Today, I raised my voice out of frustrations. He didn't like it and hence raised his voice back at me, many times more. I only did it once. And then he started throwing his temper by slapping things loudly on the table and etc. I apologised for raising my voice and explained that I didn't need solutions which was what he was attempting to offer and that I only needed his understanding, his support, his ears and most importantly, him. Perhaps I got more emotional as I explained, and it led on to another argument which led me picking up my laptop to hide myself in the room. My tears didn't stop flowing. I kept asking myself why was I so upset...
The words that were running in my head then was - why don't you appreciate? why couldn't you have just bear with me? I only raised my voice once... how about all those times I supported you when you worried? how about all those times I assured you when you were unsure? how about my career? my body shape? my precious youth and time? my opportunity to do things that I had never done before I settled down for you... Don't you appreciate it at all???? I cried even harder. My heart ached and I began to wonder if whatever that I gave up was worth it. I didn't ask for a bigger home, a posh car, more money or anything... I just wanted him to assure me the way I always did, positively and lovingly. Maybe I am too proud, but if I needed a solution, I'd tell him to do something about it! And you know what... these thoughts had NOTHING to do with why we had raised our voices at each other earlier!
The pondering didn't last long anyway because I had to meet someone for a discussion. The drive to the proposed venue was not long... but somehow when I arrived at the desired place, I knew I had cooled down and it didn't matter any more if he appreciated whatever I sacrifised or gave up, even as a matter of factly, appreciated me the way i wanted him to. I found an excuse to call him and subsequently assured him that no matter what I will always love him. His reply came back with an apology and assurance of his affections for me. I was glad. And as we made up, there was nothing discussed about sacrifice or appreciation, because i didn't bring it up, and he had no clue that those things were running in my mind. Maybe I didn't have any intentions to let him know, or to share with him these thoughts. Perhaps it's because I know him too well, that he does appreciate it... Or maybe... it was just irrelevant to our argument. The argument was afterall, over a very minor issue - the renovation.
And today, I think of this topic, not to catch eyes of course.. but more in realisation that any big fights that arose out of a couple could have started out from a small unimportant subject. It is indeed, the mannerism and the expressions of our emotions who are the culprits most of the time. We are emotional beings, and it takes effort to be have a clear mind and calm emotions when trying to reach a point across to the other party. Some people, have clear minds but uncontrollable emotions, which also leads to fights!! So no matter how much we appreciate or are appreciated, any blow of unproportionate emotions can sometimes lead a relationship to the river of no returns!!
I consciously know what I have given up for this marriage and this family, and I consciously appreciate what I have and what has been given to me. I also very clearly know that with the sacrifices that I've made, so has he. I not only feel his appreciation most of the time, I know he always gives me more than what I ask for. For that, I will "sacrifise" a little more of my conscious effort, mind and heart to consciously be more clear and calm than what I was before; that no matter what fights that come between us in future, I shall never doubt the appreciation of my sacrifice from him, nor will I ever not appreciate him for what he has given us - his love, this marriage and this family. I love you, hubby!!
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