Today started out just as any ordinary day. Except that Thea and I both overslept for her class and my gym. I stayed home, talked to hubby, showered and then had lunch. After that, I left alone to a chiropractic session, got myself adjusted and then headed home. I decided to go to pasar malam to buy some fish and vegetables (they seriously have very fresh fish and vegetables there) and then went for pedicure.
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In the midst of my shopping in a cooling day at the pasar malam, my dad called. He asked me if I could make it to the annual temple dinner on the 16th. I told him that I could not make it because I have a prior dinner appointment on the same day. He probed further and I lied, saying that we will be having dinner with Thea's friends to celebrate her birthday. He got frustrated because he thought that I should make the temple dinner a priority over the dinner with my friends. The truth is, I was not having dinner with Thea's friends. I was having dinner with my mom, Chow, grandma, uncle & aunty to celebrate not only Thea's birthday but also mom's birthday. Due to the so-it-seems disharmony situation that we have at home (as in the families), we are never able to gather everyone peacefully and in harmony to have one big dinner together. Or perhaps that is my creation, I don't know.. but that is not the point now. The point is, I lied. I was mindful that I was feeling guilty of the lie; and not giving dignity to my mom that I was proud to have dinner with her and her family. While the vegetable fella was calculating how much money had to be transacted over the vegetables I picked, I text my dad telling him the truth that I am actually having dinner with my mom on the 16th and apologised that for the lie.
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His reply, as expected, was not very nice. He said a few things that would have made me feel pretty uneasy if I had not changed my mindset about myself. Surprisingly, I did not feel hurt or angry or anything. Just some sense of relief, and thanked him for the blessings. In the same text, I shared that I've embarked on a journey of peace within myself; accepting the good, bad, beautiful and ugly in me and also everybody else including him. He wrote back and said that his personal opinion of me is that I am full of shit. Again, some sense of peace; as opposed to before, I would have felt insulted, rejected or defensive. I thanked him again for his expression; and reminded him that if I was full of shit, it was entirely my business and that perhaps he should start thinking if he himself is full of shit because for one to recognise a quality, he or she must know or have it. I know this might sound a little harsh reading it; but genuinely, I typed these text in peace, while noting the fear that was creeping inside me - the fear of his reactions (which will strengthen my sense of rejection and unworthiness) and the possibility of our relationship deteriorating further. I figured that this is my space now, and my moment. There is truly no one out there, and I was merely sharing what I've experienced, known and learnt in hope that he too could, turn the radar in towards himself; rather than focusing and pointing fingers on the outside; to find peace within himself. Whatever people or events that surrounds or happens to you are simply your own projections from your own unconscious guilt and fear. And you are indeed the only one who has a choice to either continue nurturing that guilt and fear, or to leave the drama entirely by forgiving it.
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Anyway, I text hubby soon after (while I was in the midst of my pedicure) of what happened and that we should really get our own car. He has been too generous to us, sharing his abundance with us and I am deeply grateful. But beneath the surface of gratefulness, I noticed a kind of attachment. The attachment to an idea that as long as my dad supports me, I am loved. And if I ever do give him back the car, it would; according to the old thought system that I had; be as if I am cutting off support from him. Now, support from him had always, if not mostly been monetary or material. Believe it or not, when I was aware of that thought, I felt certain aches at my lower back soon after. In spiritual sense, when you experience aches or pains at your lower back, it means that you worry about the lack of money subconsciously. I knew that my mind was worried. It had afterall, been running this idea that without my dad's presence, I'd be doomed. I smiled and quietly told myself, "hey, not to worry, we'll be fine. It is just a lesson, and he is still in my heart." Miraculously, the discomfort went away.
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I reflected a little here and there on what happened between my dad and I. Although to the outside world, I had always seemed like the hard-headed daughter who went against my dad's wishes, used him and etc etc.. I knew deep down inside, all I wanted from him was just to love and accept me for the way I am, or not. I even went into this drama of moving out when I was younger, not depending on him so much financially to prove my Independence. And yes, I did well on the outside; and yet, I lost - because of my attachment to the idea of what my dad is to me.
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So, the car is not a "cut-off" from dad. But rather, a detachment. It is just an obvious action of intent to detach from the old meaning I had of my dad all these while. Now, detach does not mean that I don't love. It only means that I am now giving up my old idea of dad, to see dad for who he truly is - another being trying to live this life.
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Anyway, I am aware that I have slowly regained back my power. I am not speaking of any supernatural powers or an independent power that draws me away from him. He will always remain as my biological and loving father who gave life to me, nurtured me and gave me whatever he thought was best for me. And while it is hard to regain my grounds to stand firm on my own values - and not his; I am now finding more peace within myself of how I relate to things, people and the events that surrounds and happens to me.
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It is truly interesting how I have evolved. Of course, nothing stops me from going back to my old addictive pattern of self lack in terms of love and integrity. But will I, or will I not? It is ultimately, still my choice and no one else's.
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