The Quick Defense

The other day, I saw how I so quickly defended myself when someone comments something about me which I deem as untrue. Untrue, because I think I am not what they think me to be.

My MIL commented that I will not be able to live without a maid when I said that once my dogs die and guardian angel decides not to renew her contract, I would move to a smaller residence and live without a maid. My MIL laughed and said, "You will still need a maid right? You've never been without a maid!" That is not entirely true. I have had the luxury of not having domestic support. However, as I pondered deeply upon my quick-to-defend behaviour, I begun to understand why she would have such a perception of me, and why I couldn't agree with her perception of me.

She was right. In her knowledge of my life's experiences, I had always been blessed with a maid! Only when hubby and I lived together before our little gem was born did I experience a brief period without a maid. That too, I had part time helpers to clean the house. Not that I couldn't do it on my own, or that I needed cleaners. Just that I chose to hire them.

What she thought or perceived of me was right. It cannot be wrong because that was her observations of me and her conditioning had made her conclude that I could not live without a maid. And what has her perception got to do with me, except to allow me an opportunity to self-inquire my auto-mated reaction?

I realised that I was triggered because I think what you say about me is untrue; and I don't like you to think that way of me. Again, what have what you think of me got to do with me? That's right, absolutely nothing. Anyone is entitled to think what they think similarly to my entitlement to freedom.

So it seems that while others have perceptions of me, so have I of myself. And when I find that you say or think a quality of me which does not agree with the list of qualities of what I think I am, then I'd say, "you don't know me." But do I really have these qualities - those I think I have and those you think I have? Yes and no. Yes due to the nature of impermanence; and no because what is inconsistent cannot be real. What is real is always constant and consistent.

So what I think I am, and what you think I am is ultimately not important ~ because they are all not me. And who I am; whom you think you see, whom I think I see; is but only a bundle of false ideas, hiding behind a persona to fool the world and myself that ~ this is I. In fact, there is not even an "I". Get it?

The Spiritual Journey

Since I've been on my own journey, I've come across many few who also claim to be on their journey. Why I say 'claim' is because I can never know if they are as serious as I am in my journey, or if they, in fact, even know what the term 'spiritul journey' means. Either way, there's no right and wrong - there never has been anyway.

Well, my spiritual journey may not be in the context that is familiar to many. You see, spirituality has always been linked to great religions and they very much include (in perceptions) prayers, going to temples, being a follower of monks/great teachers, charitable works, donations, meditation, and etc. But truly, have we ever pondered, if this is what spirituality really means?

I would label (according to my perception, that is) myself if I did the stuffs I just mentioned above more as 'pious' than spiritual. Pious because that would be examples defined according to religion practice. I wouldn't even call it a teaching. On the surface, I may say, "oh, I respect all religions and they are the same." but on the inside, I know what beliefs I strongly hold -  "I will never bow/pay respect to a statue!", "I will never listen to a Christian sermon" or what have you.. well, not what have you... it's WHATEVER!!! And most of the time, I would be doing it out of fear, out of an ulterior motive of seeking protection/blessings, or simply just having 'something' out there to identify with, or belong to. So many possible ideas that could be churning in the subconscious, and yet, I act like a machine, without questioning.

Spiritual Journey (again, only my perception) is an inward journey leading towards freedom. As what LF always say, "it is turning the radar inwards." that means to say, instead of blaming someone/something out there justifying reasons why we have the right to be upset or angry - to just pay attention to ourselves instead, and question. Question, "why do I feel angry? what is it about me that I am not at peace with?" Surely, at the beginning journey, the arrows would continue shooting at someone/something out there, but consciously bringing it back to ourselves again and again, the right understanding will surely surface.

So how does right understanding serve me? It's simple and straightforward. It's freedom. Freedom from what, you may ask - the world? the society? the sufferings? Oh no... far, far from it... what is the world, the society or the sufferings but simply reflections of my inner world. When I am not at peace, the world shows me that; and when I am at peace, the world shows me that, too. :)

So, free from what?

I will tell you. Free from "I". Of course, even as I say, "I" want to be free - it can be born also from the stem of the ego. But you see, if it is my birth right to be free, then surely, this "I" that threads on the journey towards freedom and Home could not be the same "I" that causes the sufferings.

