So this is it. I believe, my first blog with a negative heading. Or really, is the word irritation just a neutral word but because of the majority of people who perceive such behavior or feeling as negative, it then becomes negative? Beats me, but that is how I am feeling now.
Many people who read my blog came forth to ask me if so and so and I are ok, if things are better now and etc etc.. ok, I think it must have been really naive and absurd of me to have believed that people might not be able to guess who I was blogging about when it was indeed so obvious - he who holds my heart. Yes, it is him. Need I really confirm it? My darling husband was the one I had a really bad patch with and yes, I am still trying to deal with it although on the surface, everything seems rosy.
Why I decided to be discreet about who it was in the beginning was really because of one simple reason - to protect him. I didn't want people to think that I had a bad husband, or that my husband broke my heart or made me cry or whatsoever. I didn't even want people to think that I might not feel the same way about my husband anyway because I had to protect his "face", his "name" and him. But really, I just realized that I am such an idiot for doing so! Who the hell am I to protect him? To shield him from whatever humiliation or embarrassment or negative views of other people? What is the use of me trying to protect and defend when I myself don't even look at him positively?
And perhaps, part of the reason why I was also discreet was because of my pride. EVERYONE knew that I had it good.. a perfect courtship, a perfect marriage, a perfect husband, a perfect daughter. Seriously, how often is it a plain old Jane like me get to date and marry a pretty good looking pilot who adores and loves me right? And to stop working by the age of 29 to fully take care of our perfect daughter right? Right, a perfect life it is! And I really mean it in a REALLY sarcastic way now. And I guess admitting that there was a flaw in my marriage would mean that I failed terribly!! Well, so I thought. I didn't fail. Yes, I fell, but the most important thing was that I picked myself up from where I fell and I am much much stronger now. So heck the perfect marriage! And Ok, need to clarify this - my daughter, she is still perfect! :)
So yeah, we made up. It was nothing romantic or whatsoever. He just came back one morning realizing why he was pissed with me and why this and that and said he wanted to work out this marriage. I said ok. Yup, he had it easy alright. The truth is - I am happy, but not elated. It's like, after all the shit that he has put me through and that's it??? Ok, fine.. give him time... and though I have to give us (and not him alone) the credit that things are in fact getting better - as in we talk better now, spend more time with each other now, ah-hem more now also - but yet, I am still irritated. Sometimes I am cool, but sometimes I find that I can't live with such irritation. It's like - WTF, grow up man!! Forgive me for saying this, but as matured and wise and intelligent as the man that he was, now he is like a lost teenager trying to find his direction in life! First, he blames me that because of me, he suppressed himself and doesn't love himself.. and then he says he is angry with me because I don't take care of myself since I don't exercise and make myself a babe. But now, as I look at what he is doing to himself and with his life when he is not working, honestly it's disgusting. I am absolutely fine with partying and clubbing, but the f*%king intensity of it just takes a toll on me.
When we first dated, we were both tired of the clubbing scene which led us to cool places like Waikiki. You know, nice pub with good music. You feel like dancing, you stand up and shake that bum-bum of yours but if you don't feel like it, you just sit down and enjoy your drink. The other night I went to RP, and I enjoyed myself there - the drinks and the dancing. The music was great and the crowd was more matured. It was a Wednesday night and although there were many people, the place was not packed like sardine. I was thinking that my dear husband should be along the same wave length as me.. and little did I know, what he prefers now is a DISCO. Ok, disco is fine.. what really shocked me was that he admitted that he actually preferred partying on a Saturday night where there is more crowd! Sorry, but I find that a bit stupid. You go to a club because you want to have a jolly good time drinking, dancing and smoking with your friends; but to be packed like a can of sardines? Maybe I am a little judgmental here, but doesn't that bring us back to our "wannabe" era? Anyway, that is not what I am pissed or irritated about. It's really the frequency of it. It's like he is jumping at any chance just to get out there' even when it's a working day, or on a day when he knows he shouldn't. No offence to people who hold a 5 or 5.5 day job who have no choice but to party on a Friday or Saturday night, but we are talking about a man, who is married with a kid, who need not join in the can of sardines... tsk! tsk! Like I said.. a 30 year old going backwards to becoming an 18 year old. I feel bad saying this, but I am kinda losing respect for him in this aspect. Man, just childish!
I am seriously beginning to think that he is really not all that great. Yeah, I love him and all... and I would still do things for him and take care of him and all that.. but really, I think he is just not good enough for me. Well, maybe he thinks the same about me too because if I am good for him and he loves me so, he wouldn't irritate the shit out of me and would really do things for me. Since we made up - hmm... let me think if he has done anything nice for me.... well, if you talk about going out lunches, yum-chas, the sex... ok la.. but to me, those are just ordinary stuffs. He told me that it is what he enjoys. I enjoy them too, but they're just really normal stuffs a couple does. And I guess the really extra-ordinary stuffs that he does for me - is to make me worry about him and to irritate the shit out of me.
You know, I used to ask him to read my blogs. And from this moment on, I am not going to anymore. It's really none of his f*%king business what I think and what I feel since what I think or feel doesn't concern him anyway. Seriously, if he really cares, he wouldn't make me feel this way. I really don't know what I was thinking wanting him to read my blog so that I could share every detail of my life with him!
Seriously, what is a relationship? And what is love? Is it knowing that your spouse will feel uncomfortable and unhappy (with valid reasons, that is) when you do something and yet still proceed to doing it? No doubt, we should always love ourselves first before we could love others; but is it really to this extend of making the others feel hurt and irritated? I find it really unreasonable.
And just in case, baby, if you do read this - I really don't mean any bad intentions. This is my space and I am entitled to my own thoughts and feelings - just as you are of your own decisions and actions which I play no part in consideration at all.
Yes, this is an angry and irritated blog. I am so unhappy and uncomfortable with feeling like this that my head and body are aching. I hate this feeling. Wouldn't it all just be easier if I could just stop loving him?
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