Today's idea of the day: God goes with me wherever I go.
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I found in hubby's car today 2 empty red envelopes. They were opened and obviously the money inside was gone too. Immediately, suspicion set in because these 2 ang pows were the ones I packed to give out.
"What happened to the money?"
"Why did he take money from these red packets?"
"Who gave him red packets?"
The mind wandered off to find an answer. But what was there to find, when I didn't even know where to start?
When we finally spoke at about 12ish before his flight, I asked him about the red packets. He said that they were his red packets (his grandma and his parents still give us angpows). I gently reminded him that they were all packed in different red packets and told him that those red packets were the ones I packed. He sounded surprised! We concluded that he could have mistakenedly given out the red packets that his parents or grandma gave him and thought these 2 were his. Does it matter?
No, it doesn't matter. What mattered was that I was suspicious. Logically, there is nothing to be suspicious about. He treats me so well! Even when he is hungry, he takes food for me first; when I am smelly with ciggerate smell, still he hugs, holds and kisses me with no complaints; when I overspend, he says it is ok and... you know the rest... so why on earth was I feeling suspicious?
I texted my teacher, hoping for another perspective of seeing things.
His reply was, "Obviously by your insecurity." DUH!!!
I told him that today's lesson is God goes with me wherever I go. And his wise reply followed (sorry BB, the reply is just too darn good!) :
"So it is time to forgive and trust that nothing belongs to u - NOTHING. And that u are always being called by God to release all these illusions and come home."
For a moment, it struck me. Right, he (hubby) doesn't belong to me. I'd forgotten that. Strangely, I felt uncomfortable. I understood that no one belongs to me, but as I read and re-read BB's text, my tears welled up.
The mind started play scenes of asking hubby for a legal separation, and then hubby will question why and say no, and then everybody else will come banging on my door judging me, telling me, "wei, you are too much la, he is so good to you, you are so lucky, what else you want" and blah blah blah *all drama is in the mind, ya ~ all not real* Tears just jerked up, non-stop. It is as if it pains the heart to go that direction ~ and yet, seriously, can a legal separation support my learning that my hubby, or for the matter of fact, my daughter as well - they do not belong to me?
It was a joke I played on myself! It was just the different sides of the same coin - all stemmed from the same silly idea - he is mine, he is not mine. What's the diff? It is all about ownership!
And so I own him? Of course the ego thinks so! We are married, we have been together for X amount of years, we have a daughter and etc etc etc... but so what?!? Just because we are legally or illegally married doesn't mean anything! Since a few years ago, I began to realise that marriage, is a state of mind; and today, I experienced another level of it.
My exact words - "Understanding that he doesn't belong to me, and experiencing that he doesn't belong to me; are entirely 2 different realities."
I told Angel that while I was crying, the feelings were of pain and remorse; as if guilty of not appreciating enough, not loving enough, not caring enough. And that reminded me again that many a times, when we don't let go, can't let go or are not willing to let go is because of our own guilt ~ unsure if it has been enough - not for the other party, but for ourselves.
Can it ever be enough? And when it's enough, will the letting go of the idea of ownership just come automatically?
I trust that when the ownership drops, we would be able to cherish, appreciate and love the person more sincerely and dearly, for who the person truly is - for our ownership simply despicts not of the persons labeled to belong to us, but of the ideas we own and believe to be of these persons.
For no one belong to us, and we belong to no one. In truth, there is just... no one out there...
this may further lead u a "little" closer in knowing who you are: http://illusiontoreality.com/2010/02/12/unhappy-valentine-day/comment-page-1/#comment-615
ReplyDeleteI view this as related to trust and not so much on ownership. To me, trust have to be earned. If a person has betrayed our trust time and time again, it would be much harder to trust the person again next time.
ReplyDeleteI guess that explains why we still feel lonely even though we are surrounded by friends or families. Eventually it is "ME"- the one that have to deal with all the emotions, pain, struggles, etc and face life(everything)boldly with the strength of God...the people around us are merely playing a supporting role and hence "God goes with me wherever I go. ."
