It's been a long time since I blogged. Not that I didn't feel like it, but I just didn't want to blog things that were half way, and I told myself that if I had to blog or announce something, I'd want it to be real, concrete and the truth...
And of course, a happy one... :)
Well, it was a very difficult journey for me. I totally cut off from a lot of friends or people who tried to show concern to me. It was not because I didn't want to accept their concern or care, and definitely not because I don't trust them. I just didn't want to talk about it, again and again... I just wanted to be left alone... and I did tell anyone that I did speak to, even blogged about it, that if anyone really wanted to help me, just pray for me and to radiate positive energies to me. And I guess they did, because I am finally out of my little cave, ready to face the world, in a totally different manner.
In this journey, I realized a lot of things. It was definitely a wake up call for me; and it was by God, the Universe and Buddha's grace, that it happened. It taught me a lot of things which a lot of people told and warned me before which I brushed off. I brushed off because I kept thinking that what I did was right and that as long as I kept at it, everything would be beautiful. But what I wasn't aware of was how it was taking a toll on my life, my family and my soul. While half of the world thought that I became more selfish and tense when it came to my family, I was actually simply so selfless and at the same time pressured by my obligations to everyone, especially to those that I love and hold dearly in my life. When the pain came about, I still couldn't see what I did wrong... and I asked the Universe to help me...
I began my journey by attending a free talk on "Compassionate Communication" thinking I could learn a thing or two. But little did I know, my purpose there was not intended for me to listen or understand the contents of the talk. It was to meet an old teacher, my meditation teacher (whom I've not met for years). Our conversation that night was the start. He encouraged me to attend this 4-day course conducted by Christopher Moon. It opened up a lot of things in my heart that I thought I had let go, and had no mind in it. I cried a lot for the 4 days and there, I met many many beautiful people. I was very lucky to be picked to be the focused person. At that moment, a lot of things he said, like I was too dependent on this person who hurt me; and that I needed to find my independence; I felt, while I cried and listen, I couldn't really understand although I did feel a little better. After my session, many many people came forward to me to hug me and to give me love. Well, so I thought... I was hugged because I, myself was LOVE... and they were there to remind me. The Universe and my angels wanted me to know that... I must admit that I felt so much, so much peace within myself that I wanted to give up on what disappointed and hurt me as I thought that since I am so peaceful now, I didn't need anyone or anything to make me feel terrible.
And then I found out, that I was still running away. Many people overcome bad situations or bad feelings by ignoring them, escaping from them, or just simply forgetting them. And then, I was destined to meet another spiritual healer, Hari. He pointed out a lot of things which I initially also didn't understand. he explained that the basis of what started my trauma was because, I was never entirely honest with myself or how I feel. I didn't love myself. He gave me some affirmations to recite. It was difficult reciting them initially, but I was determined to change my life, my energies and to give myself a chance. After a while, I realized that I did feel better... not about the situation I was in, but about myself! I was smiling a lot more, and I was happy most of the time! It was fantastic! I just felt so good being ME, for the very very first time!! Of course, I still had fears. I had fear of saying the wrong things, feeling the wrong things and doing the wrong things... especially to the one whom I love dearly, and had hurt me deeply. Well, Hari sounded me.. and asked me, why was it so easy for me to love others, but not easy for me to allow others to love me? I was very surprised and shocked from his statement! He told me that I've never accepted love from anyone!! Of course, I didn't agree initially! I argued that I do! And he answered this, that I had to love 10 times more in order to accept it. Now that, I finally kept quiet and agreed. He pointed out that I've always been hard on myself, and the way I love is through seeking approval. It's as if other people's happiness were more important than mine, and that I was not important at all. While I had family and friends who loved me, they don't really know how to love me and find it difficult to do so, because I wouldn't allow them to! I had this extremely high moral values and this excessive obsession for perfection, which brought me back to a lot of people who loved me, treasured me but left me, because of that.
The fact was, I deserved to be heard, to be given to, to receive, to be beautiful, to be forgiven, to be loved and most importantly, to be who I am, and who I am not. All those compliments that people give me, I shrugged them off because I thought they were just being nice; all those gifts that people gave me or wanted to give me, I took it lightly, or sometimes don't even accept them because I thought that they were giving it to me because I have given them so so much... The realization woke me up even further. And after that, it dawned on me... HOW ON EARTH WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HOW TO LOVE MYSELF AND TO ACCEPT LOVE?? Was it by being pretty? Was it by having a good career? Was it by doing what I want at any point in time? Questions, questions and questions... and I took very very little and safe steps... when people gave way to me on the highway, or a parking lot, I just smile and say, "Thank you for loving me..." I know it might sound silly, but it was really a start for me and trust me, it was not at all easy for me! And then I took a conscious effort, a very very BIG effort, to start accepting people doing things for me, saying nice things to me, buying me things and giving me things, be it big or small... As days went by, it didn't feel pressured. I used to think that when this person does something nice for me, I need to give it back and be nice too.. you know, so that the relationship is balanced and that we don't owe anybody anything... but the fact is that, who is keeping count? Sometimes, people do things nice things because they want to and feel like it, and as long as they are sincere, we should just accept it. Likewise, when we want to do something nice for someone, it must be because we want to, and feel like it, and it shouldn't be based on obligations!
These lessons are valuable to my life, and I am learning them still... I've not only decided to be kind to myself, love myself and accept myself unconditionally, but to also embark on my spiritual journey. I've neglected that part of me for a very very long time since Thea was born. That is a part of me, and I know I am meant to do great things by bringing genuine love and joy not only to other people, but most importantly, to myself... I, afterall, do deserve the BEST... :)
Now my life is back on track, even better than before. The person who hurt me deeply, whom I still love very very dearly; we made up :). It has been ever more beautiful since and will continue to be from now on. Sometimes it is ok that things are not perfect in the eyes of the society, or what others perceive. We all have to know, understand and accept that, things ARE perfect the way that it is... And that is how this lesson is in my life too, lots of pain, tears, sadness and confusion; but a perfect lesson in every way...
I am LOVED, perfectly in every way... The happenings in my life, perfectly in every way... I am BEAUTIFUL, perfectly the way I am... I am HAPPINESS, perfectly sowed in my heart...
Thank you, Universe, Lord Buddha and my spiritual teachers - for enlightening and nurturing me to be a better person.
Thank you, my dear family members - for being kind, understanding and giving me my space.
Thank you, my dear friends (you know who you are!) - for your never ending support and encouragement.
Thank you, all of you - for always loving me, never giving up on me, and accepting me for who I am, and who I am not.
I love all of you very very much...
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