Thanks to one of the comments on my earlier post, I realised that my old patterns were probably due to 1 or 2 glasses of wine which I had consumed during the 3-weekend weddings. Nope, not exaggerating.. I really only drank THAT LITTLE!! Maybe adding to the fatigue factor (could this be the reason too?) due to lack of sleep, lack of exercise and lotsa lotsa stuffing myself with food!!
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Anyway, I realised now that I really shouldn't drink.. yeah.. I know, 'should' is such a violent word... The thing is, I was doing just fine without drinking until I started to question, what if... I just had a sip, or what if... I drank, for love?
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Obviously, it didn't work. Hari told me before that alcohol has a tendency of bringing up fears which is why he makes it quite strict for those who see him not to drink 24 hours prior an appointment with him. I never quite understood it.. and I guess as long as the mind has not experienced it, it is always on testing grounds.
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And yeah, so I tested.. and yups, Hari was right. Most of the old patterns started surfacing and projecting out for me to see what a victim cum rescuer cum prosecutor I could be, or rather, used to be (waitaminue, still am?!?) - all from the space of fear - ideas of unworthiness. And it was pretty strange as well, because instead of responding, I started to react. It was like, I couldn't just step back to observe what was coming into my space... everything was happening too quickly and too dramatically for me. Believe it or not, if I had been more willing to be mindful I think I wouldn't have acted out all the bullshit that ran through my mind!
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So since that comment from the previous post, and a night of not-so-seriously thinking about it, I've made up my mind that my wholesome and conscious mind is more important. It's just not worth it. Not at this stage where my mind is still pretty unwholesome compared to J.. hahha.. It was mentioned in the bible that J drank wine too right? Then how come he is not affected? OBVIOUSLY, because he is already one with God, and I have yet to be there!!
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Anyway, tonight (ooppss.. just realised that it is already 3:57am), sorry.. last night I met up with hubby at Uncle Chilli's, PJ Hilton after meditation. The occasion was one of his old friend's birthday celebration. Initially I told hubby that I didn't want to go because I had to finish up some work, but changed my mind and decided to join him anyway. It's been quite some time since we hung out together anyway.
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When I got there, the first thing anybody who first saw me was offered me a drink. Thank God hubby was protective and explained that I had quit (I told him about the comment on my blog and my decision about drinking this morning). Interestingly, not that hard to get off the hook when you are sure of what you want!! hehehe.. They accepted that I don't drink and were actually cheering with me as if I was drinking alcohol! Really funny bunch of people. One even knocked my glass and said, "here's to you not drinking!!" and as I sipped, I observed that he was watching if I was going to 'down' my glass of water! Really, it was quite an experience.
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You know what else is really fun - some of them were actually constantly asking if I was ok, and mind you, some of them were already like super high!! I was wondering to myself, "eh, shouldn't you be asking the other people who are actually drinking? I am the sober one here!!" When I revealed this to hubby later, he said this, "yeah.. I guess they are ok when they have drinks" and I replied, "and I am not ok because I am just drinking water?!!?" It was really hilarious!
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Drinks aside, the ladies were extremely friendly.. they made sure I was comfortable. Maybe they thought that I'd feel left out because I didn't know anyone there (honestly, I was comfy in my own skin and was just simply enjoying my water and the music). They periodically came over to me, tell me how drunk they are, how they are not going to eat the cake because they might put on weight and etc etc etc.. really, really a bunch of over-friendly people. And you know... I was only there for 1.5 hours, probably spoke less than 15 sentences and one of them wanted my number!! Amazing!!! She must have been really really drunk. hehehe.. But then again, sincerely, I appreciate her warmness. She looks damn good for a mother of 2!!
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From this experience, I learnt that I didn't really need alcohol to enjoy myself. I also didn't need alcohol to start shaking my bum-bum (just needed good music). I didn't need alcohol to 'fit in', to feel belong. I didn't need alcohol to make me feel free enough to finally take off the 'mask' to be myself. I could actually, just be me. In some ways, I am free. :) Kudos to me!
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Anyway, it's getting really late... opps.. really early I mean.. I just finished some typing work for for mom and BB so I am heading off to bed right now..
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Bye bye alcohol... You have served me well before, but I don't need you anymore. But thank you, for the wondrous time you had served me then. Much appreciation, but this, has just got to end. :)
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ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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