ReplyDeleteHi Mun, consider this: that this person/friend/family or whosoever has never had any history of betraying us before, and yet we feel that we cannot trust this person - how could it be that the other has to earn we trust? So let's say we can't trust this person because we have had a history of being betrayed (by others and not this person) but still, what has our not trusting this person got to do with this person? Everything comes back to the Self.
ReplyDeleteHi sdovelly, my friend Angel has this affirmation 'I am the Love that I am looking for' that she constantly uses as much as she can to remind herself that all the Love she needs has always been within her, with her. :)
ReplyDeleteWhen we are Love, we only attract Love; all else is Love - so how could there exist a moment without Love and all of those which are not Love? ;)
True, in a way everything goes back to the Self but sometimes we need to consider the external evidence. If we choose to ignore where the evidence leads us, we will be like what the chinese likes to say "自己骗自己".
ReplyDeleteFor me, if a person (A) has never had any history of betraying me before but yet behaved in all ways similar (evidence) to someone (B) who has betrayed me before, I will choose to follow the evidence and not trust the person (A) until my trust has been earned. This is because I learn from past experiences.
But the most important thing is to follow where the evidence leads (hah, you can tell I'm a big fan of CSI with this tagline). If no evidence, then of course can not simply jump to conclusion.
Hi mun, I am not saying ignoring the facts. If the fact is that this person has betrayed us before (and that is also only true to our perception), it is our integrity or our choice to decide how we want to move on from there.
ReplyDeleteEvery evident is a self creation to the eyes of the believer; because there is no one out there, but our own ideas, thus our own creations. So if anything out there is our creation, how could it be possible for another to betray me, unless I myself have missed the mark?
Thanks for taking time to explain Gerry. :) I guess my mind is not complex enough to understand the abstract "no one out there but our ideas, our own creations" concept. Please correct me if I am wrong but I believe this concept will be helpful therapy to torture or rape victims to help them come to terms with their unfortunate situation and to carry on living their lives as if nothing bad has happened before.
ReplyDeleteHi mun, I assure you, our minds are not simple, and yet, not complex ;). I can neither correct nor wrong you on what you perceive is right or wrong (this 'there is no one out there' concept is helpful for victims); in truth, we are all victims - only we don't realise it. I share the concept of 'there is no one out there' because I myself have experienced the miracles of such perception - so the saying - what is within, so is without.
ReplyDeleteNevertheless, don't take what I say so seriously.. it is just a sharing from my experience and understanding. Namaste. :)
Thanks again. Please continue to share your experiences! :)
ReplyDeleteHi Gerry, you seems like a good person thats why i am filling you with this. Your so called 'very good' hubby broke up with me day after we came back from holiday, reason being i have not enough trust in him although we had been together for 4 years and he insisted nothing to do with the girl he's seeing. This is what i get in returned after countless of betrayal from him. Once a player always a player. Wish you all the best!!
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteFrom where you come from, I sense there still remaining bitterness in a previous relationship you had experience.
Erm, are you sure you got the right person? If you did, thanks :); and if you didn't, thanks too :).
Every love story has its journey, and in each and every of these stories we learn. Sometimes we are the good guys; sometimes we are the bad guys. I speak of this because I had been both, and can't deny that I am still playing dual roles ;p.
It would be easier said than done, to ask you to 'let go'... if my hubby is the right person you speak of, I would encourage you to have a heart-to-heart talk with him soon, to express your feelings as a way to let him know how betrayed you had felt before. This may bring you both to a common ground once again, and who knows, a wonderful friendship not experienced before may blossom thereon! :) It may seem as if it is a journey back to the past, but it is only when we arrive at the beginning where it started, will it all then end.
It is not right of me to judge, and I will admit openly that I used to get so irritated and upset with stories of his ex-gfs which in the end only caused me more misery than I deserved. As if I didn't have my own history list! lols!
Whoever you are, thank you so much for visiting my blog. God bless. :)