FAT - My problem or Her problem?

I was very amazed by the several episodes of my mom complaining that I am fat. So, let me share my story.

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I've lost weight from 64kg since last August to 57kg currently and yet, it seems like it is not good enough for her. Initially, it upset me; like why is she still saying that I am fat despite my weight loss? But I'd reverse it mentally by saying to my self, "I am slim and beautiful.".

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The last time she said that was on Sunday before dinner. She did not say that to me, but more to my daughter. She was teaching Thea how to do some crunches and then said to Thea, "you see, mommi cannot do it; because she is fat!". Although it didn't upset me like it used to, but it did get me wondering "what on earth is wrong with her?". What has my fat-ness got to do with her? And in my opinion, I think (and hubby agrees too) that she has been putting on weight herself.

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Thoughts crossed my mind on what is the meaning of this happening. You see, everything that happens, happens for you. So I was watching: could it be that she could not accept the fact that I am now only 2kg heavier than her?; could it be that she could not accept that we shared the same jeans size despite our size differences?; could it be that she could not accept that she herself is putting on weight?; could it be that she count not accept I was beginning to look better than before and there is now a certain 'compeition? Peculiar.. all negative thought forms! And I was pretty sure that is not the problem, because the truth is - there is no one out there. There must be something about me that she is projecting for me to see. It is all about me, and what makes it difficult is that it is the sub-conscious mind that is projecting it! Lots of guessing game I tell ya!

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So last night, while I was dressing up for SIL's dinner I asked hubby again. "Honey, am I fat?". As usual, he'd said, "no honey, you are not fat.". I looked at him and said, "come on honey.. tell me the truth.. mom says that I am. And you always don't tell me the truth, so I'd never know! Even last time when you thought I was fat, you still told me that I wasn't! Please tell me the truth." Hubby looked at me, again and again.. and said, "honey, really, you are not fat.. you have lost SO much weight from last time you know. Maybe, mom just means your tummy." I smirked because the tummy is not an easy place to loose especially after child birth. But then again, perhaps I've not been working hard enough. And then hubby said, "you know... I also cannot understand why mom keeps saying that you are fat. She herself has been putting on weight." I looked at him and said, "yeah, I think the same.. but why ar.. seriously.. why ar.." He, being the smart ass that he is then told me, "honey, be confident of yourself. Look at my face (he has vertiligo). People don't ask me or say anything about it because I am not effected by it... so don't get effected by your weight then people won't say anything about it." And right at that moment... an "A-HA!" moment struck me!! IT WAS MY FEAR OF BEING FAT!!! Mom was simply projecting that out for me - that I have a fear of being fat! hahhaha.. it was liberation upon the realisation!!

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So, clearly it is not my mom's problem. It's my problem. But then again, it is not a problem - just a projection of the sub-conscious mind. I will watch and surrender my fear.. and until I see my mom again, I'd know if I'd let go of that fear of being fat. But honestly, which female species on earth doesn't have fear of being fat??? :{

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Well, I will try to be the first one! :)

My SIL's Birthday

Today is my SIL, Jay Lyn's birthday. I prepared her birthday present early this month because I was afraid that I might be short of time since I am currently on a project that takes up quite a lot of my time. I hope she likes it. :)

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And this celebration took the family OUT of Selangor Darul Ehsan for the very first time, for a very fantastic meal; thanks to Oh Teik Siang ;). We went to Lemon Grass at Shangri-la Hotel, Kuala Lumpur. Hubby and I always thought that it was too far for my mom and dad in law to travel all the way to KL because they both worked then, but when this suggestion came from Jay Lyn this time round, my MIL apparently was very excited as she had heard so much about the wide spread of the buffet at Shangri-la Hotel!

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I didn't manage to take a picture of our dinner celebration because my camera is not with me at the moment. When my dad took the car back for his ex-principal, he forgot to take out my camera from the dashboard of the car so my camera has been "missing" per se eversince. But we enjoyed ourselves as usual. The company is always good whenever with my in laws; especially since I broke out from the victim mode in me that "they don't love/care about me!". Hahaha.. thinking back, I was so silly, insecure and childish. But I am glad I am out of that. I totally enjoy their company now.

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I personally am very proud of my SIL. Although we were not very close before and I think it was because of the lack of time (hubby and I got progressed in our relationship very fast, if you know what I mean), but all's good now.. I remember I mentioned in one of my old blogs that she cooks the best spaghetti! She may seem pretty quiet at times, but I've come to noticed that she observes and does listen. This is one of the great qualities in my SIL that I respect; she doesn't have verbal diarrhea like me.. haha..

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Coming back to why I am proud of her.. well, she has been through some hard times, but she came out of it fine. Although I am not sure if anyone of us contributed as a form of support for her, but she was really strong and kept living her life to the fullest. She has progressed so well in her career and I believe is one of the most talented lady golfer in town. If she wanted to, she could win any major tournaments. I am very happy for her on how her life has turn out to be. She is young and has a bright future ahead of her. She is in good hands now, and we as family lend her our support and love unconditionally. And you know, although she doesn't really show affections the same way we do; she does return those affections in some ways or another... and it touches hubby and I deeply although we don't say it.

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Happy Birthday sis, and know that nothing can limit you to achieve your dreams. One thing for sure, DaWongz will always, always be behind you all the way; as long as you are happy. Wishing you a very happy birthday and many many happy returns of the day. May all that you work for, believe in and dream of come true for you. I know I can be very mushy sometimes, but this is from your bro's and my heart: We love you very very much. Be well, be blessed, be loved.

Perseverance

Thunder and Wind:

The Image of Perseverance

Thus the superior man stands firm

And does not change his direction.

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See things through the end.

Practise patience and persistence so as to continue going when things get tough.

See them as a challenge to your determination.

Be true to yourself.

Oracle Card Reading Services

I am now taking this public. Some of my friends already know that I do this, because I have done this for a few friends. Now, I am guided to advertise myself on my own blog to provide this service to anyone within Klang Valley.

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First of all, I need to declare that I am a newbie. I got into card reading for my own benefits and find that it gives me clarity on my situation and guidance to proceed on my journey or my situation. When I started to do reading for hubby and even some friends, I find that I could intuitively relate and interpret the underlying meanings of the cards, somehow. I believe that I was guided by a force higher than me. And the reason why I am doing this? Is because I would like to help bring clarity and guidance to people relating to their situations, life purposes or whatever issues that is clouding their mind and also, to serve as a platform for my own practice to perfect my skills.

