I have recently developed this profound sense of independence within myself emotionally. It's like, I don't really need a special friend or a special someone to make me feel any better about myself, or happy, or loved.
I go about now doing my own things, enjoying the things I do. If you ask me if I am happy, I am. I am more relaxed now, not so kan cheong except for the time before I got my tattoo done, and I am so so enjoying my alone time, or just time doing things that I want to do.
Good? Yeah, I think so too... especially for me.
Why this urge to blog about it tonight is because since last night, I realized certain things in myself that I feel is not healthy for a relationship that I am currently in. I do not know why, but there is now more clarity on how I am handling the relationship currently.
What is a relationship between 2 people? Love, sharing, understanding, trust, passion, communication, feeling of importance, reliance? Ok, it is definitely not only limited to these, but these are all I can think of at the moment. Ask me what is wrong? I seriously don't know. I was so sure of the relationship for the past few years, and now, it's like, it's not that important to me anymore. Yes, I still do love this person concerned... but I don't know why I just don't feel fulfilled. Not by him anyway.
Why the confusion is because while a person is supposed to be independent, and responsible for their own happiness; it is also vital that a relationship is created to enhance and enrich a person's life. In my situation now, or so I feel; this relationship is merely here to support my current lifestyle, and not so much emotionally. This person concerned asked me, if this relationship was still important to me. Given before, I would have said yes without hesitation. But now, I am not sure. Well, I wouldn't say that I don't think it is not important because it links me up with some other people who have become very dear to me. And by breaking up, it might mean that I might lose these 2 very beautiful people in my life. And by saying this, it also doesn't mean that I deem this relationship as not important. At present, I just can't answer that question because I really don't know.
Terri commented, that perhaps I am too overwhelmed with this new found space I discovered. I am reluctant to agree... Yes, I enjoy my new space and I am sure this person concerned is also happy for me. But I am of the opinion, that while I enjoy my space, there is no reason not to find joy in this relationship and to include him in my space.
Perhaps, it is because I still feel unimportant, disrespected, and invincible in this relationship. It's like, I am in this relationship to support, to love and to care for this person concerned. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't enjoy doing all these; but it's just that since I found myself, my independence; I am questioning my existence in this relationship; my importance, my honour, my heart. It has suddenly become like, what I thought or what I felt didn't really matter anymore, because I have to deal with it myself. There is no support, no encouragement, no assurance. Maybe it might sound selfish to some people to be somewhat calculative... but hey, a relationship is about interdependence and is never self-reliant! If it was, then have a relationship with yourself instead! Do I not make sense?
My relationship is intimate to a certain extend. But somehow I just don't feel connected. If there is a difference between talking and communicating; then I guess I talk, but not communicate because I find myself incapable of doing so right now. It's like I am unable to fully express my thoughts or my feelings... and I truly feel that coming from a relationship perspective, it is somewhat unhealthy.
I do want a healthy relationship. With a person whom I can love and be loved by, laugh with, share my inner thoughts with, trust, support, cry with, be playful, intimate and passionate with and etc... But a relationship does take 2 hands to clap. So does a friendship, a working relationship or what have you.
I am getting a feeling that I would like this special someone to do something nice for me. Thick skin hor? Well, this person concerned has no interest in my blog or my emails so I guess this person concerned will never know. And I guess I would also not want to tell him because Jer Lin once told me that sometimes, after you ask and you get it, it's like not so nice or sincere anymore. I agree with her. I guess I still like to be surprised and romanced... you know, those things that we do for each other at the starting of the relationship just to put a smile on the other person's face? Hahaha.. I guess I am still a hopeless romantic... It's nice and sweet huh? Would you conclude it as pointless fantasies? I think not. I think it is things done for each other constantly to remind each other of each other's existence in each other's hearts.
Perhaps, it is my fear of losing my independence that is preventing me from moving forward, being emotionally intimate in this relationship. Perhaps, it is the fear of being hurt again. Or perhaps, it is the fear of fully trusting this person concerned, or not trusting myself enough... I don't know. As much as I seek guidance, support, encouragement and assurance, I guess this is ultimately my journey and I would have to deal with it myself.
Honestly, I just wish that this person concerned would just make my existence more felt in this relationship and make my journey a little easier. This is really challenging. I don't deny that I am the one who needs the address the issue, but I am sure I'd appreciate some kind of acknowledgement or booster.
I know who I am and where I stand in my own space. But somehow, I just can't seem to ground my position in the space of this relationship.
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