There are 3 parts to this entry. All 3 different topics, but linked within a day. Read on, and you will know why...
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The Emptiness
I've been feeling a certain kind of emptiness within me. It's like, there is nothing to do, nothing to look forward to except boredom and sien-ness. I don't feel useless, or anything like that.. just bored, and to the extend some kind of unhappiness. I don't know how to explain it, but I just feel empty inside. Angel advised me to go inside to see what's inside, that something beautiful is waiting inside for me to reclaim. In the Christopher Moon method, it is called 'Reclaiming Your Power'. But I don't know why, I just don't really know how to do it, or to go on with it. It seems I have forgotten a major parts of all my past learnings. It's so strange. I've been calling for an appointment with Hari. I know that the chances may be slim since it is a long holiday and the weekends and public holidays are normally reserved for people who are in dire need of his guidance. Of course, I understand that just because I didn't get the appointment, it isn't because I am not special, or anything like that.. now that, would be a delusion; and I know, he trust that I am perfectly fine as I am, just needing to learn my ways around this.
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My plans to cook dinner tonight turned out that we went out for dinner with Bee & Prissy. It was a nice dinner though, although parts of the conversation with hubby were not so pleasant because hubby was unhappy with me using Lex to go for a massage session (oil on his seats) and I was unhappy with him seemingly treating Lex more important than me. On top of that, I was feeling anger and irritation due to Jon's last minute opt out for dinner since it was because of his suggestion to have dinner that had resulted in me not cooking. So instead of looking at the guilt within, I had the mind-state of blame, blame and blame... Of course, again they were all but a delusion - projections of unconscious guilt and results of mindless-ness and ignorance.
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Things got better after dinner, of course. I remember Hari telling me that Love always calls you back. We went for bubble tea and hubby and I apologised to each other. I admitted that I am not well, in the sense that I felt a need to throw my tantrums to let out my anger. It was as if I could not control my anger, the unkind words, or the intention to create guilt onto another. Physically, I suspect that my hormones are going hay-wired. Mentally & emotionally, I suspect that I am just going mad.
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Since tonight (or rather last night) was a public holiday eve, Prissy suggested that we did something.. you know, like have a drink, talk c*ck sing song a bit and etc... we decided to play the Monopoly board game.
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The Monopoly
Hubby and I bought the board game ages ago but it was never opened because we never had anyone to play with. Thankfully, Bee and Prissy were gamed for it. We had a ball!!! All of us couldn't stop laughing and it was so so fun! What I had perceived as a boring old-fashioned game turned out to be really interesting with outrageous negotiations amongst the players. Guess what, I won the game! Hehehhee.. I seriously wouldn't mind playing the game again next time. Bee actually suggested CashFlow 101. Perhaps, we could play that game the next time during family time together again.
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It's really nice spending time with family like that (although not every family member was there), other than the usual makan2, karaoke-ing and mahjong-ing. Something new and fun! It kinda brings new excitement to life! Well, at least to mine... ;p
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Thank you, Bee & Prissy, for filling the beautiful night with lots of laughter and love... :) Love you both!
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The Insomnia
We ended the game at approximately 1230am. Hubby commented that I looked tired. To be honest, I felt tired. I thought that I would be able to head straight to bed, which I did. But I just couldn't fall asleep. It came to a point in time where I was battling within myself - if I should just lay there on the bed until I fall asleep, or just wait up to read or do something else. Well, obviously, I chose to wake up.
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I guess what's irritating me is that my left side is acting up again. Shoulders are aching, back of the head is aching, rash on the left side of my face and sometimes itchiness on my feet... aarghhh.... irritates the shit out of me. And EVERYTHING is on the LEFT!! Geez, kinds of reminds me of the song, "to the left.. to the left..." hahaha.. It is to a certain extent, I don't know which affirmations to use for myself anymore. Guess I really suck at healing myself...
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Anyway, I think I should be reading after this. The current book I am reading is a borrowed book from C&C which I loaned about 2 months ago, and the loan period is supposed to be for only 2 weeks.. aikes.. my bad, my bad... :{ So I guess I will just try to finish it as soon as I can. Because this book had been calling me for aaaaaaages...
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Night night. :D
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