Last Night

Last night, hubby and I took Thea to Sunway Pyramid. I wanted to go to GNC to get some vitamins. In the midst of my shopping, dad called and invited me over to his house for a chat. I still remember his invitation, "Do you have time to come over to my house for a chat?" I know this might not sound special to you, but to me, it is... First of all, he hardly asked me if I ever had time (normally he'd just abruptly make his request) and invited me over to his house 'for a chat'. Normally, it is to discuss about this or that - and his tone of voice would usually be serious and deep. Last night, it was different. He sounded... nice.

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After accepting his invitation, my mind went wild. "er... what does he want to talk to me about ar?", "will he ask me what I have been doing with my life again and then get disappointed and pissed off with me when I say 'nothing'?", "will he tell me things that would make me angry?" I could literally feel my body tense up. My shoulders started aching and I started to have a bad headache - clearly indications of thinking too much. Being mindful of such thoughts, I consciously let out a big sigh (in a 'letting-go' kinda way) and gently told myself, "My mind was already creating stories before I am in the presence of my dad. I am now in Sunway Pyramid with hubby and Thea and I will stay present in the Now." Well, it worked for a while.. and then I had to constantly reaffirm to myself, "I will accept whatever IS. Any dis-ease is only my own and my opportunity to reflect and grow." When we left Pyramid, I was still experiencing shoulder and head aches. :(

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The chat with dad was miraculously pleasant. I was present to whatever he was saying. Usually I'd just 'look' as if I am there while my mind wanders away - clearly and obviously a sign of resisting the then present situation with dad. But last night, I was just there... listening to what he had to say and share. I don't know how to explain how well the conversation went... though in actual fact, I did not say much. But I guess by not saying much and my willingness to stay present to him, I kinda reached out to him - his heart and his essence. Jon later came downstairs to join us for the chat. It was getting kinda late so as dad expressed that his readiness to retire for the night, I excused myself too. And the next thing that happened was something that I had not experienced or felt for many years. For many times since a long time ago, when I hugged and kissed my dad, his gestures would show a kind of reluctance and resistance AND, he would never kiss me back. But last night, it was different. He hugged and kissed me back as I placed my arms around him and gave him a peck on his cheek.. He'd even put his hand on my butt and gave it a squeeze - something he'd not done for many many many years... It was our father-daughter hug. Ok ok.. it was a father-child kinda hug for our family. I remember when we were young children, we'd rush to the door whenever he was home, fight amongst each other so that we could be the first ones that dad kissed and hugged the minute he got home. The one who wins was always the happiest, and the second and third runner ups, despite getting their equal share of attention, hugs and kisses sulk because they didn't get to be the first! It was really cute!

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So you can see.. how last night's event with my dad meant so much to me. We used to be really really close, but somehow grew apart when mom and dad got separated.

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Dad & Thea when she was 5 months old

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Anyway, I am truly touched by his invitation and my willingness to be open to what was there for me. Perhaps, his tone of voice had never been deep or serious; perhaps, he had always said, "do you have time to have a chat with me?"; or perhaps, he always saw me... and it was all the stories created in my head that did not allow me to see the love he was showering onto me, but instead again and again convincing me that I was the victim. But it doesn't matter now, because I was only unconscious then and I do forgive myself for that.

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While I take baby steps to be conscious, to deter myself from being on auto-pilot - there is indeed more clarity and somehow a twist to the creation of reality. I am able to experience much more love, joy, peace and gratitude from my surroundings and relationships that I am in. I guess my new found interest in photography was also telling me subtly that I am now beginning to take notice and be more aware of my surroundings without judgments, without the stories in my head. Well, not all the time.. but I've experienced it. :)

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Thank you Dad.. for the many moments that you've never stopped knocking on my door even when I never saw you. I see you now... and I see me. We are one. I love you.