The Emptiness, The Monopoly & The Insomnia

There are 3 parts to this entry. All 3 different topics, but linked within a day. Read on, and you will know why...

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The Emptiness

I've been feeling a certain kind of emptiness within me. It's like, there is nothing to do, nothing to look forward to except boredom and sien-ness. I don't feel useless, or anything like that.. just bored, and to the extend some kind of unhappiness. I don't know how to explain it, but I just feel empty inside. Angel advised me to go inside to see what's inside, that something beautiful is waiting inside for me to reclaim. In the Christopher Moon method, it is called 'Reclaiming Your Power'. But I don't know why, I just don't really know how to do it, or to go on with it. It seems I have forgotten a major parts of all my past learnings. It's so strange. I've been calling for an appointment with Hari. I know that the chances may be slim since it is a long holiday and the weekends and public holidays are normally reserved for people who are in dire need of his guidance. Of course, I understand that just because I didn't get the appointment, it isn't because I am not special, or anything like that.. now that, would be a delusion; and I know, he trust that I am perfectly fine as I am, just needing to learn my ways around this.

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My plans to cook dinner tonight turned out that we went out for dinner with Bee & Prissy. It was a nice dinner though, although parts of the conversation with hubby were not so pleasant because hubby was unhappy with me using Lex to go for a massage session (oil on his seats) and I was unhappy with him seemingly treating Lex more important than me. On top of that, I was feeling anger and irritation due to Jon's last minute opt out for dinner since it was because of his suggestion to have dinner that had resulted in me not cooking. So instead of looking at the guilt within, I had the mind-state of blame, blame and blame... Of course, again they were all but a delusion - projections of unconscious guilt and results of mindless-ness and ignorance.

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Things got better after dinner, of course. I remember Hari telling me that Love always calls you back. We went for bubble tea and hubby and I apologised to each other. I admitted that I am not well, in the sense that I felt a need to throw my tantrums to let out my anger. It was as if I could not control my anger, the unkind words, or the intention to create guilt onto another. Physically, I suspect that my hormones are going hay-wired. Mentally & emotionally, I suspect that I am just going mad.

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Since tonight (or rather last night) was a public holiday eve, Prissy suggested that we did something.. you know, like have a drink, talk c*ck sing song a bit and etc... we decided to play the Monopoly board game.

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The Monopoly

Hubby and I bought the board game ages ago but it was never opened because we never had anyone to play with. Thankfully, Bee and Prissy were gamed for it. We had a ball!!! All of us couldn't stop laughing and it was so so fun! What I had perceived as a boring old-fashioned game turned out to be really interesting with outrageous negotiations amongst the players. Guess what, I won the game! Hehehhee.. I seriously wouldn't mind playing the game again next time. Bee actually suggested CashFlow 101. Perhaps, we could play that game the next time during family time together again.

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It's really nice spending time with family like that (although not every family member was there), other than the usual makan2, karaoke-ing and mahjong-ing. Something new and fun! It kinda brings new excitement to life! Well, at least to mine... ;p

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Thank you, Bee & Prissy, for filling the beautiful night with lots of laughter and love... :) Love you both!

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The Insomnia

We ended the game at approximately 1230am. Hubby commented that I looked tired. To be honest, I felt tired. I thought that I would be able to head straight to bed, which I did. But I just couldn't fall asleep. It came to a point in time where I was battling within myself - if I should just lay there on the bed until I fall asleep, or just wait up to read or do something else. Well, obviously, I chose to wake up.

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I guess what's irritating me is that my left side is acting up again. Shoulders are aching, back of the head is aching, rash on the left side of my face and sometimes itchiness on my feet... aarghhh.... irritates the shit out of me. And EVERYTHING is on the LEFT!! Geez, kinds of reminds me of the song, "to the left.. to the left..." hahaha.. It is to a certain extent, I don't know which affirmations to use for myself anymore. Guess I really suck at healing myself...

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Anyway, I think I should be reading after this. The current book I am reading is a borrowed book from C&C which I loaned about 2 months ago, and the loan period is supposed to be for only 2 weeks.. aikes.. my bad, my bad... :{ So I guess I will just try to finish it as soon as I can. Because this book had been calling me for aaaaaaages...

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Night night. :D

Excerpts from Your Immortal Reality by Gary R. Renard

Just finished reading the final chapter of the book today and would like to pen down a few things here for my own remembrance, as reminders...

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Who is the "you" who are living in this world?

Spirit is immortal, and immortality is a constant state.

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Projection makes perception. The world you see is what you gave it, nothing more than that. But though it is no more than that, it is not less. Therefore, to you it is important. it is the witness to your state of mind, the outside picture of an inward condition. - I made what I'm seeing...

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True forgiveness means you don't judge and condemn another. There's not really any sin and guilt out there, because none of what we've been talking about happened except in a dream, and dreams are not real. So J counsels you in his Course not to make the ideas of sin and guilt real in the people, events, and situation you see in the world: "Call it not sin but madness, for such it was ans so it still remains. Invest it not with guilt, for guilt implies it was accomplished in reality. And above all, be not afraid of it... When you seem to see some twisted form of the original error rising to frighten you, say only, 'God is not fear, but Love,' and it will disappear.

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Nothing real can be threatened.

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Nothing real exists.

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I am here only to be truly helpful.

I am here to represent Him Who sent me.

