Yesterday, a few people asked me again if I was planning for a second child. And today, whislt having dinner with Jer Lin, she asked me the same question, again. This topic has been surfacing in my hologram for quite some time now. I know, it is because these thoughts are swimming in my head too. To be honest, I ask myself again and again, if I am ready to have a child? Or, to be more true to myself, if, I really want to have another child.
After reading Mun's blog about Children, it reminded me of the times (which was pretty long ago) on how I've always never really wanted a kid. Serious. I love children and I am good with children, but nope.. I don't want any.
Of course, I always knew that children came with marriages. But at the back of my mind, I always knew I don't really want children of my own. Again, it is not because I don't love children or whatsoever. I just feel that it is not a safe world to bring up children anymore, and there are many children without parents whom I could love. That aside, 3 months after hubby and I got married, he decided he wanted a baby. I said ok, and got pregnant 3 months later.
Please don't get me wrong. Besides the whole pregnancy process, I love the experience of being able to care for Thea. She is my gem, my love. Since the day I took her home from the hospital, I fell immensely in love with her. I don't know how it happened, but it just did and after that, the attachment was so intense that my aunt Eileen made a comment about me once, "It is not she that cannot live without you, it is you who cannot live without her." That, I acknowledge. And I think, until today, it is almost the same.
Last night and today, I told hubby this - that there are a few reasons why I would want another child, and another few why I wouldn't want another child: -
Why I would want a child
- To correct the things that I did not do right with Thea
- To give Thea a sibling - companionship
- To 'make up' to Gerrard
Why I wouldn't want a child
- I've never really wanted a child of my own to begin with
- I never knew myself, so this time around I'd like to get to know myself first - you know, unlearn the old limitations and conditions which I had earlier lived my life prior to the inward journey that I've recently taken
Initially, I thought that I was afraid to have a child with hubby again, because of a past experience. Maybe it's still there, maybe it's not; I can't really tell for sure. But having another baby now or not, is no longer any of his concern - it's me now; meaning, it is because I want to have it, or not and not about him wanting another baby, and me giving in.
People keep asking me, "are you sure?" Really, I don't know. I just know that for now, I don't want to think about it. Well, easier said that done since in one of those moments or another especially when I see mothers with babies, the question pops up in my head again. What I mean to say too is this, I am not planning anymore, but if an accident happen by Divine's Will, then so be it and I will welcome it with all my head. BB once told me, "you think you have a say in this?" How accurately he has put it. It is not. So if it is meant to be, it will happen even without me planning for it.
I love Thea. And I love hubby. I love children and all the joy and the lessons and the reminders they bring forth to us, parents and adults. But at this moment, I'd rather explore other creations of God. My only regret, still, is not being able to hold Gerrard in my arms at this instance, and I know, if I chose to have a baby because of this urge, it would be once again, a wrong choice made.
To be authentic, I feel scared too by this decision that I stand by at this moment - not to have another baby. Because I am not THAT sure about how I'd feel about it in future - will I regret? will I be too old later if I change my mind? All I know is that for now, I am not ready for another. All I know is that, if I am ultimately blessed with one, I would love and care for him or her with all my heart, just as I did with Thea. No point thinking about the future when it is not here, when 'NOW' is all I have, right?
Many moments in a day, I find myself coming in terms with myself of what I think, what I feel and what I experience. Just like at this moment, it is already 3:19am and I still can't sleep. Sometimes, it is peaceful. Somtimes, I query. And sometimes, I hate it.. due to the limitations of the physical body.
So I don't understand this too.. why is it conditioned that a couple who is married must be blessed with a child to be complete? A monk at Chetawan Temple once told me this - Buddha said, "a woman only knows of true love, when she has a child". My guess is that he is referring to unconditional love. I thought so too.. because Mother's Love is supposed to be unconditional, right? And then Angeline wisely shared with me that even Mother's Love is conditional, and not unconditional - because that Love is only present because that child is yours, hence the conditional. Ironic. And yet, a mother's love is the closest that you could ever get to unconditional love.
It has indeed been, and still is a beautiful and wonderful experience - being a mother, that is. And, I would not trade it for another experience since I have already tasted this. But this also doesn't mean that I am asking for a repeat experience, no matter how other people tell me how different a second, a third or a fourth one may be. I am appreciative. grateful and happy with just this one, with my baby Thea. And really, that is enough for me, for now...
It's time to stop now. Good night. :)
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