Flying A Kite II

So it looks like we are at a flying kite phrase.. hahaha.. went to a different part of the park to fly the kite. This time, I remembered my camera. Enjoy the pictures... more on FB, btw :)

Thea begging Dada to let her fly the kite.

Thea flying the kite herself.

The flying kite.

(Sorry la.. no zoom lense.. :{ )

Thea saying, "wooooaaaaahhhhhh......."

Dada & Thea.

Nice shot, huh?

Thea helping Dada to roll in the kite.

She had fun today. So did hubby & I. :)

(Someone gotta teach me how to take more sharper shots of these kind of pics. Not enough light? Adjust shutter speed? Somebody??????)

The Siblings' BBQ

Had a BBQ gathering for the KOK siblings & their partners last friday night (26/6) for the fun of it. Hubby, Thea, Jon, Pauline, Bee & Prissy was present. However, Prissy came much later.

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This was hubby setting up the BBQ.

Bee helping hubby set up the BBQ.

Some parts of the dinner.

The BBQ.

Bee & I.

Jon & I.

The beautiful Pauline.

Stealing a shot with the Chef of the night.

I didn't get to take pics of Prissy because by the time she came, I was all cleaned up engrossed with AOD Channel 901.

The BBQ? Oh, company was great, music was great (from Bee's laptop & handphone - he was bluetoothing music to Pauline & I), but food sucked - except for the prawns. Because I marinated the chicken wings, steak and fish and they tasted awful, and Bee marinated the prawns and no one complained. ;p

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But it was a nice quiet night with the siblings. Only wished that the food was tastier.. :{

Estimation

Sometimes, I think there is something wrong with the angel's estimation. She somehow has a tendency of either over cooking or under cooking amounts of food. When there are not many people eating at home, she'd cook up a storm. When everyone is home for dinner, somehow... there just isn't enough food.. funny right?

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You know what she cooked for lunch today, in particularly for me?? 1 fried egg, 1 long sausage, 3 short sausages, 2 pieces of fried fish fillet and blanched broccoli. It was obviously too much, but due to my mentality of lack, i.e. not to waste food, I stuffed myself. When I later told her that it was too much, she asked me back, "but you finished right?" I admitted that I STRUGGLED to finish it and it was hard to stuff another piece of WHATEVER into my mouth! She laughed.

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Sometimes, I don't know if she is the boss or I am the boss... sighs...

Flying A Kite

You know what is one of the most amazing about having a kid? It is the opportunity to re-live your childhood. In my case, to experience certain things that I've never experienced before in my childhood. Believe it or not, besides swimming, lavish hi-teas and dinners, school and tuitions, I didn't have much fun when I was a kid.

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Since last week, Thea has been bugging me to buy her a pink kite. I continuously 'delayed' the mission because I don't know much about kites just in case, after buying it, she'd want me to fly it with her. That thought was just not very attractive to me. I remember being part of a team in school to make one for a school project but I did not literally participate in the project (as in not hands on making the kite). But I got a big fat 'A' because my team members did a really good job while my absence was excused (it's a long story related to my swimming days and not related to flying a kite so I won't indulge more in the sharing).

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Thank God hubby knows and has flown a kite.

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Yesterday was a pretty windy day. Hubby and I took Thea (actually more like hubby took Thea and I - haha!) to the park near our home where kites were being sold. We chose to stop by the stall with the most kites to sell and bought the most obvious kite that Thea would love - a pink kite with all the princesses' faces on it. Cost hubby RM18.

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Now, I've never really touched a real kite before what more fly a kite. So I stood by a corner just watching hubby trying to fly the kite and Thea excitedly following hubby shouting, "let me fly it! let me hold it!" It was very heartwarming to see such a sight, really. And when the kite doesn't seem to be flying so high and the wind doesn't seem to be blowing, I'd join Thea in blowing out from our mouths to help create wind! I wished I brought my camera...

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So hubby tried and tried to fly the kite on his own. It was pretty tough until he turned to me and asked me to hold it. It was my first time, but as I held it... it was an awesome experience as the wind scooped up the kite which aided the kite to fly from my hands! It was really a nice feeling. My first kite flying experience.. hehehe..

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We left the park feeling great. I remember observing the surroundings of the park and concluding that it was a nice place to hang out for families... nice space and jogging tracks. Families gather there just to spend time together by jogging, feeding the fishes in the lake or flying a kite. Some of them just walk and sit and talk. I told hubby that we could do this one of these days. Get a mat, tapau McD's and then sit by the lake for tea/early dinner - like a picnic! I remember Gladys suggested once 3 years ago, but I was too kiasu then because Thea was very young and mom was telling me about the chemicals in the grass la this la that la.. too much considerations! But I will try it one day. I've also never had a picnic before. Think it'd be fun.

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If not for hubby and Thea, I would not have had this experience. I am glad I tagged along with them. I guess there are some advantages marrying a typical 'kampung boy' who'd had all these kind of fun childhood experiences ;p... hehehe..

Watching Intention

This is something that... I must say is something known to me quite some time ago, but had not taken the effort to practise. But recently, I had diligently taken the responsibility to note my intentions of each doing and saying. Really, not easy.

