Yesterday, I didn't go into the office. No one was home and i didnt want to put Thea and the maid at my dad's and we were just at mom's place the day before so I decided it is only fair that I stayed home... I was home the whole day, working on my laptop, and at the same time, playing and spending my time with Thea, waiting for hubby to come home from flight before I went out in the evening. I promised a friend to take her to see my feng shui master but the deal was, I had to wait for hubby to be home first so that Thea and the maid wont be alone.
I took the liberty to cook given the available time and opportunity. I cooked "Wong Chau Kai", one of hubby's favourite dish. Cooked sitr-fry beef and mixed vegetables. I think they all turned out alright. In the midst of cooking, hubby came back. After cooking, I showered, hugged and kissed hubby and Thea and left.
Unfortunately, there was some mistake in the appointment and I lost my way to the feng shui master's office. So I called hubby to tell him that I was on my way back and he asked if it was ok that he went to the driving range. Honestly, there would be no problem if I was home and if there was a car at home. He said he could walk to the range. At that peak of appreciating that he was home with Thea, I became disappointed and told him reconsider going to the range because Thea was home alone, and there was no car. He didnt answer me. When I was finally on my way home because we couldnt see the feng shui master, I found out that he was already at the range; and yes, he walked there. He invited me to join him. And as much as I wanted to, I guess my priority was to get home as soon as I can because Thea was home alone, and I was feeling more disappointed than before because of the decision he made to go to the range. I held myself well and didn't make an issue out of it. I even offered to fetch him home from the range when he was done, and I did just that.
In my heart, I felt really disappointed. He just came back from flight. He ought to be resting, if not, spending time with Thea. He said that he waited for Thea to be asleep before he left for the range but seriously, to me, that is not the point... How can it be? That this man can be so secure to allow her daughter and the maid to be alone at home at night?
When we got back, I continued watching tv whilst doing my work (I had some planning to do). He mentioned that he feels that I dont really like him anymore. Honestly, I was surprised that he said that and instead of reassuring him that it was not the case, I took the opportunity to tell him to rethink what he has done. Well, he didnt seem to think that he was at fault because he felt that he waited for Thea to be asleep before going out and he has the right to do what he likes to do. I just nodded and smile. Yes, a little more disappointed with his answer, but I didnt want to pick a fight, so I left it there.
Then, when we got into bed, he reminded me again before he dozed off, his rights to do what he likes to do and told me not to be angry. I told him that I wasn't angry with him and had no intentions to stop him from doing what he wants to do, but I did remind him that I am entitled to my own feelings; just as he is entitled to do what he likes to do. So, he slept off, and I continued my reading and waking up in the middle of the night to take care of Thea and etc...
This morning, I woke up early because of Thea, and because I had to go to office to do some work. There was a last minute order too. Imagine, it is always like that, we both work. He goes off for flights and eats and sleeps and then comes home while I work, work and work. If I am not in the office, I am at home working, whether on my laptop, or on the phone, or as a mother. And at night, whether he is home or not, I have to wake up to attend to Thea. Sometimes when I am lucky, he gets up too and helps to make milk. Sometimes, I do everything alone... actually, it is most of the time...
Okay... so I went to work. He called and asked if I wanted lunch. I said ok, and he bought me lunch. When I got back, I sat down in the hall and played with Thea and talked to him before he left for golf (yes, he is playing golf today). So we chatted and chatted, and played with Thea, until his golf kaki called to report that he is nearby. He got ready and before he left, reminded me to take my lunch. I gave him a kiss and a smile before he left.
So, Thea was still having lunch, and I joined her. I opened my packet of wan tan mee, and guess what... he packed chinese mushroom & chicken feet wan tan mee for me; something I dont fancy and really, dont eat all (the chicken feet). It really ruined my appetite, just thinking that how could he not know... At that moment, I felt so unloved and uncared for and that all his "I love you"s, and "thank you, honey bunny"s or "you are the best"s were perhaps, just routine talk???
Yeah... Those are not big issues. It's not big enough to fight or argue about. But his constant decisions of picking golf and badminton over leaving Thea home alone or leaving Thea home with me alone, is slowing hurting me more and more. Dont get me wrong, I dont mind him playing golf or badminton. I just wish he could practise discretion.
Until todate, I have hardly done anything for myself while he constantly gives me excuses that he needs his time. When I bring that up to him, that he plays golf, and badminton and drinks with his friend (though at home) while I have no time to catch up with my friends, no time for a hair cut, facial or whatsoever... he will say, "go la!" And seriously, how can I and how do I? When any available day left is my wish to spend time with Thea and him, and those available days are the days he wants to play golf, or badminton? It's my choice? Perhaps, but wouldn't be it crazy to still go when hubby is hardly at home already?
I feel sad... but there is nothing i can do. I've spoken to him, talked to him, discussed with him... he comes up with these answers, "ya la, you are always disappointed with me". There are times when he does say "I am sorry" on a good day, but it only lasts for a few days, and then he is back to normal.
Ok... what I need to clarify is this. The situation is not as bad at home. We still talk, laugh, tease each other, hug and kiss. But I am feeling a little lonely, a little neglected, a little unloved... I feel that he has taken me for granted. Whatever that he had asked for, or wanted; I tried and still try my best to give him, and while I have no doubts that he would do the same for me... but that's just this one thing that I ask for the most and yet I am not satisfied - the peace of mind when I am at work or out that Thea is with her daddi... and not alone.
I dont know how to end this - because this is not a lesson, but a mere expression of how I feel now. Maybe things will be better later, or maybe they won't... I dont know... but I will be strong... and hopefully, really, he will come around soon. But whatever said and done, I do love him very very much, still... and everything that we've built together; a home, a family and us...
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