I do not have to worry about what to say or what to do, because He Who sent me will direct me.

I am content to be wherever He wishes, knowing He goes there with me.

I will be healed as I let Him teach me to heal.

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I am immortal spirit.

This body is just an image.

It has nothing to do with what I am.

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You are Spirit.

Whole and innocent.

All is forgiven and released.

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*Part teachings from A Course of Miracles &

excerpts from Your Immortal Reality by Gary R. Renard*

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Thank you Gary, for sharing with us your story. And, thank you Angel, for lending me this beautiful book. :)

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Namaste.

Quiet, quiet... nah.. not true!!

You think I've been quiet? Well, in my reality that is so totally untrue. What I will admit is that there has been plenty of boredom and 'sien-ness'. Is it possible that these situations are coming from the space of 'No Thoughts'? hahaha.. I wished.. seriously, the mind is never at ease, or is it the ego? While to the Internet or mobilephone world I have been hibernating, but let me share with you - the reality of hibernating (according to my experience, that is) - PURE INDULGENCE IN DRAMA!!

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If you were to ask the guardian angel, "eh, what your ma'am do at home ar?", she'd probably answer you, "nothing much.. just eat, sleep, watch tv, read book and play with Thea.". The truth be told that behind all those activities she could have mentioned are many kinds of different stories swimming in my head! Sigh.. seriously, don't bother asking me what it is. I myself also don't know.. but the most obvious is the irritation and anger of not having anything to do. There is this split mind you know.. one says, "eh, there is nothing to do wor.. so no need to do anything la.. it is ok one mah.."; and the other says, "walau-eh, seriously, can die man don't do anything..." Ok, so when I buy into what the seemingly other mind says and start planning to do this and that, guess what... the passion and inspiration is just not there!! So, I lay back and watch my tv, eat my junk food, read my book and play with Thea lor.. Where was hubby? Hubby was busy busy working lor.. he found himself some new entertainment - management work in the office. So busy until he leaves home at 530am and arrives home at 3am. Am I pissed? Nah... not really.. but just really, really bored... because no one around to entertain me. Sometimes when he is home, I will tend to talk some nonsense to him... just to spice things up a bit in my life, you know... Some examples of our conversation would go like this: -

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G: (with sad puppy face) Honneee..... why you don't want to buy handbag for me???????

H: (with a smile) Ok la, you go buy la...

G: (not satisfied with the answer) but, honneeee...... why you allocate budget for me????

H: (still with a smile) How much is the handbag?

G: (getting excited) the handbag is only RM109, but then now hor, got Malaysian sales so got 10% off, so the handbag is only RM98.10.

H: (with a smile) Ok la, go buy la..

G: (not satisfied with answer) but.. but... I bought it already...

H: (with confused look) then why you ask me to buy for you? you already bought it mah...

G: (with a mischievous look) you see arr.. the one I bought is white colour, but today only I saw got light brown colour (same design), and it looks nicer, so I mah thought of asking you to buy for me lor..

H: (with a surprised look) harr.... like that also can arr??? (with a smile) ok la, ok la.. I buy for you la..

G: (with irritation) ggggggrrrrrrr....... aiyooooo... can you give me some challenge arr??? boring la you like that... everything also give in to me!!!!!!

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Hubby burst out into laughter.

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Ya, I know.. as I am typing this also I think I am crazy.. but the truth was, I was picking for a 'fight' or an 'argument' just for the fun of it.. because I was bored...

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Ya... I know.. crazy liao.. luckily my hubby is a wise man.. hahaha.. didn't fall into my trap, if not when it really turns out to be dramatic, I wouldn't know how to resolve the matter.. hahaha

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Anyway, I think I am slowly coming out from the 'boredom' cave. It's really time to do something creative already. Will be cooking on Sunday. Will tell you how everything goes ok?

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Btw, I will also be attending a Public Speaking Course next week, and also plan to assist CnC in some areas just for fun. That ought to keep me busy.

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Must admit, at the first thought of having things I got quite scared - it's like, "aiya... sh*t, got things to do already leh.. cannot lepak already.. " but then as I thought further, "eh, wasn't I just complaining that I was bored because I had nothing to do???"

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Strange... why is it that we just can't be happy when we have nothing to do? And when we have something to do, we wished that we had nothing to do? Strange, strange dilemma...

It's Time for a Reshape

Starting from tomorrow is another 2 weeks off from school for Thea. Some of her friends are heading to REAL schools after this holiday while some are staying back until next year. For her, I am still in a dilemma because of her age, the current school system, me not being able to let go (if she goes to school - gosh, my little girl has grown up!!! :{) and most importantly her timing and habits; whether she goes to a real school or a kindergarten as both would require her to be at school earliest at 830am, or latest at 9am. Currently, at both times, Thea and I would still be in dreamland, unless there is a special occasion.

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So, besides the 1st day, or 2nd day or the 1st week of school, can I fool myself and Thea that any other schooling day is a 'special occasion'?