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It's easy to be mindful of our bodily sensatives, movements and etc, easy to be mindful of our thoughts, easy to be mindful of the feelings that arised out of the thoughts that we hang on to or out of no where (where stories do not exist); but it's pretty difficult to be mindful of the intentions. That's where I am now. :/

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Why? Simply because it is such a grey area... or rather, a thin dotted line.

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Today, a friend called me. I won't quote her name here because I am unsure of whether I saw what was truthful in her space, but why I had decided to quote her example today is because her story inspired me to look deeper within.

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She called me and told me that her lesson now is 'Inconsideration & Compassion'. She shared with me that she saw people around her being inconsiderate. She noted of her judgments and thereafter... and I was thinking... since there is no one out there, surely that must be a reflection.. and if outer is reflection, then what message was in for her? I then blurted, "could it be your fear of being inconsiderate?"

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You see, this friend of mine is a beautiful, loving, kind, helpful and considerate friend. I pondered further on her behalf, if it was the fear of her being inconsiderate to others that she had judged others because they were being inconsiderate to her or to those around her? Similarly, she was being considerate to others (not that it is a bad thing!) because of a inner fear of being inconsiderate to others? Of course, I never got the answer because it was happening to her. And since I was not triggered by the 'inconsiderate' story, I recognised her invitation for me to join her for this experience.

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And then I started to ponder further within myself... consideration. We are considerate to others because we were taught that it was a great value to cultivate. But if we were being considerate out of fear of being inconsiderate to others - what we experience will then be others being inconsiderate to us. No, I am not saying that it is a bad thing. But that understanding led me to see that there is nothing wrong with being inconsiderate too, as long as it is unconditional - meaning, you don't do it to put others or you, up or down.

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During dinner, I asked hubby why he got irritated with this group of Middle Eastern people in LCCT. He shared that he judged them as being rude and inconsiderate. Again, I asked him, "do you have a fear of being rude and inconsiderate to others?" He pondered deeply. I shared my theory with him about 'there's nothing wrong with being rude or inconsiderate', but it seems that for us 'not to be rude or considerate from the space of fear is worst' because that fear reflects itself through our mirrors and triggers us! I don't know if he got what I mean, but I am not that bothered (if he understood) because it was only my understanding and I was merely pondering and sharing what I pondered.

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I tell you.. this mirroring thing is pretty tricky. So how is this related to intentions? Many. If I am watching my intentions, being aware of each intention whether it arises from the space of love or fear, I can always consciously change or choose my response. But like I said, it's tricky. I was just telling my friend that sometimes I get lazy and just find someone to point finger at or just react, but then you know, I end up laughing at myself because I can't seem to run from myself anymore! Funny!

Cough

Thea has been coughing for almost 3 weeks now. Just doesn't seem to be getting better. I brought her to see this Chinese doctor. Don't know la.. it's cheap la... and since he doesn't threathen Thea to open her mouth to see the conditions of the throat which makes her gag, she loves going to see him.

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The thing is, she is NOT any getting better!

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So much so, I think the haze has also gotten into me that I am feeling a bit funny right at my chest area and just below my throat (or is the whole area just my throat?!?). Anyway, decided to skip school for whole of this week already since schools are closing down. And I will take her to see a Western doctor already. When I am not there yet, I guess I still have to use illusion to cure an illusion... how wonderful these creations!

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Cough can be quite long winded. So for those of you experiencing the long-winded stay of a cough, do take good care.

The Guilt Behind Not Listening

Aaaahhhh... had another realisation...

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Remember the entry about the guilt of not listening to BB's advise for getting the book he suggested? I just realised that the guilt did not arise from not listening to BB. It arised from the non-guilt that arised from not listening to BB. Or rather, reclaiming my responsibility. Get it? Wonderful journey!

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See how guilt hides behind reasons that I don't think it is? Well, at least now that has been solved.

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Having said that, I am beginning to realised that my journey of awakening is getting tougher and tougher. It was easy before because whatever that was directly happening to me could be easily recognised. But now, 'indirect' experiences happening in my space, hence directing my experiences through my 'mirrors' are somewhat difficult to digest. Well, I guess it is another level of awakening. Observing what is happening outside and reflecting the inner world - wow... while recognising that it is all you - it's hard to pinpoint exactly which spot it is directing yet.

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Nevertheless... I am great, hence through my current willingness I trust I will be able to transcend all these to achieve elevating greatness within which will bring me closer to Home.

On the Right Track

I always loved seeing Hari. Yup, had a session with him this morning and as always, the session always turned out fantastic and wonderful. Walked out of the centre feeling... hmm... liberated?? hahaha.. a bit exagerated but somewhat true. :)

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So I am on the right track. Only that I was stuck because I was afraid my responses were my reactions. It's crazy, because now that I know that Truth I am afraid to experience the Truth! Absolutely absurb of me! I must say that there were many "phew...."s in me throughout the session. It feels great to know that now is the time to creative, and to create!

