The Recovery & Relationships

I am feeling much better today. At least when I woke up this morning, I didn't feel dizzy, nauseous or even weak. The neck and shoulders are still aching a little but then the headache is gone. Isn't that great?!?

I very obediently took the chinese medication offered by the Chinese doctor. It only cost RM10. Cheap huh? On top of that, it is THAT effective - either that, or my mind has just decided to give my poor physical body a break.. hahaha..

Hubby worked yesterday, so he didn't pay much attention to me. Because when he came back, he 'had to' sleep; then when he woke up, he 'had to' go to the pasar malam (under my instructions, that is) which resulted me in going with him too because I wanted to spend some time with him but didn't materialised because my in laws turned up for dinner earlier than usual hence we all went to pasar malam together; then we had to eat dinner; then he 'had to' watch football; and I 'had to' go to sleep because I was feeling a little dizzy already.. :(

Made me realised that I have been yearning to want to spend time with him, and eventhough he is around me, I just don't feel that he is around me. :( 

And then before I officially closed my eyes to visit dreamland, I read. By Byron Katie, A Thousand Names for Joy: -

"If you say you love your husband, what does that have to do with him? You're just telling him who you are. You tell the story of how he's handsome and fascinating and sexy, and you love your story about him. You're projecting that he's your story. And then when he doesn't give you what you want, you may tell the story of how he's mean, he's controlling, he's selfish--and what does that have to do with him? If my husband says, "I adore you," I think, Good. I love that he thinks that I'm his sweet dream. How happy he must feel about that! If he were ever to come to me and say, "The sorriest day of my life was when I married you," still, what would that have to do with me? He'd just be in a sad dream this time, and I might think, Oh, poor baby, he's having a nightmare. I hope he wakes up soon. It's not personal. How can it have anything to do with me? I love him, and if what he says about me isn't true in my experience, I'll ask him if there's anything I can do for him. If I can do it, I will, and if it's not honest for me, I won't. He is left with his story.

No one will ever understand you. Realising this is freedom. No one will ever understand you--not once, not ever. Even at our most understanding, we can only understand our story of who you are. There's no understanding here except your own.

If you don't love another person, it hurts, because love is your very self. You can't make yourself do it. But when you come to love yourself, you automatically love the other person. Just as you can't make yourself love us, you can't make yourself not love us. It's all your projection.

When you truly love someone, a thought like "You should love me" just brings laughter to your heart. Can you hear the arrogance of that thought? "I don't care whom you want to love. You should love me, and I'll even trick you into it." It's the oppposite of love. If I think my husband should love me, I'm insane. Whose business is it whom he loves? His, of course. The turnarounds are all I need to know: I should love me, and I should love him. Let him love whomever he loves--he's going to anyway. The story of whom someone should love keeps me from the awareness that I am what I'm seeking. It's not his job to love me--it's mine.

There's nothing you can do with love. All you can do is experience it. That's as intimate as you can ever be with another human being. You can hug him, you can kiss him, you can pack him up, take him home, cuddle him, feed him, give him your money, give him your life--and that's not it. Love is nothing you can demonstrate or prove. It's what you are. It's not a doing, it can't be "done", it's too vast to do anything with. As you open to the experience of love, it will kill who you think you are. It will have no other. It will kill anything in its way.

Once you give yourself to love, you lose your whole world as you perceive it. Love leaves nothing but itself. It's totally greedy; it has to include it all; it will not leave out even a shadow of itself. And everything else falls away, and you're like a tree losing its leaves in autumn, so beautifully. Our pain is in denying love. A boundary is an act of selfishness. There's nothing you wouldn't give to anyone if you weren't afraid. Of course, you can't be generous ahead of your time. But when you meet your thoughts with understanding, you discover that there's nothing to lose. So eventually there's no attempt at protection. Giving everything you have becomes a priviledge.

The only true love affair is the one with yourself. I am married to me, and that's what I project onto everyone. I love you with all my heart; you don't even have to participate, so there's no motive in "I love you". Isn't that fine? I can love you completely, and you have nothing to do with it. There's nothing you can do to keep me from the intimacy that I experience with you.

When I say "I love you", it's self love. There's no personality talking: I'm only talking to myself. Love is so self-absorbed that it leaves no room for any other. It's self-consuming, always. There's not a molecule separate from itself. In the apparent world of duality, people are going to see it as a you and a me, but in reality there is only one. And even that isn't true.

The voice within is what I'm married to. All marriage is a metaphor for that marriage. When I make a commitment, it's to my own truth and there's no higher or lower. "Will you have this man to be your husband?" "I will. And I may change my mind." That's as good as it gets. I'm married only to God--reality. That's where my commitment is. It can't be to a particular person. And my husband wouldn't want it any other way.

Unless you marry the truth, there is no real marriage. Marry yourself and you have married us. We are you. That's the cosmic joke."

*Excepts from A Thousand Names for Joy by Byron Katie*

I know this is a little long, and I hope that you have read them word for word. This is definitely not the first time I've heard this. BB has repeated them to me many, many times.. and although I intellectually understand it, I cannot fully realise it yet.

Clearly, I am not loving to myself at this instance, which is why I think I need hubby to love me. Or perhaps, I want to love myself, but don't know how to, which is why I think I need hubby to love me. And then there's another part of me that argues, "he is my hubby! he has to love me! if not, get married for WHAT?!?!?! be together for WHAT?!?!?"

To be honest, I don't know. I don't know why people get married. I don't know why I got married. I only remembered that it seemed like a logical thing to do. And then after last year's experience, it made me realised that marriage is just a state of mind, and that I derive no additional benefits from being his wife other than: -

1. his money (cheh, even not married, he can still give me money right?)
2. status of a pilot's wife
3. free flight tickets
4. discounted flight tickets

Other than that, the marriage doesn't really seem to serve us in any other way. Because, all other things (besides Thea) remains either constant, or not - which is very similar to a couple relationship not married!

I also wonder at times... a couple fight so hard to live together, and yet when they are together, they experience sweetness for that few months, and after that, the monster side surfaces - as if, quite intentionally wanting to destroy the marriage which they had fought so hard for, with their own bare hands - and yet, blaming the other party for the failure.

I wonder, why is it so hard to take responsibility, why is it so hard to turn inwards, why is it so hard to question ourselves and make that change within us... why is it that although help, support or love is right in front of us, we can't see it, totally oblivious to what it can offer us...

There's truly no one out there except our own projections. When I remember that, it is easy to turn in the radar. But I too, forget.. what more the people who are not in the journey...