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Anyway, I've researched 3 schools. Their fees, facilities, teachers and quality of syllabus varies quite a fair bit. So how? My uncle told me that I should consider the one that is nearest to my home - but I feel that their teachers are not yet qualified to teach what they would be teaching (according to a source, pending accreditation); Thea's friend's mom says that the one that she is sending her kids to is good because the principal is from a reputable background with expats teachers - but I feel that it is a bit too far and somewhat expensive, plus the final year is only up till Year 11; The 3rd school that I am considering has up till Year 13, that means to say if Thea goes there from pre-school onwards, she could go all the way in that school - but the distance (actually not much diff compared to the one that Thea's friend's mom is sending her kids to) is far and I worry that Thea may feel lonely because most of her friends are going to the other school. Aiya.. headache, headache, headache...

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And when I start talking to hubby about it, hubby says, "erm, can we talk about this later because I am tired?" But then as I sit down here to write this entry, he sits down right in front of me to do his work!!!! My, is he tired from work (he just got back from work) or tired of talking to me??????????? :-0

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Anyway, guess it is too soon for me to be in a dilemma over this for now. I still have September, October, November and December right?? Hmm... I'd like to think that way because, you know what, I heard that registration for pre-school for next year for the school that is nearest to me is already FULL!!!!! Thank goodness, I know the CEO of the school *winks*, but like I said.. the teachers...

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So how ar? Wah.. I wonder if this is something that my mom went through too...

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Anyway, regardless of the schools - Thea and I would have to start reshaping our schedules--the time we wake up and go to bed. Currently, we both wake up at 10++am when she has no school and 9++am when she has school (her school starts at 10am). If I am out at night, she goes to bed a little earlier, like between 9-10pm; but when I am home, she sleeps the same time I sleep, meaning if I sleep at 930pm, she lays down on the bed with me at that time until she falls asleep, and if I go to bed at 1230am, that is the time she sleeps too. Terrible mom huh?

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So when do I start? Tonight? Tomorrow? Next week? And guess what, she is still taking her nap now and it is already 7:48pm!! :{

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When I got pregnant, I only imagined the times that I'd take care of her when she was an infant and a toddler which was why I was pretty prepared for a lot of things. But now, gosh.. never thought of this part of the journey... it is going to be an interesting one... :p

The Scapegoat

Poor fella... it was really my creation, all of it.. and what a wonderful story it was..

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You see, I have always loved to stay in a condominium. Not that I don't like this place, or this house.. I mean, it is my home - just that I think it is kinda big for the 4 of us (including the angel), and then the garden, the pond, the dog.. like I said, not that I hate them or dislike them.. I appreciate them - just not enough to wanna take care of them personally. So, everything is relied upon the angel - my supermaid.

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Nearly everybody knows that I think and speak highly of the angel most of the time. Why I say most of the time? Come on, I have weaknesses - so, I have my moods too when triggered!

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So, coming back to the angel. I trust her a lot. So much so that I could leave Thea with her alone at home at times (ok, ok... most of the time!). Last night, I had dinner at Unique (without Thea and please don't ask me why) because it was my aunt's birthday. When I got home at about 11pm and up to my room, I saw some light flashing on Thea's mattress. The angel was with her because she usually puts Thea to sleep when I am not in at night. I asked her repeatedly about the light and she kept saying 'nothing.. nothing...' until I lifted the pillow, I saw a handphone in her hands. My heart dropped. After some questioning, she finally revealed bits and pieces of the truth of whose handphone it was (it's hers by the way), how she got it, what she needed it for, who was on her contact list... while interrogating her, there were 2 phone calls (from men) and 2 smses (probably for the same men) - and time was approximately between 11.55pm - 12.10am. My heart dropped further. I was disappointed, angry and upset. I told her to go downstairs to rest while I think about it overnight to see how we could sort this out. I had to wait for hubby to come back to hear what he had to say.

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I held on to the phone for the night. While waiting for hubby to come back, I checked everything in the phone - phonebook, messages and etc. I know it sounds unethical, but I couldn't help it because I needed to know how long she has been doing this under our nose, under our roof and how far did it get. From the messages, I gathered some insights. I won't divulge here because I think it is bad enough that I had invaded her privacy and that I ought to stop there. All I can say is that, it was as I had suspected, but not as bad as I had expected.

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So during the serious discussion with hubby about what had happened, we came up with 2 options: No. 1) No more going out, no handphone, no mixing with her friends until hubby says so OR No. 2) Sent her back to Indonesia right away. Because of my mentality of the need to be prepared, we started weighing out the possibilities arising from any consequences of the options. If she stays, then how; if she goes back, then how. I suddenly realised that whatever 'plans' or reasoning I had whether she stayed or not - was to move back to a condominium unit. You know what else is amazing??? I realised that I made all these up!! I created all these!! How did I know??? Read further...

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There was this time, I think probably a few weeks ago, I went to see the Amaya (a Malton project). I loved that place... 1,800++ sq ft, 3+1 bedroom, all with attached bathrooms... nice kitchen, free aircons, kitchen cabinets, cooker hob and etc etc... I could go on and on... and while hubby also thought it was not too bad a place, he admitted that he prefers landed properties. He likes where we are now, our own garden, our own pond and etc etc etc... when I argued about too much space or the house is too big for us, he would always reply, "yeah.. that is why we have the angel, and we have to treat her good." I can't argue with him; because I don't feel the 'hardwork' of living in such a spacious home. He doesn't too. Perhaps, only the angel does..

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And you know how daydreaming starts right.. I started thinking - eh, if I didn't have a maid, then the place would be too big for me to clean, and too spacious for the 3 of us, then maybe we could move back to a condominium unit.... yeah.. thinking thinking and thinking... and then guess what...

