The Culprit.

Another step closer to liberation. :)

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A conversation with someone dear to me this morning left me feeling really yucky. I tried hard to shake off the feeling by using positive affirmations and whatever tools that I had equipped myself. Unfortunately (and fortunately at the end :)), it did not go away for long. The first instance of reaction (note: re-action, and not loving response) was to find a way out. Lovingly, no way out was possible without me bruising my ego or reputation further, so I stuck to it. And then, I questioned this resistance. What is this actually all about. I thought it was over and done with!! I thought I had dealt with it!! - but it looked like there were still more to uncover... and as much as I disliked this yucky feeling, I knew that it was a sign from Love itself, to look into it, learn the truth about it, embrace it and release it.

But human being human, or could I add - the conditioned mind being the conditioned mind, I went about running errands, still trying away to sweep the yucky feeling under the carpet, hoping to keep the mind so occupied that the yucky feeling would go away. The yucky feeling stayed.. no matter how much I tried not to look at it. The harder I tried, the yuckier the feeling.. and when the yucky feeling no longer emphasized its existence more, it projected itself in the surroundings. Everything else was just as irritating and yucky.

So, in the midst of my errands, I got fed-up and asked for guidance. Having asked for guidance, I knew that the next step of action was to surrender and not allow myself to get-in-the-way, as in... not to answer my own questions and to wait patiently. I know that the ego catches up fast, hence the imitation of guidance were always surrounding, deterring and blocking the truth that prevails the situation.

It was until the late afternon... flashes of past and present experiences appeared in the mind that made me realised the yet faulty idea that still possessed the mind.

Ownership. And I thought that I was over that. But I guess, we could never be entirely over it because we had built so many layers and layers of it, around it. It's sickening. No wonder the spiritual saying, it's like peeling an onion...

The yucky feeling this morning (or rather half a day) had allowed me to realised how I was still owning people in my mind. Sure, consciously I may say, "oh you don't belong to me, I don't belong to you." but so unconsciously (because it is an idea sitted deep into the subconscious) I still had an idea that I own you, or her, or him, or even, it. Amazing.. and then to realise the culprit behind all the past and present experiences going round and round in its vicious cycles was actually, ME!! Liberating, exuberating and yet... hmm, guilty. I know it sounds contradicting. :{

To put it more correctly... it is the idea behind that had caused the repeated cycles of experiences. And the guilt is my seeing and holding others as wrong. Great Masters would remind us how innocent we are, on how these ideas were adopted innocently, unconsiously, when we did not know any better... but the ego would go on and on reminding us, how guilty we actually all are, shouting, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY YOU DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER?!?!?"

I think I've got one mean ego... It's always like that!! Although I do know that I am innocent, I do not feel I am innocent. I feel like I AM the culprit, guilty of any unpleasantness that had surfaced in my hologram :( .

I am aware now that as I type this, the loving mind and the unwholesome mind is debating with itself...

Jesus said... argue, argue, argue...

Buddha said... argue, argue, argue...

Hari says... argue, argue, argue...

BB said... argue, argue, argue...

Angel said... argue, argue, argue...

blah, blah, blah...

Sighs...How about what I say?? Now, waitaminute... I could say something?!?

Of course... but then, the 'I' is in no position to say anything at the moment.. for the 'I' is still feeling wounded. So I guess, the 'I' has not entirely, fully dived deep into the feeling of guilt. Perhaps to rightfully put it, the true essence has not emerged.

Great Masters tell us, that there are gifts behind the veils. Only sometimes the veils seem so dark, so scary that it takes a lot of courage to look at it eye-to-eye.

So who is the culprit here, who had incorporated so much of these false ideas of the Self, created so much fear that it would take so much courage to look within?

All is not but the existence of the 'I'. How attractive, yet unattractive...

Namaste.