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So the mind IS pretty silent. Sometimes I can't really hear it. I note that. And sometimes I experience NO thoughts, and that brings me to the space of peacefully being with the emptiness. But then feelings of boredom arises because I am not contented with 'nothing to do'. Funny eh? And I am not saying that my mind is B-L-A-N-K (though many a times, I wished that it would just shut up!) when I say that it is pretty silent. Just not much dramas running in the head... if you know what I mean. And so, I am now told that it is time to fill the 'empty' cup with affirmations! Wonderful!

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BB once told us in a group sharing that positive affirmations doesn't work. That applied to me then because our minds (collectively) or should I just take responsibility for this little subset mind of the collective mind because it was FULL of SHIT! But now, it seems that the bulk of the shit (ahem, I don't mean shit as being bad here.. just explaining in a laymen context so that you'd understand), it is now time to train it with positive and loving affirmations.

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I used to have a thought that our minds are evil - fear based, ego based and etc... and that only the heart is good. But now I have a new understanding of the mind - it is in fact just a tool which has been programmed by default to help us get what we want. It incorporated all these fearful experiences/conceptions which inevitably molded the personalities of who I think I am because at that point in time, I did not know any better... or to put it truthfully, was still asleep. Not that it was there to harm me, but it was just doing its job. And my job, is to understand how it works, 'treat' it with 'anti-virus' and to reformat and reprogramme the damn hard disk!

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Really, the truth does get easier to grasp when you are willing and ready for it in the journey of awakening. There are only 2 laws - the law of fear and the law of love, quoted many times by Hari. They are neither good nor bad. We always perceive fear as bad, but fear can uplift both you and I to a higher level of love -if and only if, the intention is love. I guess while fear visits off and on, love always pulls me back. I didn't know that, and I give this acknowledgment to Hari for sharing that with me, and to myself for receiving that information.

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Kalai said the other night, "wah... Hari and Tuck Loon really made an impact on your life huh?" while I acknowledged that, I blurted, "I was the one who made an impact on my life because I was willing to listen and practice the teachings they shared with me." Egoistic? Well, I was shy after making that statement to tell you the truth. But when I was sharing with Hari this morning on the exact same thing, he acknowledged the same. BB always said, "In truth, we cannot help anyone. We only share our ideas with them, and if they buy into our ideas, we are still not helping them although it looks like it. In truth, they are the ones helping themselves because they bought into your idea to help themselves." Oooohhh.. do you see now why I love myself so much for having 2 such beautiful, loving and wise Teachers!!! *winks*

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You see, no one can help you or whatsoever. Whatever that could be said or done to you, has been said and done to you. It's the choices you make thereafter - to either listen or to shy away. I chose to listen and I choose to continue to be obedient to both my Teachers and Masters because I want to continue to make an impact on my life. While I am grateful to them for departing their knowledge and teachings to me, I am even more grateful to myself for having made that choice of being their student for my own growth...

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Love to both of you, my Teachers and Masters, BB and Hari. :)

Father's Day Present

Strange.. very strange... he gave us back the gift and cards that we gave him. My dad, that is.

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How do I feel? Hmm... funny, strange and hmm... hey guilt, where are you? Are you hiding behind funny and strange?!? *laughing*

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Whatever... it's just an experience. Is anger present? Hmm... can't really find it. Is disappointment present? Hmm... yes and no, I think it's subtle. Is understanding present? Hmm.... yes and no... guess the awakening state is not fully yet (OBVIOUSLY!!). Never told you huh? This happened before. Also father's day, in year... can't remember... but it was before I met hubby. Gave him a father's day card, he gave it back to me saying that I don't have a father and I threw it in the bin. Yup, in anger.

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Did I do the same this time? Nah... the gift is expensive ;p (but not the reason why I am not throwing it away!) and valuable. The card is, well... meaningful. I will keep them both. Perhaps one day, when I am able to transcend all these with more clarity, he will accept those gifts as a reflection that, that part of me has been healed...

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Happy Father's Day, dad.. I know, you either think we or you don't deserve to celebrate this overly commercialised ocassion and it's really ok. You are right, we don't need a Father's Day to celebrate having a great dad like you. But dad, only if you could feel what we feel towards you, then perhaps you'd know that we have never left you. We have always been there, in your heart; just as you are in our hearts. Well, at least in mine. Only if you knew... but it is ok, because I know, and I guess that is enough for now. I love you very very much.

Reclaiming My Responsibility

So it is Father's Day today. While I made plans for the fathers in my life, i.e. my dad and hubby; a part of me forgot that these were also parts and parcels of experiences in my life in order for me to grow.

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Let's talk about what I did for my dad first. I made plans to have dinner with my dad and my siblings. I was thrilled when dad suggested this Korean restaurant in PJ and made extra effort, consciously with love that is, to head to the restaurant to make reservations just in case they would be packed; since it IS Father's Day. After I made the reservation, he text us (as in the siblings) about an hour or two later citing his unworthiness to receive gratitude for being our father; at the same time seeking forgiveness and requesting for us all (the children) to leave him alone for a while. When I read the text, I admitted that I found it funny, watching the ego play its drama; but when I remembered that he (my dad) was reflecting me, a sense of guilt overcame me. When I had forgotten the game, I blamed myself for causing dad to be in such a state of unworthiness, deprived of a celebration that he so deserved for being the best dad he could be to his 3 children. But when I remembered that there was no one out there who was experiencing pain or unworthiness but me, the guilt and blame of 'causing' him the 'misery' vanished, because I knew that the only person I had to be responsible for, was myself.