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It nearly manifested into reality. There is this saying by Robert Scheinfeld, "If you are aware of it, you are creating it, down to the smallest detail." And that is exactly how it was for me. It was as if, I was this director of a movie... all for one purpose - to move back to a condo.

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What a creative excuse!!! To use a scapegoat to fulfil my wish... Tsk tsk...*shakehead*

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Anyway, all's resolved. Hubby and I spoke to her this morning and she seems to understand where we are coming from. Just to make it clear, we are not upset because she had a handphone, or made new friends (whether they were men or women); we were upset because there was no transparency. While she deserves her own privacy and space to make her own friends, we - as her caretaker in a way, ask for her honesty and transparency as she is residing in our home.

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Overall, she is a wonderful person and does her job well. We all have weaknesses; angel or not. When we told her that we were going to have a word with one of her friends, she cried and told us not to, saying everything is her fault and not her friend's doing (and this is a female friend whom we think had influenced her). I explained to her that whatever that we needed to tell her with regards to what she had done, has already been said; and now, whatever that we needed to tell her friend, has got nothing to do with her. I reminded her that she does her job well (sometimes human beings need to be bodek-ed a bit) and that it is ok to make mistakes, just as long as she learns from it - just as we all do.

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In truth, she did not do anything at all. Yeah, you read me right - she did not do anything wrong. She was being my scapegoat, playing out the role as written in my script.. So in truth, there is no need to pardon her, because she played out her role really well... In fact, I should praise her for being so real in this drama, and most importantly myself, being such a great director!

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Thank you dear angel, for being the scapegoat in this play. Thank you, for making this experience possible. I appreciate myself for this creation and the realness of this creation. I, am GOD. ;D

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As for the condo, I really ought to work on myself. And not anyone else.

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Namaste.

Infatuation

Yah, I am infatuated. Openly announced it to hubby, my mom and Angeline. My mom and Angeline said I ketinggalan zaman because they have already fallen in love with him long time ago... hahahhaa.. Well, although I am a little late in appreciating him, at least I am more sincere, because I bother to find out where he is born, how old is he and etc etc.. *winks*

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Who am I talking about ar?

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He lor.. handsome or not? *winks*

Btw, just in case you are not familiar, his name is

Kevin Cheng

Actually I quite like him already after the TVB Series 'Forensic Heroes II' aired on AOD sometime last year I think, but I am a little slow to warm up, so didn't really quite identify with the 'interest' then; but after the latest TVB Series 'Burning Flames III', wah.. I tell you, fall in love liao lor... hahaha..

Of course, I am aware that the characters he potrayed in those entertaining series are just fictional; and yes, I am also aware that his 'lengchai'ness contributed to the interest; I am also aware of a lot of things which are not real, but am making it real for the fun of it... hahaha.. illusions, illusions.... Can be quite a fun and romantic experience!

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Eh, I only daydream ok.. someone (I won't mention names la) told me that she wanted to kill all the girls that he kissed in the TVB Series 'The Seventh Day'! hahahhaa...

So, hubby... looks like you've got competition.. hahhaha.. just kidding!!!!! ;p

A little bit more on Motivation

I am reading a book called 'Your Immortal Reality' by Gary R. Renard. I came across this page in the book which I felt is relevant to my previous entry 'What Motivates You the Most?' which I would like to pen down here. They were discussing about the movie, "The Passion of Christ" produced by Mel Gibson.

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"GARY: (part of the conversation) Throughout the film, J's body is made out to be very special. The presupposition is that he has to be sacrificed to atone for other people's sins. But the quote you gave me from Isaiah demonstrates that that idea was already as old as the hills, and the religion that came along later just superimposed it on to J (Jesus). No thought is ever given to the fact that the whole premise gives us a God who is like humanity--in other words, insane. The movie, like the religion it's about, glorifies suffering and sacrifice. And people were bringing their nine- and ten-year-old kids to see this thing, and when they were coming out of the theater, you could just see the look on their faces, as if they were saying to the kids, "There, you see? You see what Jesus did for you? You see how he suffered and sacrificed himself for you? You guilty little bastards. Now what are you gonna do for him? You're gonna be a Christian, right?"

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ARTEN: Yes, and there you have the makings of a very successful religion. Because if you want to get people to do something in this world, including impressionable children, make them feel guilty. You could make them believe in Santa Claus until they're 30 if you found a way to use guilt and nobody told them any better. And in this case, nobody's telling them any better. The whole thing also makes the body very real and the destruction of it important.

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GARY: But if the guiltless mind cannot suffer, as the Course says, then it wouldn't have mattered what they did to J. He wouldn't have reacted to what was done to him and felt all the pain the movie shows him suffering through.

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PURSAH: Yes, and that's very important. That's another definitive idea in the Course. The guiltless mind cannot suffer. It blows the whole idea of glorifying sacrifice right out of the water. Because, as we've told you before, pain is not a physical process, it's a mental process, and if you healed all the unconscious guilt in the mind, then you couldn't feel any pain. That changes the message of the Crucifixion from the idea of worshipping suffering and sacrifice to a demonstration that if you were healed, then it would be impossible for you to feel any pain or to suffer. But suffering, like people now believe J did, is a hallmark of the religion that he had nothing to do with, but that was founded in his name.

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GARY: They have a cruci-fixation."

