So it is Father's Day today. While I made plans for the fathers in my life, i.e. my dad and hubby; a part of me forgot that these were also parts and parcels of experiences in my life in order for me to grow.
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Let's talk about what I did for my dad first. I made plans to have dinner with my dad and my siblings. I was thrilled when dad suggested this Korean restaurant in PJ and made extra effort, consciously with love that is, to head to the restaurant to make reservations just in case they would be packed; since it IS Father's Day. After I made the reservation, he text us (as in the siblings) about an hour or two later citing his unworthiness to receive gratitude for being our father; at the same time seeking forgiveness and requesting for us all (the children) to leave him alone for a while. When I read the text, I admitted that I found it funny, watching the ego play its drama; but when I remembered that he (my dad) was reflecting me, a sense of guilt overcame me. When I had forgotten the game, I blamed myself for causing dad to be in such a state of unworthiness, deprived of a celebration that he so deserved for being the best dad he could be to his 3 children. But when I remembered that there was no one out there who was experiencing pain or unworthiness but me, the guilt and blame of 'causing' him the 'misery' vanished, because I knew that the only person I had to be responsible for, was myself.
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And in preparing a gift for hubby, I told him weeks back that I will get him a book since he is reading new age books such as The New Earth. These books help him in his journey of true self discovery. I know, the word 'true' is a little limiting here but at the very least, the knowledge which he readily receives, ponders and understands from the book does bring him glimpses of who he truly is - more than the label of whom he thinks he is. I started mind searching for a suitable book for this purpose. Indeed, my 'vocabulary' of books in this area is limited. Hence, during the CM's workshop, I asked my teacher, BB for his advice. BB, to me is someone who knows nearly everything! He suggested a book 'Broken Open' by Elizabeth Lesser (which is a book that he is currently reading and sharing with us through our Tuesday sittings). It is a book to encourage us to mindfully step into our shadows. While I agreed that is a part of the spiritual journey that hubby has yet to see, somehow my heart did not resonate with it. At that time, I remembered telling myself, "what does my heart know? my teacher BB knows better." So I proceeded in making plans to get the book for hubby.
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Guess what? Plans to go to Borders did not materialise, and MPH ran out of stock. Well, to put it bluntly, I could've have just made extra efforts to get the book - but my heart was not willing. Strange. So I looked around the shelves of MPH and caught eye of this book, 'Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life, Living the Wisdom of the Tao' by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. Strangely, this book made my heart tick. It's like, there was a calling of this book to be given to hubby. I took up the book and flipped it.
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Thoughts that ran through my mind were, "wow! the teaching of the Tao! This is what BB loves as well!"; "but BB said hubby is ready for Broken Open wor... how arr??"; "eh, BB is your teacher leh, he knows best. If you buy the other book (Dr. Wayne), it's like disrespecting BB! are you sure about this?"
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Ok, they were just thoughts. I stood still, in the middle of MPH to listen to what my heart has to say. The heart says, "no one knows your hubby better than you. why do you doubt?" So the heart says it's Dr. Wayne's book! I bought this one; but with guilt.
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The same evening was our Fun Book Club. As BB read,
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"Let's be clear. Being your own authority does not mean an authority for anyone else! It just means that you don't let any one else become an authority for you. Everyone is free to choose, including you. And everyone is responsible for the choice that he or she makes. How else could it be?
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Many people try to cross these clear lines of responsibility, but doing so only clouds their perception of reality. Don't be a glutton for punishment. Honor these lines and you will honor each other.
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First, understand that you are not taking responsibility for yourself when:
1. You let someone else make choices for you, or
2. You make choices for someone else.
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That is co-dependence. It is not empowering to yourself or the other person. It may appear to gain you a temporary advantage, but you pay for that advantage by forfeiting your freedom to choose your own life.
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It's great to listen to others and learn from others. Intimate sharing is essential to your spiritual growth. It gives you feedback that you can use to expand your perceptions. But others do not know what you need. Even psychics and other intuitive persons cannot tell you what you need to know. They may supply an important piece of information or they may not. Either way, you are the person who must use this information to find your peace."
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*excerpts from The 12 Steps of Forgiveness by Paul Ferrini*
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It was a validation to what I had earlier decided, concluded and done in the same morning. Although I realised that the act of choosing the book was simply an act of reclaiming my responsibility, I still experienced the guilt and fear of 'overthrowing' the suggestion that my teacher had given me. And this guilt had me beaten over and over again... I was so scared of losing my teacher in case I was learning faster than he could share (and I don't mean that he knows lesser than me, just sharing with me at a slower pace) that my mind would start taking control by acknowledging my own greatness, my own majesty.
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So the book is chosen right? And today IS Father's Day right? When hubby unwrapped the book, he said in surprised, "How ironic!! This is exactly the book that I am supposed to (I think he meant more like getting ready to) read!". My heart let out a sigh of relief - because I did make the right choice. Otherwise, he has shown once again his Godliness by manifesting for what he wants! *winks* And then it hit me... my teacher had simply taken the role to help me grow - to reclaim my responsibility by being my own authority of the choices that I make! How lovely the answers unfold themselves bit by bit.. like a budding flower, its petals blossoming bit by bit until it opens up fully... However, until I can desolve that guilt, the budding flower remains a half-opened budding flower, waiting for me to blossom it.
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You see, when I forget that there is no one out there - I run around in circles. When I remember that there is no one out there, and start questioning myself without giving myself the answer, wisdom unfolds by itself. It could be through an act of just watching tv, drinking water, wrapping a book or even while I am writing an entry in my blog - but the answers always, always come...
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So... until the answer comes, I shall stay present with you, my dear Guilt.. :)
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