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And in preparing a gift for hubby, I told him weeks back that I will get him a book since he is reading new age books such as The New Earth. These books help him in his journey of true self discovery. I know, the word 'true' is a little limiting here but at the very least, the knowledge which he readily receives, ponders and understands from the book does bring him glimpses of who he truly is - more than the label of whom he thinks he is. I started mind searching for a suitable book for this purpose. Indeed, my 'vocabulary' of books in this area is limited. Hence, during the CM's workshop, I asked my teacher, BB for his advice. BB, to me is someone who knows nearly everything! He suggested a book 'Broken Open' by Elizabeth Lesser (which is a book that he is currently reading and sharing with us through our Tuesday sittings). It is a book to encourage us to mindfully step into our shadows. While I agreed that is a part of the spiritual journey that hubby has yet to see, somehow my heart did not resonate with it. At that time, I remembered telling myself, "what does my heart know? my teacher BB knows better." So I proceeded in making plans to get the book for hubby.

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Guess what? Plans to go to Borders did not materialise, and MPH ran out of stock. Well, to put it bluntly, I could've have just made extra efforts to get the book - but my heart was not willing. Strange. So I looked around the shelves of MPH and caught eye of this book, 'Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life, Living the Wisdom of the Tao' by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. Strangely, this book made my heart tick. It's like, there was a calling of this book to be given to hubby. I took up the book and flipped it.

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Thoughts that ran through my mind were, "wow! the teaching of the Tao! This is what BB loves as well!"; "but BB said hubby is ready for Broken Open wor... how arr??"; "eh, BB is your teacher leh, he knows best. If you buy the other book (Dr. Wayne), it's like disrespecting BB! are you sure about this?"

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Ok, they were just thoughts. I stood still, in the middle of MPH to listen to what my heart has to say. The heart says, "no one knows your hubby better than you. why do you doubt?" So the heart says it's Dr. Wayne's book! I bought this one; but with guilt.

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The same evening was our Fun Book Club. As BB read,

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"Let's be clear. Being your own authority does not mean an authority for anyone else! It just means that you don't let any one else become an authority for you. Everyone is free to choose, including you. And everyone is responsible for the choice that he or she makes. How else could it be?

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Many people try to cross these clear lines of responsibility, but doing so only clouds their perception of reality. Don't be a glutton for punishment. Honor these lines and you will honor each other.

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First, understand that you are not taking responsibility for yourself when:

1. You let someone else make choices for you, or

2. You make choices for someone else.

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That is co-dependence. It is not empowering to yourself or the other person. It may appear to gain you a temporary advantage, but you pay for that advantage by forfeiting your freedom to choose your own life.

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It's great to listen to others and learn from others. Intimate sharing is essential to your spiritual growth. It gives you feedback that you can use to expand your perceptions. But others do not know what you need. Even psychics and other intuitive persons cannot tell you what you need to know. They may supply an important piece of information or they may not. Either way, you are the person who must use this information to find your peace."

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*excerpts from The 12 Steps of Forgiveness by Paul Ferrini*

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It was a validation to what I had earlier decided, concluded and done in the same morning. Although I realised that the act of choosing the book was simply an act of reclaiming my responsibility, I still experienced the guilt and fear of 'overthrowing' the suggestion that my teacher had given me. And this guilt had me beaten over and over again... I was so scared of losing my teacher in case I was learning faster than he could share (and I don't mean that he knows lesser than me, just sharing with me at a slower pace) that my mind would start taking control by acknowledging my own greatness, my own majesty.

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So the book is chosen right? And today IS Father's Day right? When hubby unwrapped the book, he said in surprised, "How ironic!! This is exactly the book that I am supposed to (I think he meant more like getting ready to) read!". My heart let out a sigh of relief - because I did make the right choice. Otherwise, he has shown once again his Godliness by manifesting for what he wants! *winks* And then it hit me... my teacher had simply taken the role to help me grow - to reclaim my responsibility by being my own authority of the choices that I make! How lovely the answers unfold themselves bit by bit.. like a budding flower, its petals blossoming bit by bit until it opens up fully... However, until I can desolve that guilt, the budding flower remains a half-opened budding flower, waiting for me to blossom it.

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You see, when I forget that there is no one out there - I run around in circles. When I remember that there is no one out there, and start questioning myself without giving myself the answer, wisdom unfolds by itself. It could be through an act of just watching tv, drinking water, wrapping a book or even while I am writing an entry in my blog - but the answers always, always come...

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So... until the answer comes, I shall stay present with you, my dear Guilt.. :)

Off Day

Today was supposed to be an off day for me. Off days means that I ought to have nothing to do, no plans and etc... didn't have to send Thea to school or to do anything 'urgent' that needed to be addressed - you know what I mean, right?

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Since it was my 'off' day, I made plans with Pauline 2 days ago that I'd accompany her to Maha Vihara (the Brickfield's temple) to collect marriage registration forms. Didn't turn out fruitful because the office girl who repeatedly called us 'sister' (made me feel good man!) explained that the 2 registrars based at Maha Vihara recently retired and they (Maha Vihara) were in the midst of applying for new ones. Ok, so no luck there. I then proceeded to PJ (with Pauline in the car) to run other errands before heading to the Subang Jaya Buddhist temple and subsequently to the Bukit Rimau Buddhist Society for the same reason. To enquire.

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In the midst of all that, I received a text from BB (Tuck Loon - shall refer him as BB from this day forth unless I forget) to bring forward a meeting that was meant to be held tomorrow. Since I had time, I agreed effortlessly.

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Arriving at his door at approximately 2:40pm, the experience of editing his latest book was utterly challenging for me. It was against my limiting beliefs!! I always had this 'principle' that I would try my best to ONLY edit the grammatical errors of an article but not reword or revamp the whole damn article. But he had his points. And he highlighted (which I already knew) that I had a fear of editing people's work because I had a fear of people editing my work! I guess the "I" always wants to retain and have its say especially when it is "MY" work right? Hah.. camouflage! Just another camouflage! I simply did not want people to edit my work or omit my writing style (safe for grammatical errors) because I did not want people to disregard my majesty! How arrogant, Gerry!! *tsk, tsk, tsk*

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Anyway, left it as there. Didn't dwell deeper. Already know where it comes - the sense of unworthiness. So as stated in one of the articles we edited today, 'still work-in-progress" lah!

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I didn't realised that time flew so fast. I had an appointment with Kalai at 6pm. My gosh, I was really running late! And yet, I stayed a little longer to tap some more wisdom from both my teachers (BB & his lovely wify, Lai Fun) - noted the kiasu attitude.. ;p

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Left BB's place, dropped some brochures at Clove&Clive for Angeline and shot back to KK in a jiffy. IN A JIFFY?!?!? I WISH!! Traffic was horrendous! I had to turn here turn there (luckily I was quite familiar with Kelana Jaya area) to somehow make it on the highway. By the time I arrived at OldTown, dear Kalai had waited for me for almost an hour!

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Ok, guilt was only mine. She smiled so sweetly when she saw me! It's like she was so glad to finally see me! And so was I! It was the first time meeting her and I gave her a big hug for her patience and for allowing me to be in her presence despite my disorder in time management. I was truly grateful. Obviously, the conversation hit it off. I had much to talk - erm, actually we both did.. hahaha.. it was fun!

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When we left each other's presence for the evening, I started thinking about something that BB and Lai Fun said this afternoon about me having a shift - of being totally expressive to being not-so-expressive. Well, it's easy to put a reason to it. It could be an experience that I had with a friend or two which had, subconsciously caused me to be more cautious when I speak; it could be that I just have nothing to say. In fact, hubby noticed the same thing - a silence in me. I noticed it too. It's not that I have nothing to say really, but then I really have nothing to say! If I am accepting everything outside perfectly as it is, how could there be anything to say? And if everyone out there is fine exactly the way they are, how could there be anything to say? And if, I am having judgments of someone having a problem, i.e. seeing him/her as a victim, rescuer or procecutor, lagi more I have nothing to say because all I have to do is just go back to do the process is it not? Ok to make it clear, I don't see everything perfectly as it is. There are times when I do get angry or irritated or upset - seriously, ALL the more reason not to say anything, right?

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Hubby said that according to Eckhart Tolle (did I get the spelling right?), I am in no-man's land. I have not read his book so I don't know exactly what he means but anything is possible, right?

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Gerry, Gerry... what is happening to you ar??

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But in some ways, I am glad that this off day has filled itself with plenty of experiences for me. Fun lah, get to do so many things at one day - especially on an off day!!!

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Sorry Gerry, tomorrow is working day. Eh, waitaminute... working day also can be fun what, righto? *winks*

The Motorbike Ride

Last night, we went to my in laws place for our routine family dinner. Before we left home, I was sharing with hubby that I felt bored (AGAIN!) - as if the body wants to do something - something different, new and exciting. He just laughed.

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So when we arrived at my in laws place and before he walked into the house, he mumbled that he was going to take my FIL's motorbike out for a ride. I looked up excitedly (from staring at the ground)with my eyes lighted up and shouted, "I wanna go too!!!!!!!". He turned around, gave me a smile and said, "come on, let's go!".

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After our greetings to my in laws, we left on my FIL's motorbike. Thea didn't want to come along despite the numerous offerings. It was awesome!! Romantic and somewhat exciting! I've never sat on a motorbike before and when I shared that with hubby, he was literally shocked but expressed his gratefulness that my first ride was with him. Felt like a virgin.. hehehe..

