I recall as a young swimmer, I'd love to get sick. Reason? Simply to skip training. Training was every night from 7pm to 10pm. Sometimes during peak training sessions, we have morning sessions on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays from 5:30am to 7:30am. It was really tough. All I ever did was go to school, tuition and the swimming pool. On weekends, mom would take us to Holiday Villa for hi-tea or Metrojaya for shopping. I think sometimes we stayed home... but mom brought us around a lot then.
And then, when I got older, during the time my parents got separated and divorced, I started to get sick on a more frequent basis. It was more on a willing basis.. because when we are sick, people care; and when people care, we feel loved; and when we feel loved, we feel good. Only a handful of people knew that my main 3 meals were alcohol, alcohol and alcohol. Not that I was an alcoholic, but I guess I loved the concern that well suitors showered on me when they were after me too. I made my dad (my mom didn't know that I reported sick most of the time) and all those friends who really cared about me worry. Not that I was faking to be sick, mind you.. I was really sick... just that I allowed myself to be more sick, by torturing myself because I'd figure, the more I suffered, the more I'd be loved. Of course, by that thought and now I know, that I was not only physically sick, but very very mentally ill too.
Somehow, I think from all the torture I bestowed on myself, it is beginning to catch up with me. While I recover my mental health, my body is showing me various signs of deterioration and weakness. For example, the degeneration of my neck is getting worst, my feet hurts when I place them down on the floor even if i were to lift them off the floor only for a while, I get headaches too easily, my body aches too quickly, my skin is showing signs of blemish out of no where.. my, the list could go on... And the funny difference is my reaction now to all these compared to before.
Before, any slightest "unwellness" was straight to the doctor, pop medication, MC and seek attention. Any excuse to lay in bed was good! But now, there is hardly even a whisper of pain. But then again, I think my endurance for suffering in pain somehow also improved! It's like, I don't really need to see a doctor to feel better, tell the whole world that I am not well, or even find an excuse to lie in bed! These days, I find myself up and about no matter how unwell I feel, until my body takes way and i fall asleep on the sofa unconsciously.
Having said all that of course, I now take better care of my health. Being blessed to have hubby as my hubby and love-love as my daughter have immensely changed my points of view on how I ought to treat myself. Come to think of it, what a sick mind I had for all the wrong reasons when it is indeed so wonderful to be healthy and to be grasping every beautiful moment in life! I am utterly ashamed of myself and am so grateful for this wonderful opportunity to change my ways. I know I am still paying for the damages I did to myself, but I am doing well, thank you... I am now taking supplements, ensuring healthy diets and timely meals, sufficient liquid and yes, some form of exercise too. :) And I feel great already!!
What made me pen down these confessions is a CD talk I listened to by Ajahn Brahm. He mentioned of sickness and death and how death makes us value life even more. When I was sick in the mind, I used to wonder so much about death - if it'd bring regrets to those who did me wrong. I'd imagine them at my death bed, full of guilt and tears... feeling sorry for themselves that they never got the chance to treat me better, or say nice things to me. Silly thoughts, eh? Ya, i agree.. hahaha... and I thank God once again, for his guidance to have led me away from the ugly past. Anyway, this is not the point.
The point is... the very fact that I was out of that mess that i was in, physically and mostly, mentally; I feel sorry for the people around me who are constantly physically ill due to their mentality. My dad used to tell me, healthy body = healthy mind. Actually, I think it is the other way round too. It is when you have a healthy mind, that you will have a healthy will to take care of yourself happily and of those around you too. Many people think that they are mentally strong but fail to achieve in life because they are restricted by their health - and hey, I am talking about people who are certified medically fit! Not of those diagnoised with terminal illness! Even those with illness are more cheerful and possess a healthier mind than those who are free from diseases! And for those who always think that they are possibly diagnoised with illness, my goodness, WAKE UP!!
The universe is fair to all who wishes to have fairness on them. The world around us are still filled with hope and beautiful things. Remember those days when children were kidnapped or lost and never found? But now, even a taxi driver can be a hero to help you find your kid and asks for no reward! So don't sit there feeling sick and being sick all the time. If the dead has to go, let them go and live on; if the living comes and stay, then cherish and embrace!! Life is too short to be sick all the time. Let's be healthy! Let's embrace LIFE!!
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