A Letter to a Beloved.

Dear Gerrard,

Are you there? Can you hear me? I miss you. I know, that it seems silly to even have these feelings, but I do although I am quite sure I am not missing you from the space of ever had you; more like from the space of could have had, but never had...

Gerrard, are you well? I know you are. You have never been hurt. It is me that carry the burden, that I had hurt you, I had gave you up. And you know Gerrard, just last Wednesday, when I spoke to Daddy, I realised that I had never really grieved over you. I had never fully cried for you, never fully got over you... And it has been now, over a year, yet this guilt, this burden, this hurt, this anger, this hatred - they are still so present right here in my heart, as if it happened yesterday... no, more like just an hour ago.

I remember the last time I saw you as a life... You were moving your little legs and your little hands, as if waving to me, saying hello to me so excitedly... and yet a few days later, I had to let you go...

I am sorry Gerrard, for not having the courage. I am so so sorry, for being such a coward. I was just too afraid to lose him, that I chose to let you go. I was just too afraid for things to change, to be alone, that I chose to forego you. At that time, I told myself that it would be for the better... it was a chance I had to take. And yet today, the guilt buries me. So deep, so painful, so real...

I know Gerrard. I know that you had come to me to tell me in so many ways, that it's all meant to be. I know, because even the Masters told me that we didn't share a fate together, or that your soul had not come in; but still, I cannot forgive myself. I still cannot let you go, eventhough I could rationalise it. And even if you came to my dreams a thousand times, a zillion times telling me, 'Mommi, I am ok. I love you.', how do I really know???

It is a cruel thing that happened. And, it was a cruel thing that I did. I chose, for my own selfishness. I chose, to revenge, and not love. Oh Gerrard, mommi is so lost... if only, Gerrard.. if only I was wiser then, if only I had the courage then... I would have you with me now, I would be holding you in my arms now, breastfeeding you, nurturing you as a life. I told Aunty Angel last night, if you were still here, you would have been 7 months and 3 weeks old... You would have been my pride and joy, just like your sister, Thea. If only, I have had the courage...

Daddy said the other day, that he is now ready to have another baby. But I am too afraid. I am too afraid, Gerrard. I don't have faith. I don't have trust. I don't dare to have another into my life. What if I failed again, what if I am asked to make that choice again, what if, I runaway again.. and what if, it is you again... how could I live with myself, abandoning yet another soul, or life... or abandoning you, twice?

I want to fully grief for you now, Gerrard, because I had never grieved. I want to fully cry, fully feel the hurt, the anger, the hatred, the sadness for losing you, because I never did that. I don't want to sweep them until the carpet anymore... I don't want to bury them anymore... because I want to honour you, and I want to acknowledge you, my son... 

I am sorry, Gerrard... I am so so sorry... and apart of me, I feel so sorry for myself, too. I am so sorry that I had let you go, and I am so sorry that I quickly buried you aside, and I am so sorry for pretending that I am healed, and well.

I am sorry for taking it out on Daddy.. for blaming him that he was the cause of my pain. I am sorry for telling him that I don't love him, or even treating him as if I don't... I am sorry for even thinking about leaving him... I know, I know.. that would have made your sacrifice, or rather my sacrifice... worthless...

Last night, I asked your sister, Thea, "Where is Gerrard?" and she pointed up the ceiling and said, "Overthere, mommi!" and I asked her, "Is he here to take care of you?" She shook her head and said, "no, mommi.. he is here to take care of you..." My heart broke to a million pieces, as if blown by a powerful canon. A spirit, your spirit, has shown me so much grace.

I feel you, Gerrard, I do. Sometimes I feel your presence around... it's like you're still here. Actually, I know you are still around. You have never left me. How could you leave me, when I hang on to you so tightly. So ironic, when I hang on to you, I hang on to Daddy and I ultimately hang on to my own guilt...

And yes, I love you. How could I not. I was so happy when I could see your heart beat. I was so happy when I knew you survived our little trip to Hua Hin eventhough I was bleeding. I was so happy, and at the same time sad, when I saw you waving at me during the checkup when I wasn't eating, drinking or sleeping... simply overwhelmed by the sadness, hatred and anger then... I prayed so hard on the operation table, that you would leave the fetus body just in case you would feel any pain. You did not deserve to feel any pain! You did not deserve what I was about to do to you! You did not deserve a mommi like me... Oh Gerrard, can you feel my pain... can you feel my sadness... can you feel my hurt... and how much I hate myself for it...

My heart aches so badly now, Gerrard.. my tears flowing.. it's been quite some time since I cried.. I hid behind such a strong facade... All just masks, to cover up the sightless part of me...

May you be well and happy, wherever you are, Gerrard. Thank you, for this journey... I love you... Mommi will always, always remember you...

Love, Mommi