I was happily doing our routine round of groceries at Tesco when I got an sms from Navithar of IRAH. It said, "Dear friends, kindly checkout this blog http://gerrymoon.blogspot.com Title of article My Lessons with Hari. Please forward to all your friends. Good day. :)"
...
My jaw literally DROPPED! The thoughts in my head were, "OMG, Navithar! What have you done?????" I initially wanted to text Navithar the exact same words, but I remembered; so I stopped a moment to ponder on why I was uncomfortable with sharing my blog. Afterall, to have entries on blogspot is already public, so why was I uncomfortable with her inviting more readers to my blog?
...
I shared my sentiment with hubby when he read the sms. He smiled and said, "that's good, honey." I guess my expectations of an answer was not going to be met. So I waited till when we were getting ready for bed before I shared with him how I felt - confused.
...
He reminded me why I started a blog. I admitted that initially I started a MSN blog because I just wanted to vent out my feelings within my circle of friends whom I trusted (I limited my MSN blog to certain friends). And then I moved to blogspot.com because I wanted to *ahem* make some money through the adgoogles (so far, I've made nothing!). He laughed. After he caught hold of himself, he reminded me of the numerous times that I've always said I wanted to share and reach out; and what Navithar did was merely helping me to spread my sharing. I knew that. But that did not exactly uplift me of my confused feelings.
...
As I was continuously speaking from my heart, the answer came - I was afraid to be acknowledged. It's like.. I want to be acknowledged, and yet afraid of it. Hubby gently nudged, "could it be that, you fear that once you are acknowledged, you'd not be able to meet up to other people's expectations of you? But you see, there is no other's expectations that you need to live up to. You just be yourself." I was amazed by his level of wisdom by now... but he was right. And that freed me. Our deep conversation also later on revealed other beliefs that I had within which caused my feelings of confusion. I was freed. And I felt great gratitude to hubby and myself for marrying such a wonderful and wise hubby to support me in my journey.
...
You must be wondering. What has acknowledgement got to do with the entry and my blog? Precisely. Nothing. And yet my mind wonders off... "aiyo... I am the one ohhhh... how arr... can ka???" Nuisance, silly mind I've got there...
...
This lesson taught me something. My unwillingness to receive gratitude and acknowledgement. My stepping aside from the unconscious mind to assess the conscious mind once again also helped me understand better the initial intention of my sharing of Hari. The intention was about Hari. It was to share about Hari's love for you and me. It has never really been about me when I wrote that entry. I had all the necessary information of Hari to feature him on the website that I'm writing for; and yet, I had decided against it for 2 reasons. The 1st is because of my respect of his wishes and the 2nd is because whatever that I would have written about him based on the information that he had lovingly shared with me would never, ever do justice to who he truly is at all levels. But I'd still wanted to write something about Hari - and so I was left with my own experience with Hari, with Love.
...
So the previous entry is about Hari, for Hari and for you. And this entry is about me, for me - because a lesson I have learnt.
...
Thank you, Navithar - for without your willingness to spread the love of Hari to humanity, my reaching out about Hari would have been limited. For your willingness to spread my sharing, I wouldn't have learnt this lesson - my fear of receiving, being gratified and meeting of others' expectations. Thank you for bringing me clarity about what I still need to work on within me.
...
Oh yes, and thank you darling hubby - for without your patience and your willingness to just listen and share; it might have taken me a longer time to acknowledge and work on this part of me.
...
Love. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment