For many people who knew me for a very long time would agree that I was the sort of person who seek approval from people around me before I did something. Or even, after I did it, I would still go around talking about it to people to justify that what I did was right or acceptable. For a long time, this worked on me. This was how my life was, always living righteously in the perception of others. Because if others didn't agree, that would mean that I'd made the wrong decision, or said/did the wrong things; at least in the eyes of others. And because I was so concerned about what others thought, or what the society perceived; I led my life always explaining myself, explaining a situation, or explaining my actions; even when sometimes I feel that there was no need to.
There is certainly a shift in me, and I am positive it is for the better. For one, I am now more confident of what I think, and what I do. Although there are still times when I would still evaluate my true intention of certain words I speak or actions I take; in fear of the image or perception I was going to or already portray(ed) to others; I now usually conclude that it is my decision and my responsibility. When I do or say the wrong thing, I apologize and learn from it; when I do or say the right thing, it's my freedom and my right - in short, good for me.
I recently made a decision about a certain aspect of my life which I believe many people thought I had resolved some time back. I have decided not to disclose the full details of it due to the lengthy and sensitive story behind it. The thing was, I hadn't resolve it. I just thought I did because I refused to face it. I did what most people would do; swept it under the carpet. It was until the a recent self development program by Christopher Moon that I attended which gave me the light/intuition or whatever you call it - to make a certain decision.
Friends and relatives asked the intention of my decision. I simply just replied that I do not wish to be angry or to harbor any negative feelings anymore. It was and still is, as simple as that. Some said, "well, good for you and I am happy for you" and some said, "aiya... don't know you la!". While I appreciate good wishes and disregard those who think it's a huge mistake to do so, I am still going forth to do what I feel and think is right to do. I don't deny that my doing has caused certain discomfort to some people and I have to stress that they do have the right to feel, think or opine anything they want. But is this not, my own journey to walk?
Before, I used to be fine when people tried to tell me to do certain things, or tell me certain things without bothering how I feel. I had also been labeled 'fake' for not being honest or straightforward with how I feel with them especially when it came to negative feelings. I just didn't think it was wise to share those negative feelings because I felt that it was my business how I felt so I should deal with it myself and not let it effect anyone. Only when I felt there was a necessity to share or tell, then I would. But because of the intense pressure of losing my beloved ones, I changed myself to accommodate their wishes so that they would continue to love me and accept me.
Now, I feel quite upset when people try to impose their values on me or judge me on certain things I do or say and I feel this particularly towards people whom I've never judged or imposed my values on before; especially people who are dear to me. Why force me to be like you? I appreciate your advise, support and encouragement and I know that most of what you tell me is for my own good. But is there a need to be upset with me, to feel betrayed by me and/or say one or two mean words to me? Is there really a reason to doubt me? My decisions are my decisions and it does not even involve anyone. How could it had made anyone of you feel uncomfortable? Whatever that anyone of you had chosen to do with regards to anything, now or before; even at times when it made me feel uncomfortable or betrayed; I had never judged or impose or even say anything on what you think or feel that was right to do; I had never expected you to live up to what I think you should or should not be; so why make me do that when it comes to you?
Having said that, I of course understand that everyone has their rights to express however they feel towards an action, a thought or decision. But evaluate this, what is your INTENTION of expression? Was it really to share a thought, or to hurt a person? People always give themselves excuses that they are straightforward and direct, therefore other people should either just forgive or accept their bluntness; that's fine. But how about them accepting others? Is it really that difficult to be more mindful of our own actions and speech? And while playing the part to be mindful of our own actions and speech, is it our doing that other people are still effected by it? Does it then give them the right to point fingers at you to say that, "It's you that has caused this uncomfortable feeling in me?"
Well, I have 'evolved'. I am no longer that sick little puppy dying for people to love and accept me according to their terms and conditions. It's either you love and accept me for who I am and who I am not; or you don't. Simple as that! If you are my friend, my family or my lover, I love and accept you as who you are and who you are not. I have respected your space, your growth, your decisions, your freedom and you; I ask for only the same. Please don't try to make me you, and please try not to say or do mean or abusive things to me. Although I will always forgive and accept you, I do not wish for you to feel guilt over things that you had never meant to say or do. As the saying goes: Don't do unto others, what you don't wish others to do upon you.
Times when I feel that I cannot agree with what you say or do, I will deal with it myself and be a better person after that. If I choose to tell you how I feel, I will; and if I choose not to; please be assured it is not because you are unworthy to know; it is just because I don't think those negative feelings are important enough to be surfaced to make you feel bad, uncomfortable, guilty or angry. Nope, not even a tiny weeny bit of it. Life is short enough already, why would I want to waste even a minute to make a person feel low?
I'd rather spend my time loving and being loved...
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