What is Wrong?

After my haircut, lots of people came up to me and asked me, 'Why did you cut your hair?', 'What made you cut your hair?', 'Did you go through something that made you cut your hair?'

It's amusing. Then I remembered that new hairdos are usually associated with a change or a new beginning after some drama had happened. They call it, Hair Therapy.

So, just to share why I had a hair do: -

1) colour of hair was wearing out, needed new colour.
2) curl serum ran out.
3) weather is hot.
4) takes a long time for hair to dry at night (I usually wash the mane at the night) and it disrupts my sleep.

Seriously, it is as simple as that.

New Bloggie Address

I've finally managed to transfer relevant entries of 'the Mind' category into a new blog - http://journalingtruth.com/; dedicated to myself and for those who resonate with my previous entries of the Mind. If you had like this category of entries, I would like to extend an invitation to you to drop by the new bloggie address instead.

Just decided to keep this space a little less serious. :)

Nothing serious.. just a haircut

Cut my locks today. Coloured it too. I think I look good. ;p

Bestie did the same thing today although in a different saloon. No cut 'cause she has no locks, but trimmed. Good enough. And coloured it too.. ;D

The Egoic Cycle

This is existence is as such, at least on this plane. We want the success, the joy, the happiness, the excitement hence we had inevitably 'agreed' to accept the failure, the pain, the sadness, the fear; in our experience. To understand this is to see through the veils of illusion. To see through this illusion, is to finally understand that they are merely different sides of the same coin. To see though the coin, is to come to peace with it. And that peace too, is an illusion at another level. For in peace, there exist too, a space of non-peace. When peace as an illusion is finally understood, then there is impartiality.

But this impartiality, also comes with its imitation versions. It is the 'none of my business' illusion. You see, the ego will never want you to have it easy. To the unwise, 'none of my business' is merely an unconscious attachment to peace; a wise 'none of my business' understanding is where whatever that arises; the ups and the downs; the recognition of impermanent nature. The recognition of impermanent nature, is understanding that the 'none of my business' illusion consists of no "I" or "you" or "him". There is nobody there. Just impermanent nature. As what Sayadow has mentioned, "it is all just a misunderstanding".

The whole consciousness is egoic on its own. The human realm thinks that they are in trouble, and then they call upon teachers and others realms for help. But who are their teachers and those from the other realms, but their own imagination, another form of egoic existence.

Not that there is no Truth. Not that there is no enlightenment. Not that there is no teacher or guide. But they are not meant to be put on a pedestal, nor an altar. When we unconsciously idolize them, we are then again separated once more. Only we don't remember, what we are here for. As shared in Matrix 2 - you have already made your choice, you just need to understand why you made it.

I need my husband, my husband needs me; I need my children, my children needs me; I need my job, my company needs me - all egoic; albeit in its own sense. Albeit in its own sense; all the same trap. In truth, no one needs us, and we don't need anyone. We only think we do and they only think they do. We like to think we are heros, we are important; we like to think that we have heroes too, that we have people important in our lives. So we are forever like little children. No wonder we will always have a 'father' and a 'mother' and later on be a 'father' or a 'mother'. No matter how much we try to deny it, it is in all of us. Even if a person is not our biological parent, or our biological child, there comes a point in time where we play that role anyway.

So are we important at all, we ask ourselves? Surely there must be something I can do. Yes, yes, we are all important! But surely you must know that it is not in the meaning that you have thought it to be. But what else is there? We hear ourselves ask. Seek and ye shall find, but be forewarned because there will be no turning back.

Do I know? I do not know. The ego would like to arrogantly say 'I DO!' and also unworthily say 'I don't..." So do I know or do I not know? The Spirit already knows, so what is there for the ego to know? Why must the ego know but to satisfy its needs? And what needs are those, but to strengthen the meaning of "I".

Could it then be possible that there is just knowing.. with no "I" in it? I don't know..

