ME!! BAH!!!

I literally feel like pulling my hair out of my head, bang my head against the wall and etc etc.... I know, I know.. sounds a lot dramatic when I word it out, but if you were to see me now, I am as calm as a cat - only that the mind is playing rounds and rounds of scenes of self abuse.

Upset, jealous, disappointed, unwelcomed, angry, pissed, sad, unhappy... yeah... you name it, I've got it. These are the roll of emotions swimming in the mind, in feelings at the moment. Grrrr.....

I witnessed something today. It is not unpleasant, really. It was just... really, in a reality, a 'pleasant' surprise, but the mind obviously did not let me go in that direction. Oooohh... I could hear it in my head then as I walked away, "What I am?"; "You fool!! How ignorant of you!!"; "See? See?? See how unworthy you are? See how you have been tricked again and again? Just to be fooled again?"; "Hahahah!!! You mean, you actually thought you were loved???? They loved you???? WHO COULD EVER LOVE YOU???? Muahahhaa...."; "You are alone babe!"; "Nobody likes you, everybody hates you, you're gonna eat some worms... hahaha"; Oh those cruel, cruel thoughts.. sent my blood boiling I tell you. And, retyping this again, makes me feel like crying... :(

Naturally, the first instance was to blame... always blaming, always so unwilling to look at the 'shit' within. As I ordered my sandwich and teh tarik, I sat down, watching the prosecuting mind and then decided, just for 2 seconds, that I ought to be calm. And then I heard the gentlest voice, "There are no friends. There's only You." It was so gentle that I literally blinked a few times (yes, I was aware of the blinking). I finally settled down, ate my sandwich, read 'Breaking Dawn' a little before being interrupted by hubby's phonecall.

I told hubby about the upset feelings. He asked me, "do you want me to a husband who supports you and bitch with you, or do you want me to be a spiritual husband?" I laughed. I told him it was fine with me either way (because I was aware that in any way, they were both my creations.. lols). So he started...

the suppotive & bitchy husband... "in the level of form, yeah.. they should have called you out of courtesy la..."

the spiritual husband... "in phase 2, you know you created everything, just dive into the feeling and see what's there..."

Sighs... what would I ever do without hubby... lols...

While that made me feel a wee tiny weeny bit better, I called Angel still after my teh tarik as I looked around for a birthday present for Siang. Surprisingly, she shared that she experienced the same thing I'd just experienced!! I laughed so loud!! "So, it looks like we are stuck together huh?!?" Of course, I was only kidding... we both just felt left out. But we know, it has nothing to do with anything that had happened. It was just us anyway, just us all along.

If you asked me now, yeah I still feel upset. I guess it is because I am not in the right understanding yet. But, there was a glimpse earlier on the way home - as if, seeming to imply that... I am pissed off with my own ideas... the ideas that I was still hanging on to with regards to certain friends in my life - or perhaps, the concepts of best friends, close friends, very very good friends, angels, whatever... and the people that I associate those concepts with. Yeah.... I've been through that one before. So many times... So, looks like there are still residual pieces that I'd still need to deal it.

I wonder, why does the mind like to be attached to concepts, and then associate people with concepts. Ahh... what irony, why wonder when I already knew the answer? The "I". As Byron Katie query, "Who would you be without your story?" That's right, who would "I" be without a story, without "my" story...

Pathetic.