Hiding Behind

Hari told me a lot of things that I had thought and doubted about; but didn't want to face. Thus, I was missing the mark on my own accord. It was not ignorance or lack of knowledge that had resulted in my not doing it (facing it); but my belittling of myself (which is also due to ignorance) that I had did it (face it). I didn't have courage to face it myself you see, afraid to see how ugly or imperfect or unpure I was. Of course, that could never be entirely true. These were all just ideas, and limiting beliefs. I failed to see that in those moments of ugliness, imperfections and impurity, I'd still be as beautiful, as perfect, as pure as I am. How else could I be - perfect in being imperfect? I failed to see that it was just an experience that I was going through, believing it so real that I am the mind, I am the body.. listening to each and every thought that comes by, falling into my own trap. I failed to love the experience... to see it for what it is, and nothing more.. I judged myself, and was so hard on myself, thriving to live up to another misconcept that I had created for myself. It was hurting to hear and to acknowledge.

For the really first time, my tears fell. They were uncontrollable despite my subtle wanting to control them. But they just flowed freely, as if being released. But were they sad tears? I don't know. They were a mixture. They were tears of release, they were tears of gratitude, they were tears of love. Even after the session with Hari, as I went up to the altar to pray, tears just kept wanting to flow. Even during my drive to pick Thea up from school.

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The main highlight was of course a past experience several weeks ago, where I had perceived that I had a misunderstanding with a very good friend, to be followed by nasty comments on one of my earlier blog entry. Of course, as I acknowledged the faulty idea that I had of 'best friends' (with relation to the good friend matter), I have to be very honest today that I judged her, and yes, I do feel anger towards her. And for that, I became (or maybe I've always been like that) afraid of being judged.. hence the nasty comments aftersuit. How wonderful the reflections, showing me what I fear most, manifesting on its own, by me - the Creator.

Coming back to the good-friend matter, I also know that the anger that I feel (although the mind seemingly point outwards towards her) was and still is only, my own anger. Entirely nothing to do with her at all. I am afraid to be embarassed, afraid to be weak, afraid to be vulnerable. Many a time, I speak as if I take fully responsibility. While I do, there are instances where I'd run away (and I don't mean physically), or hide them under the carpet for they are just too, too shameful and hurtful to face or deal with. So this was one of those instances, where I dare not face my own shame, my own hurt... and I tug them neatly under the carpet. I pretended that I was so 'spiritual', turning the radar inwards.. but I could not lie myself. I WAS DOGGONE PISSED!! And, I was so so unwillingly to see WHY I was pissed, or more rightfully to investigate why the faulty idea had caused me anger. I just wanted to remain pissed!! More correctly, remain 'right'!

On the outside, I try my best to be cool, to wait for her response, so that I could let go of this anger. Ah, what a trick!! How could whatever she does or doesn't do pissed me off except my own ideas of things? my own perception?? You see? You see? I know it!! but I am just so unwilling to investigate it!

I thank God now that we hadn't really 'made-up' in my mind. You see, everything is happening in the mind. To feel pain, is to deviate from what is. To deviate from what is, is not accepting reality. And you know what, that's pain. In order words too, I am not loving this moment. How cruel to treat myself that way!

And there are questions now that is popping up, "Can I accept myself being pissed with her? Can I accept myself being pissed with myself? Can I just accept what is there for me, at this moment and just BE in the moment, without judging myself?"

Yeah. Possible. Actually, that sounds like a way to Peace.

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And I want to remind myself to always be honest with how I feel. I want to remind myself to always be truthful to myself. Or else, who did I think I was writing these entries to, except for myself?

P/S: Thank Me for IRAH. Love. :)

Namaste.