When will I ever learn?

Today I received astonishing news that I weigh 61kg! Outrageous! So the CNY has brought about an additional 4kg of abundance to me! Lols! And then I wondered... did I really eat so much?!?

While hugging to Thea to sleep earlier, the mind wondered away to reflect on the happenings of the recent CNY. Ask me honestly if I enjoyed the CNY, not really; and ask me honestly again if I enjoyed the CNY, eh... not that I didn't!! So how come the resistance throughout CNY?

The mind has pre-associations with the memory of the past. Meaning, any form or meaning given to anything has something to do with the past. In the past, CNY is always a stressful event for me - the preparation for CNY, the house cleaning, the angpows, the prayers, the visiting and etc. And this year, believe it or not, I was the minimalist! The preparation for CNY and house cleaning was considered minimal, angpows same2, the prayers were non-existent (I'll explain some other time), and the visiting.. hmm, ok, a little more often than last year. But, why the resistence? As I looked deeper, I realised that I had felt obliged in most that I've done during the CNY. Although at that point in time, I could be at a dinner, or a gathering, temple of whatsoever that I was flowing with at that particular moment - the journey before destination was always one of stress - can't wait to get it over and done with - kinda feeling. And yet, when I am there (the destination in this case) say at a luncheon, or dinner or a gathering, I am enjoying myself away! Strange mind this is! No wonder I was down with the flu for the longest time! Again, could it be that I was already anticipating before the destination, and the minute I perceived that I had arrived at the destination (which is also part of the journey btw), I started to enjoy myself because anticipation was released??? Hmm, possible..

Just last Saturday, or rather days before Saturday came, I was so pissed with hubby. Already reminded him that we had our uncle's open house to attend, and yet he made a lunch appointment with my in laws. Asked him why we couldn't make it on Sunday instead since Sunday was Chap-Goh-Mei, he said, "oh, I am playing golf." hrmf! After listening to his rationale, I got even more pissed off!! The mind was full of blaming thoughts of selfishness, inconsideration and etc etc... Believe me, I was giving him all ears despite his apologies even during the journey to my in laws on Saturday! He kept saying, "I've already said sorry.. why are you still at it?" And in my mind, I was replying him, "Oh don't you see darling! I am not pissed off with you, I am pissed off with me because I have no guts to stand in my own integrity!!!" Arghhh....  and yes, that is the truth. :-/

I was not pissed with him.. I was pissed with me! I was too coward to tell him to cancel the luncheon with my in laws. :(

Now don't get me wrong. I enjoy luncheon with my in laws. It's just that with the flu, and the past late nights, it's already a struggle to wake up (that morning, hubby and I woke up at 1130am!)! And it's like, we had to go to in laws' place for lunch, and then to my uncle's, and then come home and then to my neighbour's open house in the evening again (hubby say I am the President, so must go, must go!). What I didn't like about this whole arrangement is the rushing from this place to another - another past experience of the mind accumulated through the years of celebrating CNY. Just hate it. Don't know since when, I just kinda dislike doing things in a rush. If I have to do it in a rush - I'd just rather not do it. Get what I mean?

Anyway, when we all arrived at my in-laws' place, sweet hubby came to soothe me again (ya, he is nice in that way ;p), and sighs... since I was already AT my in laws' place ready to fill my tummy with luncheon, I told him the truth - I was too coward to stand in my own integrity :(. I can't remember what his reaction was, but if I can't remember it, then I guess it must have been a good reaction - as in an understanding reaction. ;p

So it's like this.. in most days of the 350 non-CNY days, I live my days in an almost answer-to-myself kind of manner, and yet... this 15 days of CNY - I am caught up in the ruckus - just because it is CNY! Outrageous! The way the mind had put emphasis on these things! Perhaps it is also because the mind begins to see it as meaningless, that there is no more reason to doing - and yet persist the doing (out of obligation which is a clear case of lack of integrity) - that the struggle begins! Tsk, tsk, tsk...

Sighs... when will I ever learn?