Reclaming Self

Yesterday was really a turbulent. It was a mixture of shame, sadness, anger, hurt, love, appreciation, support and encouragement. I purposefully worded out the negative emotions first because I understand that it is these emotions which are usually more overwhelming then the others in anyone's world, including mine. But when I sit down, and recall the many comments of support, love and encouragment instead (although not put forth in the comments section of the particular entry), I then become overwhelmed with appreciation and love.

I questioned my inner world if these were the reflections of my mind. While I acknowledged some fears were valid, I did not understand others. I asked if this was a sign to stop writing, if I wasn't doing any good to others, especially myself. But the messages I received with love was not it, and I knew that this was an obstacle necessary in my journey to break free from the many other bondages the mind held. I could take the easy way out - either to stop writing, or to limit myself expressions in the writing if I could not contain the passion; if I wanted approval. I am aware that I am not seeking for approval; neither is my wish to run away. Running away would only deter me further from what is there for me to reclaim of myself - the false ideas of the self and to forsake the True Self which has always been present, whole and complete.

Since completing the Stephenie Meyer's 'Breaking Dawn' when I couldn't sleep last night, I was inspired to pick up Paul Ferrini's 'Embracing Our True Self' this morning. It was a birthday gift from Angel. I have yet to touch the first chapter, but as I read his preface earlier, it encouraged me further that my choice to deal with the 'crisis'es or triggers in my life are the way to go. That is, to face it head on, instead of sweeping under the carpet, and that can only be done (in my way of practice anyway) through mindfulness, being aware of what comes to me.

I share with you here, the excerpts of Paul Ferrini's preface in his book 'Embracing Our True Self': -

"... the necessity of healing of our deep childhood wounds as a prerequisite for understanding who we are and what we have come into this life to do. It makes it clear that we cannot meet our True Self until we heal our trauma, correct our erroneous beliefs about ourselves, and dissolve our reactive behaviour patterns.

     Our healing process helps us realise that in order to meet our True Self, our False Self must die. This ego death experience creates a psychological and spiritual crisis in our lives in which we are asked to surrender our ego agenda and meet our fears head on. It invites us to get in touch with our core wound and heal our shame and unworthiness.

     To grow, we must go through this crisis. We have no choice. The old ways of living no longer work for us. We know we have to stop allowing fear to run our lives. We know we have to stop betraying ourselves. We can no longer live the life that others want for us. We can no longer live out of sacrifice or guilt. We have to let go of all that. We have to risk being ourselves, regardless of how scary a proposition that is."

*Excerpts from the Author's Preface of Embracing Our True Self by Paul Ferrini*

So many beautiful beings have appeared in my hologram for this lesson, and I am grateful for it. "Love always call you back" I remember Hari telling me this once, and I know that I cannot give in to this self-betrayal. So what if some people have misunderstood my sharing and judged me through their perception of my entries. It does not matter. Because ultimately, that does not define me. What triggers me, is mine alone and my responsibility to clean up the mess.

A lot of people go through self-help programmes or sessions with facilitators and they think that they are fully healed. I'd say that they are healed from what they are aware of. How about those that are hidden in the subconscious, which are surfacing everywhere around us but we are unaware of? How could one be completely healed unless one who knows the Truth, and the absolute Truth. I explained to a dear friend yesterday, that an inward journey is like renovating a house. It takes time. Some takes 2 weeks; good for them. Some takes years, and even lifetimes. If not, compassionate beings would not return as Masters, lifetimes after lifetimes, to share the Truth, to support our journey to the Truth.

I go through life just as everybody else do. Just because I respond differently and express myself not in the same way that anybody else would do, doesn't mean I am any different from anyone. I just chose to do it in a way that doesn't restrict me, that frees me. I just chose to do it in a way, that empowers me.

And what I can share from my experiences and realisations of my lessons, my journey is that as I identify the layers and layers of false ideas of who I think I am or who others think I am, I grow a litte bit more with love, appreciation and gratitude in my heart. I begin to enjoy my relationships with my parents, my siblings, my hubby, my child, my teachers, my friends even, even more. I begin to enjoy my relationship with myself even, even more.

Another beautiful angel, Kavitha text me last night,

"Known is a drop, unknown is an ocean. It's the known drop that you are sharing with everyone. There is no wrong or right, people will receive what they are ready for..."

Love always call you back... how touched I am as this sharing from Hari echoed in my mind, again.

Thank you, wise teachers and loving angels. I will continue to hold the fort.