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Perhaps, I should introduce a little about what card reading really is.

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Oracle Cards are an ancient divination tool that allow you to clearly receive messages from your higher self, the Divine Spirits (which could be your deceased ones), Angels, Goddesses, Ascended Masters or even God. Every card that you draw out of the deck comes to you for a reason. The spiritual law of Law of Attraction and with the help of your higher guides (depending on your beliefs) will guide you to pick cards that mirror your current thoughts and emotions. Sometimes, they are also able to tell you the likely future outcome based on your current energies, beliefs and conditions.

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The questions posed can be as simple as the messages for the day, your career, life purpose, money/abundance, relationships, marriages, soulmates or any other questions that you may have in mind. You will either be asked to draw cards, or I may draw them for you. However, I do ask of you to be willing and open during the session. By being willing and open doesn't mean that you need to tell me anything that you don't want to; but simply by eing open and willing in your heart to receive these messages from your guides. They are, afterall, meant just for you.

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There are no frightening pictures in Oracle Cards. Unlike Tarot Card reading, the cards doesn't really tell you the future or predict the future. They guide you, with blessings of love and light.

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I dare not say that I am good, but I can be pretty accurate. I do not demand that you come to me, but only when you are ready and willing. I do not wish to be paid (at least not yet), but I do ask for a donation of any amount as an exchange of energy.

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I am reachable by email: gerrykpy@yahoo.com

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Blessed be.

Dark Wings To Light by Paul Ferrini from The Silence of the Heart

This is an excerpt from the book, The Silence of the Heart shared with me though an email by my dear teacher, Tuck Loon. I was truly touched by it when I read it, and wish to share with you here: -

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DARK WINGS TO LIGHT

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The greatest block to spiritual awakening is the pretension that there is no suffering in your life, that you have no pain. If you don't feel pain in your life, you are either awakened or you are in denial.

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I hate to burst your bubble, but I must tell you there are very few awakened beings on the planet and chances are you are not among them. I say this so that you can be realistic about your spiritual life.

Even though you have dulled the pain, being frozen in fear is hardly spiritual. Indeed, all psycho-emotional defences you have built to protect yourself are just blocks to love's presence. True, you built them to deter or withstand abuse, but they also deter love. They push love away. The close down your heart.

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You see, you cannot awaken with a closed heart. The first step in the process of awakening is always "open your heart". As soon as the heart is open, you will feel all the pain and shame you have intellectualized or repressed. It is inevitable.

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Let it come. Let the pain come forth so that you may be cleansed and purified. If you continue to live with the pain, you will live a terribly limited life. Profound, seemingly overwhelming fears will move unconsciously in your psyche, preventing you from experiencing your true self or from opening up to genuine intimacy with others.

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Let the pain come up. Let the heart be open. In feeling the pain, you begin to work it through. You see that it is not overwhelming. You see you can be with it without being destroyed. Feel the hurt, the anger, and the betrayal you never allowed yourself to feel as a child, or even as an adult. Let the repressed sense of violation come to the surface. You cannot cease being a victim until you get in touch with why you became one in the first place.

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Get in touch with why you feel betrayed. Get in touch with the judgements you make about yourself. Go deeper and deeper until you see the self-betrayal and own it. No, don't beat yourself for it. Just gently own it and grieve it fully.

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It is a spiritual law that no one can betray you but you. Don't settle for the victim role. It keeps you from experiencing all the pain of your self-betrayal. Let it all come up. Let the pain be released. Let the self judgement and attack be released. You have carried all this too long.

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Very few people have done their own healing process. Even the ones who are out there trying to help others. Most of them too have not healed from within. They have not owned their own victim drama. How can they help you?

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Others cannot help you. You must do this healing for yourself. If you need a coach, choose one who has traveled the road him or herself. And be careful; there are not many who have. If you look carefully, you can see if the darkness in them has been integrated or if they are still pushing it away.

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Anyone who is afraid of his own darkness cannot move toward the light. Anyone who rejects his humanness and pretends to be completely of spirit is unintegrated and unwhole. Do not accept a wounded healer, even if he has an angelic name. even if others think highly of him.

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Find a coach with no agenda. One who can say: "Yes. I have been there. I know something of the terrain, but I do not know specifically what will happen for you. All I can do is accompany you, empower you to go deeply into the shadows, and see what happens. All I can do is to be the "friend", not the expert."

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No one is the expert. There are simply those who have made the journey and those who have not. The former do not claim professional status. They have been humbled by their own journey. The latter make great claims, which shatter the first time they identify with you and their own buttons get pushed.

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One who has made the journey to hell and back does not have sky fever. She is not of the fairy realm. She smells of fire and earth. She has undulations on her brow from centuries of occupation by water. Her beauty is of the earth. She is a weathered princess, a mother, not a virginal bride.

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To resurrect, to rise into the sky, you must first meet the devil head on. If you keep looking for him in others, you will not find him. If you don't believe in him, you haven't bothered to look inside your own mind.

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The devil is your own angelic presence defiled. It is all of your forgetting, all of your self-violation. It is the wounded one, the crucified one, the angel who has fallen from the sky into the muck, into the savage pull of worldly incarnation. He is you more than your fairy self is. Your fairy self is as thin as air. It is not of the earth. It cannot rise from that which it has never encountered.

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The devil is of earth. Your ego mind is the creator of earth with all its manifest pain and beauty. Do not reject your creation before you have come to know it. Walk in the rain. Roast in the sun. Roll in the mud. Taste it fully. Do not try to leave the world before you are ready.

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The urge to leave is the final addiction to pain. I must tell you frankly there is no place to go. This is it. You cannot move outside your own creation. You must move in it, be with it and learn how to shift it.

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God will not come as a saviour to free you from a world of your own making. That is an old paradigm solution. It does not empower you. Even if it were possible, it would not be in your best interest.

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God comes through your own gesture of acceptance toward your ego mind. He comes in the love and compassion you bring to the wounded one within and without. He comes when you reach down to embrace the dark wings that hover in front of the door of your fear.

