Old Patterns

Old shit have been surfacing one by one... in a quite back-to-back experience too. I think they are probably from the same 'root', but don't matter.. the experiences all suck and the feelings are all shitty. So much of judgments, blaming, disgust, anger, irritation... goodness... it reminded me of the time when I was hormonely imbalanced (PCOS). Maybe, my period is just coming.. who knows, and who cares?!?!?!

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This whole phrase of what I am going through makes me feel very 'dramatic' if you know what I mean. Although on the outside I may seem calm, bored or alright in whatever context (cause I am still going around doing 'normal' stuffs), I can tell you that the turmoil within is turbulent!!! Again, don't matter, because it has nothing to do with anyone else. When I told hubby about how I was feeling, he tried to comfort me.. and so did Angel, but... it just doesn't work, like before.

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And amazingly, my usual 'willingness' to practice Forgiveness (the real type and not the old-fashion type) seemed to have disappeared into thin air!! It's like, gosh... so much resistance to even recite those words inside, what more say it!!

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Hmm... could it be that the ego is battling with the ego? well, whatever! I just don't feel like interpreting anything. Just want this phase to pass... maybe, it is just a passing cloud.. and all I need is to be mindful. I find it quite difficult being mindful to a kind of blurriness.. kinda takes an extra effort to watch it, if you get what I mean, because it feels like as if I am in a a dream state.

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Anyway, I am just ranting. Old patterns or new patterns, ancient or not, it is all happening NOW. So I've just got to embrace it and be with it... sighs.. it only it didn't 'taste' so bitter...