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*Excerpts from Your Immortal Reality by Gary R. Renard*

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Now, isn't that mind-blowing... I am still half way through this book. But just to share, each time I read a book with contents of the Truth, it takes me a while (as in, I wouldn't be able to finish it within 24 or 48 hours). But the book has an answer - that it does take a while to break the ego, which is why most people sometimes experience certain discomfort in reading such books. The ego, will always feel uncomfortable in any process of being 'undone'.

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Also, just to share a little bit more about the book, part of its contents shares that forgiveness is one of the fastest process to undo the ego and get Home. And this kind of forgiveness is somewhat different from the kind of forgiveness that we had been taught or conditioned. This kind of forgiveness is a kind of forgiveness to free ourselves, with the aid of the Holy Spirit and is taught in A Course in Miracles. Of course, the book also says that while A Course of Miracles can be one of the fastest way, it is not the only way. It is important to actually apply what is taught in the Course in our daily lives - same as everything else. What we learn in those self-improvement or self-help courses, no use we have the knowledge, talk or brag about it intellectually but not practice it or apply it in our daily lives - because knowing and talking about it doesn't get us Home. It just makes us look more intelligent in the level of form.

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I had an experience today while driving around to do my stuffs this morning. What I thought was the shortest or quickest route to my destination resulted in me delaying my arrival at the desired destination, or getting lost. It made me realised that while there are short cuts available, not knowing the right direction of the short cuts also delays my journey to the destination.

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There are already many tools out there for purpose of our own awakening. Many of us attend so many kinds of different courses, get motivated for a week or two, and then simmer down to the mundane routine of what we call 'Life'. No wonder some people say that motivational or self-help courses only works for a while. In truth, it can lasts for however long you want it to PROVIDED you practise and apply it onto your daily life. If you are not responsibility for your own experiences, or 'life' as you would call it for now, then who is?

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Coming back to the movie, I never watched the movie because I don't fancy gory scenes. But I did receive an email once, with a picture of Jesus' suffering face and blood and all those, you know, gory details about how he was pinned to the cross. The message - He Died for You, What have You done for Him? Because I didn't know any better then, I felt extreme guilt; but, it was also because I knew a little better, I deleted the message right there and then, instead of forwarding it to others (there was a request to forward the email to friends and family to spread the so-called message of God). Guilt is mine, so let me be responsible for it - what is the use of spreading guilt onto others?

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Seriously, if God is Love, and is Perfect Love as what the bible says, then would God create guilt in what we call ourselves, "the Sons of God"? So if it was not God who created it, then who did? Are you ready to find out the answer? *winks*

Girlfriends' Day Out

The Angelz

We took yesterday an opportunity to take Gladys out for kai2 to celebrate her belated birthday. What to do.. she was sick mah, then I was busy mah, then Terri had to work mah... but timing seemed to be just perfect (at least to me) as the busy-ness of the previous weeks seemed to frizzle out.

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We met at Midvalley. We wanted to do something that we had not done before together, so we decided to go bowling. You know what are the consequences of bowling? Aching arms (whichever arm you use to throw the ball), possibly broken nails, rough fingers... so? hehehe.. We headed for the bowling alley after tea at Delicious. To our surprise, the entire bowling alley was BLARDY FULL!!! We turned to each other and asked each other, "eh, they no need to work or study one arr..." Kononnya, a competition was going on... hehehe.. The lady at the counter explained that the next available session would be at 6pm, so we headed upstairs the bowling alley for pool.

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I don't know about the rest, but I hadn't play pool for ages. So 3 of us were playing pool and entertaining each other. Some times we were laughing, and some times we were very very serious... I remember one funny moment, Terri was really concentrating aiming at the white ball. As she hit the white ball, the white ball hit an orange ball. No, the orange ball did not go into the pocket. And then she stood up straight from the bending position and said, "actually hor.. I was aiming at the purple ball..." Gladys and I burst into laughter!!! hahaha.. it was really so cute and funny!!

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We only had an hour of pool. When time was up, we headed downstairs to the bowling alley again. Cool.. the crowd was wearing out and we got a lane. I think the last time I bowled was either in 1989 or 1996. Can't remember... we paid for 2 games. So the during the 1st half of the 1st game, we were trying to get into the momentum. Believe it or not, Terri and I actually had a strike (meaning all pins down)!! But when it came to the 2nd half of the 2nd game, Terri and I died.. I played so terribly... my ball went to the 'longkang' many many times... we all felt that we were tired and hungry, hah! what an excuse! But it was fun anyway. We were laughing and cheering on each other all the way! Gladys was very good.. she was consistent all the while.

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Dinner time was at Crystal Jade. It was quite yummy. The above photo was taken at Crystal Jade after dinner. We thought that we were going for coffee or tea or wine after dinner.. but we ended up at Borders because Gladys wanted to get Harry Potter books and leaving Midvalley at approximately 930pm because we were all shaged...

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However, I did not head home. I went to Oriental to meet my dad as he was having dinner with his old friends who took care of me when I was in Melbourne studying. When I told aunty Vivien the reason why I couldn't have dinner with them, she looked very pleased and said, "ya... should.. it is nice to have girlfriends to hang out with sometimes, especially on her birthday!" It was surely a nice reflection of my inner world.. hehehehe..

What Motivates You the Most?