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These wings will not hurt you. No one is defiled no matter how great the hurt. No one is robbed of his or her innocence, no matter how much abuse has been given or received. See through the dark disguise and come into the warmth of these wings. There is a door here that leads straight to the heart. Come into your pain, sister.

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You cannot come to God if you don't go through the dark night of the soul. All your fear and shame must be raised. All your feelings of separation must come up for healing. How can you rise from the ashes of your pain unless you will acknowledge the pain?

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Those who pretend that the wound is not there never begin the spiritual journey. Those who open the wound and beat themselves or others with it do not move beyond the first step in the healing process.

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If you want to heal, remember, let the pain come up.

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• Acknowledge the wound. Be with it and let it teach you.
• Feel the pain. Remember the violation.
• Forgive yourself.
• Be kind to yourself.
• See the perpetrator's pain.
• See the attack as a call for love.
• Stand up for yourself now.
• Vow never to be a victim again.
• Vow never to betray yourself again.
• Understand you accepted pain because you wanted love and didn't know how to get it.
• Say what you want now.
• Say no to violation.
• Learn to say no to what you do not want.
• Learn to say yes to what you do want.
• Do not confuse the two.
• Do not accept what does not feel good.
• Tell the truth, even if it means that others leave.
• Be firm. Be clear. Get on with your life.
• Be willing to feel your feelings and to let others know how you feel.
• Own what you feel and don't make others responsible for it. There is no blame appropriate here, for you or anyone else.
• Know that healing is a life-long process. There are more and more layers of abandonment that will come up. It is okay. Now you know you can feel the pain and move through it. Now you can have confidence in your healing journey.
• You need not go looking for the darkness. It will come to you all by itself. Once you are willing to heal, the pain of the broken self automatically comes up. Fragments of the puzzle surface and the picture becomes clear. This doesn't happen all at once.
• Be patient. You can't rush the process. Your healing has its own gentle pace. Stay with it. Don't push too hard or you will go back into fear and freeze up. Just be willing to deal with each issue in the present moment.

This is what the spiritual path is all about. Healing our wounds. Healing our private pain by making it public. Confessing our shame. Finding our healing partners.

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This is not work that can be done in a mountain cave. Withdrawal from life simply deadens the senses. It is neither advantageous or necessary.

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The shortest path to enlightenment is the one that moves directly through our hearts. Through our relationships. Through our pain and our grief and our fear. It seems not to be a path of dignity, yet it is the most dignified path of all. In it dark wings become illumined and the darkness begets its own healing power. For, in the darkness, we are nurtured and prepared. From that dark womb we go forward toward the light.

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Without it, we would not be born.

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Without it, we cannot be born again.

Pan-fried Sole with Lemon

I cooked up this dish yesterday for dinner. Yup, did EVERYTHING myself again.. haha.. except for the cutting of broccoli and the washing of everything else. I cut the lemon, marinated the fish, blanched the broccoli, fried the french fries and served them all, with LOVE. Even my maid laughed when I told her that I will fry the fries. Teruk right?

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For An's benefit, here's the recipe. Rather easy peasy... the only additional ingredient I added to the dish, was LOVE... :)

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Ingredients

Serves 2

30-45ml/2-3 tbsp plain flour (hubby told me plain flour is rice flour)

4 lemon sole fillets (I don't think I used lemon sole fillets. I just used fillets from Carrefour ;p)

45ml/3 tbsp olive oil

50g/2oz/1/4 cup butter

60ml/4 tbsp lemon juice (hard to find ready made ones, so I made them myself - ahem, I cut; but the maid squeezed the juices out)

30ml/2 tbsp bottled capers, drained and rinsed (got them at Cold Storage, Subang Parade)

salt and freshly ground black pepper

fresh flat leaf parsley and lemon wedges, to garnish

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1. Season the flour (I sifted the flour) with salt and black pepper. Coat the lemon sole fillets with the seasoned flour evenly on both sides, shaking off excess. Heat the olive oil with half the butter in a large shallow saucepan or frying pan until foaming. Add two of the lemon sole fillets and fry over a medium heat for about 2-3 minutes on each side, until golden.
2. Carefully lift out the sole fillets with a fish slice and place them on a warmed serving platter. Cover with foil and keep hot. Fry the remaining sole fillets in the same way and transfer them to the serving platter.
3. Remove the pan from the heat and stir in lemon juice and the remaining butter. Return the pan to a high heat and stir vigorously until the butter is fully incorporated and the pan juices are sizzling and beginning to turn golden brown. Remove from the heat and stir in capers.
4. Pour the pan juices over the sole, sprinkle with salt and pepper to taste and garnished with parsley. Add the lemon wedges and serve at once. (actually, I totally did not sprinkle any salt and pepper or garnished with parsley because I forgot ;p)

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COOK'S TIP (definitely not me!)

It's important to cook the pan juices to the right colour after removing the fish. Too pale, and they will taste insipid; too dark, and they may taste bitter. Take great care not to be distracted at this point so that you can watch the colour of the juices change to a golden brown.

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Hubby's comments: Hmm.. nice y'know... honey bunny....

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Hehehe... so, looks like I can be quite a "chef" too.. :D

The Disappearance of the Universe by Gary R. Renard

I've just recently completed another mind-blowing book. Why I call is mind-blowing is because the contents reminds me of a certain Truth that I've always known, but forgotten. When I initially read the book, I felt quite uneasy because it was almost different from what we had always been taught, always believed.. but somehow after certain chapters of the book, I became more receptive of the book and began enjoying it. I guess that is why it took me about 3 months plus to finish reading it. When Tuck Loon handed me the book, he told me to try to finish it within 1 month, but it was truly quite difficult due to the uneasy feelings that arised. But somehow as I persisted, I felt a shift in me the minute I finished the last chapter of the book. It was amazing.

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Below here are some of my own understandings and excerpts from the book, also excerpts derived from A Course In Miracles from the book.

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God did not create the world. We did. - my own understanding

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"What you think is happening is not happening. Reality is invisible and anything that can be perceived or observed in any way, even measured scientifically, is an illusion."

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"The guiltless mind cannot suffer." - A Course in Miracles

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"the ego is just a thought - and thoughts can be changed."

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"Forgiveness then, is an illusion, but because of its purpose, which is the Holy Spirit's, it has one difference. Unlike all other illusions it leads away from error and not towards it." - A Course in Miracles

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"Judge ideas, not people. Then accept the true idea."

