Only a fair few knows about what had happened and all of them had offered me their support and wisdom. I am very grateful and appreciative. Did I mention, that they were all as shocked and disappointed like me?
It was the most horrible day of my life that I had to endure... Now I can understand what other people mean when they say no words can describe the kind of hurt and pain they feel in their heart. I had no opportunity to be alone because I had Thea. The maid was kind... she tried her best to distract Thea so that I could be left alone to mourn... and yet, I still felt that I was not left alone... maybe it is because at the back of my mind, I couldn't completely withdraw into my own shell because at anytime or place, I knew that Thea would be calling out to me for a hug, or a smile... which she periodically did.
This person called to apologize and make up the very next day, 3rd August 2008, 12:40pm. I was at a friend's baby's full moon party in One World Hotel, trying to look strong, flash a few smiles to the kids who adored me and just trying to keep myself in one piece. How come I took notice of the time? I just did... because I was waiting for the phone call which I wasn't sure I'd receive. We talked for a very long time. Until I couldn't take it any longer, I walked into the hotel restroom and burst into tears. The cleaning lady was also very understanding... she left the toilet to leave me alone with my sorrows and tears. To know that that person feels sorry and wanted to make things better and earn my trust again, I felt relieved. Still hurt, yes... but relieved... because there is then a chance still, for things to be back to the way it used to. For the rest of the afternoon, after I left the party, we talked on the phone... I really thought that everything was fine...
Came evening and night time... I don't know why... I became fearful again. I suddenly got scared and felt hurt again. My hands and feet were cold, my body shivering and thoughts were running through my mind. I tried to control my thoughts, but questions just popped.. "what if?", "why?", "are you sure?", "how do you know?" I didn't have answers to them... I felt sad again... and then I couldn't sleep again...
I woke up this morning feeling lost. The people who knew what happened are trying to encourage me and support me still, reminding me that the most important thing is that this person realized and is willing to change.. reminding me that no one is perfect... and that time will heal... and that I must be strong to support this person in order for things to be wonderful again... And then selfish thoughts crossed my mind... WHAT ABOUT ME???
This person has assured of enormous efforts to earn my trust again... I forgave this person and also assured that I will try my best not to bring up the past... I was really sincere when I said that... but how could I let go, when I know that it will take awhile for this person to overcome/forget and let go of what has prompted this to happened??? Is it really possible?? Will things really get better?? This person kept saying.. "Trust me..." but wasn't that what I did before, only to be hurt and betrayed?
I thank my dear family and friends who knows about this and have shown their great concern and support for me. I am sorry that I cannot mention names here because I don't want any exposure of this incident to any other people. But you know who you are... please know that I appreciate and love you... you have been so wonderful to me, standing by me... I thank you so so much. Thank you for your words of wisdom, encouragement and efforts in trying to keep me sane. I really don't know how to thank all of you...
Days ahead will be tough... much tougher than I thought it would be. May the Buddha and the Universe help me heal and recover... so that I may be a stronger person, not only for myself... but for my daughter and for those who never gave up on me.
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