A Guilty Day

I had a really really bad day today, and it was all related to one simple matter that could have been settled since last Friday - if, and only if I was mindful. :(

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Yeah, the mindless me. :(

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My uncle bought a new car which required some additional accessories to be fitted in the car before it could be insured. Being the kind and supportive uncle that he always is, he gave me the business. Unfortunately, I screwed it up bad time for him. So he was not able get his new car last Friday.

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So I thought that Monday (today) would do him good... Alas, I got a call from him informing me that a lot of things that went wrong. Luckily for me that he is aware of alot of things that were not right, and unluckily for me, I carried the guilt of all that went wrong. It was all my doing. My being mindless, my being not aware, my being careless and my taking things for granted. All my doing!!

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Although today I did a whole lot of things that could have made my day (which were unrelated to the new car incident), but this one guilt of not being able to address the issue for my uncle (because I was out and about) really ruined my every waking moment. Hubby even commented that I sounded like I was going to cry whenever I talked to someone on the phone about it.

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So, today he was not able to get his car and he had to get someone to pick him up from JPJ KL from waiting there the whole day for his new baby. He was not able to get his car again today, all because of me. :(

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Guilt, guilt, guilt... I tried not to beat myself for it and knew that there was no where I could run. I wanted to just text him my apologies just in case I would break down and cry if I were to talk to him, but I thought it was not sincere enough. Because although I was expressing an apology, I was still running away. Ooooh, this terrible mentality.. and ooooh, this judgemental attitude!!

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I still hadn't really calm myself down. But I decided that I had to do it anyway. I had to admit my faults... so I made the call, finally. Believe me, I was alright when I started apologising, but when he said, "it is ok, Gerry.. it is just a matter of time. At least you've learnt something from this", I nearly broke down. I was touched by his compassion and understanding for my wrong-doings. I know, if he could show me that kind of compassion, I ought to stop beat myself up for my ignorance too.

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I still feel a little down right now, despite having breakfast with hubby and Thea, going to check out Thea's schools for next year, test driving a Mazda 3, RX-8 and an Audi TT (supposedly my dream car). I am so down that I don't feel like eating and I don't feel like talking. Believe it or not, I don't even feel like taking my shower too (I know, I know.. I am a smelly cat).

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I now realised that I've never been kind to myself despite all the things I've done to convinced myself so; and yes, I am aware of where it is coming from. But I just can't seem to shake away from it no matter how hard I try - the idea of Perfection; or rather, Imperfection. Whichever it is, these ideas are killing me.

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The next moment, is a new moment. A moment where I can choose again. Although there is nothing much I can do for my uncle for now, there is still a tomorrow where I could do something. Gosh, always the 'doing' instead of the 'being'. Looks like I've not got it yet. :(

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ARGHHHHHHHHH.........................