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Imagine, he was riding in front, and I was behind him. My arms wrapped around his waist as I pressed my *ahem* chest against his back.. wah... like those romance novels expression leh.. hehehhe.. As the air was quite stale around the neighbourhood, he brought me behind the neighbourhood where there was a large area of greens - simply wonderful. The air was cooling and fresh.. ahhh.... Feeling was just great!

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Well, in between the romantic ride, feelings of guilt and discomfort did arise - "eh, I am not the first one he rode a bike with wor.."; "he rode with his ex before" and blah blah blah.. sighs.. all thoughts of inadequacy. Before, I am quite sure I would have start swimming in those thoughts and started a 'war' with hubby! Instead, I decided, to consciously enjoy the experience and what was already there for me and at the same time, do the process of 'reclaiming my power' to dissolve the illusion of inadequacy which had, again and again before deprived me from savouring the every beautiful moment of my life. I loved the ride.

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When we got home from my in laws' after a sumptuous dinner, I went out for a puff thinking about the motorbike ride. Shortly, hubby came out of the house with his ciggie, sat down beside me and expressed again how wonderful he felt being able to experience my first motorbike ride with him. Felt so much gratitude... :)

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Also an experience - forgot to bring my camera to take a shot of us with the motorbike. But it was perfect anyway. It only leaves me with more opportunities to enjoy more motorbike rides with hubby in future, with my camera in hand. :)

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Or perhaps... just maybe... I'd be the one riding the bike, ferrying my hubby with his arms wrapped around my waist... aaaahhhhh... COOL!!!

I don't know if I can do it, but I guess there's no need to know.

I found my answer.

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I know. It's quite a short span of time to ponder on it. But after a heartwarming chat with Boon Ling last night and through her guidance of certain processes to ascertain what I truly prioritise in my space, I found out that while I would like to venture into something to proof my worthiness, I valued my own time and freedom with my family, loved ones and myself more. Aiks, shame on me! How could I not know that? *knocking myself on the head*

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And after great sharing with Boon Ling over the phone, I walked to my laptop and pleasantly found a reply from my great teacher, Hari. His answer, as usual, came in the form of a question. That brought a smile to my face and eased in my heart. His usual one sentence answer in question form (well, most of the time) always leaves my heart tickled in a sweet and joyful way. Don't know how to explain it, go see him and experience it for yourself! ;D

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So I got my answer, and validation from Hari. How wonderfully perfect! The whole creation of confusion of wanting to go back to rectify a past which I thought I screwed up! I could not remember then that all creations, whether good or bad was a journey for us to experience and to learn.. that was all. While it was a 'heroic' thought to rescue the apparently winding down company, I failed to see everything was perfectly as it was! Fantastic!

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Another of my great teacher, Tuck Loon, always reminded there is indeed nothing to do, or say; because as long as we work within ourselves - the outside changes and reflects the changes that we have within. I guess the opportunity presented in the form of 'reviving' the business was indeed just an opportunity for me to free myself from the guilt of failing and leaving Dreaming Daisies.

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To be honest, the story has not even started but the drama has played itself out in the head already... hahha.. oh this amazing, complicated, hungry-for-drama mentality...

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Thank you Dreaming Daisies - my creation for allowing me to experience the setting up a business, the heartaches of running a business and the withdrawal from it through failure of management. Really got me fooled there!

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Thank you Gladys - my creation of presenting me the opportunity to venture into the business again which actually was just an opportunity to uncover the guilt and shame that I've hidden within me for so long.

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Thank you Boon Ling - my creation for teaching me tools of weighing what is important to me and sharing with me your experiences that assured me that I am not entirely alone in this journey.

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Thank you Hari - my creation of a great teacher, who lovingly guides me, enlightens me and validates my heart's desires.

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Thank you Tuck Loon - my creation of a great teacher, friend and brother who lovingly shares his teachings with me, supports me in my journey in ways he may not even know... or perhaps, he does... :)

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Love you all. And most of all, I love and thank myself for creating ALL of you, the loving beings and experiences that surrounds, reminds, supports and guides me in this journey of self discovery...

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Love.

Can I do it?

An opportunity has been presented to me. There's many ways to look it.

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1) To reclaim my power.

2) To redeem my 'debts', i.e. guilt, sense of unworthiness, sense of failure. (actually this is almost the same as no. 1)

3) To play a game.

4) To share abundance that has been bestowed onto me in my past months of learning and accepting.

5) To practise the tools.

6) To do what I never had the courage to do.

7) To do things differently this time.

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Probably, the list goes on... but then, they are all just reasons or rather the maybes to either support my stand on the pedestal, or to confirm my sitting put at where I am.

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I said, "I failed!!" and they said, "How could you have failed? it has not yet closed down."

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And I said, "But I am not running it now." and they said, "You set it up and had it running first."

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Now I say, "Can I?" and they say, "Of course you can! It only takes love, courage and your willingness."

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So I ask myself, "Am I willing?" and I say, "yes... but I worry"

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And then they say, "you always worry... worry about where it'd end, when it has not even started. Can you just trust?"

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The mind wants to start planning of the days ahead in case I say 'YES'. And yet, my mind doesn't dare to run too far because it is dependent on my choice.