It is a tricky game. It ~ the ego ~ is in so many forms although it does not exist. And yet its excellence in fooling us that it exists through the 'realness' that we think it is. So it is truly not in the 'doing' of prayers, temple visiting, charitable deeds and etc that is any relevant in a Spiritual Journey but our own awakening to our ignorance. In truth, there is really just nothing to do, except to answer to an inner calling, that automatic knowing, that automatic decision - that alignment with Home.  

I am thankful to the teachings made available to support my journey, and also to my teachers who serve as additional avenue of channels for the Truth to come through ~ one who knows exactly the timing to come into my space to give me more clarity; one who knows exactly the time to answer to my emails and shout-out (you know who-you-are *winks*) so as to trust and empower me in my journey to freedom, to Home.

Love & Gratitude. Namaste.

An Angel's Birthday

JH decided to throw a birthday party for his lovely wife, JW. He had taken the time and effort to be in touch with her friends, including me and warned us specifically it is to be a surprise birthday party, so we must not leak a word to his wife. He had requested each of us, if possible, to cook something and to bring over to his place. Although I was quite sure that my schedule would be quite tight for the day, but I trusted myself on God's time and everything worked out perfectly timely for me.

Roasted Chicken Wings - New Recipe by Moon :)

I know the Roasted Chicken Wings doesn't look appetizing but I assure you, it was delicious if I may say so myself (ahem, despite the leftovers at the end of the night). I started marinating the chicken wings at about 12ish (afternoon) the minute I got home and rushed off to the Alumni's AGM. Got home by 5ish and started roasting them right away. The sweet aroma resulting from the roasting was yum yum!!

Arrived at JH's place at about early 7ish. Was ordered to park as far as I could from his house. Imagine, having to sling the new toy over my shoulder, one hand with JW's present, another with my handbag balancing the tray of chicken wings alone ain't easy. Just wasn't used to not having anybody to carry stuffs for me.. ;p Where was hubby? Resting at home as he had an early flight the next day.

We wanted as much as JH to make the surprise as perfect as it could be for JW, we all decided that we should hide our shoes.

If you are wondering who is the butler, his name is Shawn. :) Sorry, he is not for hire. ;p

There was nothing much to do after that except to wait for the 'phonecall' from JH...

Beautiful scenery from JH's home.

Some of them crowding in the kitchen preparing for the 'moment'.

Some of us waiting for the 'phonecall'

And finally, the phone call came!! They were 5 minutes away. We switched off the major lights and got the cake ready...

While waiting...

And in she popped, surprised!!!!!

The surprised JW being nudged by hubby to walk into her party!!

Making her birthday wish.

This is JW's friend who was one of the chef for the night. He cooked on the spot. :)

Yummy pasta!!

Dinner Time!!!

Beautiful Eva

If you are wondering about the last 4 photos.... you see, JW requested for each of her friend present that night to sing her a song. I don't know what gave her the idea that we would comply to her request and you know what, we all did!! But to make it less embarrassing, we each picked a song and then everybody sang along. JW had most songs in her laptop and one of her friends (Vincent, I think) had like many many many many many many many many many (you get the point right?) songs on his iPhone so music was not a problem. The lyrics were. And because nearly EVERYONE in that room had an iPhone, my goodness, it was so easy to just download the lyrics from their iPhone to sing together!! So if you look at the pictures carefully again, they were all singing to the lyrics on their iPhones!! Yes, ALL OF THEM!!! No kidding!! (Psst... hubby, I want an iPhone too!! ;ppp)

By the way, Lady Gaga is JW's favourite!

 JH & JW

I knew JW through JH, her being JH's partner; and JH is an old friend from secondary school. I remember when I first met JW, we didn't connect very well but as time went by, we developed a beautiful friendship. :)

And here are some photos of the beautiful couple: -

Happy Birthday Jui Wan!!!

May all that you aspire be all that you experience...

Namaste. :)

Fear of the Known & Unknown.

The mind is fearful of the unknown, but thinks it knows the known and also what lies in the unknown - which is what makes it fearful; and yet the truth is, it knows not of anything known or unknown, which is why it is always in a state of fear.

What Have I Done?!?!?!