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"Both the ego and the Holy Spirit are still to be found in every mind; it's just that the Holy Spirit is being drowned out by the ego's voice because that's what you choose to listen to - and what you really are has been pushed out of your awareness. We said before that you may have forgotten the truth, but it's still there - buried in your mind."

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"The ego's voice speaks to you as though it's your friend and is watching out for your best interests. You'll recall we've already said the ego has convinced you that God is going to get you and you'd better run for it to a place where you'll be safe. That place is this universe. As far as the ego is concerned, the best defense is a good offense. In fact, defense and offense are two sides of the same coin."

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"Now you appear to be in the universe, while you do not realize that you are actually quite literally out of your mind"

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"Love holds no grievances - You who were created by Love like Itself can hold no grievances and know your Self. To hold a grievance is to forget who you are. To hold a grievance is to see yourself as a body. To hold a grievance is to let the ego rule your mind and to condemn the body to death. Perhaps you do not yet fully realize just what holding grievances does to your mind. It seems to split you off from your Source and make you unlike Him. It makes you believe that He is like what you think you have become, for no one can conceive of his Creator as unlike himself.

Shut off from your Self, Which remains aware of Its likeness to Its Creator, your Self seems to sleep, while the part of your mind that weaves illusions in its sleep appears to be awake. Can all this arise from holding grievances? Oh, yes! For he who holds grievances denies he was created by Love, and his Creator has become fearful to him in his dream of hate. Who can dream of hatred and not fear God?

It is as sure that those who hold grievances will redefine God in their own image, as it is certain that God created them like Himself, and defined them as part of Him. It is as sure that those who hold grievances will suffer guilt, as it is certain that those who forgive will find peace. It is as sure that those who hold grievances will forget who they are, as it is certain that those who forgive will remember.

Would you not be willing to relinquish your grievances if you believed all this were so? Perhaps you do not think you can let your grievances go. That, however, is simply a matter of motivation."

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"TRUE FORGIVENESS: A Thought Process Example - You're not really there. If I think you are guilty or the cause of the problem, and if I made you up, then the imagined guilt and fear must be in me. Since the separation from God never occurred, I forgive "both" of us for what we haven't really done. Now there is only innocence, and I join with the Holy Spirit in peace."

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"Choose between the strength of Christ and the ego's weakness. The world is asleep."

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"Today I let Christ's vision look upon All things for me and judge them not, but give Each one a miracle of love instead." - A Course In Miracles

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"It's always yourself who you are really helping."

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Christ means the embodiment of all that God is... the Holy Spirit, the Universe, the One. - my own understanding.

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*Excerpts from The Disappearance of the Universe by Gary R. Renard*

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Note: I am not sharing the contents of what's seemingly is from a religion. I am sharing excerpts of a Truth, known to us; but forgotten.

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Blessed Be.

Disney On Ice: Princess Wishes

20th March 2009, Friday.

All dressed up for Disney On Ice: Princess Wishes

We started our journey at about 545pm because we had to be there at least 2 hours before the show starts to collect the tickets. I mentally told myself that there is no way that I will ever ever buy these type of tickets that requires me to go collect tickets 2 hours before the show anymore. It was raining, the stadium was not opened, it was dinner time.. boy, was it a test of patience!

Did I mentioned that she was quite reluctant to go to the show? Hubby had to lie to her that we were going to this really huge "club playground". Well, can't blame her! The waiting outside the stadium made things worst. Luckily for us, A&W opened a stall there and that was our dinner. She had her favourite french fries and hubby and I had nuggets, burger and fried chicken. Yes, we were hungry.

Our dinner OUTSIDE the stadium. Yes, with mixtures of standing and squating positions.

The stadium opened at about 730pm. When we went in, we were greeted by Princess' stalls selling all the princess' stuffs! It was seriously, very very pink.

When Thea saw popcorn stuffed in a Snow White box, she immediately handed me her unfinished french fries and demanded gently for it! As usual, we gave in.

Thea & the popcorn a.k.a. her dinner

We were allowed into the "ice-ring" about 10 minutes before the show. The backdrop and set up of the whole "ice" stage was simply beautiful and somewhat breathtaking.

DaWongz @ Disney On Ice: Princess Wishes

Lots of people took turns to take pictures with the "ice" stage. So we decided to give way and went up to our seats. While we were waiting, we took some SS (shiock sendiri) pictures of ourselves.

My Princess Thea

DaWongz
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The show started with Tinkerbell teasing the crowd. The first story was about Princess Jasmine and Prince Aladdin. Because Thea did not know much about this princess, she covered her ears and cried, "I wanna go home..."

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Hubby and I tried to pacify her. I did the easiest. I picked her up, placed her on my lap and hugged her and spoke to her excitedly each time one princess goes backstage and another new princess appears. The subsequent princesses that appeared were princesses that she was not so familiar with, so she was really bored... like this...

Bored Princess Thea

Anyway, I enjoyed the show. My favourite was a scene from The Little Mermaid when Sebastian sand the song "Under the Sea". It was so so colorful that I was nearly in tears. My heart was overwhelmed and I think, it must have skipped a few beats! I tried taking pictures of it, but lousy camera - lousy pictures. So this is the only one I've got.

Ya, I know.. crap right?

Anyway, Thea finally began to really respond to the show when the last 3 Princesses appeared. The colourful "Under the Sea" scene lit her eyes, subsequently followed by the Sleeping Beauty. Now, Sleeping Beauty was quite a scary scene because it was the fight between Prince Phillip (I think that was his name) and the witch who turned into the dragon. The dragon was scary and there were fire too!! Thea was holding on to her popcorn and kind of hiding half her face behind the popcorn box! It was really hilarious.. hahaha.. nah, I didn't take a picture of her... siao meh.. she was already so scared and if I were to post that kind of picture here; I myself would be wondering what kind of mom I am?!?!?

When the last princess finally appeared on stage; which was also her favourite princess; she started to wave excitingly. It was Cinderella. It was the first time throughout the night that she was THAT responsive to a princess... to be honest, the whole scene was also equally breathless... Beautiful, elegant and romantic...

Thea waving non-stop to Princess Cinderella

I did try to take pictures of the scene.. but as usual, it turned out crappy so I decided not to waste space and time posting it.

