Usefulness

Been feeling kinda funny lately. Just wanna rush here, rush there while hubby strolls... hmm, definitely a conflict here, and somewhat a contradicting atmosphere too! He is supposed to be the stressed up one, the busy one, working his butt off (he really enjoys his work by the way) while I am the supposedly lady of leisure! So what on earth happened here? Why was I fidgeting and he smiling all the time?

I was rushing here, and rushing there.. even while driving, I noticed my right foot a little heavier than usual, a certain wanting to get to the destination fast! To put things into order! Oh, as if!!!

And this went on for quite a while. I just didn't understand what was happening - state of mind was not clear, hence mindfulness was not possible (trust me, I tried the breathe in-breathe out and only realised that I was too, rushing that process). It was irritating. That led me to being in a foul and confused mood - blaming hubby for not talking to me, blaming hubby for not taking me out, blaming hubby for not kissing me more, blaming hubby for everything!! (yeah, I know I know.. poor hubby ;p) Believe me, I even contemplated going back to work!!

As I stayed with the feeling, I knew that it was a feeling of wanting 'to do something'. And when I lift my butt to 'do something', somehow the feeling was not subdued. There was just no peace! I was just practically finding fault with everything!! To elaborate on this scenario, I kept rushing to do something, or thinking that I need to do something, to keep myself busy (or more truthful, to keep myself useful now that I've realised!); but when I am doing that something which I had settled for 'doing', I find no enthusiasm or passion or 'mood' to do it!

Crazy huh?

Today was the turning point though. I finally went to the gym - a long awaiting activity (due to weight gain and deteriorating fitness). The Biggest Loser-Asia really inspired and motivated me ;p. And after gym, I returned Boon Ling's call. We chatted for quite a while, and shared the same sentiment of this feeling - the rush, the wanting to do, and then the non-contentment of doing. It was clear, I was feeling useless for not doing anything (not working, not cooking, not cleaning, not writing, not whatever!) and the rush was to 'con' myself that if I was able to drive faster, eat faster, talk faster, or what-so-ever faster, I'd be able to accomplish more things in a day and that would make me a more useful person!! LOLS! What a laugh I had!! The reward that accompanied this realisation was of course no other my dear pal, peace... I was finally able to come back to myself, taking my own sweet time to pamper myself :D. What a relief!!

It is indeed not the destination, but the journey which makes the destination more meaningful. I am thankful for this experience, for it has revealed to be a little bit more about myself, and to appreciate myself a little wee bit more... ;D