Alina and I had been friends for ages.. since secondary school days. She was the fierce one in school, and I was the softie. Always, she had to stand up for me while I hid behind the doors to watch her tell people off for bullying me.. lols.. ya, poor me! Lols!

We knew each other when we were 15. She was transferred to my class because she was so much smarter than the rest of the students in her previous class. I think we didn't speak much at first, and I think we started talking more after she blurted, "who is that singing?" while still in the toilet cubicle when she hear my sweet voice.. (cheh... perasan-nya.. just kidding!! ;p). You see, we were in the toilet at the same time during tea/lunch break, but I didn't know that she was in the cubicle when I started singing. So you can imagine how startled I was despite having other friends around when she suddenly asked that question! (at that time, it was a trend for girls to go to the toilets together). From then on, we started talking to each other more. She taught me scrabbles! I remember we would play scrabbles together in school during the period where students were allowed to study on their own for the upcoming exams. I loved playing scrabbles with her. She was so intelligent (ahem, still is)! :)

Girl, do you remember that we used to pass notes to each other in between classes too??? *winks*

And when we were both in Form 5. Both of us were the only silly ones who turned up at school (students were allowed to stay home to study for SPM) to study together in one of those empty classrooms. We'd talk and talk and I remember she would bring something to school for us to eat and.. eh, girl did I bring anything to school for us to eat too??? Ya, I remember.. I made potato salad.. and she said she loved potatoes!! Lols. We studied together, supported each other and really, listened to each other. I guess she was the only person that I had dared to be entirely honest with what was going on in my life and etc then. I was always afraid of being judged, not-accepted and she was always reminding how wonderful I was. She didn't know, she was my pillar of support. :)

We walked different paths eventually after we finished SPM. She started working and I studied, only occasionally meeting up with each other. I still remember the very first car she drove - that red Suzuki Swift. Lols. She was a trainer at a gym in Hartamas at the age of 18 you know! And today, she is a darn VP in one of the most prestigious banks in the industry. Am I so very proud of her.. :)

You know, she was the one who gave me advice on how to handle my interviews when I freshly graduated. She was the one who accompanied me to buy my first suit. She was the one who sent me flowers to cheer me up when my heart was broken. She was the one who drove all the way from Ampang to Klang to check on me if I was ok when I was down. She was my matron-of-honour for my wedding. She was the one who repeatedly reminded me, 'Gerry, this is your wedding... you do what you want!' only sharing her ideas with me when I ask of it. I know, she wants me to honour myself and live my life, for me. She also bought me a teddy bear for purpose to accompany me during nights when hubby was not home, worrying I might feel lonely. She still is, one of the friends my family remembers her dearly for ~ my bestie. :) Of course, they also remember her hubby, the 'botak' who always wore red whenever he visited during CNY! Lols!

A friendship is never a bed of roses. We had our quarrels and our time-outs. I guess sometimes we also bitch about each other! Lols! Most of the time, she slams the phone down on me :-s. Told you, she was the fierce one!! Lols! But we always end up where we last stopped, as if that break had never happened before. ;)

Today marks the 18th year. I received a morning SMS from her, and a surprise from her while I was writing this entry...

I was nearly in tears. She is just so thoughtful and sweet. You know, she never fails to send me CNY cards every year too eversince the day she started working! I guess it is one of her ways to tell me that I am always in her mind. :)

I decided to post this photograph because from this angle, I could see the big bear smile back at me. The big bear, would be her :).. She said that she wanted something to always remind me of her. Hrmf, as if I would need a soft toy!! Girl, your face has been deeply imprinted in my mind!! After 18 years and if I still can't remember you, you might as well just kill me!!! ;p

Once again, Happy 18th Year Friendship, Alina Grace!! It has been an honour being your friend, standing by you, listening to you vent, listening to you laugh, listening to your advice, and finally being able to share most of your important moments with you. I am glad that we are still, at this stage, close as ever ~ assured that nothing could ever come between us. Thank you, for enriching my life with your strengths, unique qualities and the many wonderful years of company and friendship. I seriously don't know what I had done to deserve such a beautiful friend like you...

I love you babe.. May you always be well and happy...

Another day at Gym & Piggin' Out!!

I obediently, dilligently went to the gym this morning for a run. Mike (the personal trainer) said I have to be more hardworking and learn to be on my own, which I agree. Before I arrived at the club, Terrie called me for breakfast. Told her I will join her after my 30-minute run.

