The Quick Defense

The other day, I saw how I so quickly defended myself when someone comments something about me which I deem as untrue. Untrue, because I think I am not what they think me to be.

My MIL commented that I will not be able to live without a maid when I said that once my dogs die and guardian angel decides not to renew her contract, I would move to a smaller residence and live without a maid. My MIL laughed and said, "You will still need a maid right? You've never been without a maid!" That is not entirely true. I have had the luxury of not having domestic support. However, as I pondered deeply upon my quick-to-defend behaviour, I begun to understand why she would have such a perception of me, and why I couldn't agree with her perception of me.

She was right. In her knowledge of my life's experiences, I had always been blessed with a maid! Only when hubby and I lived together before our little gem was born did I experience a brief period without a maid. That too, I had part time helpers to clean the house. Not that I couldn't do it on my own, or that I needed cleaners. Just that I chose to hire them.

What she thought or perceived of me was right. It cannot be wrong because that was her observations of me and her conditioning had made her conclude that I could not live without a maid. And what has her perception got to do with me, except to allow me an opportunity to self-inquire my auto-mated reaction?

I realised that I was triggered because I think what you say about me is untrue; and I don't like you to think that way of me. Again, what have what you think of me got to do with me? That's right, absolutely nothing. Anyone is entitled to think what they think similarly to my entitlement to freedom.

So it seems that while others have perceptions of me, so have I of myself. And when I find that you say or think a quality of me which does not agree with the list of qualities of what I think I am, then I'd say, "you don't know me." But do I really have these qualities - those I think I have and those you think I have? Yes and no. Yes due to the nature of impermanence; and no because what is inconsistent cannot be real. What is real is always constant and consistent.

So what I think I am, and what you think I am is ultimately not important ~ because they are all not me. And who I am; whom you think you see, whom I think I see; is but only a bundle of false ideas, hiding behind a persona to fool the world and myself that ~ this is I. In fact, there is not even an "I". Get it?