Sitting next to me was this aunty who brought her grand daughter to the show. I was quite envious. I never had grandparents to really sayang or pamper me. And now, my daughter's grandparents are the blur blur type that won't bring their grand-daughter to shows like these although they are absolutely crazy about her. I know I shouldn't compare. But no harm having wishful thinking right? But I guess Thea would be more glad that it was her parents that brought her there anyway. :)

After the show, I asked the aunty a question, "Aunty, how does it make you feel when you watch this kind of show with your grand-daughter?" She laughed and answered, "Childish..." I then said to her, "But aunty, do you feel that because of them, we watch the show, it also helps to nurture that inner child in us? I mean, we never got to experience all these before during our time..." She smiled and agreed, somehow understanding what I meant.

Hubby had a theory when Thea said she wanted to go home before the show started; that it was we that wanted her to come and not her. I reflected on that, and he was right. I told him that I thought it'd be a good idea to bring her, because that is what I would have liked if I was at her age. But I failed to remember that I am not her, and she is not me... and then finally understood that ultimately, I brought hubby and Thea to show just for me! Self realisation is just amazing. But truly thankfully, Thea did enjoy the show. How we knew? We asked her, "Thea, did you enjoy the show?" She nodded her head and said, "Yes."

However, when we asked her, "So do you want to come watch the show again?" She shook her head and said, "No."

Hahahhaha.. my cutie pie...

Well done, Disney on Ice! Bravo!

The 3rd Birthday

13th March 2009

The marathon started on Friday morning, which was also the last day of school. She had her first birthday celebration there with her school friends and boy, did she had fun! The birthday cake was awesome; made by Terri. And all food were almost finished! What I was most happy about was that most of her closest friends in school all turned up for school that day!

Princess Thea cake - so named by Chef Terri :)

The Tumble Tots Gang

Well, that was the morning session.

Came dinner time, my family, my in laws and my immediate family met at Hai Siang Kopitiam, Puchong for dinner. Besides the fact that Thea loves the chicken rice that Uncle Adrian and Aunty Elly cooked, I wanted to introduce my family (the whole bunch of them) to the best chicken rice and coffee that hubby and I have ever tasted. Well, to some it may not be the best... but then you know.. it is quite different from the others you'd tasted outside. Promise. :)

My MIL was so kind. She baked Thea little cupcakes for her birthday. She just learnt cake decorations so she used this opportunity to practise her skills. I'd say it's not bad for a beginner, but lots of room for improvement. But the cupcakes beneath the decoration was simply simply delicious.. so "padat" and nice. Just don't know how to explain it. FYI, I am not really a cake person. But surprisingly, I've enjoyed most of the cakes that my MIL baked!

Little pink cupcakes just for little Thea

Dinner was splendid. Although I kept on asking everyone how was food, at the back of my mind, I was quite sure I was just asking for the sake of asking. I mean, let's get real.. so what if they enjoyed the food or not.. the most important thing was that they were there and that, I was very pleased and satisfied. And of course, Adrian and Elly made it all special by taking up our orders quickly, serving us in the quickest time and ensuring all of us were comfortable despite they had other customers around. It was really courteous of them. I am so grateful.

The whole family at Hai Siang Kopitiam, Puchong

14th March 2009

We started out a quiet day although I woke up extremely early to go to the wet market to do some marketing for dinner. We invited Thea's best friends - Elise & Elisa, the twin daughters of hubby's friend, Kelvin over for dinner and to play with Thea. Thea had always loved them eversince they met and I think the twins feel the same for Thea. Hubby and I decided that we could give this little gift to Thea - playtime with the twins.. and so we did.

Elisa, Thea, Elise

15th March 2009

Coincidentally, it is the Goddess of Mercy's birthday. We took her to the Chetawan temple at Jalan Gasing for prayers. Although she was not very excited about the heat and the loud noises projected by the speakers, she was overwhelmed when she saw large statues of the Goddess and also of the Buddha! She was like, "mommi, that is the BIGGEST Buddha/Kwan Yin!"

Us at the Chetawan Temple, Jalan Gasing

After the session, we went to Jaya Palace for dim sum. Treat by the generous Chow.. hehehe..

Also another coincidence. Dad's temple in Klang was also having some "cross the peaceful bridge" ceremony. So needless to say, we had to go too. So came evening, and for the second time in a day and what more, on her birthday, we went to another temple. That place was awfully loud. And here's hubby covering Thea's ears at the temple in Klang.

After the temple session, Dad brought us to this place in Klang for supper. Unfortunately, the food was so delicious that I forgot to snap a picture of the place... simply yummy...

Then, we headed home.

16th March 2009

The last celebration of the marathon. We invited my mom, Chow, my grandma, my uncle and aunty to dinner at Ah Yat. It was the first time that we were buying them dinner there. Dinner was relatively simple and ordinary compared to the other sumptuous dinners that they always buy us. But I guess it is the company that matters. They didn't complain one bit, and thanked us for the invitation. Although it may not be comparable in monetary value, but the value of our sincerity mattered.

Thea ended her marathon celebration with this: -

A BIG kiss from her beloved Grandmama Jennifer

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY LITTLE THEA.

WE LOVE YOU VERY VERY MUCH!!! MUAKS!!!

Insurance People

I have a need to blog this. Hubby was upset when he found out that I bought the Enhanced Road Warrior coverage earlier today. It was only RM138 (including stamp duty). I couldn't understand why he was upset and when I probed further, he told me that I spent unwisely. I disagreed.

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Now, I had always known about the Road Warrior Coverage (it is something like the AAM coverage except that this is a product of Allianz since I am an agent). When I found out about the Enhanced Road Warrior, I thought it was a damn good deal for anybody and since I was renewing my car insurance this month, I added on this coverage. He thought that I was buying every insurance coverage on the surface of the earth because I believed in insurance and what more, was selling insurance! It was utterly strange to me because I had only bought this ONE coverage and it was only RM138! I was even more shocked when he confessed that he didn't like insurance agents to sell him any insurance! The thing that ran through my mind was, "but... I am your wife..."

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I sat him down. We talked. I won't go into what he said about the "don't like insurance people" bit because that is his business and it is not nice for me to share here since it is not his blog; but I will share what I said to him.. and what was in my mind.