So I was there running. I observed two kinds of mind states as I ran. When I was looking forward to the end of the run - to end the torture of running, to meet with Terrie asap so that I could sit down and eat and gossip, I felt a sense of suffering as I ran when I noticed how slowly time seemed to tick away. But when I was staying present to the run, noticing how much I had come along (as in xxx km, xxx mins), I noticed a sense of peace, joy and appreciation for the run, or more real, appreciation for myself for staying with the run (ahem, I am hardly that discipline ;p). Some words appeared in the mind as each second went past, "this moment is different from the other."

I had a good workout. And after I sat down at PapaRich, I just ate non-stop. I ordered celery siew mai because I thought that was a healthy choice, but the portion was soooooo small that I had to put in an additional order of 'fu-chuk'. Still, not enough. Shortly, hubby joined us for breakfast/brunch and he ordered porridge. He ate half, and I whalloped the rest. Was I a pig or what?!?

So after all these eating, I ought to be pretty full right? Hmm, guess what, the mind was already thinking what to have for lunch. I could not resist lunch! Because hubby reheated last night's yummylicious baked pasta which I had cooked!! Ooooh, those cheese... and after that, hubby had to open up a packet of Cheezels... oooooooh, cheezels...... Bad, bad hubby... hrmf!! And now I am thinking, 'Darn... and all the hard work this morning!!' Lols.

Well, doesn't matter. I've decided that if my legs aren't aching so much by tonight and if I didn't receive a VERY-IMPORTANT phonecall by this evening, I'd probably go for another run tomorrow morning at the gym again. I guess it is a sure way to move myself towards fitness!! ;D

Disney On Ice 2010

Sunday, 14th March 2010

Bought tickets for this show last year with Jer Lin. Unfortunately, hubby was rostered to work so I was left with an extra ticket. I was thinking of Paul, since Paul is very much like a kid in her own ways but before I could make that call to Paul, dad called.

Dad: Eh, gerry-ah, the Disney On Ice is coming to Malaysia you know?

Me: Ya dad, I know.

Dad: Are you bringing Thea ah?

Me: Ya, we bought tickets last year d.

Dad: Oh, you bought tickets adi ar..

Me: Ya, why, you want to go is it?

Dad: Ya lo, I thought of going.

Me: *shocked* Er.. actually I have one extra ticket. We bought 3 tickets but Jason is working so you want to go or not?

Dad: huh, you got free ticket ar, ok la ok la, I go la. When is it ar?

Me: 14th March.

Dad: What day is it?

Me: Sunday.

Dad: Oh ok.. huh.. Sunday ar?

Me: Ya.

Dad: Er... what time ar?

Me: 11 o'clock in the morning. So we have to leave earlier.

Dad: Har... 11 o'clock ah? ok, nevermind, nevermind.. I arrange I arrange.

Me: Why, you need to play golf is it?

Dad: No, no.. I arrange I arrange. You remind me ah..

Me: Ok.

And that was where our extra ticket went, with Love. Ahh... the love of a grandpa...

He remembered alright.. the whole thing was just sweet... :)

Kung2 with Thea walking towards the stadium

We were early, so Kung2 and Thea and driver-of-the-day a.k.a. Mommi had a cuppa before the show.

Thea was really excited. But the moment she witnessed the amount of people in the stadium itself, she pulled my hand and declared that she wanted to go home. She didn't like the crowd or the noise. Seriously, what was she thinking?!? Mickey & Minnie giving her a private show?!?! Duh!!

Kung2 was really patient and nice. He kept talking to Thea, and wanted to buy anything for his granddaughter from the stalls. It was really a sweet sight. :)

Kung2 & Thea before the show. Ya, she was still in the 'I wanna go home' mood. Lols!

As soon as the show began, I tell you... tears nearly rolled down my cheeks. I was so touched by the talented dancers (and mind you, it was only the first dance!!) and couldn't help but wonder if I could have been one of them if my parents had allowed me to pursue performing arts instead of the secured-recession-proof accounting or finance degree. I reminded myself at that moment to always support my daughter in her interests, no matter what they are.

Very soon, Thea began to warm up to the show by herself! She started to swing her legs to the music and clapped her hands to applaud. It felt good to see her stress easing off and that she was finally enjoying the show!

