Have you ever wondered about your progress in life? How does it make you feel, when you start reading someone's blog, or while chatting with someone; you inevitably find out another friend of yours was say, learning to drive; cooking; taking up a new hobby and doing really well in it and etc?
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Does it make you happy for that person? Or does it make you surprise? Or perhaps, make you reflect on yourself how others are progressing in their lives, improving and empowering themselves while you seem to be stuck right where you are?
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For example, losing weight. You'd tell yourself, "argh.. will do that after the 2nd or 3rd or 4th child." or "argh... next month first la" and etc. And then one day, when you attend a gathering, you'd find that one of your friends, who had given birth to more children than you, much later than you; had lost weight and nearly back to her pre-pregnancy weight. And you can't resist but look at yourself in the mirror.. gosh.. the bulges.. do they ever go away?
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Or... when you are a housewife, thinking that what you do now is for the family - mending the house and etc; when in fact, there is a maid already present - doing all that a housewife is supposed to do. And then you read someone's blog, that a friend is starting work in a new place with bigger pay checks, greater benefits, better career path; or a friend learning to cook, or to bake; you start questioning yourself, "geez... what am I doing? I don't clean, I don't bathe or feed the children, the dogs or for that matter, even the fish! And I definitely don't cook! OMG!!!!!!" And then you wonder, are you really wasting your life away? And then you tell yourself, "hmm.. maybe I will start doing this and that to be more useful.. but wait, I don't have the resources.. so maybe later.." and then the whole procrastination process starts again.
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Am I a victim? haha.. by writing this blog, it certainly seems as if I am putting myself as one! Amazing! But what do I really want? Seeing the people around me progressing.. really, it is great and I am truly happy for them... but it also reflects back to me the question of, "Am I too progressing like them?" Hah! Caught you! Thought of comparison!! Shame on you!!
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Again, it is truly shameful? Nah.. it is just a thought.. see how my mind battles within itself to complicated and entertain me? hahaha!
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Anyway, yes... I have progressed. I may not have progressed in my career; my cleaning; cooking; bathing and feeding the child (because I am already an expert in this though I do admit my lack of patience in the latter ;p) and etc... but I have indeed progressed in the inner space within me. First things first, I have come to accept more of myself; the good, the bad, the beautiful and ugly. Not yet fully... but the qualities are emerging slowly and I am embracing them; one by one. This is indeed my latest progress.
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And I've also progressed in my relationship with hubby and some others. It has not only gotten better but it has brought a lot of understanding and awareness to me that we need not have the same character, the same interests, the same whatever... to love and to respect one another. The freedom to grow is one of the best gifts you could ever give a partner, a family member, a friend or even a child. That is how I have progressed thus far.
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I am indeed still learning. And this progress is my own to behold, to experience. Although sometimes uneasy feelings surface, I have also learnt to embrace them; because those uneasy feelings also teaches me a thing or two that I have not yet reflect deeply in my life.
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Thank you for the cycle of progression, procrastination, and progression... :)
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