Ah, but you see.. there is still an "I" in it... Soon I will realise that I can never get rid of "I". But the "I" can be transformed or rather, transcended as what my teacher say. As long as we are no longer succumb to the automated mode, we are already making progress and deserve a pat on the back. Oh dear, so it looks like you are here to stay...

So who is this "I" which I think "I" am? Actually, just programmes in the mind which I had mistakenly thought it was - I.

Not to know I know is Peace

If I truly know what I think I know, then there must be peace.

So if there is no peace, then I must not truly know what I think I truly know.

For what I truly know will only result in peace.

And for that, I must know now that what I think I know is not what I truly know.

But if I were to truly know, how will I know unless I think I know?

Could it be that by the time I think I know I had already truly known but now no longer know?

Then what is it that I think I know or that I truly know?

Such ridiculous irony! It's best just not to know!

Yes, that's right - not to know that I truly know, so there will be no barriers for growth.

To conclude that I think I know, I block my own way path.

To conclude that I truly know, I limit my own expansion. 

So what is the importance in this knowing or not,

Nothing really except my own meaning to it.

Soon we find that information of freedom can too bind us,

But all depending on one's choice of attitude; either one of grace or one of grip.

What is knowing? But only a bundle of thoughts.

So knowing is not as important per se,

But the peace that allows me, that what which is meant to stay.

Because in that peace, all that is needed is unconditionally fulfilled.

Namaste.

Stories, am I?

Who I think I am, therefore I am; but who I truly am, is not who I think I am. - so, who am I?

How do you tell someone that whatever they go through in life, whatever stories they tell, are just simply, a story? How do you tell someone that what I go through in my life, even if I were to share my experiences of what I go through, are just stories? How do you tell someone, that the stories that we each tell, are all unreal, but a story?

We indulge ourselves in stories. Really. Who don't like stories? We line up to watch movies, read novels - all for a story. And then we meet a friend or a relative for cuppa or dinner, and then what do we tell each other but our stories?

And stories come from roles we take on, or from observation of the roles that others take on. But all in all, they are nothing, but stories.

As if we do not take on enough roles in this life time. When we are revealed or told that we are so-and-so in our past lives, we get so excited, become attached to it in a way (albeit a past) and talk about it all the time. As if, the story in this lifetime is not enough. We need more stories of the past to reinstate who "I" am - I was a warrior; I was a king; I was a queen; I was his wife; I was his concubine ~ really, does it matter? Even today, I am a tycoon; I am a mother; I am a wife; I am a CEO; I am a maid ~ does it really matter?

If it does, surely it must give us peace. If it really does, surely it must liberate us, and we must be contented. But are we truly at peace? Do we really feel liberated? Do we notice that somehow somewhat, there is always something missing? And for that, we are always unconsciously striving for something?

When I was talking to a loved one today, whom I am normally quite fearful of, I listened. I listened to his stories, his reasoning, his blaming. I see his guilt, his need for acknowledgment and his call for love. Perhaps I am not normal, I don't know, but after having understanding and dealt with my own inner demons, I finally saw him, for him. I did not see him as someone who was victimizing me anymore, nor pointing fingers at me or anyone. I saw him as someone who was calling out for love - to be understood and acknowledged.

And again, how do you tell someone that? That beneath all those stories that he has shared are his own ancient pain, guilt and shame that only he himself can elevated himself from? I emailed my teacher this morning, telling him brutally how I felt no compassion for people who don't own up for their own pain. Yet tonight, as I witnessed this loved one, compassion automatically set in as I realised that I too, had been unconscious before, speaking of which I still have a tendency to fall into the unconscious mode from time and time. The only difference between him and I today is that now I've understood and choose to remember it as often as I can - to be mindful, that is and to take responsibility for my own shit.

Suddenly stories are not that important anymore. I remember friends used to gather round just to talk about other people or our own stories. I am not saying that we shouldn't talk to each other or share with each other, but have we considered the intention and essence of sharing? Are we calling out for love? or are we reinforcing our illusionary meaningful roles in this existence? Are we meaning to feel better about ourselves after gossiping about or blaming others? Is it possible, that our lives are in fact meaningless, that we have to "do" something to make it meaningful; to satisfy a need we are not conscious of? And why the need to make it meaningful, except to strengthen the meaning of "I"? I could go on with this "I" thing.. but it's just too much bullshit.