Joining us were JerLin and her family. We didn't manage to speak to each other much because we were both attracted to the show and to the reactions of our kids. I am sure she enjoyed herself as much as I did, just knowing that our kids were having fun at that very moment. :)

Thea, Mommi & Kung2 during the intermission.

I took this picture myself. Shiok Sendiri.. ;p

Aunty JerLin & Thea after the show.

Needless to say, dad, Thea, and I had a great time. We proceeded to a shopping mall for lunch followed by some shopping. Dad wanted to buy some shoes, and ended up paying for an extra pair of shoes (for Thea) when Thea said she liked this pink little pony sandals! Sighs.. my daughter is sure to be spoilt by her grandparents! In the midst of shopping, my aunt Amy (dad's sister) called. She asked me, "what are you doing?" and I said, "oh, nothing much, shopping with dad.. " She laughed and teased, "wah.. so good girl arr..spending time with daddy" I returned the laugh and said, "hahaha.. no la... he is the good boy! he is spending time with Thea and me!" Lols! Of course, it was a joke! I am only too glad for this time spent with my dad. It is hard to get him away for anything except work and golf. I am glad at at least for the first half of that day, it was quality time between just dad, Thea and I. 

I asked dad if he would be interested in future shows like these. "Ya! of course! Next time, just buy my ticket and let me know what day la!" he replied with surety. It's pleasant. :)

I look forward to more father-daughter-granddaughter outings. :) Thank you, Disney on Ice! *winks*

Note: When I told mom the next day that dad went with us to the Disney on Ice, she reminded me that dad used to bring us (when my brothers and I were kids) to these kind of shows too. Unfortunately, I have no memory of it :(. And now, it makes me wonder what would have been in dad's mind, having 're-experience' the Disney on Ice once again, only now with his daughter and his granddaughter...  

Once again, The Moon cooks...

Cooked 'lap mei farn' today (again), by popular demand!! Just kidding!! lols! Angel said she never tried it before so I promised that I'd cook for her one of these days, and the one of these days (after much postponed dates since CNY) was the day! Included BB into the portion too. ;p

Took a drive to C&C and arrived at about 6:50pm. Angel arrived shortly and BB arrived a little later. Shortly after BB swallowed, he said 'Thank you' and Angel, laughing at her forgetfulness to thank me, thanked me too. :) I was surprised, because I hadn't expect a 'Thank you' from them. So that gesture was delicious to me! I was just contented and joyful seeing them eat what I had to offer.

I had only meant to stay shortly after I've dropped dinner. However I ended up leaving the centre after 8pm due to the addictive chats with BB and Angel just when the Fun Book Club session was about to start. I was missing today's session because I wanted to stay home tonight. You see, I promised Thea that I'd read her 12 bedtime stories. Unfortunately, when I got home she was already asleep.

And another reason I wanted to come home was because I cooked dinner for the family too :). No, they didn't have the same 'lap mei farn'. I baked pasta. Yummilicious cheesy pasta... I wanted to try my virgin baked pasta.. lols.

Ooooooo.. check out the melted cheese... yummy...

What inspired me to cook? Ok, the 'lap mei farn' was a planned thing. The pasta was impromptu ~ a decision made this morning when hubby informed that he was on standby (meaning, he might not need to work today. yay!!). Dunno why, I guess I must be joyful because hubby was going to be home tonight! ;)

And yes, it was indeed yummy... hubby loved it and had 2 servings. I am totally 'taken-in' by my new found talent!! lols. Wait, let me rephrase that. I must say that I played no part in it because I surrendered the whole cooking process to Spirit. Mostly based on intuition, and some parts (technical parts like where to mix the pasta, minced meat and sauce) were advised by the guardian angel (also Spirit in disguise).

Tomorrow, I am heading to the gym to shed off the calories consumed today. ;pppppppppp

She's 4!!

Friday, 12th March 2010

We celebrated Thea's 4th Birthday 4 days earlier because one of hubby's friend's son was celebrating his 2nd birthday on Saturday. We made her party on Friday. Because we were pretty sure what she wanted, we decided to invite only her girl friends who were able to play 'princess' with her rather than our own friends. It is after all her party!!

