I made some new friends, and I like them (seriously.. what else is new la? I think I like almost EVERYBODY!! Well, I dont try that hard to keep in touch with them, since I am online ALL THE TIME when my 'faithful' DELL laptop doesn't go BLUESCREEN on me.. but I noticed that while some friends and relatives will take the trouble to chat the day with me (off and on LLB cause in office), while some will just give me one two sentence reply. Those one-two sentence replies give me a feeling like they dont wanna chat with me at all, or to get to know me better. Apart of me feel sad la of course.. you know, a bit disappointed, because I feel like we had quite a bit in common... but then again, on good days, I have so many good friends (old and new) plus relatives to chat with me so it's not really not that bad... But then again, it's not about me having a good chat day or a bad chat day.. it's a matter of acceptance of friendship from these people. It's sad la... not to be given the opportunity to get to know each other.
And then, the other day, while chatting with a good friend (old one, this one) I was overly sensitive over a statement she made with good intentions. I got a bit pissed, and texted her on my displeasure of her words. Expecting a text war, I hung on to my phone awaiting a defensive reply. Surprisingly, her reply (which took quite long) came apologectic. When I read her text which went, "Really sorry... so sorry about it..." Well, I was still defensive, because I was not done with telling her how upset I was, and the subsequent messages from her was assurance of the friendship, "our friendship came very far... friendship more important". I felt bad. I started to apologise too because I know deep down in my heart, she meant well; I was just too sensitve and petty because her words didnt come out as I had expected or to my liking. I was so foolish and silly that I started to feel ashamed of myself. I was actually on my way to the temple to do some kathina donation for our family then. After offering the robe and receiving blessings from Pra Woon, I reflected on myself and know that I had acted childishly. I told myself that I had to call her (instead of texting her) to tell her how ashamed i was of myself and how sorry I really was, and I did. She accepted my apology so graciously and generously... I am thankful and grateful.
Which then of course probed me to wonder, if there is something wrong with me. While I still have many many good friends and new ones joining in that category, there are a few of them that I really yearn to reach out to but not responding. Ok.. maybe I should rephrase, not only friends la, even relatives. This is going to be really brave, but I am going to do it - cause seriously, I doubt that she would be interested to read my blog anyway - I've never had a sister. I've always always wanted a sister. When I was dating an ex, he had an elder sister, whom we would talk and talk and talk.. when she was pregnant, or if she needed anything, or I needed anything, we'd be there for each other. Until, when my ex and I broke up, we both felt really bad and in a way, missed each other. Of course, life had to go on, and I met Jason... who has a sister. When we met, I really thought that we'd hit it off! Being the only sibling to hubby some more, thought she might be excited to have another sister. But i was wrong.. numerous times I tried talking to her, striking conversations, cultivate common interests.. but she just doesnt seem to like me thaaaaat much, or even be interested to talk to me. My hubby did mention that she thinks i talk a lot, but gave that comment with a laugh - so seriously, can't be that bad right.... but i was wrong lor.. and seriously, until today, as I try... the supposedly SIL relationship is just stale lor. Sometimes I get angry, because i fail in getting her to participate in the sisterhood with me, and sometimes, I blame hubby, for having a not-so-close brother-sister relationship with her. But after a while, hubby will cool me down, and give him his bear-bear hug, and remind me that it doesnt matter because what's most important is that I am his darling baby girl and I've got his full 100% attention and blah-blah-blah... A repetitive love pledge, but it works!! ALL THE TIME!! But then again, this is not the point!
So seriously, do I have a problem? I really dont know.. If I do, then how come I am surrounded by so many beautiful friends who loves me (ehem.. I know they do); and if I dont, then how come new people dont want to get to know me? I talk too loud (a friend actually told me that she was terrified of me at first because I was a very loud person)? I come on too strong? I talk too much about myself (aikes!!! this one is a big no-no! must change to LISTEN!!)? I too fake (got meh???? )? Overly sensitve (eh, how would you know if you dont know me??)? Seriously.. I got problem meh??? Hmm... maybe la..
But whatever it is, I've learnt not to be too hard on myself . No one is perfect anyway.. no matter how hard we always try to be . And no matter how imperfect I am, I will keep on forgiving myself because I know that I have a hubby and a daughter who loves me, other family members, relatives and wonderful friends to stand by me always. But I will not take my imperfections for granted. I will continue to strive to improve myself for the betterment of myself, my loved ones, my friends and forthcoming new people in my life.
Like what I told a friend when we rekindled our friendship 3-4 years ago (her ex told her not to hang out with me when they were together because he thought I would try to influence her not to obey him. JERK!! ), it's not , and never will be, my loss!
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