What's in it for me?
The incident from the last blog upset me until I gained some light after my usual Tuesday meditation sitting. We usually do some sharing after meditation. Tuck Loon shared with us that usually when we show concern about other people, there is always something there for us that our conscious mind does not see or realize. That prompted me to analyze the reason of my irritation towards the incident and soon brought about a realization that it was indeed for myself that I wanted him not to go clubbing and the genuine concern was not for him. Don't get it? Read on.
Before this, I analyzed that it could be that I still don't trust him.. but when I thought deeper, it really wasn't that because that answer did not "wake" me up. I also analyzed if it could be his friends that I was not comfortable with - and the answer is no. I thought and thought and was very sure that it was mainly because of his health which even he found it hard to accept. I myself wondered why I was getting so upset if it was only concerning his health!
After the discussion with Tuck Loon, I realized that the reason why I wasn't comfortable with him clubbing so often was because I was afraid. The fear that if his health deteriorates or if something happens to him, the responsibility will then be on me - to take care of him, or to take control of the family. This, was the answer that "woke" me up. It's amazing. Just take an example, if we see a beggar on the streets, we give them some money. Why did we do that? Was our intention really to help the beggar, or was it to make ourselves feel better? Deeper realization would be that it was because it made us feel good being able to help. It had nothing to do with the beggar. While I agree that helping the beggar turns out to be a win-win situation; but the real intention of pulling out that dollar from your wallet or purse - it's really ultimately just for ourselves, not the beggar.
I have come to realize that a lot of things we do for other people comes with the question, "what's in it for me?". The subtle or sub-conscious mind works its wondrous way around our consciousness and actions, making us believe that we are selflessly helping other people. There is no right or wrong in this... just a realization that the self is important, and how it works its way to ensure we continue to feel good about ourselves.
Since the realization, hubby and I had a talk. He was not convinced that I was upset for the reasons I told him. He felt that there were more to me feeling upset and boy, was he determined to find out! However, after my selfish confession, he understood and assured me that he will take better care of his health and will listen to whatever I ask him to do to better his health. That's a good sign!
I have to admit that embarking in this spiritual journey has created more awareness in me about life, myself and the people who surround me. I have stopped initiating to provide assistance to people around me unless they ask for it. I have leant not to be a busybody and not to get involved in other people's business. I have also learnt to see and understand the reasons behind every word spoken and action taken by myself and other people. Of course, I am still not an expert and am still learning. Just the other day, while I was meditating, I saw that a lot of things that played in my mind did not exist and it was actually all in the mind. What I thought it was, what it meant - it was all like a movie, all played in the mind. Now I begin to understand that when a person says something about you or to you, only you can make it directed at you by responding to it. When you don't respond, that person is actually just talking to himself or the wall. Amazing huh?
Well, hubby and I are doing great. A few hiccups here and there, but nothing major. We have learnt to communicate better and appreciate each other's existence and company. We have to take the initiative to step forward if this is what we want, and stand still when we are unsure. I am enjoying my journey currently. Ask me if I am happily married? Well, I have also come to realize that a marriage is in the state of mind. I am enjoying a beautiful relationship with him, and Thea, and the other people around me. It will only turn ugly or not so beautiful when I allow it to be.
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