He is a good man, really. Passionate, honest, sincere, hardworking, generous, kind-hearted, smart... sounds like a perfect man? He is also naggy, long winded, grumpy, stubborn and all that knot.
We have our ups and downs.. Most of the time, downs. I dont know why it came about this way. But i think it started out when my parents were separated. I also dont know how our relationship start to deteoriate. He claims that it was because I shouted at him the night he and my mom broke up (yes, I remember that too) but I remember I ended up staying with him and taking care of him. I think our relationship deteoriated really badly eventhough we only had each other. Of course, I occasionally went to see my mom and until today, I still dont agree that it was my mom who caused the break up. I think they have their differences and the miscommunication has been for too long that it was difficult to work things out. They both are really great people you know.
Whilst the relationship between my mom and I gets better because we tend to open up to each other more (and my mom says it's because I am now a big gurl compared to my younger days), I am really finding it more and more difficult to communicate with my dad. It's like each and every word that comes out of me is diarhea to his ears, and he would be defensive and vice versa. It would happen either way, and the decent and pleasant conversation that we try so hard to have with each other, turns sour... and sometimes can lead to tears (me la, who else?)
Actually, I know. I know that he loves me very much and wants very much for us to be like before (we used to have a great dad-daughter relationship). I too very much want that relationship. But it seems so difficult and so not meant to be. It hurts. It's scary to think that we could never talk like before. At the end of an unpleasant conversation, I always ask myself, why can't I just shut up and let him talk? Why do I have to take every word he says so seriously and to be so defensive? Why can't I just play dumb and just nod my head to agreement everytime he says something? It really wouldnt harm me one bit right?
Well, I am trying... am really really trying. Despite the misconception he has of how I live my life, I still love him very much. He is afterall, the first man in my life. The first man who cuddled me (besides the gynae who delivered me, maybe?), the first man who gave me my first kiss (on the cheek la), the first man who held my hand, the first man who told me that he loves me... I really hope that things will be better between us. It's important to me. And I hope that he will be able to learn to express himself better, without being defensive or angry... I hope that he will be able to learn to let go of all the unpleasant things that has happened in the past. Life is so unpredictable nowadays... I believe that each day we live is a bonus... that's right.. I have to keep reminding myself.. so that I could learn to shut up and please the first man in my life.
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