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I reminded him that I wouldn't have embarked in this journey of insurance if it wasn't for his blessings. He remembered, just that he didn't like me to sell him coverages whenever I said, "eh, honey, you know arr.. this is damn good, we should get this.. " Then I reminded him again, "Yes, I always said that we should, because it's good.. but did we? I also always said that we should get a Peugeot 206CC, Audi TT, VW Gti, Perodua Viva, Alfa 147 and all, but did we? Ultimately, I respect your decision. And the reason why I bought this coverage was because JayD (my car) is a very old car. Not that I am expecting her to break down on us, but there is no harm getting additional coverage because you travel so much with her (he travels to and from LCCT). In case she really does break down in the middle of the night on your way home from work; you don't have AAM coverage; what are you going to do? And if the car needs to be towed, you and I both know that it is going to be very expensive right? Furthermore, it is MY car and I will pay for it."

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He went silent for a while.. and then said, "yeah, ok.. you already bought the coverage, so there is nothing we can do about it.. the thing is, I just don't like insurance people selling me insurance!" I felt hurt at that time, and confessed the hurt. I told him that I am his wife. I explained to him that I felt threatened that as a wife who is an insurance agent and a Tupperware distributor; that I am unable to share the good things that I've learnt or come to know about with him. I asked him, if he really knew what my passion was, and what I really enjoy doing. He said, "yeah.. you like to help people."

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I said, "yes, I do enjoy helping people. It is my passion to give service to people. I like sharing what I think is good or maybe useful for other people and get paid for it; eventhough it is just peanuts." At the instance I said that, my tears dropped. He apologised because he knew that his outburst had nothing to do with me but was just his perception of betrayal based on his past experience with his friends who approached him to sell him insurance. I was not upset with him. I cried because I suddenly felt all alone. I then took my cigarettes upstairs to reflect.

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After 1.5 sticks of cigarettes while remembering that he was simply my reflection, I got it. I felt alone because I felt the lack of support from him and when I turned my radar inwards towards myself, I asked myself, "could it be that I am not supporting myself enough?" Strangely, the pain and hurt went away and there was peace. It was quite a quick realization. I am thankful :).

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Let me tell you something about insurance agents.

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First of all, whilst there are some agents out there just to make your money; there are also those who are sincere towards you. Let's be honest. You pay a few hundred bucks to renew your road tax, fire policy or etc etc, how much commission do you think your agent or "used-to-be" friend (this is only relevant if you'd dropped them off your list of friends eversince they became agents) would earn from you? Seriously, not much. I did a case just recently and only earned RM23++ and I had to drive to her house to collect her registration card, print out the certificate of insurance for her, drive back to her house to pass her all that including some phonecalls just for her case. Am I complaining? No, I am not. I did it with much joy because I was able to give service to my friend. I had breakfast with her 3 weeks later and I paid for breakfast; so who earned whose money? And I am also not saying that all my cases are like that.. there are some that I make a little more. I also have customers who pay me extra RM10-Rm25 for my execellent and efficient service! Well, so they say... But seriously, so what? The most important thing is that, I gave my best and what was required of me.

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And yes, there are agents who are persistent; but instead of thinking, "hey, he/she just wants to make my money" or "he/she just wants my business/support"; why not change to "hey, is this a coverage I should look into and need? If something does happen, would I be glad that I bought this coverage?"

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I can't speak for all insurance agents, but I know that if I do share a product (whether it's insurance or any other things whether I sell them or not), it's because I think it could be good and useful according to someone's needs. I can't share or sell something that is against my belief or my heart. If I could, then I might as well be selling DRUGS! If I am sincere in my approach, I believe that there are surely agents who are like me! We get paid by the company because we convey and spread the words around about the coverages; it is the company that is paying us, not you!

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My only advise is to see past the fact that your friend (me included ;p) has decided to join the insurance industry (actually, any industry as a matter of fact), and see if the coverage that he/she is recommending to you is good or useful to you if your friend do share with you. If you had taken the time to at least listen to what he/she has to say, then at least you can determine if you need the coverage; but if, without listening, you just shut your friend by saying, "look, we are friends, please don't spoil the friendship by selling insurance to me."; then hey, are you being fair to your friend?

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Ok, let's turn the table around now. You are the agent. If you knew something that ought to benefit your friend, would you share with him/her? or decide that you wouldn't tell your friend because you are afraid that you'd lose the friendship? In that case, are you really a friend? Of course, when a friend has indicated his/hers non-interest in the coverage after already obtaining the information, the agent ought to respect that decision and not feel rejected.

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I am willing to be honest to admit that sometimes I am afraid to tell my friends if this or that may be useful because I am afraid that they'd think I'm just out to get their money (especially if I am doing the business); so I'd shut up! But then again, it is a silly fear. I underestimate my level of friendship with them, not trusting them that they would be willing to listen to what I have to say especially so if it may be of importance to them.

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I guess I've always wanted to say this; but never had the guts too. I remember when I was an Estate Planner a.k.a. Life Insurance agent, I'd advise my friends to get coverage because I think it is really really important. Friends will bring their policies to me to read and analyze; purposely come to my house to seek my explanation and advise if this and that was a good coverage to buy or drop... and then when I followed up, I'd find out that they bought the coverage from their own relatives, based on my advise. Ouch! That hurt. But then again, the point is that - they are covered and protected; except that I felt that my time had been wasted, efforts not appreciated. Get what I mean? So much so that I gave up the business because I felt, I could hell convince people to get protection, but could never convince them that I am the one who ought to be paid for my services and advice.

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Well, past is past. I am now doing general insurance because it is indeed less personal. Just that this incident with hubby came up and it got me thinking about why people are afraid of insurance agents; and why insurance agents are afraid to let their friends know about certain good coverages which may be important to share. It's just that, fear.

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Pity.

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And just to add on, know your intentions before giving or referring a business to your friend. Is it because you are broke and require a discount or a post-dated payment? Or is it because you really want to support your friend? If you are broke, then it's only fair to admit to your friend first to see what your friend can do to help you. If you really want to support your friend, then please try not to ask for a discount. Everyone is running a business. It is ultimately the integrity of the business owner to give you discounts. if your principle is, "if other people is going to make the money, I might as well let my friend make the money" then by all means, be sincere about it without expectations.