Have you ever wonder, most of the time when you do something, what is the force behind that moves you to do it? And I am talking about daily chores, sweeping the floor, washing the dishes, driving your kids to school, working... what is the attitude behind those actions? Have you noticed?

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Many people would say, "if I don't do it, nobody else would do it."; or "must do one mah... it is our responsibility"; or "if I dont do this, then xxx will/will not..." ... well, whatever it is - whatever one says or not say, do or not do - is already an effect.

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I've observed for quite some time, that 'Guilt' or 'Fear' seems to become the biggest motivating force behind most people's actions. Or maybe they were my biggest motivating force which is why they were being reflected to me for my observation. Are they different - Guilt & Fear? In truth, they derive from the same nature. The other extreme of 'Love'.

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We are all the same. How do I know? Through a conversation with Angel, she told me that when she decided to kick her addiction to sleeping (yup, you heard right - she can REALLY sleep), she was non-stop doing something. And even as she consciously sit still to observe, she observed the mind or rather the feeling of always wanting to 'do' something if the body was not sleeping. Strangely, that was what I observed in myself too.. especially in smoking. In the journey of quitting or rather slowing dowm smoking, I managed to observed the many attitudes behind my smoking. I must say that not all the time I am sucessful, but I am getting somewhere. It's like.. there is a kind of guilt or fear of not doing anything - that moves the body or the mind to keep looking for something to do!

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And BB reminded, "the ego/mind is always wanting to do something - to chase something, missing the most important moment of the Now". Of course - not in exact words, but that is what I understand from it.

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Being mindful, or aware of ourselves are we able to stop ourselves from being in an autopilot mode. And being out of the autopilot mode are we able, to conciously choose once again the intention behind the creation of every thought and action.

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I remember Hari telling me this before during my first few sessions with him, "you can do anything... as long as they are unconditional" meaning guiltlessly and fearlessly. I'd use to question myself, "geez.. how is THAT possible?". But today, I come to understand while guilt can be the greatest motivating force to do something, I could always surrender those feelings/thoughts and choose again. Did you know, that it is the unconscious guilt buried in our subconscious mind that allows us to come back to this dimension AGAIN and AGAIN as cited in the Buddha's teachings and A Course of Miracles? I come to a point, where I realised that all the organised religions were all heading towards the same directions - and it is more than just doing good or being a good person. It's really more than that... *By the way, the Dharma (Buddha's teachings) and A Course of Miracles are not really religious teachings. They are teachings that leads us out of this 'samsara'*

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So really, are we able to always watch the intention and attitude behind the doing or saying? Even in the midst of the busy-ness of completing a task, can we watch our own attitude of wanting to complete the task? Is it with resistence (then why am I still doing it)? Is it with joy (what does that joy equate - selfish or selfless fulfillment)? It's plentiful opportunities to get to know ourselves, I'd say - and this helps in much understanding and compassion towards ourselves too. We may, for the first time, realise how hard we have been on ourselves and perhaps, choose again how we'd want to live our lives.

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This entry has been in my mind for quite some time now. I am glad that I am able to FINALLY pen it down today. My intention - to remind myself; and hopefully, to bring you home too. :)

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Namaste.

Jon & Pauline's Wedding Ceremony

Today is Jon & Pauline's Wedding Ceremony. FINALLY, another female in the Kok family!! haha... I did not manage to take any photos with the bride & groom or of the bride & groom because *ahem* I was supposed to be busy helping out, entertaining the guests and etc... hehehe.. the truth was, yes I did help out but only a little.. my camera battery went low on me... :(

I only managed to take a few shots. The others has only has the beginning and no ending so no shiock lah..

Congratulations, Jon & Pauline... May you both be blessed with a beautiful journey of much love, abundance, good health, strength and the right understanding towards each other.

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My highest regards and love to both of you on this special day and always. May you two always be well & happy.

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Namaste.

500D II

"Ooohhh.. the 500D leh.... "

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"Check it out first..."

"Wa-cheh... like pro onli leh...ada gaya tada mutu..."

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"Like pro.. checking on outcome of pictures..."

This is me, with the 500D in hand... Yeah, I know.. shiock sendiri only...

The camera still belongs to my dad - intended for office use only. :{

Article from the Kidz: Lessons Learned, Forgotten and Remembered

Got this magazine, Kidz, from my old school when I was submitting a document to the Advisor of the Alumni. Read this article and find it really meaningful and would love to share it with you: -

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A little over two weeks ago, someone broke into my house and severely beat my wife. It was horrible, unimaginable and a shock to us all in the community, friends and family all over the world.

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It left many of us asking why? And why did this happen to her? I am not sure we'll ever know the answer to that.

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It happened mid-day and she was locked presumably safely in our house.

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If you have ever been a victim of a crime then you know that you feel violated, angry, and vulnerable when someone invades your private 'space' like that.

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Compound that with the brutal beating of someone you love and you also feel rage, guilt, sadness and finally relief when you know that everything will be OK in the long run. Trust me, you feel almost every imaginable human emotion.

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Yes, you feel guilty for not being there to help. You feel rage and want to find the guy and make him pay for his actions. You feel grief and sadness when you see someone you care so much for in that physical and emotional state.

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All of those are viable emotions, and from my perspective, quite natural and healthy to feel. But you can't dwell on them, focus on them or let them consume you.

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I can tell you why.