It pains me to witness even when compassion arises. But that is only happening because I forget that there is someone out there, a 'body' out there so to speak, hence the separation. And when Wisdom fails to set in, I buy into that 'story' and fall into a depression. How egoistic. But if I could forgive myself for my projection of unconscious guilt, then no one is suffering. And even if I am still seeing a 'body' out there, I could always choose to perceive from a Wisdom point of view so per se - to respect their journey, and to see them perfectly as they are, trusting that everything is in divine order.

Afterall, I am no saviour. Just a passerby with lessons to learn and to grow in my journey of a-loneness.

The Clinging On & The Release

Past few weeks I had been diligently editing my teacher's entries for his work. From the first time I 'officially' took on the job, I felt a kind of flow through me while reading and editing his entry. There was a sort of clarity and surety in it which I am unable to express or put into words. It's as if, the work is not done by me - or as if, the understanding that came to me, was not from me, but through me. It was as if too, because of my willingness to play the role of supporting my teacher or rather more of the work that he was and still doing, I got roped into the Wisdom flow.

The experiences I had were joyful. With reflections as gratitude and appreciation coming back, it was not hard to start the process of 'clinging on', unconsciously. Who doesn't like to be appreciated, or be gratified... and most importantly, be 'rewarded' with the flow of Wisdom? At least I know I do.

And for that, I unconsciously held on to the experience which gave birth to expectations. This hanging on to the experience of Wisdom flowing through me to allow my understanding of my teacher's articles (so that I could rightfully edit or proofread his work so per se) was a new kind of thrill for me, or more truthful - to the ego. To the extent that since the past few entries, I had noticed a 'disconnected-ness' from the flow of Wisdom; as if Wisdom had left me thus making me feel as if I was in a dumb state. I could not really understand what he was trying to convey in the entries which inevitably hit the button of unworthiness. It was a vicious cycle, and a cycle that I had unconsciously rode on. There was much self-judgment at this stage. I also became somewhat miserable.

Soon today, as I was speaking to Angel, I suddenly realised that I was attached to the experience of having Wisdom flow through me to edit or proofread my teacher's work. It was of no surprise to me, although now it is my ignorance that is revealed. I was not mindful. Fullstop. Nothing to it, and for that I 'suffer' the consequences of the 'attachment' albeit it was nothing physical or tangible to it.

It is ironinc to learn that to have something, we need to let it go. To desire of it, and yet harp on it is to bring an end to what we desire. Thus the saying, 'Let Go'. And then we ask ourselves, what is it that we have to let go? What if we let go, and it never comes back? And that is the gift of it - the learning of trust and surrender. Having said that, it is always easier said than that. But what is truly important is not the experience of having Wisdom flow through me (in the context of this story, that is), but the peace of mind that allowed me to see that the hanging on to this experience was causing my suffering - a sort of mini self-bashing session I was quietly going through in my space. It's silly. And now that I realise it, it is comical; and yet that silliness has brought me to another revelation. So how could that be silly, but a wise connotation?

Wisdom has never left me except my own blocks that disallow me to access it, or rather for it to access through me. It is never about the Ancient Masters not coming to me, but my own inability to lift up the barrier between us. And so here, I trust that whatever I experience from moment to moment is my entitlement, and I surrender whatever wilful desire to His plans. As my daily lesson today in ACIM depict - Only God's plan for salvation will work. Mine will never work, for the ego's plan for salvation will always be one that hovers around grievances.  And again, as quoted in ACIM for my daily lesson few days ago - My grievances hide the light of the world in me.

And in truth, I am the light, for I am too the beacon. And if I were to continue to be the beacon, then I must remain the light that is within me.

Namaste.