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The mind then starts to show visions of the routine I experience everyday in case I say 'NO' - Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays... Public Holidays? Oh, do they exist?

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So, if this was not meant for me, why was this presented? If, this was not meant for me, why did my heart skip a beat?

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But, if this was meant for me, why do I worry? If, this was meant for me, why do I hesitate?

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Clearly, the past experiences of the mind has created phobias - towards my being, my family and those around me. But are past experiences real? Do they exist? Or are they only real and exist because we hang on to the memory that blocks us from moving forward? Christopher Moon once said, "Past experiences are unreliable". Hari said, "The past experiences conditions the mind either with love or with fear, which either presents opportunities or blockages." Well, Hari didn't say it in exact words, but I understand what he meant. Past memories and experiences imprinted in the mind creates fear, and that hinders us from living life fully.

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I know, I have got my answer. And yet, I have to be very still to listen clearly to that inner voice - my heart, to what it is calling out for me to do, or not do. I respect my heart, and I want to listen to it. Because there is where I truly am - the essence of my being.

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So, where do I go from here? Do we become smarter now after the experience of failing before; or do we practice the saying, 'Once bitten, twice shy'?

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We'll see...

Beef Pot Roast with Potatoes & Dill

The angel said, "cook the whole day, but half an hour all eat finish already." That stopped me a while in the midst of preparing the roast. How true. But since I have already started preparing for the dish since 2:30pm, I was not going to give up.

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The recipe specifically said ovenproof casserole and 1 rolled brisket joint, weighing 3 lb 8 oz/1.6kg. I did not want to spend money on a casserole dish which was similar to the picture in the recipe book; so I used my corningware. And I could not find brisket joint even in cold storage; so I made do with rump steak.

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The turn out...

Seriously, quite delicious la.. hehehe.. even Inro said it was delicious.

Except that he commented that if a person's preference was to have their beef/steak rare, or medium rare, then it wouldn't have fit the criteria. I pondered deeply on his comment and decided that it could be the type of beef that I've used to try out this recipe (instead of brisket joint). The beef was nice, not hard, but somehow not that tender as well. Hubby suggested to reduce the cooking time, i.e. from 3 hours of roasting (YES!!! 3 HOURS OF BLOODY ROASTING and that does not include the preparation time, mind you!!!) to 2 hours. I kept quiet...

Seriously, whatever gave them the idea that I was going to do this whole thing again!! Started at 2:30pm, ended at 6pm and that was without the salad ok! Ya, I know - salad is easy but SO???

But then again, I might. Although the angel was right that it does take the whole day and only half hour to whallop the whole thing into the stomach, I guess seeing hubby and bro's faces and non-stop diggin' in made me pleased. Nevertheless, even if they were not pleased, it wouldn't have mattered. I cooked because I wanted to, not because I had to and I did it to satisfy myself. So was I satisfied? Hmm... honestly and truthfully, yes-lah. Can't deny the excitement when I witnessed how tasty it looked and turned out to be. Excellento!!

So this was the set up before the dinner. Took a picture for it for fun.

Prissy doesn't take beef anymore. So since I was also roasting chicken drumsticks for dad, I took the liberty to roast 2 chicken thighs for her dinner. Inro said the chicken tastes better. Of course lah! After 3-4 tries, still cannot make it then I should shelf the recipe already leh! haha.. but to be honest, the recipe is a combination of my own mixture and Heinz Honey Garlic sauce. *winks*

So here I am. The last day of the week (or is it the first day of the week?). School starts tomorrow and I am getting kinda excited for the experience of routine setting in once more. Happy schooling, kiddos! And have a happy week, adultoes (if there is ever such a word! hah!)

Jaclyn Victor

The first time I heard her sing was during the semi finals or the session before the semi finals of Malaysian Idol. She was good - damn good. And then I heard from hubby (don't think we were married then) that she was not selected to be in the semi finals or finals (don't know which is which) and then he complained about discrimination and blah blah blah.. and then I never got around knowing what happened to her except that she won the Malaysian Idol title.

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A few weeks ago during a casual and somewhat routine karaoke session with Gladys and Terri, Gladys put on one of her songs - Gemilang. Although the analogue was not on because Gladys was trying to sing the song (and I honestly don't know what she was singing - sorry, Gladys! ;p), but I felt that the tune was nice. So I told myself I must try to get myself her album to listen to it.

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Yesterday, I went to Carrefour for some grocery shopping at about 9am. When I arrived at the 2nd floor (the stationery floor), I observed that there were sections that were offering CDs and VCDs at RM10.00 each. I pushed the trolley one side with intentions to ransack the rack to see if I could find anything I liked. And there it was, I found a few but only decided one for final purchase - Jaclyn Victor.

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Listening to the CD - her voice and her emotions put into the tune that brought out her voice (or was it the other way round?), it was amplifying... I can't say that I like all the songs in the album, but listening to her voice brings tears to my eyes and touches my heart. I felt so proud of her; her courage to bring forth her beautiful voice and talent to public to share her gift. It's simply astonishing.