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Those negative emotions and feelings aren't constructive. They don't build anything new. They don't replace the loss. They don't help the healing process that must take place. And ultimately those negative emotions are counterproductive and destructive.

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The only truly worthwhile emotion is love. It is the only way to rebuild what was destroyed or lost. Love is constructive. It helps everything heal.

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Of course, you already know that. This is just a reminder.

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Whether you know it or not you are part of an incredible community that extends outward and encompasses all of humanity. Everyone from parents, staff, colleagues and administrators to friends and family around the entire world reached out to us quickly and lovingly. Total strangers offered their sympathies and help.

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People around the world cried for us. People all over the planet have been praying for us and sending positive energy and thoughts. Everyone gave us the best thing they could... their love, positive thoughts and support.

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And here's the catch. Some of those people aren't necessarily our best friends. Some are strangers. And... how to say this... some are the very ones that get on our nerves at times or annoy us the most. Some of the people that responded with the most love are the very same ones that give us the most trouble.

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That is astounding.

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You know these people. We all have them in our life. It is the colleague or parent that doesn't necessarily get along with you very well. It is the acquaintance in the community that you never really had time to get to know. Or someone that just puts you off for some reason or another.

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And countless well wishes and prayers from so many different types of people: Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Christians, Jews, Atheists, Indians, Indonesians, Malays, Americans, Australians, Africans, Brits, Thai, Canadian, Filipinos... and the list goes on and on.

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Not to mention from every layer of the society: students, maids, maintenance guys, parents, police, managers, workers, rich people, poor people... their station in life didn't matter. They all rushed to our side.

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You name it... we got it and accepted their love and caring with open arms. Love doesn't discriminate or know those boundaries and definitions.

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I hope you know what I mean. I find it truly amazing. I can't stop thinking about it.

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So what does that teach us and help us remember?

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What it reminds me to remember is that all those differences are superficial. They really don't matter. The minor differences. The annoying quirks and idiosyncrasies. They aren't what we should focus on. They don't define the essence of the person.

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Race, religion, socio-economic status and beliefs don't erase or mask what we truly are or can be at the core of it all: loving, caring human beings who struggle through this existence with one another, side by side, trying to make sense of it all.

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As I've journeyed through this life I've learned, forgotten and relearned many times over this simple fact: as we swim through this ocean of experience we try not to drown. We teach each other to stay afloat. We support each other and we build life rafts out of community, friendship and love because we know deep down inside that we are all stronger when we work together. We are not alone in our confusion and struggle.

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It is indeed our greatest commonality and asset. This life. This collective struggle. This shared existence.

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In our time of need all of those superficial things dropped away like the petals of dried flowers and exposed this fact. Everyone that responded did so in the same exact way. With kindness, love, respect and gave what they could. Because in our hearts we all know we are in this together. Although sometimes we tend to forget that basic tenet.

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Of course, you already know that. This is just a reminder.

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So here is my challenge to you and what I have learned, forgotten and relearned through this experience:

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Cherish these moments you have on this Earth, especially with loved ones. Don't dwell on the emotions that aren't worthwhile. And next time someone is getting on your nerves or causing you problems, look beyond the thin veneer of their quirks and idiosyncrasies and gaze deeply into the core of their humanity.

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Look at them through the lens of our common human experience and you'll see yourself reflected there. And if you do this, I promise you will recognise that they are indeed just like you in their essence. You will recognise yourself in them.

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Because one of the most profound things I have heard lately came from my wife when she said 'I stopped being a victim the moment he stopped hitting and kicking me. Now I am a survivor."

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This makes sense to me because I truly believe and feel in my heart we are all surviving together in this existence and experience day-by-day in our own way, collectively.

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*Article from the Kidz magazine, July-August 2009 issue*

Rash = Heat = Anger???

My face started to itch with rash a few weeks back.. hmm, to be really accurate, perhaps it could have been a few months. The funny thing is that it is always happening on the left side of my face. And whenever I get mozzie bites, it'd always be on my left too. Strangely, most happenings are always on my left - shoulder aches, headaches, itchiness... I asked Hari before, why is it always happening on my left. He explained that I am always questioning myself; and the left side of the body, being the feminine side of the body, is now manifesting my anger, sadness, doubts and fears towards myself.... shucks...

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The rash on my face is getting worst. I think it is the worst it could ever be. Today, I observed that the left part of my face is actually swelling too.. geez, will I look like Quasimoto from the Hunchback of Notre Dame? I told Angel about it and she told me to go relax myself in the bathtub, which I did. I turned on the hot water to fill the bath tub and went downstairs to do other stuffs. Guess what, the tub was filled, but the water was not hot. I dipped myself in it anyway... don't care la.. hot or cold... I just wanted to lay in the tub, and a thought crossed my mind, "my body needs to cool down." Ok.. at this point in time, it was JUST a thought, and I felt nothing.

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And as I was laying in the tub... strangely, I decided to put my knees up above the water. After a while, I felt heat! Yup, you read right... heat on the exposed part of my skin! Where my body was dipped in the tub, it was cooling; but where the parts of my body which were out of the water was experiencing hotness! It was an awkward feeling to experience the duality of such sensations at one time. Anyway, I went into meditation, just being mindful of whatever thoughts that were passing by, sensations of the coldness and the hotness and whatever that came and went... I watched my mind always planning on what to do next, striving to accomplish something that has not been done (and here, I mean a task) and etc etc etc... absolutely unsettled mind I've got there... haha.. anyway, I ignored it after a while and then stayed relaxed in the tub.

