid of the silence which could potentially arise. And I cannot allow that silence to come up, especially when I deem there is a 'body' out there communicating with me, because that would trigger discomfort in me - all learning from a delusional idea, the wrong perception from the observations of past experiences. So you see how the mind is always chattering. At least in my case. Even when we see a quiet person, we perceive that the person is peaceful and has nothing much to say thus conclude he must have a peaceful mind. Check with him deeper, and he will reveal that it is not so... there are many, many chattering in the mind, only that he did not take the path to externalise it.

Sometimes it comes to the extent that there is really nothing to say because you will never get what I mean and I will never get what you mean. When I think I get what you mean, it is only because what I think you are saying is what I think resonating with what I think it is. In truth, I may never be sure if that is what you mean for words that come out from you are going into my ears and my mind, which are then interpreted by the old programming which still runs.

It's hard to shake this off. But it is only hard because we judge. Although self-awareness is important, what's more important - according to my experience and my teacher's repeated teachings - is our attitude towards it, and our choice to consciously choose again.

In truth, nothing has happened. It was all a dream. It was just our imagination. It was just an illusion, which we had unconsciously took it as real... opps... ;p

The Acknowledgement

The other day I was having a chat with one of my teachers over Skype. He commented how much I had grown in my journey and that I was resonating with his teachings. At that moment, although I was sure he was right, there was sheer shyness obviously stemming from the sense of unworthiness. The praise I would say did ‘make my day’ although constant thoughts of doubt filled my head too. My teacher, noticing my silence and, understanding the mind too well, reminded me to ignore the ego talks.

After that conversation, I felt a little elated and a little proud. I excitedly told hubby what my teacher had said and hubby too, acknowledged the same. At that moment, I wondered… how would he (hubby) know that I had grown? And then I realize the sense of doubt had surfaced again.

At this stage, self-inquiry has become a natural process for me. It was always a matter a time when this process sets in for the right understanding to surface. I questioned the mixed emotions; pretty sure that it was all of egoic nature, or rather unconscious projection at play.

And soon, I realized…

I did not dare to acknowledge my own growth - this failure to acknowledge myself had put me in an inferior position, seeking approval or acknowledgement from the outside. And once I get that from the outside, I became somewhat superior! However, that superiority did not last when plays of doubt set in. It just could not surpass that inferiority because that superiority was merely a swing from one end of the pendulum from the other end. Get what I mean?

And yet, I cannot deny that I have indeed grown. Even Angel commented that the contents of my blog entries are somewhat different from the past. Being true to myself, I realized that my understanding had heightened to the extent that I could edit my teacher’s work with a kind of clarity and surety. I clearly understands what he is writing - even having the courage to correct his sentences to put out what he means clearer. Previously when I was bestowed such tasks, I would just proofread per se. Just grammatical errors if you know what I mean, not having the guts to question, suggest or say anything at all simply because I wasn’t really sure if I understood what he was writing!! And I assure you, what my teacher writes is D-E-E-P! Now, I could put in words; suggest another way to present what he means and etc. That, to me, is real progress in my journey.

So having realized my own progress, and finally acknowledging myself for it, I came to peace with myself.

How did I know?

On Thursday, I went up to Ipoh with my teacher and a few friends. During our mum-mum time, my teacher mentioned once again to one of our friends that I was one of his fastest growing students from the centre. Another accompanying friend acknowledged that. I kept quiet and watched the mind. I did not feel anything. I did not feel elated, or shy, or even in doubt. It was strange, but I knew. I was impartial to that statement because I had already acknowledged myself for it. I did not need anyone out there to acknowledge me in that way anymore. In fact, I never needed any acknowledgement from anyone, except myself. Although having said that, I still appreciate your expression, teacher!! *winks*

It is easy to tell ourselves or other people that whatever that we have ever needed is within, and that in truth, we don’t really ‘need’ anything from anyone out there. But until the experience is true to me, then I could vouch for it. And now, I can vouch for it.

I used to be pretty upset when people misunderstand my blog entries too. When I write, I write from the space of truth – my experience of truth, that is – and my intentions are purely to share, or to remind myself; but somehow I would receive comments telling me not to think so much, not to be sad, angry or upset… and that life is simply too short! As if I belonged to some mental hospital!!

Oh, if you only knew the Truth! And really, I am just jotting down what I’ve learned and what I’ve experienced… not upset, or angry or sad, or depressed.

But that aside. That is not what I was getting at. What I am getting at is this; I am no longer effected by other people’s comments on my blog… I finally understand them, because I have understood myself. And, this understanding liberates me.