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And for the business owners - your friends come to you because they believe in you and want to support you. They even bring customers to you and promote you because they believe in your gifts and sincerity. Giving of discounts is really, secondary... but always, always give your best - because that is what makes you stand out amongst the rest.

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To my friends who are running up and coming businesses: Elly, Adrian, Terri, Jer Lin, Gladys and some others - I admire your courage to share your best. I wish you every success and joy in your journey. Blessed be.

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*Note: - The examples cited here are based on my own experience as an insurance agent and what's real to me. However, I believe these conditions are almost similar in most businesses.

We're Having a BABY!!!!!

Hahahhaa.. yes, yes, you read the title right! We are having a baby and the baby will be with us, say about... 3 weeks time! I can't wait! She is silver in colour and she is simply PERFECT!

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She has been hubby's dream for quite some time now and somehow, today I just had a thought, shared the thought with hubby and he was agreeable to it! Initially, we weren't quite sure although we were excited, so I quietly took out Shakreal (my pendulum) and asked him.. so how now... and the answer was YES!! THRICE!!!

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I have a good feeling about this. I thank the Universe for the abundance and also our courage to take up this big step! My gosh!! Hubby still thinks he is dreaming... and I am just totally elated and excited!! Overwhelmed is more like it!

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Anyway, can't stay long.. gotta get the documents ready for tomorrow. Wishing you happy and elated moments like mine! :D

Giving Up of an Old Meaning

Today started out just as any ordinary day. Except that Thea and I both overslept for her class and my gym. I stayed home, talked to hubby, showered and then had lunch. After that, I left alone to a chiropractic session, got myself adjusted and then headed home. I decided to go to pasar malam to buy some fish and vegetables (they seriously have very fresh fish and vegetables there) and then went for pedicure.

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In the midst of my shopping in a cooling day at the pasar malam, my dad called. He asked me if I could make it to the annual temple dinner on the 16th. I told him that I could not make it because I have a prior dinner appointment on the same day. He probed further and I lied, saying that we will be having dinner with Thea's friends to celebrate her birthday. He got frustrated because he thought that I should make the temple dinner a priority over the dinner with my friends. The truth is, I was not having dinner with Thea's friends. I was having dinner with my mom, Chow, grandma, uncle & aunty to celebrate not only Thea's birthday but also mom's birthday. Due to the so-it-seems disharmony situation that we have at home (as in the families), we are never able to gather everyone peacefully and in harmony to have one big dinner together. Or perhaps that is my creation, I don't know.. but that is not the point now. The point is, I lied. I was mindful that I was feeling guilty of the lie; and not giving dignity to my mom that I was proud to have dinner with her and her family. While the vegetable fella was calculating how much money had to be transacted over the vegetables I picked, I text my dad telling him the truth that I am actually having dinner with my mom on the 16th and apologised that for the lie.

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His reply, as expected, was not very nice. He said a few things that would have made me feel pretty uneasy if I had not changed my mindset about myself. Surprisingly, I did not feel hurt or angry or anything. Just some sense of relief, and thanked him for the blessings. In the same text, I shared that I've embarked on a journey of peace within myself; accepting the good, bad, beautiful and ugly in me and also everybody else including him. He wrote back and said that his personal opinion of me is that I am full of shit. Again, some sense of peace; as opposed to before, I would have felt insulted, rejected or defensive. I thanked him again for his expression; and reminded him that if I was full of shit, it was entirely my business and that perhaps he should start thinking if he himself is full of shit because for one to recognise a quality, he or she must know or have it. I know this might sound a little harsh reading it; but genuinely, I typed these text in peace, while noting the fear that was creeping inside me - the fear of his reactions (which will strengthen my sense of rejection and unworthiness) and the possibility of our relationship deteriorating further. I figured that this is my space now, and my moment. There is truly no one out there, and I was merely sharing what I've experienced, known and learnt in hope that he too could, turn the radar in towards himself; rather than focusing and pointing fingers on the outside; to find peace within himself. Whatever people or events that surrounds or happens to you are simply your own projections from your own unconscious guilt and fear. And you are indeed the only one who has a choice to either continue nurturing that guilt and fear, or to leave the drama entirely by forgiving it.

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Anyway, I text hubby soon after (while I was in the midst of my pedicure) of what happened and that we should really get our own car. He has been too generous to us, sharing his abundance with us and I am deeply grateful. But beneath the surface of gratefulness, I noticed a kind of attachment. The attachment to an idea that as long as my dad supports me, I am loved. And if I ever do give him back the car, it would; according to the old thought system that I had; be as if I am cutting off support from him. Now, support from him had always, if not mostly been monetary or material. Believe it or not, when I was aware of that thought, I felt certain aches at my lower back soon after. In spiritual sense, when you experience aches or pains at your lower back, it means that you worry about the lack of money subconsciously. I knew that my mind was worried. It had afterall, been running this idea that without my dad's presence, I'd be doomed. I smiled and quietly told myself, "hey, not to worry, we'll be fine. It is just a lesson, and he is still in my heart." Miraculously, the discomfort went away.

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I reflected a little here and there on what happened between my dad and I. Although to the outside world, I had always seemed like the hard-headed daughter who went against my dad's wishes, used him and etc etc.. I knew deep down inside, all I wanted from him was just to love and accept me for the way I am, or not. I even went into this drama of moving out when I was younger, not depending on him so much financially to prove my Independence. And yes, I did well on the outside; and yet, I lost - because of my attachment to the idea of what my dad is to me.

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So, the car is not a "cut-off" from dad. But rather, a detachment. It is just an obvious action of intent to detach from the old meaning I had of my dad all these while. Now, detach does not mean that I don't love. It only means that I am now giving up my old idea of dad, to see dad for who he truly is - another being trying to live this life.

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Anyway, I am aware that I have slowly regained back my power. I am not speaking of any supernatural powers or an independent power that draws me away from him. He will always remain as my biological and loving father who gave life to me, nurtured me and gave me whatever he thought was best for me. And while it is hard to regain my grounds to stand firm on my own values - and not his; I am now finding more peace within myself of how I relate to things, people and the events that surrounds and happens to me.

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It is truly interesting how I have evolved. Of course, nothing stops me from going back to my old addictive pattern of self lack in terms of love and integrity. But will I, or will I not? It is ultimately, still my choice and no one else's.