Hong Kong Day 4

I actually only took one picture during the train ride to the airport. Lazy to upload it ;p, so please forgive me. And then I question myself the necessity to write this entry even. Hmm.. the mind somehow just needs a completion.. more like penetrated with guilt of non-completion!! lols! So here it is...

I did not go anywhere on the 4th day. When Mark & Irene were at work, I went downstairs to the mall to get some breakfast. No shops were opened save for those which served breakfast, so all I did was buy myself a corn beef bun and a cup of milk tea. Went back upstairs to enjoy my breakfast and then to pack my bags.

They came back at about 12ish to have lunch with me and for the first time, I met Irene's mom. They look alike. Such gentle features... :) Didn't want to bring my elephant along with me so I didn't managed to snap a picture of them. Lugging the elephant around for 3 days is no joke! And I was going to carry it for the rest of the day until I arrive in KL too!! Lols!

Anyway, we had Japanese for lunch. Not any different from those in Malaysia but company was great. We were exchanging more information about Malaysia and Hong Kong. They kept thinking that I don't eat pork, just because I am Malaysian. Explained to them about our races, ethnics and so forth. Irene's mom was really surprised that I was in HK not to shop, but to take photos!! She must think me weird.. lols!

After lunch, we went back upstairs to get my luggage. After giving Irene a big warm hug, I left for the airport independently.

And now (ahem, since last night actually), I am safe home... :) Albeit a little tired, but I am 'coping' with home just fine.. lols!

Thank you, Mark & Irene for your wonderful company and hospitality. Deepest appreciation from my heart. Love. :)

Hong Kong Day 3

Gene and I met at Central and made our blur-blur way to Cheong Chau, one of the small islands surrounding Hong Kong.

Our way through IFC to the Ferry Piers.

The Fast Ferry which we took to Cheong Chau. Ride time was approximately 35 minutes.

We arrived at Cheong Chau at about 11ish. Finally, we were in a fishing village!!

People in Cheong Chau travel by foot or bicycle.

They were really fresh. I was so tempted to buy them, but decided against it. Please don't ask me why.

Sun-dried Starfish is for.

Sun-dried baby sea turtles.

Damn old-school cafe. I like. But we didn't stop to drink.

Apparently, the motels in this street are haunted. Mark & Irene explained that many people come to this island, rent a room in this street and commit suicide because it is really quiet here so no one will be able to save them.

I damn like this door - reminds me of some martial arts centre back in the old old days.

From the temple, we decided to head towards the North Pointout Pavilion which apparently will allow us to take an overall picture of Cheong Chau.

Pit stop at some garden mid way to the Pavilion.

The staircase leading us up towards the North Pointout Pavilion.

The North Pointout Pavilion

We calculated and concluded that our 2-hour walk up to the Pavilion was due to our frequent stops to camwhore (more like him-lah, I don't like taking pictures of myself :-s). The walk was intense though.. reminds me of those walks (actually, only twice) I experienced with BB and the C&C gang.. I nearly fainted, I tell you!! In Cheong Chau I mean, not the Kiara walk.

It only took us about 30 minutes to get downhill. ;p By then, we were already very, very, very tired... so we just strolled and later rented a bicycle. Gene wanted to walk another hill to take pictures of some ancient rock thingy.. but I told him I was just too tired and that I'd wait for him below the hill. Thank God he changed his mind.. lols!

We left Cheong Chau at about 5:45pm as we both had prior dinner appointments with our own friends for dinner back in Hong Kong Island. I met Mark, Irene & Alex at Tai Ku station and had roast geese.. yummy!!! Btw, I have not seen Alex in 12 years! It was sure good to see him again after all these years!

Alex, me & Mark

Irene, me & Mark

Alex & I

I was really, really tired that day. Not only that, I was sticky, smelly and messy.. the wind was blowing my hair all over and I sweat profusely due to the humid weather and intense walk up the hill (at Cheong Chau). Hubby also noticed that I am now darker. Hmm.. hitam manis.. I like too!! :)