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I keep listening to her songs the whole day, well actually more like as often as I had the chance to. Even shared it with hubby and acted out to Thea as if I was Jaclyn Victor singing to her.. hahhaa.. she looked blur, wondering what I was doing and asked me innocently, "mommi... what are you doing????" hahaha.. it was hilarious and cute..

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Inro says I am out-of-date. Well, I acknowledge that. But hey, that is not going to stop me from enjoying one of the most beautiful creations in this illusionary world right... *winks*

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Well done, Jaclyn! And thanks, Gladys! :)

The Disappearance.

So I've heard that I seem to have disappeared from the face of the earth. No emails, no chats, no phone calls, no smses... I know.. it's as if I didn't exist. If not for people's memory of the existence of a 32 (already?) year old woman - Gerry, I guess perhaps I would just gone unnoticed...

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Hah! You wish, Gerry Kok!! It doesn't work that way!! ;p

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So, I have been out of touch. Let me tell you why.

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Firstly, thanks to my faithful modem - I was experiencing slow or possibility nil internet connection for the past 2 weeks. Suspected it was the internet speed and since my brother, Inro suggested an upgrade, and hubby agreed on the upgrade, I did the calling and went to the shop for the upgrade. Strangely, it did not work either. So we were internet-less until Inro suggested that it could be the modem acting up. As darling as he is, he brought back a spare unit from office to examine that possibility and V-I-O-L-A! He was right!! (and because of that, claims that he is God - what a wonderful way to remember who he truly is!) So of course, it took time to get those network settings and passwords or whatsoever which I had absolutely no idea of in place- I left it to my hubby, who left it to Inro to set it all up. Fantastic! So now I am back to being a computer addict (have been sitting in front of my laptop for 2 hours just to read ALL my emails and ALL the updates I've missed out with an in btw break of a mini-durian feast in the kitchen ;D). So I apologise for my MIA. Purely unintentional yet a wonderful experience of not being connected to the WWW.

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Secondly, anyone who stepped into my house for the past 2 weeks experienced difficulty in calling and receiving calls from our mobile phones (only applicable to Maxis subscibers). Yes, we all thought the same - Maxis could be upgrading. So we were patient with the 'upgrade' for a few days and then it lasted longer than we expected. Inro said, "cannot be la.. this is only happening in your house, jea!" Hmm... strange. So I called Maxis I think 3-4 days ago to inform them of this inconvenience that we were experiencing. The network problem somehow seemed to have gone away after 2 days I called Maxis and they were so courteous to call me yesterday to check with me if I was still experiencing the inconvenience. They explained that there was indeed some network problem but only occurred in Kota Kemuning (actually, only my area). Cool, so now it's rectified! But since no one called me, I called no one - except Angeline.. hahaha

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Thirdly, I attended Christopher Moon's workshop recently in the first week of June. I expected myself to cry and cry and cry during the workshop(that was what happened in previously) but found myself laughing a lot more. Lai Fun commented that my facial expression never changed throughout the workshop and that I looked very serious. Well, I was having 'fun' being serious! hahaha.. Anyway, after that session, I called Hari for a session which manifested last Tuesday. Somehow after the session with Hari, I seemed to be on a still mode. I don't know how to explain it. It was as if, I was neither happy nor sad; neither up nor down; neither here nor there. I felt extreme boredom, directionless and erm, a bit motionless too. Didn't feel like talking, or laughing, or singing, or dancing, or cooking, or even going out. AMAZING!!! But it was not like I was depressed or had anything in my mind or anything like that. Hubby kept asking me, "are you ok? are you depressed? how come you are so quiet?" That's the thing! I didn't feel like doing anything and yet, the feeling of experiencing the boredom, directionless or motionless mode was equally cool too! So that was how I was for the past 1 week. Quiet and still.

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Until yesterday, I went for facial. I was lying there, with mask on my face. And then I remembered Hari saying, "Gerry, you can now create anything you want..." well, of course he didn't say it in exact words but something like that.. so I decided to play a game. I told myself "I am living fully, lovingly, happily, joyfully unconditionally." I just kept citing that in my head and the events and energy that I had the remaining of the day was ecstatic!! I was dancing, singing to Thea and Jason and to myself, sobbing with appreciation listening to Jaclyn Victor sing her tunes, talking non-stop to hubby, roasted chicken and etc etc etc... fantastic! hah!

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Guess what? I cooked today, and am cooking tomorrow too.. hahaha.. guardian angel is having a fun time watching me in this mode..

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Anyway, that's the story behind the disappearance. I have much more to update as I feel my heart swell but this entry is getting a little long. Since the internet is not going to fail me for a very very very very very long time (plus the fact that it is now speedier due to the upgrade), I ought not to act like a kid who is not going to get her candies anymore. But... Ooh...., I must say this before I pen off (or rather type off!), I FINALLY know how to take photo shots of objects moving!! I wasn't able to do it earlier and the outcome of the pictures kept turning out blurry.. but I finally got it!! YAY!!!!!!!!!! Will post them up on FB soon. :)

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Nighty night... and remember, live fully, lovingly, happily, joyfully unconditionally...

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Love.