Young, but Wise

Last night, I was working on my laptop. As usual, the little one came climbing on top of me to either join me in my work, or to irritate me. It was really annoying because I was trying to finish my work quickly so that I could take a break for the day. Stressed was building up especially when she kept attempting to type on the keyboard I was using. Soon, I could not take it anymore and blurted, "Thea, mommi's getting angry." After I said that, she kept quiet and burst into tears. She turned around and hugged me. I hugged her back for a very short while and typed away as she held on to me.

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After a while, she got down from my lap and went to watch TV. I could still hear her whining as she watched her favourite Strawberry Short Cake VCD. I made a mental note to give her an assuring hug and kiss after I was done with my work.

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Soon after I've finished my work (I am currently working on a project and some other voluntary work), I went to her. She was sitting at her little sofa all curled up. I told her that I've finished work and gave her a big hug and a few big kisses. She continued to sulk. I decided to leave her alone and proceeded upstairs to watch TV with hubby.

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Hubby and I were quite engrossed with the movie that was playing on Star Movies. She came upstairs and greeted us like normal.

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Thea: "hi dada, hi mommi!"

Dada & Mommi: "hi Thea!"

Thea: "Thea finish crying already."

Mommi: "Why were you crying?" *amazed*

Thea: "oh, because mommi was feeling angry with Thea."

*Mommi feeling guilty, shocked and touched by her sheer honest expression*

Mommi: "oh, I am sorry, pumpkin, for feeling angry earlier..." *hugging Thea tightly*

Thea: "oh, it's ok mommi, it was only an accident." *smiling*

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I had only taught her thrice, that she is not anger, and that anger is only a feeling; and there she was, explaining to her best capacity of what she understood... and what amazed and touched me even further was that she was able to understand that the anger was not intentional, and that it was just a feeling that came and went; not permanent. And by being able to "wake up" from the "victim" mode all by herself, she surely taught me a thing of two: -

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You have a choice to choose what you want to believe. You can choose to believe something that will make you feel better or worse... because no truth, is ever the REAL truth. The truth is, only what's real to you. And what's real to you, shall be what binds you; or free you.

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Thank you, my little pumpkin.. my young & wise teacher... With gratitude, I love you... :)

The Start of the Tupperware Business!!

I finally got my tupperware sales kit today!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! Although I don't know much about it, but somehow there is an overwhelming feeling when I got it from the bunch of things that my mom gave me. Just this feeling of excitement!

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The business is one thing, but really, just a sense of ownership and authority being able to speak about it! Can you imagine, I'd be able to know more about Tupperwares and get access to the various goodness and designs of them! It is just too exciting!!

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I have managed to close one sale about a week ago. Thanks to Jenneifer for her generous support and her profound honesty that she loves Tupperwares too except that she doesn't have anywhere to place them yet. Although it is not much and my earnings is only about RM6 but I think it is a good start. It is afterall, a good product!! And by being a newly signed-up Tupperware distributor, I get new tupperwares for free too! I am so excited because I was just complaining to my maid the other day that I have to get so more of these because there isn't enough to put the biscuits/cereals that I bought for Thea! Now I have 3 extras! The feeling is great!

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Come on, join me to indulge in the world of Tupperwares! It will change the way you view your kitchen - one of the more vital sections of your home!!!

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Cheerios!!

Heroes Season III

This is actually long overdue. I marked in my calendar about 2 weeks ago that I would stay home to watch Heroes Season 3 Marathon airing on Astro on 2nd March. It started at about 2pm and ended about almost midnight.

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Although I would have liked to be glued to the TV to catch every second of the show, very unfortunately I did not due to certain happenings in my house. Well, something not very nice has happened, but it is not to my home or any of my loved ones; except that it happened in my house because that incident was not within control. It was something unpleasant, but it had nothing to do with my dear ones. Just someone that I knew and was trying to accomodate during her time of troubles. I am still thinking if I should blog about it.. since it is not my business, but then again, the fact that I am inevitably "involved" in her recovery process, I am already in that shared space. Anyway, we'll see.

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Back to Heroes. Now, I must say that this season is more 'chi kek' compared to Season 2. I did not managed to watch every detail of it but the parts and puzzles of it helped me more or less understand what was actually going on. Although some friends had told me that it is no longer interesting, but I find it still quite challenging. To me, it has many lessons to be learnt and reflects many truths about us, being humans on the surface of this world; our thoughts, reactions and who we truly are.

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Take for instance, Gabriel a.k.a. Sylar. There were a few episodes where he was actually the good guy, which was in fact, his true nature. He did not have to kill others to attain the ability (this season explains why he wanted to get other people's abilities) and he actually found a way to get it without having to kill anyone. However, his surroundings did not permit him to move on positively; for he was deceived by lies and manipulated by others plus strong views from others that he was indeed a killer; and not someone of a good nature; for that, he turned bad again; a killer; whom he had come to terms with in some ways, that is his true nature. It was truly a heartached story for him. For he wanted a chance, and he seeked the second chance from others; and it was sad that he didn't know that the second chance lies within him and not from other people. Now, this is just a fiction. Perhaps if he had really turned good, that would mean the end of Heroes. But in reality, many people dictate their lives on other people's perception on how they should do it, or truthfully, who they are. The truth is, who knows you better than you? Yes, mistakes are always done.. but they are only meant to be corrected, and not punished. Sometimes, we point the finger outwards, blaming others or the outside for the misery that we put ourselves through; relying on the outside world a.k.a. a third party to make us feel better... to give us love and peace. But really, it is until you are willing to face who you truly are inside, and acknowledge it - the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly that you would truly be free and peaceful inside. There is no one out there.. there is only you and you are responsible for the life you live.

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Hmm.. it looks like I have diverted. But I can't help it at this juncture. I think this incident that is happening relating to someone I know is somehow putting a lot of thoughts in me. A girl, who shared her dreams with her friends only because she thought it was safe to be shared; and then manipulated and having to go through the consequences of being merely an innocent child, a dreamer... My heart aches for her. All I can do at this moment is just be by her side whenever she needs me to. But, it does take a toll on me because I have other needs and responsibilities to fulfil as well. I just pray that she will get well soon.

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Back to Heroes 3 again.. it is a good catch! At least, to me it is. Enjoy! :D