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When I got out of the tub and looked into the mirror... the rash seemed... sighs... bad... so I took a picture of myself and sent it to Angel. She replied 'heat', of course with more words than that which kinda coincide with what I felt earlier... and then I recalled Kalai sharing with me that Hari told her to drink more coconut water as it cools down the body = anger. Angel also mentioned about herbal tea. Coincidence or signs???

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What I am curious about is that - what the hell am I angry about subconsciously? You'd probably be wondering, "wei... you angry with what also you don't know meh..." and I'd tell you, "wei... subconscious wei... if I knew, my poor beautiful face also don't have to go through such a rough patch right..." hahaha..

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Anyway, whatever it is lah... at least now I know... my body is at heat, and I must also be facing anger, because it is all over the left side of my face (geez.. come to think about it, look like those 2 face monster?!? :{ ). Go drink lots of cooling tea, coconut water and then surrender-surrender to the Almighty Creator...

Birthday Marathon: Bonus No. 3

Jer Lin is my secondary schoolmate. It is very strange how we were not close to each other in school then, and yet, after we have reached certain milestones of our lives that we began to have quite a few things/issues in common which brought us closer to each other. It's nice! Because I got the opportunity to get to know her better, and I believe, vice versa for her too.

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Believe it or not, I think we only got really close last year, or was it the year before last? What turned out to be common issues between us from our husbands not spending time with us much, to taking care of kids, to maids, and now, the workings of the mind...

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I am honoured because I believe, I must have been one of her very few friends who is privileged enough for her to brave herself all the way from Damansara to visit me at Kota Kemuning. For a while, our brothers (they were schoolmates too) were talking behind our backs (I'd like to see it in a good way), saying things like, "eh, you know arr.. my sister and your sister right, they visit each other and talk about maids and kids you know.. " It seemed like a surprise to them! I wonder why... ;)

Anyway, for my birthday this year, she got me a gift. Actually, she doesn't know that I already got my gift from her - which is, her sincere and genuine friendship. I remember that when I was in my most troubled times last year, she was one of the few who constantly text and called me to make sure that I was alright, giving me words of encouragement. She didn't know, that all those were already enough for me to last a lifetime. :)

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Well, like a said - my birthday this year has brought me many bonuses. We met up last Tuesday at Dome in Subang Parade. Again, I am truly touched. You see, she is one person (or maybe only to my perception) who doesn't travel out far from home. I remember a common friend telling me once that she hardly drives and has always been chauffeured. But there she was, willingly driving to Kota Kemuning to visit me, willingly driving to Subang Parade to meet me - just so she could pass me a birthday gift she had gotten for me. And you know, our meeting time was so short - 1015am to 1130am, because she had to rush back to Damansara to pick up her son, Tristan from school. Isn't she sweet? :)

This is my present from Jer Lin.

Jer Lin, I just want to tell you that I am truly grateful for your presence in my life. I am awfully proud of myself to be blessed with a beautiful friend like you. In case you don't already know it, you are truly an Angel who has brought much joy, trust and love to my space. Thank you for being the wonderful person that you are, I love you. :)

Birthday Marathon: Bonus No. 2

This is a little late. We had this dinner to celebrate the July babies of CnC on 25th July 2009 at this dimsum place in Damansara Jaya. It was a treat by BB, LF (BB's lovely wife and our loving teacher of Mindfulness) & BL (the MD of CnC). Yummy!

The July babies were Sian Sit, Angeline, Swee Leng & myself. One table could not accommodate us, so we had two tables. All filled up with our presence of joy and laughter! :D

Imagine, we finished up this much of dimsum!! And this was excluding the fried ones we had on the table!

I took plenty of pictures. Mostly, I used Sian Sit & Boon Ling (BL) who were sitting right opposite me as my 'models' for the night.. I must say I took some pretty good shots! hahhaa.. Obviously I am not going to put all of them here, but the below are the loving beings who were tireless in arranging this sumptuous dinner for the July babies to makan-makan and hula-hula... :D

BB & Lai Fun (LF)

For the record, LF was the one who put in much effort in sourcing for venues for our little mum-mum occasion.

Boon Ling & Sian Sit

This is all of us. Photo was taken by a waiter there, who claimed that he took some photography classes before. :)

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L to R: Danny, Swee Leng, BL, Sian Sit, BB, LF, Yoke Fong (up), Soo Lan (bottom), Angel (up), Lee Yuen (bottom), me & Steven

And these are the presents I got for the night. Nice! Nice! Nice!

To BB, LF & BL - Appreciation the creation *winks* (although this entry is a little overdue ;p)

Back

Yes, I am back. :) Missed me?

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I have not the time to upload the pictures 'cause I have been working since I got home last night. Yes, WORK! But it's fun work! And I enjoy it. I sent off whatever that was needed on BB's new book for CnC last night, and I spent almost half a day drafting an email sendblast, creating a FB event for the upcoming Sri KL Gathering to all the members of the Alumni and ex-students of Sri KL. So, if you are an Ex-Sri KL student, please do me this favour - COME TO THE GATHERING!!!

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Now, I am taking a breather... phew...

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Aiyoh... the advisor of the Alumni just called... it's back to work for me... :{