I got Terri to do a repeat of her previous year's birthday cake, except that this year I requested it to be bigger and for it to be pink. Last year it was blue, to signify Thea's favourite princess ~ Cinderlala Cinderella ;p I absolutely love the designs on the dress... check it out below!

Do you see the pretty butterflies on the dress? I love them!
And guess what, Thea wore a dress with butterflies on it too to match the cake before she changed to her princess gown!!

We decided to have a simple do, and one of my favourites - steamboat. It's easy and healthy ;D.

Most of the food, we bought. MIL also home-made some. It was absolutely yummy!! Just in case you were wondering, yah.. we prepared food enough to serve an army - the other stuffs not displayed here were in the fridge. ;p

Here's Thea calling her friends asking them what time they would arrive. She was extremely excited!

Thea was really a good girl. I explained to her in the morning during the drive to school that I'd need her to take a nap in the afternoon after school so that she could stay up later that night. She did as she was told, and I didn't even have to repeat myself. :) I am so proud of her!! :)

Soon, the princesses arrived, one by one...
followed by our families.

I don't think I need to elaborate on the feasting. Everyone gave praises to my MIL's home-made fishballs, fu-chuk (which is also my favourite) and chili sauce and the guardian angel's chicken soup. I honestly declared that I was only responsible for shopping! ;p

Soon, it was time for cake-cutting. Paul had to leave early, and we didn't want her to miss Thea's cake cutting. Unfortunately, Jay Lyn & Siang left way much earlier.

I love this picture! Observe how she gaze and appreciates the Princess Cake that Terri made her!

The Princesses of the Night.

By the way, there was also a young boy too. Ahem, the only boy.. and it so happened to be his actual birthday that night - Jay Ronn ~ one of hubby's friend's son (ya, the same one as I mentioned above). Here's the 'rose' amongst the 'thorns'. lols!

The only Prince amongst the Princesses. Thank goodness the Princesses didn't fight over him! lols!

Family picture. Only missing was SIL & Siang. They had to attend another date.

That night was a fun-filled night (as usual) for the Princesses. Although I was a little tired after everyone left, I was glad that my little gem had enjoyed herself so much that she kept talking about it before she fell asleep. I know, I know... pumpkin, I know you are happy.. :)

Monday, 15th March 2010

Believe it or not, we spent first half of the day in the hospital. She was down with fever. It was so high that the thermometer went *beep*beep*beep* for the first time. Called mom immediately and she advised to head to the hospital straightaway.

The drama in the hospital revolved around her crying, multiple tests, waiting and worrying. It is not a good feeling. Many, many moments of self-blame and self-judgements made me feel as if I was the worst mom on earth, not being able to help my little darling feel better :(. I just held her close to me and supported her; repeatedly assuring her, 'it is ok love-love (a nickname we call her), mommi is right here with you...'

And thank God, the test results showed negative on any potential spreadable illness. To add icing on the cake, mom stopped by the hospital to accompany her! Thea immediately felt better and she was already hopping around in the emergency ward! My little silly willie.. lols!

We proceeded for lunch and had a small cake blowing 'ceremony' to officiate her actual birthday. It was just mom, Thea and myself. Cozy and nice. :)

Obviously, Thea rested the whole day. Having miss school, I promised her that her birthday celebration in school will be carried the very next day (which is today).

Tuesday, 16th March 2010

Thea's birthday cupcakes

You guessed right. Terri baked them, too!! :) She bakes absolutely lovely, creative and yummy cakes!

Thea's favourite princess ~ Cinderella

My happy baby in school. :)

I just love her smile... melts me all the time.. :)

Dada lighting the candles for Thea.

Believe it or not, she actually generously asked all her friends to help her blow the candles out!!

Thea enjoying her cupcake.

After the session, she totally forgot that both her mommi and dada were still in the cafeteria! But we understood... but it didn't stop me from calling out to her!! ;p She kissed me on the lips and ran off with her friends. :)

I am so happy that she has grown up to be who she is, albeit at 4. She brings me so much joy that sometimes I wonder if I am ever loving her enough. I must remember to let her grow up to be who she wants to be, and that will mean releasing any expectations of her and totally trusting her. I wish for her, freedom to grow to be her own authentic individual - in peace, with love.

Pumpkin, mommi loves you very very much.. *muaks*